4. Porter

Wade introducesme to Big Jimmy, Otis, Jeb, and a guy they call Bulldog—the hands and grooms who live in the bunkhouse. The others come in the mornings and leave at the end of the day. As soon as we're done, my skin starts feeling a little itchy, like the walls are going to close in on me, so I say, "I'm gonna get some fresh air."

"Mind if I join you?" Wade asks, and I give him a quick nod.

I can't quite explain what it's like being back here, thinking about my dad and how much he loved cowboy life and how his only dream was for us to have a spread of our own.

I remember after he died, the first time my momma brought me here to work with her and how it felt like it was bigger than the whole damn world. Sullivan Ranch was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, and now, as I look out over the land that goes as far as the eye can see, I realize it still is.

Part of me hates Sully for loving this place too, though it doesn't make a lick of sense.

It's just a reminder of how big of a mistake it was to come here, but deep down, it feels good too. It's also nice to see Wade again. He was always nice to me when I was a kid, never made me feel like I didn't belong. He'd done some odd jobs with my dad in the past, so seeing this man my dad had liked, had maybe called a friend, weighs on my mind too.

"How'd you hear about me?" I ask as we head toward a large tree with big, weeping branches like a canopy. I remember it from when I was young. One time I got so pissed at the world, I kicked the damn thing and broke my toe. Sully gave me endless shit about it, but when we met up at night, he'd forced me to let him hold ice to it.

"You know I keep my ear to the ground. Been around a long time and talk to people from all over the country. I always make sure to ask about you, just to see if you're okay."

I shake off his concern. "I'm always okay." I make sure of it. It isn't like anyone else cares enough to. I've been taking care of myself a long time and will until the day I die. "So, what'd ya hear?"

"That you've been sticking your dick where it don't belong." He smirks. Wade doesn't have a wife, never has that I heard of, but as far as I know, he isn't queer either. It's not something I've ever talked to him about. I didn't share my sexuality with anyone except Bishop until I left.

"If he was willing, then there's no reason my dick didn't belong in him, and if I'm with them, they're always willing." I don't bother to ask him if he has a problem with it because it won't change who I am. I'm gay whether someone is homophobic or not, and their bigotry isn't my problem. I'll always defend myself any way I have to. Plus, I'd think if he did, he wouldn't be talking to me the way he is.

"It's good to have you back, Porter."

In some ways it's nice to be back, but in others it's not at all, so I just say, "It ain't for good."

"So? It can still be good for now, and it is."

I nod, the itchy feeling returning, this time not because the walls are closing in, but because someone is trying to get too close. Letting people in or close isn't something I'm good at and never will be.

I pace in front of the tree, trying to calm down the rapid beat of my heart.

It takes everything in me not to ask him about Bishop, not to wonder if he's got kids running around and if he and Aimee built a bigger house on the property to live in. Instead, I ask, "The guys good?"

"They're all right. Otis works mostly with the horses. None of them are as good as I've heard you are."

"You heard right." I give him a cocky smirk, and Wade chuckles. Since I don't start until the morning, I add, "I should head out. Gotta go to the hotel and get the rest of my stuff." I don't have a lot, but there's more than the one bag. Plus, I have to get my guitar. It's the most important thing to my name.

Wade nods. "We get up at four. Work starts at five."

"I'll be there."

I feel his eyes on me as I walk to my truck. I try to keep myself from scanning the ranch for Sully, but it doesn't work. The only good thing is that I don't see him. Probably went home to have supper with Aimee. Gonna tuck the kids into bed, then slip between her thighs. Does he ride her hard the way we used to do to each other? Can he be as rough with her as we sometimes were? I've never been with a woman, so I don't know the first thing about fucking someone who isn't a man.

"Goddamn it." I get into the truck and toss my black hat onto the seat. I've seen Bishop for less than an hour, after eleven years, and he's still fucking with my head.

* * *

I do a good job avoiding Sully my first few days on the ranch. It's surprisingly easy, so I can't help wondering if he's avoiding me too. The hands don't talk about the boss and his family, so I don't know much more than I did three days ago. I haven't seen Aimee, but that doesn't mean a thing. The ranch is three thousand acres. It's easy to get lost here.

