Chapter 19

19

" D id you not realize that it was your daughter that I was putting in the back seat?" Ellen had that question on the tip of her tongue for a while as they had been careening down the road. She didn't know how else to ask it other than just letting it come out. Alaska seemed to be a nice person. Funny that she'd be in Sweet Water, stealing a car. It made more sense to Ellen that she would be in Sweet Water to get a glimpse of her baby.

Her question made Alaska sigh and some of the starch that had been in her back seemed to drain out as she slumped a bit.

"No. I didn't."

"Wasn't she the reason you were in Sweet Water?" Ellen asked, and she tried to make her words sound gentle. She wasn't trying to accuse Alaska of anything. While she had never gone down some of the roads Alaska obviously had, she knew it was only because God had blessed her with her uncle Tadgh. After all, she had lost her mother at an early age. She could easily have gone off the rails, being shuffled from relative to relative, or even have ended up in some kind of foster care situation, whatever Ireland had to take care of children who lost their parents and didn't have family who would take them in, since that was where she was at the time.

"A little," Alaska said evasively.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Ellen said, hoping Alaska would decide she would trust her, but knowing she couldn't make her.

They drove a bit in silence, with Alaska slowing the car down to five miles an hour under the posted speed limit. Something Ellen noted with gratitude. So far, Alice had been quiet in the back, but…her safety was the most important thing.

"I knew I was less likely to get caught in Sweet Water. That's part of the reason I dropped Alice off there. I knew it was a good town. And I knew Travis is a good man."

"How do you know him?" Ellen asked immediately, trying not to be jealous. Travis had been faithful. He said so. And she trusted him. But, he definitely knew people she didn't, including this woman, apparently.

"I knew his mom. I saw him sometimes in the bar begging her to go home. Trying to get her to step up to her responsibilities. At the time, I thought it was cute, but stupid."

She sighed, tapping the steering wheel with one black-painted fingernail. "Still, that's not the type of thing a person forgets, and when I found myself in a situation where I needed someone I could depend on to take care of my daughter, Travis was the person I thought of first."

"So that's why you said his brother was the father?"

She snorted. "It wasn't hard to figure out that he wasn't anywhere around to deny my claim. And that's the best kind of person to blame fatherhood on. Someone who's not there to defend himself." She laughed without humor.

Ellen could see the logic there.

"The only problem is, modern-day communication is much better than you think it would be. The brothers were talking. I kind of hoped that either they wouldn't be able to get in touch, or they wouldn't be talking to each other, or that Travis would be so upset at his brother he wouldn't have allowed him to give his side of the story."

A miscalculation on that last thought especially. She'd underestimated Travis, and his desire to keep his family together.

Ellen smiled. Just the thought of Travis being… Travis. Upright, conscientious, and determined to do right, made her feel good inside. He loved her. For herself. And not only did that make her feel good, but the memory of his kiss, the way he held her, and how safe and cherished she felt, was enough to make her forget that she was riding in the car with a woman she'd never met before, and needed to keep her wits about her if only to get Alice out of the backseat somewhere safe.

"I know your problems aren't simple," she began slowly.

That elicited another, rather loud, snort from Alaska.

"But, I know that you'd have a safe place to stay if you wanted to turn the car around and go to Travis's house."

"That's a problem with all of you goody-goody's. You think life is so easy." There was obvious bitterness in Alaska's tone.

"No. I… I don't know what you need my car for, but at the very least, I know you love your child, since you went through so much trouble to find a good home for her."

"I do." Alaska didn't say anything more, but her words were soft, full of longing.

That made Ellen think that maybe she really did want a better life, and maybe she really didn't know how to go about getting it. Of course, Ellen had no idea of the problems she was facing, and maybe she really couldn't help, but she couldn't not offer.

"At the very least, you can turn this around and let me get Alice out of the car." She took a breath, and then plunged ahead. "I don't know where you're taking us, but surely you prefer for Alice to be with Travis."

"So you'd be okay if I dropped Alice off, and you'd stay in the car with me?" She seemed to be saying that as a challenge.

"I prefer to get out with Alice, but if you wanted me to stay, I would do it, as long as you allow Alice to go."

"I think you would have made a good mother for her. If I'd known you before I knew Travis, I might have dropped her off with you."

"If things go the way I hope they do, I might end up being her mother."

