Chapter Fourteen

Bec

I s my best friend an extraordinary person? Yes. Is she overambitious to the point that I’m questioning her decision-making? Also, yes.

How Ellie convinced Dom to host their annual Friendsgiving dinner this year, I’ll never know. They have so much going on with the baby, and they always go above and beyond for this get-together; I’m amazed they found the energy, especially since they always host the dinner the Saturday after the holiday. Part of me wonders if Ellie felt like she needed this piece of her pre-baby life to stay the same. A connection to her previous self, maybe.

Dom and I have talked with Ellie about how we can best support her and help her to stay in a good place. She’s talked with both of us about how her transition to motherhood has been more difficult mentally than she expected. I know she’s been trying to find a professional to help her work through it, but she hasn’t found the right fit yet. Dom, Dee, Carissa, and I are on the official mommy support team, along with both of their families. She’s the most incredible person I know, and I want her to feel all the love around her. Making sure she gets rest and keeps doing things that make her feel fulfilled can only help, I hope.

Thankfully, the dinner has always been potluck style, alleviating the preparation work significantly. I offered to come over early to help, which is how I end up in the dining room laying out place settings and stacks of clean dishes on the table while Luca babbles and slobbers happily on Ellie’s chest in a baby wrap.

Like every other year, there’s no formal sit-down meal. Food will cover the kitchen counters in crock pots and serving dishes, and everyone will eat as they please, mingling throughout the night. Ellie and Dom have a fairly large, modern home with an open floor plan, and while they invite a lot of friends to get together, it never feels crowded.

Call me cliché, but it’s my favorite time of the year. Don’t get me wrong, I love warm weather as much as anyone, but the nostalgia that hits during the holiday season warms my soul. And Ellie always goes all out, even this year with a newborn. The girls and I came over last weekend to help decorate for Christmas because Ellie likes to have the house full of holiday cheer for Thanksgiving too. She insists we watch Christmas movies the entire time, drink champagne or seasonal craft beer, and make cookies. It takes all day and I love it.

Being single with a small, one-bedroom apartment, I never decorate quite like Ellie does. I can barely fit my skinny artificial tree in the corner. It’s basically a Charlie Brown–style tree that I overdress in an abundance of lights, overwhelming the sparse branches.

When Ellie and Dom first moved in together, he tried to implement a rule that Christmas decorations couldn’t go up until after Thanksgiving. Obviously, he was overruled. He also tried to claim that Christmas was over before New Year’s Eve, so the decorations should come down before then too. I’m sure you can guess how that worked out. Ellie’s tree won’t come down until maybe the second week of January, if he’s lucky .

But this year, Dom hasn’t been a Grinch at all. He even offered to get new outdoor lights and already has them up, including a huge Christmas wreath on the front of the house, a focal point highlighted in green and red flood lights. It’s like after having a son, he finally got on board with the festivities. Not sure how much Luca will get out of the holidays this year since he’s a newborn, but I would never say anything. I love watching my friends put their hearts and souls into making the season magical for their baby. I have to imagine that seeing it all through the eyes of your child, especially when it’s your first, is a special kind of magic for them to experience as parents.

Christmas carols play softly throughout their home, which smells heavenly; a mix of the gingerbread cookies in the oven and the orange, cranberry, cinnamon mixture that’s simmering on the stove for cocktails. The lights are set low complimented by garland and twinkling lights scattered throughout the space. The fire crackles softly in the living room encased in the glow from their large Christmas tree.

“Bec, you have to give me this recipe. I’m going to eat this entire thing before anyone even gets here.” Ellie is perched at the kitchen island, scarfing down my potluck contribution, buffalo chicken dip and pita chips.

“El, it’s all yours. Oh, and I almost forgot, wait until you see the cute marshmallows I found for the hot chocolate bar.” I find my bag and pull out a bottle of chocolate liquor and candy. “They’re frickin’ snowmen…with top hats. I had to get them. And I also grabbed the candy canes you asked for.”

“Stop it, those are perfect. Do we need another dish to set them out?” she mumbles through another bite of dip.

