16. TATE

16

TATE

"Can I talk to you?"

That voice.

That sweet voice being that close to me and saying those words was wholly unexpected. My body tensed as I attempted to discern if I was imagining things.

When my head tilted slightly to the side, and I saw her standing there, looking at me with sorrow in her eyes, it was a wonder I could remain standing.

As much as I hated seeing the sadness in her expression, I was relieved to no longer see the disgust and contempt for me, or worse, the fear.

I didn't want to get my hopes up. After what happened yesterday, it was difficult to feel any sense of optimism where Ava was concerned.

Maybe this was a Christmas miracle.

With my eyes still on hers, I quickly reminded myself of everything that had happened recently. The idea that this conversation Ava wanted to have would be good was foolish.

But since I couldn't bring myself to do anything to disappoint her again, I dipped my chin and said, "Sure."

Ava jerked her head to the side. "I know it's cold out, but I'd like some privacy, if you don't mind."

"Not at all. We can just grab our coats."

It was Christmas morning, and to this point, it felt like the worst one yet. I was exhausted from being unable to sleep last night, with Ava's words from earlier in the day replaying in my mind all night long.

I'd hoped that the gift I'd given her yesterday would have been the perfect way to start smoothing things over between us. It was awful to learn just how wrong I'd been.

Now, I couldn't begin to imagine what Ava wanted to discuss with me, if it was even wise for the two of us to be alone after our recent encounters. But despite how strained things had been between us, she still meant everything to me. I'd give her whatever she wanted.

Once we were bundled up and outside, away from the rest of the family, Ava's eyes filled with unshed tears. "I'm sorry."

Every muscle in my body tensed. Surely, I'd misheard her. "What?"

"I'm sorry, Tate. I'm sorry for how I behaved yesterday."

Yesterday had been the absolute worst. I could still hear her telling me she wouldn't be able to give me the chance to make things right until it no longer hurt for her to look at me. It had been like taking a bullet to the heart.

"I appreciate you saying that. I understand why you were upset, Ava. It was never my intention to hurt you. Not then, not ever. And for that, I'm sorry, too."

She swallowed hard and looked away as she swiped at a tear that had fallen using her mitten. When she returned her attention to me, the tears still welling in her eyes, she explained, "Things happened the way they did yesterday, and it was a lot coming at me. I don't think it helped that everyone knows things are bad between us, and they all got to witness it. But what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry."

I wondered if she was crying because she was sorry about what happened or if it still hurt too much to look at me. I could only assume it was both. "It's okay," I assured her. "I'm not mad at you."

"It's not okay, Tate. I feel horrible for throwing the nice things you did for me in your face," she argued. "I talked to both your mom and Ivy later last night before I left, and I learned some stuff."

My brows drew together. "What stuff?"

"Your mom apologized to me, because she didn't know that you had drawn my name. I guess she felt responsible for me getting upset and you being humiliated by how I reacted. And Ivy let me know that you talked to her after you saw me at The Mixing Bowl. She told me you had asked about me looking for an apartment, because you wanted to get me something for my new place. I shouldn't have made assumptions about your gift having some alternate meaning than face value."

Suddenly, it all made sense.

While I could understand it was awkward that I'd gotten Ava in the Secret Santa exchange, I couldn't quite wrap my head around why she'd been so upset by what I'd gotten her.

But now, I got it.

Home is where the heart is. She thought I was trying to throw her leaving Landing in her face.

"I realize I screwed up the day you came back to Landing, Ava. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for talking to you the way I did. I'm so sorry about that. But I promise you that, despite how awful that was, I'm not looking for ways to hurt, upset, or embarrass you. I really do want to fix this."

She chewed nervously on her lip, her eyes darting every which way. If I could have looked inside her mind, I was sure I wouldn't be able to keep up with her racing thoughts. "Things changed the night of the wedding," she said. "I'd made my last-ditch effort to go after you, to have that one night with you. I knew I wasn't coming back after the tour, regardless of whether you chose to take me up on my offer that night or not."