"You love Alice that much?" Alaska almost seemed to forget to look at the road, and her eyes ran over Ellen's face as though trying to figure out whether her words were sincere or not.

"I do love Alice, and so does Travis. But… Travis has been my best friend for a really long time, and I think we might be more." She could feel her cheeks heating a little. The way he kissed her certainly seemed to indicate more than friends. The things they talked about did so as well.

"Well. Of all the ironic things that could happen, I end up kidnapping Travis's girlfriend."

"And your own daughter," Ellen said, figuring that was the most ironic thing of all.

"Yeah." Her word was soft, like she was thinking of all the things she regretted, and wishing she could do things over again.

"You know, maybe that's not just the universe playing tricks on you." Ellen started out slowly knowing that what she had to say might not be welcomed by Alaska.

"Really? Is there any other explanation?"

"God wants you. That's my explanation."

A derisive snort was her only answer as her knuckles whitened on the steering wheel.

"You can laugh. But, you have to admit that the odds of this happening are astronomically low. So low that I would almost say that they were impossible. Except, with God anything is possible. And maybe, maybe you ended up with your baby, and me, because God's trying to get your attention."

"Yeah. I don't want Him to want me and what for, anyway?"

She didn't say anything more, just kept driving.

Ellen sat for just a moment. She wasn't any good at this. She never had the words to say, and they sounded trite and insincere almost when they came out of her mouth. But, it really did seem like God might be chasing after Alaska, and He was prompting her to do something about it. For some reason, although God was quite capable of doing anything He wanted to, He used man to accomplish his will.

"Maybe he's trying to get your attention, maybe he wants you, because he loves you."

"That's rich. I don't know why He would."

"Because he created you." Ellen didn't allow her to say anything, but plunged ahead. "The same way you love Alice. After all, Alice hasn't done anything to deserve your love. All she does is cry and demand attention, make messes, and cost you money. But you still love her."

"More than life." She sighed. "That's why I gave her up."

"God loves you even more. And for the same reasons. Because you're His. He made you, even more than you ‘made' Alice, because He made you deliberately."

Alaska didn't say anything for a while, and then, there was humor in her tone, but also an underlying sadness when she said, "You're pretty desperate to get me to turn around and drop you off, aren't you? Trying to talk to me about God and all that."

"I told you. You don't have to let me go. Although I would appreciate it if Alice were safe. But I think you want to."

"You're right I do." Without discussing it anymore, she pulled over to the right-hand side of the road as far as she could, then swung around, making a U-turn. The road was pretty much deserted, and it was an easy move to make.

Ellen didn't comment on that, but sat in the passenger seat, praying. Sure that God had put this situation together for the express purpose of drawing Alaska to him, and Ellen just prayed that she didn't mess it up. That she would say whatever it was that God wanted her to say, and that she'd keep her mouth shut around the rest of it.

They must've driven two miles, the blue sky ahead of them, green fields all around them, and the slabs of payment flying by, one after the other, before Alaska spoke again.

"You know, there's a part of me that wants to believe you about God. But I just can't."

"There is a part in every one of us that will never be satisfied until we fill it with God. He created us that way. With a part of us that needs Him. But, the thing about it is, He gives all of us the freedom to choose. We can choose to fill that part with Him, or we can choose to try to fill it with other things that will never make us feel the way God makes us feel. Like we're loved, and that we're complete in him."

"Well I definitely understand what you're talking about, if you're talking about a part of me that never feels satisfied. It's true.

"I have that part too. We all do."

"I don't know about that. I know some people who don't have God, and seem like they're pretty happy."

"Do you think that maybe that's an illusion? Maybe they're faking it? Or maybe, sometimes things seem like they're satisfying us for a while, but they're not. It's like sugar. It tastes good while we're eating it, and we feel full after we're done, but all we did was give ourselves empty calories, and at the same time we took away a little bit of our good health."

Alaska laughed a little, and then she said, "You know, you're pretty persuasive."

"No. It wouldn't matter what I said, if God wants you, He's going to draw you to him no matter who's sitting beside you." Alaska didn't say anything more, and Ellen let everything rest. She didn't want to try to talk Alaska into anything. Talking someone into God was not helpful. They had to make that decision on their own. After all, God could talk them into Himself if He wanted to. It was just her job to show people the way, and let them make the choice for themselves.

