Chapter 7

Mia

Her lips…

"OUT! BOTH OF YOU, OUT!" I say to a hesitant Bailey and Jaxon.

They've just dropped off Amari and are having a hard time leaving. Geesh! They act as if they're leaving for a month. I have Amari cradled in my arms and am shooing them both toward the door.

"We'll both be fine. You two go have fun. I don't want to hear from either of you until Sunday, you hear me?" My tone allows no argument and thankfully, they heed my warning.

At the doorway, Bailey comes to a stop and turns around. She walks up to me and coos over Amari for a few minutes until Jaxon pulls her back.

"Come on, angel. Amari will be alright. We're going to miss our flight." He pulls her back to his chest and bends to kiss Amari on her forehead, just as I've seen him do to Bailey a thousand times.

Jaxon looks up at me and says, "Take care of our baby. Call if you need us."

"Oh ye of little faith, big brother. Now, go!"

He smirks at me and pulls Bailey through the door. Once outside, Bailey turns around and says, "Don't forget, Amari likes to sleep on her right side. Oh, and her favorite binky is the blue one. And don't forget to add a drop of the gas medicine to her formula at night or she'll wake up with a terrible stomach ache."

I laugh at her non-stop ramble. "Bailey, I got it the first ten times you told me, not to mention I have a list of fifty other things you told me. Please, just go so us girls can have our girly time."

"Okay," Bailey says, pouting and looking at Amari like it's the last time she'll see her. God, the woman is sad.

Closing the door on their retreating backs, I snuggle Amari a little closer to me and take in her fresh baby scent. I really can't blame Bailey for not wanting to leave. Once upon a time, when I had dreams of my own, I wanted a family for myself. I was a na?ve young girl, innocent to all the horrible things in the world. Mac was my whole world and I knew, I just knew, that we were going to be together forever. We were going to get married and have babies and live in a cute little house with a tree house in the backyard and a swing on the front porch. That dream was crushed into tiny little pieces that were scattered so far apart there was no way they could ever be put back together.

I pull myself from my pathetic pity party and look down at Amari. She has her two beautiful multicolored eyes on me, just staring as if I'm the most fascinating thing in the world to her right now. I kiss the tip of her nose.

"Come on, munchkin. Let's go see what we can find for lunch."

Walking over to the portable bassinet that Jaxon and Bailey dropped off, I wheel it into the kitchen. Once I secure it right inside the kitchen doorway, I gently place her inside. Opening up the fridge, I look inside to see what I have to eat.

"Okay, so we have bacon, bacon, and more bacon. Oh wait, there's more bacon." Pushing the carton of milk aside, I see a tomato and an almost-limp head of lettuce.

"Looks like we'll be having a BLT then," I tell Amari as I grab the ingredients out of the fridge.

"We seriously need to go shopping, girl. We need more food in this place," I say, and hear a gurgle in response. I walk over to the bassinet and peek inside. Amari has her fist in her mouth, making cute little cooing sounds.

"Oh, you like that idea, huh? You're going be just like your mama, aren't you? Dragging your aunt Mia all over town to pick out one dress." I reach inside and run my finger along her bare foot. She gives an almighty kick, making me laugh.

Leaving Amari to suck on her fist, I walk over to the stove and pull open the bottom drawer to get out a cast-iron frying pan. Setting the stove to medium, I open the bacon and plop a few pieces inside. While the bacon sizzles in the pan, I cut up the tomato and pick through the lettuce to find some still-crisp pieces. Once that's done, I stick two slices of bread in the toaster. I hum a nonsensical tune while I prepare my food. The whole time I hear Amari cooing to her heart's content.

Once I've finished, I plate my BLT, grab the bassinet and carefully roll it over to the island, where I sit on a stool. When I look down at Amari, I see her starting to squirm a little.

"I know, chica, sucks to be you, huh? All you're stuck with is nasty milk," I tell her, as I take a bite of my sandwich.

I can tell she's beginning to get agitated so I scarf down the rest of my sandwich, wash my hands, and pick the poor girl up. I carry her out of the kitchen and pick up the diaper bag sitting on the floor by the couch. Pulling out a pad to use for changing diapers, I commence doing just that. I'm not by any means a pro, but I've definitely changed enough diapers to know what to do. When my cousins were younger, I would watch them while my Aunt Tricia and Uncle Hunter would go out to dinner or the movies.