"That's why you said you'd never ask or offer again, isn't it?"

She nodded. "Yes."

My chin tilted down, and I frowned. An overwhelming sense of heaviness had washed over me, and the strain in my voice was undeniable. "I wish you would have told me."

"Why?"

"Because everything would have been different. I would have done things differently," I told her, taking a step closer.

I heard a small intake of breath, like I'd just shared some groundbreaking secret. "How? What would have changed?"

The answer rolled off my tongue effortlessly. "I would have made sure that it was clear before you left that I intended to get things to a place where you and I could pursue an actual relationship when you got back. I don't know, Ava. I thought everything was good between us that night, so good that it never dawned on me you wouldn't want us to have that again, that you'd walk away from us. What did you think was going to happen when you came back?"

Despite the cold, her face paled at the thought she'd gotten it all wrong. Evidently, she'd refused to believe I wanted her for more than just that single night. "Everything would go back to being the way it was. I'd live every day wanting someone who had his reasons for never wanting me. I couldn't do it, Tate."

"I tried to talk to you about things that night, but you didn't want to talk," I reminded her, the need to get her to understand dripping from each word I spoke. "But I intended to talk as soon as you were back. I wanted you to understand why I kept myself from pursuing you."

She sighed, disappointment etched into every one of her features. "So much has happened. We've both done a lot to hurt one another, whether unintentional or otherwise."

I was itching to touch her, to wrap her in my arms and promise her we'd be okay. But I remained put. "Yes, a lot has happened, but we're here now. I'm not going anywhere, Ava. I'd love nothing more than to work through things, to show you how much you mean to me."

"How much I mean to you?"

I inclined my head slowly. "Yes. I want to be with you, Ava."

Her head jerked back. "Be with me? What do you mean?"

She seemed clueless about this. How could she have no idea how I felt about her? While I realized I hadn't pursued her for years, shouldn't it have been clear to her the night of Wyatt's wedding that I was done with that?

"Everything changed for me. I fought a losing battle for a long time, and the worst of it was right after you first left to go on tour, after I'd lied to you in the bathroom at the lake house."

Her lips parted, something changing in her expression. It had gone from sadness and despair to frustration, disbelief, longing, and disappointment. "What exactly did you lie to me about?"

"Never wanting you. Not wanting anything to happen between us."

Ava stared at me, dumbfounded.

This moment felt like a critical one, so there wasn't anything I wanted to have left unsaid. "The whole time you were gone on that tour, I was beside myself. I missed you so much. I'm not sure I can even put into words what it was like to have months and months of no communication from you. I already knew I'd made a big mistake at the lake house, but I never imagined being slapped in the face with how much of a fool I'd been. I thought about calling you then, but I didn't want to do it over the phone. I wanted to tell you the truth to your face. And I intended to do it the night of the wedding. That's why I came over to dance with you. But things took a different turn that night, and I never got the chance before you left."

The disbelief and shock marred Ava's features. Her eyes seemed unable to focus, and she took a step back and dropped her gaze to her feet as she attempted to process everything I'd just shared.

I didn't want the space between us any longer, and considering this was the most cordial we'd been with each other in months, I refused to waste any more time with her. I stepped forward again, closing that distance she'd put between us.

Reaching out, I took both of her hands in mine—a move that seemed to force her attention to my face again. Her lips were parted, her breathing shallow.

I decided to tell her more of what she deserved to hear. "I've thought about that night with you in the hotel since it happened, wild one." Her breath hitched at the name I hadn't called her for months. "I want to believe I remember every single thing about it. That I didn't forget the way your body reacts to my touch or the way you kiss. I think I remember exactly how you tasted and the way you moaned when I was moving inside you. And I miss it. Fuck, Ava, I've missed everything about you for months. Your smile and laughter. Your outgoing nature and wild spirit. The flirting and teasing and playfulness. I want it back. I want all of it back. I want the chance to do this right, and I'll do anything to prove it to you."