"It's that easy?" Alaska said as she slowed down to make the turn to Travis's house. "Just… Tell God you want to be close to Him?"

"Actually, God is so holy, He can't have sin in His presence."

"Well then, that leaves me out. Did you miss the fact that you have the biggest sinner in the world sitting beside you?"

"That's the thing. God knew it. God knew that we would be too big of sinners to ever be able to be in heaven with Him, so He made a way."

"What? Live a pristine life? Being a little goody-goody who goes around taking the sinners' babies and taking care of them?"

"No. It's Jesus. There had to be a payment for the sin. And so God sent his son to pay for us. Once we accept that, our debt is paid in full. And God sees us like Jesus, like there's no sin."

"That's…weird."

"I know. I guess, God created the world, so He can do whatever he wants to. And that's what He did. Knowing that there had to be a payment for the sin - death - and that we couldn't pay that payment, He sent his son to pay for us, and it's that easy."

"It's how easy?" Alaska said, the car slowing down to almost a crawl as she seemed to be thinking about what Ellen had told her.

Ellen didn't feel qualified to continue to talk, she hadn't felt qualified to begin to talk to begin with, but she couldn't stop now.

"We just accept the payment that Jesus made on the cross. The Bible says that we have to repent. We have to understand that we're sinners. Otherwise we wouldn't feel like there needed to be a change and we wouldn't understand that there had to be a payment."

"I know there needs to be a payment. I don't have any problem knowing that I'm a sinner."

"That's part of the reason salvation and God isn't relevant today for most of society. People justify their sin, and refuse to even call it sin. I think maybe Christians have gone along with it to some extent, where we're afraid to tell people that they're sinners. We're afraid to tell them that they're doing something wrong. The world has made that a judgemental thing. And how can people know that they need a Savior if they don't know that they're doing anything wrong?"

"Well I think people know that they're doing things wrong. But, it's easier to pretend that you're not doing anything wrong, if, first of all no one's telling you, and second of all you turn the tables and make them feel like they're wrong if they tell you that you're wrong."

Ellen laughed, knowing that Alaska was exactly right. That was one of the sneaky things the devil had done. He had made it so that it was wrong to tell people that they were sinners. How could they feel like they need a Savior if they didn't know that they were sinners?

"After that, it's easy. God takes everyone. There is no standard. All you have to do is know that you're a sinner and turn from your sin. Because you can't face God and face your sin at the same time. You can't look to Jesus, and still look at your sin. So you have to look away from your sin and look to Jesus. That's called repenting."

"That's something you don't hear much about."

"No. People don't want to admit that there's anything to repent from. They want everything that they do to be okay. But it's not."

"I know."

"And that's it. You have to turn from your sin, turn to Jesus. Confess that you're a sinner, and that you believe Jesus died in payment for your sin. That's the bridge that takes you from being alienated with God, to being a member of God's family. He adopts you. Makes you a child of His, just like Jesus, then when He looks at you, He sees the righteousness of Christ. Because the payment was made, and as far as God is concerned, there is no sin."

"There's no way God can't see my sin." Alaska said, as she pulled into the house, and parked the car, but didn't make any move to shut it off or to get out.

"I could say the same thing. Anyone could. That's so true. But God has given example after example of people in the Bible who were forgiven of sins that we would have thought would be too heinous for anyone to ever forgive. In fact, most of the New Testament was written by a man who persecuted Christians, had them arrested and sent to die, but God turned his life around and he became one of the most influential men in the history of the world after Jesus himself. The Bible makes it clear, God forgives anyone of anything as long as you repent from your sin, turn to Jesus, and trust in Him. God wanted to make it simple so that anyone could do it, even a child. He says that in the Bible too."

"Sounds to me like if you're going to be a Christian you need to know what the Bible says."

"That would probably be my next recommendation. If you're going to be a Christian, you need to read the Bible."

"I think I need to think about this."

"I think you do too. After all, I'd love for you to be a Christian, but it's not up to me to convince you of that. It's up to you to make the choice for yourself."

Alaska nodded, and Ellen prayed as hard as she could that Alaska would make the choice to turn away from her sin, whatever it was, and turn to Jesus. It was a hard choice to make, because a lot of times, change was hard for any reason, but even though they hadn't talked about changing their lifestyle, she could hardly turn from her sin, and turn to Jesus and continue the way she was. It was a change. And changes, even good ones, were scary and hard.