Once she's changed and fresh, I prop her a little on her side and get up to wash my hands. Afterwards, I make my way back to her and pick her up. Switching on the television, I recline on the end of the couch with her lying on my chest. I settle on watching American Pickers. A few minutes later, I glance down and notice Amari is asleep. I settle farther down the couch and it's not long before I drift off as well.

I JOLT AWAKE SOME time later from the banging on my door. I immediately look down to make sure Amari is okay and see her curious gaze on me again. She's tucked close to my chest with her small body resting against the arm that's up against the couch. I smile down at her sweet little face, lying on my breast. She really is a cute little baby. A small twinge hits my chest. I wish I could still have this, but know it's not possible now. No way am I having children now. That dream was crushed long ago. The one person I wanted to share that dream with has now made it impossible for me to obtain it. I can't see myself having children with anyone else.

The knocking sounds again, reminding me of what woke me up. I carefully maneuver Amari around so she stays in the crook of my arm, and slowly get up off the couch. On sock covered feet, I walk over to the door and unlock it without looking to see who it is.

That was my first mistake, and I realize it as soon as I open the door to see Mac standing on the other side looking his usual sexy self. His dark hair is messy and just long enough to hang over the collar of his hunter-green t-shirt. My eyes travel down and I see well-worn faded jeans hanging from his trim hips and a pair of tan-colored Cat boots. When I bring my gaze back up to his, I see a small smirk and it pisses me off. What the fuck is he doing here?

"What are you doing here, Sheriff?" I ask, with irritation in my voice that I don't try to hide.

His eyes flare for a minute before he looks down at Amari in my arms. Once they land on her, a soft look crosses his face.

"I heard you were watching Amari this weekend for Jaxon and Bailey. I wanted to stop by and see if you needed anything."

He's lying and we both know it. I decide not to call him out on it.

"No, we're both fine. Thanks, but you can leave now." I know I'm being rude, but I just don't care. I don't owe him any kindness. I go to close the door in his face, but at the last second, he reaches out and stops me.

"Can I come in?" he asks.

"Why?" I ask suspiciously. He must know that I don't want him in my house. Mac's never been in my house and I sure as fuck don't want him in here now. Why would he even ask?

"Because I'd like to talk to you." Mac holds his hand up to stop the protest that he knows is coming. After every attempt he's made so far, he must know that I'm certainly not going to give in now. "Not about that. Well, it is, but what I have to say isn't to tell you about what happened that night." He stops talking and rakes his hand through his hair. It's a habit he's had since he was a teenager, and he does it when he gets agitated or feels deep emotion. Looking back at me, he continues, with frustration written on his face, "For fuck's sake, Mia, can you just listen to me for once?"

This is where I make my second mistake. I know that what I'm about to do is something that I shouldn't, but I do it anyway. As much as I don't want to hear what he has to say, I know he won't give up until I do. Not looking forward to having him in my space, I take a much-needed deep breath before opening the door wide and taking a step back.

The relief I see on his face annoys me. I know it's petty and childish of me, but I don't like him getting what he wants when it comes to me.

I turn to walk back into the living room, and I feel Amari squirming and whimpering. I look down at her and realize it's time for her to eat. An idea forms in my head and I turn back to Mac.

"Here, hold Amari while I warm up her bottle."

I take a step toward him and see panic on his face. It takes everything I have not to snicker at him.

"I'm… uh… not sure… " he stutters, and trails off. I almost laugh at his sad, pathetic face.

"Oh, come on, Mac. It's not like you've never held a baby before." My words have his eyes narrowing with a hard edge to them. I don't care. He's here because he wants me to listen. The least he can fucking do is help out.

I step up to him, and while making sure to support her head, I bring her away from my body toward him. He automatically brings his arms up to his chest and leans toward me. Leaning closer to him until our bodies are almost touching, I gently place Amari in his arms. My hands and arms rub up against his, and I feel a tingle start in my center. My awareness of him is becoming ridiculous. This is so not the time or place for my body to betray me.

As Mac arranges his arms in a more comfortable position, I take a step back. What I see makes my heart skip a beat. Mac has his eyes glued to Amari and the expression on his face is complete adoration for the bundle in his arms. That twinge comes back full force. This is what we were supposed to have. Mac should be holding our baby right now. My throat clogs as I watch him look lovingly at Amari.

He looks up at me and smiles tenderly.

"She's beautiful," he says, and looks back down at the baby.