Her bottom lip trembled, and it was everything I could do not to reach up and drag my thumb along that pink softness. "I don't think I can do it," she whispered, pulling her hands out of my hold.

My gut clenched painfully, the urge to pull her close stronger than ever. "Do what?"

"Just accept that things are suddenly different for you," she clarified. "Tate, you rejected me for years. Whole years of my life were spent trying to get you to notice me, to see me, to want me. One year after another, I was left feeling nothing but mounting despair about never having what I wanted most in this world. How am I supposed to go from that to this? How can I trust that you're being serious about this?"

I didn't know what to say to ease her fears, but it was at that moment when the words Liam had said to me the night we went fishing before Wyatt's wedding.

She'll just go around believing you didn't feel a thing for her, when the reality is that she's probably willing to do anything, even give up the so-called dream career, for a future with you. Because that is the real dream for her.

She'd just admitted that to me, telling me how she'd believed she'd never have what she wanted most in this world.

I knew how much I wanted her, but I didn't know that there was anything I could say as I stood here in front of her that would convince her it had always been her. "I want you, Ava. And like I said, I'm willing to do anything to prove that to you. If you need time to ease yourself into this, then take it. I'm not going anywhere. Maybe, especially after all that has happened between us over the last few months, you and I need to get back to a better place, to simply rekindle the friendship we once had. I don't think either one of us can so easily forget what these last few months have been like, nor do I think we can just pretend they didn't happen. Maybe this is what we both need. Time to become friends again, time to remember why we've both been in so much pain for months."

As much as I could see the hesitancy and the general sense of unease Ava felt about this, I could see something else lingering. There was hope and longing. There was still desire.

I couldn't seem to breathe as I waited for her to respond, to either confirm or deny her willingness to take a leap of faith with me. It hadn't even been a minute, but it felt like hours had passed.

"Keeping my distance like I have been since after your birthday was never a long-term plan," she shared. "I just needed time to get to a place of strength when it came to you. I'm afraid to have hope for a future with us, Tate. It's something that has felt like an impossibility for the entire time I've known you. I don't know where we'll wind up, but I know I've been miserable without you in my life, so I think it's probably a good idea we try to become friends again. I think that might be the best thing for us."

I closed my eyes, dropped my head forward, and sighed deeply with relief. This was all I needed. Just a chance to fix this, to make things right with her.

In a move she wasn't expecting, a move I hadn't anticipated making, I lifted my gaze to her, stepped forward, and tugged her toward me. Her chest collided with mine as my arms immediately wrapped around her body.

I held on to her like I was afraid she'd vanish if I let her go. And when I felt her arms circle my waist, my throat became clogged with emotions.

Continuing to hold on to her, I made a silent promise to myself not to screw this up, to give this woman everything I should have given her years ago.

"Thank you, Ava," I said, my voice hoarse.

"For what?"

"For giving me the chance to fix my mistakes. I know there's some work ahead of me, but I'm ready for it. And I know you're scared. I hate that. I wish I could change it. All I can do is make a promise to you that I'm never going to break your heart again. And I hope, one day soon, you can believe that."

Ava loosened her hold on me. Even though I hadn't wanted to let her go, I had no choice. She remained close, looked up at me with the sweetest eyes, and said, "I'm glad we talked, Tate."

I smiled at her. "Yeah. Me, too."

"Merry Christmas."

My grin grew. "Merry Christmas, Ava."

I could have stayed outside with her for the rest of the day, but when a shiver from the biting cold ran through her, I jerked my head toward the door, turning my body to the side, and lifting my arm to her back to urge her inside ahead of me.

If I received not one gift throughout the day, I wouldn't have cared.

Ava's willingness to start over and get back on track with me was all that mattered.