22. Porter

We spentthe morning working on separating the cows and calves for the fall weaning. Just like almost every other ranch I've worked on over the years, the Sullivan Ranch uses fence-line weaning, which means we keep the cows and the calves in the same field together, but separated by a fence.

It can be a big shock to both cow and calves to be separated for the first time, so the fence gives them the space they need, but they can still see each other and have the nose-to-nose contact that makes them feel secure.

Coming back from a quick lunch break, I see Sully with Aimee. I tense up so suddenly, my muscles still feel rigid when I climb back onto Arrow to head out with Wade to ride the fence.

I toss a glance over my shoulder, see Sully with the baby in his arms as the two of them walk into the house together, the sight making my stomach tangle into knots.

Jealousy is not something I've ever had to deal with unless it has to do with Bishop Sullivan, and the man doesn't get it—doesn't get that I don't know how to let him in because it will hurt more to lose him again than anything has ever hurt me before.

Being with him last night was the best kind of high, but then he had to go and bring up the past, and now there he is with Aimee again. Logically, I know there's nothing between them. She has a baby, and a husband, but it kicks up all my insecurities.

"Stop shooting daggers outta your eyes," Wade says in that raspy voice of his that sounds like he's been smoking two packs of cigarettes a day his whole life.

"I ain't doing a damn thing," I tell him, signaling for Arrow to speed up. I want out of here, and I want this conversation to be over.

"He's never looked at her the way he looks at you," Wade says, his words causing a tornado of conflicting emotions inside me.

I want that, don't ever want Sully to look at anyone the way he looks at me.

"Like I'm more of a hassle than I'm worth?" I ask, and Wade rolls his eyes.

"That man has never looked at you like that, and you know it."

"I think you need to get your eyes checked, old man," I tease.

We continue our side-by-side ride to the fence, even though it'll take longer to get the job completed that way. He's got more on his mind. I can tell. But even if I put him off now, Wade will find a way to say it later. He's a determined son of a bitch.

"I know you got lots of stuff going on in your head. I get it because I'm the same, but you gotta stop getting in your own way."

"I'm not good enough for him," I admit, not sure why I let the words fall free. It sounds silly that being part owner of this land would make me feel like I'm bringing something to the table, but it would. Right now I'm just a hothead everyone thinks will be just like his dad, and they're probably right. And even if no one else understands it, I can't help but believe this land was stolen from me. Can't help but feel like I'm nothing without it. It was hammered into my head growing up.

But then, are those my words or my dad's? Are they his beliefs or mine?

"That's not what Bishop thinks."

Then why are we always a secret?

"Bishop tries to be who I need him to be for me, and who his parents need him to be for them. He doesn't want me. He just doesn't want to hurt me."

"Damn fool is what you are," Wade says, and hell, I'm not even arguing with him. I am a fool, but I can't help what I feel either. Wade continues, "I had someone once…only person I ever loved, and I fucked it up. Put ranching before them and wouldn't let myself reach out and grab what I really wanted, and I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I just don't want you to do the same."

He doesn't look at me, even after he's done speaking. I didn't know that about Wade and can't help wondering if anyone does. I don't know how to reply because I'm not one to open up easily and… "It's different with us."

"It doesn't have to be."

I can tell by how he says it that he doesn't expect me to reply, and that's good because I wouldn't know how.

We finish riding fence. Everything checks out, so we head back to the stables. I check the board for jobs that need to be done, my gaze snagging on Aimee's car as I walk by. How long is she gonna be here?

I take care of a few other chores, then head to see Storm in the paddock.

Pixie is sitting on the ground, messing around with the dogs, but also watching the horses, her hair in a tattered ponytail and dirt on her clothes.

"Did you ride today?" I ask, leaning down to scritch beneath the dogs' chins.

"Yup. After school. Now I'm just watching them."

I sit in the dirt beside her. "You like horses as much as I do, I think."

"So much. They make everything better."

I couldn't have said it better myself. "Yeah, kid. They do. You okay?"

She nods, but something doesn't ring true about it. I don't think Randy is hurting her or anything. I'd kill the man if I thought that, but I know how it can be to grow up with a daddy you love and feel an obligation to, who also loves the bottle and isn't quite the father he should be. "If anything is ever not okay, or if you need to talk…" I let the sentence trail off, unsure if I'm the best person for this but wanting to offer. No one did that for me. I was lucky I had my mom. Pixie doesn't.

"Where are your parents?" she asks.

Pain stiches in my chest. "They both passed away. First my dad, then my mom."

"That sucks. I worry about him sometimes…my dad. He drinks a lot. He also gets angry. Not at me, but at everything else."

Jesus, did that sound like my own father or what? He was so damn angry at the world.

Just like you.