When the bunkhouse alarm goes off at an ungodly hour, everyone is quiet as we rouse out of bed. Bulldog pushes his way into the best of the two bathrooms before anyone else can get there, the fucker. I linger, my muscles slightly tender from hard work, eyes stinging because I didn't get the best sleep last night. I need to go out, find a bar to play my guitar, have a few beers, and see if I'm lucky enough to find a guy who swings my way. If there are any, they're few and far between, and I might have to wait to have a good fuck until my days off when I can head into a bigger city.

When the bathrooms are clear, I grab my pants, head into one of them, take a piss and a shower, brush my teeth, and head back into the main area in nothing but a pair of jeans. I smell bacon and eggs. Big Jimmy likes to cook, I've noticed, and he's always making decent-sized meals to help us keep our energy throughout the day. I can't imagine looking forward to making food before and after spending a day working the ranch, but if that's his thing, I'm not going to complain.

"What's the plan today?" I ask Wade as I pull my shirt on. I got to work with Otis and the horses a little bit since I've been here but not nearly as much as I'd hoped. There's always a million things to do, and since I'm not the boss, I just do what I'm told.

"Not quite sure. I think we gotta move the livestock from the east pasture to the north. They been grazing out east a little too long. We'll figure out who's doing what after breakfast."

I nod, finish getting dressed, the bunkhouse mostly quiet as we all shovel food into our mouths. Jeb rambles a bit, but it's too early to pay much attention to what he's saying. Eventually he stops trying.

It's just after five when we go outside, heading for the east paddock. The sun is rising in the distance, a silhouette standing in front of it, almost looking like he can touch the damn thing, and like always, I recognize him. Sully. Jesus, why can't I stop thinking about him that way? He's Bishop, and I'll be smart to remember it.

I bite back a curse, hoping he's not gonna be working with us today.

I adjust my hat so it sits a little lower on my head. Sully's standing by a horse, saddled and ready, which tells me he's been out here for a while.

"Mornin'," he says, and even without looking at him, I know his eyes landed on me. It's weird how a person can sense things like that, and when it comes to him, I've always been able to.

"Mornin', boss," the guys mumble as a few of the others who don't stay at the ranch and come in each morning join us.

"We'll finish getting the horses some fresh feed, and then I'm gonna take a few of you with me this mornin' to rotate the livestock. Wade, Big Jimmy, Bulldog, Jeb, and Porter, you come with me. We'll get out there, do a wellness check and get 'em moved."

I look up, and his green gaze snags on mine. I hold it for a moment, wondering if there's a reason he chose me to go with him. The intense stare and the way he holds on for a moment before looking away almost…fuck, bashfully, is all the answer I need.

The back of my neck begins to burn as Sully finishes telling everyone what's expected of them today. As the group disperses, I say, "Can I talk to you for a minute, boss?" The title feels wrong on my tongue, tastes bitter when I'm using it for Sully, but he's even more of the boss now than he was when I was younger.

"Can it wait?" he answers without looking at me, busying himself with the cinch as if it's not already fastened in place.

"No, sir."

With a sigh he turns to me, the two of us walking the opposite direction as everyone else. If he's hoping to get some on the side from me, he has another thing coming. "Whatever was between you and me before, that isn't what we're doing now. If you're trying to keep me around like you did when we were young, hoping to sneak away and get your dick sucked, that isn't what this is."

He frowns. "Jesus, you don't ever change, do you? This is about work and work alone, Porter. I haven't seen you with the cattle in eleven years. You ever consider I just want to make sure you know what the fuck you're doing?"

"If you doubted it, why did you hire me?"

He sighs and shakes his head like I've exhausted him, which is just fine by me. I'd rather he keep his distance than try to pull me in and walk away later.

"That doesn't mean I don't need to see you in action. I'm doing my job—nothing more, nothing less."

That's right, isn't it? He doesn't need me anymore. Hell, Bishop Sullivan never really needed me. I was a good time, and now I'm not. Just the way it's supposed to be.