“I’ll grab one.” I get to work putting everything on the counter next to the insulated drink dispenser full of hot chocolate. Like I said, Ellie and Dom go all out. “The house looks amazing. You and Dom still feeling up for all this? How’d you sleep last night? You can rest until people start to arrive if you want. I can take Luca.”

Please, god, no repeats of last time.

She gives me a sweet smile as she brushes her hands off on her skirt. “Luca had a good night, thank god. I’m feeling surprisingly human today, and I’m excited for tonight. You’re sweet to offer. What would I do without you, babe?” Her smile softens a bit, a hint of concern written on her face. “But I don’t want you worrying about me. What about you? It feels like you’ve been going above and beyond lately for me, the girls, your family, your job. Are you doin’ okay?”

“You know me. I prefer to be busy and in everyone’s business. I don’t have much going on outside of work. Besides, I love being here with you and your family. You trying to say I’m cramping your style hanging out all the time?” I smile, tossing a marshmallow at her playfully, which bounces off her forehead and lands on the countertop.

She laughs, picks the candy up, and pops it into her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. “I would argue that you are letting me cramp your style. Dom has a bunch of single friends stopping by tonight. Want me to introduce you? I promise nothing embarrassing. I’ll be subtle.”

I believe her. If Ellie gives me her word, she stays true to it. I know she just wants me to find my piece of happiness like she did with Dom. The problem is, I don’t think everyone gets a happily ever after, even when they’re looking for it. I’m not going to drive myself crazy looking for Mr. Right. Why stress about something that may never happen for me? And if I do find someone, what are the chances it lasts? What are the chances that someone sees all of you, and still loves you for it? It seems unlikely that I’ll ever find someone to love me, flaws and all. Flaws that Josh has made sure to highlight for me. If he taught me anything, it’s that I don’t want to be with someone who loves me in spite of my flaws. I want someone that doesn’t see them as flaws at all but as a part of me, fractured and still beautiful. Imperfect, but perfect for them. I know the chances of finding something like that are one in a million. Sure, it can get lonely at times, but I’d rather be alone than risk having to deal with the painful fallout of learning my forever person wasn’t meant to be mine forever after all. With family and friends like mine, why would I need anything more?

At least that’s what I tell myself in those moments, few and far between, when I find myself wishing I had someone to share things with. And maybe it’s not even that. Most of the time, I feel fine during the big, special moments. It’s the boring, day-to-day, little moments that get to me. Sometimes I wish I had someone to get coffee with in the morning or binge-watch a new show with at night. Someone to kiss my forehead in the last moments of the day before we both fall asleep wrapped in each other’s arms, finding a sense of safety and security together, away from the world. Someone to make the little moments feel like the special moments too. Someone to look out for me, the same way I want to take care of the people I love. But like I said, I’m fine. Totally fine.

Ellie knows me. Knows I don’t put a lot of faith in finding my happily ever after as easily as she did. I know she won’t push me past what I say I’m comfortable with. “If fate throws me a soul mate, then I’ll happily give them a chance. Until then, I’m afraid I’m all yours. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” I wink, biting the head off a snowman marshmallow.

She rolls her eyes at me. “Then consider me an agent of fate tonight, Bec. I’ll throw ten soul mates at you if I find them deserving of your greatness.”

“Ah, then I’m sure you won’t be able to find anyone .” I flip my hair over my shoulder dramatically while I spew false confidence.

“Keep your heart open, Bec. You never know when your match will find you. Could be while you’re out grabbing coffee, could be while you’re inhaling Christmas cookies at our party. I like to think every moment is a chance for love to strike.” She cradles Luca gently, rubs her palm over his back, and kisses the top of his head.

“Love you, momma bear, thanks for always looking out for me.” Knowing Ellie always has my back means everything. The way my loved ones make my heart full, I can almost convince myself there isn’t room for anyone else anyway…almost.

* * *

“So, how’d it go? Did you hit it off with Travis?” Ellie asks.

I plop down next to her on the couch, where she’s nursing Luca with a soft muslin blanket draped over her shoulder. Most of the guests are congregated in the kitchen and dining room, offering her a bit of privacy. Not that she cares. I’ve seen Ellie’s tits more than I’ve seen my own at this point, whipping them out like clockwork whenever Luca needs to eat.