"My dad did that as well. It's hard, but you can't let yourself get the same way. I did, and I'm still trying to figure my way out of it. If you need something, or if anything ever gets worse or scary or someone hurts you, I want you to tell me…or Sully. If you don't feel comfortable telling us, talk to Mrs. Sullivan."

She frowns. "You called him Sully again."

Shit. I did, didn't I? "I don't know what you're talking about." I wink.

"Do you like Mr. Bishop? My dad says he likes you better than everyone else…that you get special treatment."

Fucking Randy. Why is he bringing his daughter into this? "That's grown folks' business. You don't have to worry about that. Wanna go pet Storm with me?"

Her eyes widen, excitement dancing in them. We head into the pen, standing a good twenty feet away from Storm before he looks up at us…and walks over. He's been getting so much friendlier, at least with me and Pixie. He lets us love on him, and now that I've haltered him, damned if I don't wish I'd brought a saddle over to try and ride him.

My gaze keeps getting snagged on Aimee's car while we pet Storm.

"Patricia! Let's go!" Randy calls out from the barn, and I see the little girl's shoulders curl in defeat. My spine stiffens in response.

"Remember what I said." She nods, then runs to her father. The two of them get into his truck, the wheels kicking up dirt as they pull away.

Storm huffs. "I know. I don't like it either."

The chores have been done, and as much as I want to ride Storm, I know he's not ready, so I climb on the back of Arrow and head out for a spot on the grounds I haven't been since returning. The last time I was there, Sully and I were naked together, my dick rutting into him while I pinned him to the ground.

I shake that thought and keep riding. I know the way by heart, know every step to get to our stream, surrounded by trees and hidden from the eye. I tie Arrow to a tree, then plop down in the grass, looking out at the water.

I see us there, me and Sully as kids, him making me feel wanted, like I was important. I hadn't had that before him, not really. Maybe with my mom, in her way, but it's different coming from a parent. They have to love you, like you. Sully didn't have to, and even when I wasn't very nice to him, he did.

I'm not sure how long I'm there, but the sun will go down soon, the air with a slight chill to it.

When I hear a horse behind me, I don't have to look to know who it is, recognize the scratch of his jeans and the sound of his breathing while he ties his horse beside Arrow, then walks over to sit beside me.

Sully remains silent, somehow knowing I have things to say but that I'm not ready. Instead, he takes my hat off, then brushes the back of his hand against my cheek.

"Aimee leave?" I ask, a jealous bite to my voice.

"You know it's not her I want."

He could have a woman, though, enjoy her in a way I never would be able to…not that I want to.

I turn away from him, looking out at the property that seems to go on forever…like it meets the sky, and damn if it's not the most beautiful place in the world. Just like Sully is the most beautiful person. I feel like I'm a part of this land, like it's in my blood, and it's hard to get past the fact that Sully has it and not me.

Sully, who cares about you… Sully, who wants you… Sully, who has always made you feel things no one else does.

"I needed you," I finally let the words slip past my lips.

"What?"

"I needed you that day. I was so broken, so alone, and all I needed or wanted was you…and I've never let myself need someone before. It was so fucking scary. I know you don't get that. You're so open, lead with your heart in a way I've never been able to do, but I felt like my whole world had collapsed that day, and the only thing I needed was you." He gasps when I turn to look at him. "And when I got here, you were with her."

"I wasn't… I didn't…"

"That don't matter in here." I touch my forehead, then my chest, right above my heart. "It reminded me that I didn't have you, not really. And that I'd spent my whole life building these walls around myself, protecting myself, making them unbreakable, yet somehow, you'd found your way inside. You could hurt me, Sully, and I'd never given that power to anyone else. That's all I've ever been afraid of…being hurt by you, so I ran before you had any more power over me."

The weight in my chest somehow feels lighter, but heavier too. I needed to let that out, needed to tell him, but it's doing what I ran from all those years ago. I'm giving Sully my truth. I'm letting him in, showing him parts of me that no one has seen, that no one is ever supposed to see.

"Fuck, Port." He climbs onto my legs, sitting on my thighs that are stretched out in front of me. Sully grabs my face so I can't look away from him. He's so damn pretty—those big green eyes and light-brown hair. Just looking at him steals my breath. "I never wanted to hurt you, and I swear to God, if you give me a chance to have you, I'll never hurt you again. My walls aren't the same as yours, but you're inside me too, you always have been."

I look up at him. This time it's me who takes his hat off, me who cups his face. "I don't know how to do this."

"We'll figure it out together."

I don't have it in me to deny him, don't have it in me to fight him or this anymore. I can't stop wanting him, but I can't stop being scared either. There are things Sully and I will never see the same. And, he's still gotta figure out if he's willing to change the future his parents expect of him, but I don't have it in me to run. Not anymore. It's like I can't breathe with the thought of walking away from him, so instead I say, "Kiss me, cowboy."

Sully grins and does just that.