“Ellie, you have outdone yourself. I appreciate the supreme matchmaking effort, but I’m tapping out. I’m exhausted from small talk.” I’ve met more of Dom’s friends tonight than I can count, but I’m calling it quits. Sure, they’re all plenty attractive and polite. But it’s the same as always. There’s no spark.

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations. Is it wrong to hold out for those movie-worthy fireworks? That’s only happened to me once before, and that definitely didn’t work out.

Don’t look at him.

Aiden and I have been circling each other from opposite ends of the party all night. I’m trying to keep it that way to avoid embarrassing myself again, which seems to keep happening every time I’m around him. But I swear, in those weak moments when I can’t help glancing in his direction, I find his eyes already on me. I might be imagining it, but it still warms a piece of me each time it happens, and I have to turn away to hide my smile .

Dom glides past me and sits in the chair catty-corner to the couch. “Did I hear you giving up on my friends so easily? You haven’t even met Tanner yet. I could really see you two getting along.” He takes a drink from his beer and offers to get Ellie and me one, too, which she declines, gesturing to her hot chocolate on the coffee table, and I pass as well, since I’m driving home tonight. I have an early training session at the shelter in the morning. Normally, I’d just crash on Ellie and Dom’s couch, but I want to avoid an early commute downtown. I know myself; I’ll inevitably snooze my alarm a million times until I’m late, thinking I can make the drive in half the time it’ll take. Morning Bec is an unreasonable bitch, always convincing me that ten more minutes of terrible sleep is worth any consequence of being late.

“Tempting, but no thanks. My social battery is empty. At this point, I’d bore anyone you put in front of me straight into a coma. Don’t let me waste their time.”

“Aw, come on, Bec. Haven’t you heard that most people meet through mutual friends? You’re not even giving my guys a chance,” Dom whines.

“Excuse me, Grandpa, most people meet online nowadays. I know it must be hard to understand, since online dating didn’t exist when you were single. I’ll show you how to increase the font size on your phone whenever you’re ready,” I say with mirth, fully prepared for his rebuttal. Even Ellie can’t hold in her giggle.

Dom gives me an unimpressed look. “Yeah. Ha, ha. Laugh all you want. I’m ready to fully embrace old dad life. I even got myself some New Balances to wear when I mow the lawn next summer, right, sweetie?” He looks to Ellie for confirmation, as if this is something I would ever doubt. As if this is something to brag about.

“Uh-huh, hottest thing I’ve ever seen. Love me some grass-stained sneakers. Can’t wait to eat up all that daddy eye candy from the porch.” Ellie gives him a wink, which he returns. I can’t stifle the stroke of jealousy that flares in my gut witnessing their effortless love.

“Ugh, Mom and Dad are so gross, aren’t they, Luca? Just flaunting their love in the open like this, throwing names like Daddy around in public. Tell them to get a room.” I tickle Luca’s toes, and he scrunches them up so cute, I melt a little.

“What about Aiden?” Dom asks. Heat creeps up my neck to my cheeks. I have no idea if Aiden told Dom…well, anything, but I’m going to assume he has no idea. He isn’t acting like he knows any better, and I’m not going to be the one to explain to him what’s going on…or what isn’t going on.

“Yeah, I’m going to have to pass on anyone that has seen me covered in baby poop. Kind of kills the romance, don’t you think?” I shrug, hoping Dom drops it. Because while it kills me to remind anyone of that embarrassing moment, it’s better than Dom insisting on setting me up with Aiden.

“Okay, that’s fair.” He holds both hands up in defeat, relaxing back into his seat. “Can’t blame a guy for trying. He’s a great friend. I’d like to see him end up with someone cool, is all. I want to see you both happy, you know?”

Any lingering annoyance I felt about their attempts to set me up evaporates instantly. Tonight is another reminder of how lucky I am that when Ellie married Dom, I gained another brother. While I don’t expect it to, his sentiment thaws a few of the frozen edges I surround myself with, knowing that I have friends in my corner who want the best for me. Good people who care about me and my happiness. I know that’s hard to come by, and I couldn’t imagine anything I value more.