I don't say anything to him because my throat is so tight I'm sure nothing would come out except for a croak. Tears sting my eyes and I have to blink to make sure none fall. Mac holding a baby is something I've imagined hundreds of times, except the images I always conjured up were of him holding our baby.

He made damn sure that dream will never come to fruition.

Shaking my head to rid myself of my depressing thoughts, I turn on my heel and head into the kitchen. Grabbing a pot out of the cabinet, I fill it with water and put it on medium on the stove. Next, I grab an already filled bottle out of the fridge, place it in the water, and wait for it to heat up. When I turn around, I see Mac standing in the doorway watching me.

"How hard was it to get Jaxon and Bailey to leave?" he asks.

I roll my eyes and lean against the counter. "I pretty much had to shove them out the door. Bailey was terrible."

He chuckles and says, "Figured. After everything they've been through and everything Bailey's lost, I can't say I blame her for being reluctant to leave her child."

I broach the subject I've been meaning to talk to him about. I've put it off because it was never the right time. Of course, the right time probably never came because I've avoided Mac like the plague. However, since he's here now, I may as well get it over with.

"I haven't thanked you yet for saving Jaxon and Bailey's lives," I tell him quietly.

He stares at me for a minute before replying, "No thanks necessary, Pix. The bastard needed to be put down. No way was I going to let him hurt them any more than he already had."

"Yeah, well, I'm still thankful," I mutter back to him. I hate being grateful for anything he's done, but no matter how much I may hate Mac, I will forever be grateful for what he did that day.

Turning my back to him, I pull the bottle from the hot water on the stove. I give the bottle a good shake before tipping it over to test the milk on my wrist. Deeming it warm enough, I unscrew the cap and drop in some of the gas medicine before replacing the lid. I walk over to Mac to get Amari back from him. After Mac carefully deposits her back into my arms, I walk into the living room and sit on the end of the couch. I grab a cloth from the diaper bag beside the couch for accidental spit-up purposes. By this time, Amari's whimpering is getting louder. I settle her in my arms and plop the bottle in her mouth. She immediately latches on and starts to suck. It's amazing how every time a baby feeds they act like they're starving.

I feel Mac settle on the other end of the couch and I look over at him. The expression he is wearing makes my breath catch. He's watching me feed Amari with such reverence in his eyes. I see a small smile tip up the corners of his lips.

"You're a natural at this."

"Only because I used to watch Aunt Tricia's kids." I look down at Amari and wipe the dribble of milk that's sliding out of the corner of her mouth.

"Why haven't you settled down and had kids of your own?" His question is so quiet I barely hear it. But I do, and it sends a sharp pain straight to my heart.

When I look at him, I know he sees the hurt in my eyes. There is no hiding it from him, even if I wanted to.

"Why ask me that, Mac? You know the answer." My voice is quiet.

Mac leans over and places his elbows on his knees with his head bent. When he pulls his head back up, I see his jaw clench before he speaks again, like what he's about to say he doesn't really want to say it.

"Just because things didn't work out for us doesn't mean you shouldn't have kids, Mia. You would make a wonderful mother. I know that was a big dream of yours. Don't let what happened between us keep you from that."

I pull the bottle from Amari's mouth and prop her up on my shoulder to burp her while I come up with a way to respond to Mac's statement. He doesn't understand that what happened ten years ago changed my views on life. No longer do I want to have that family we'd talked about so many times. I no longer want the two-point-five kids and the white picket fence. All my dreams were with Mac in them. When that horrible night happened, he destroyed those dreams. I could never have that now. Mac was meant to share those dreams with me. If I can't have them with him, then I don't want them at all. There is no way I could ever imagine having those dreams with anyone else.

Lightly tapping Amari's back, I finally look over at him. "Those are no longer my dreams, Mac. I'm satisfied with the family I have. I no longer want a family of my own."

He frowns and looks down at his hands, clasped together between his legs. When he looks back up, I see the hurt in his eyes from my words. I know that deep down he was hurt by what happened as well. I can't fool myself into thinking that he wasn't affected. I have no doubt that he used to love me. It just simply wasn't enough. I've often wondered why he did it, but was never brave enough to find out. I was too scared to know. Call me a coward if you want, but it is what it is.

Trying to lighten the mood, I ask him, "How are your parents doing? Are they enjoying their retirement in Florida?"

I hear him pull in a breath before leaning back against the couch.

"Yeah. It's driving my mom crazy with dad not working though. She said he never stops, that he's constantly in the basement building this or that. His current project is making his own charcoal. She said if he's not in the basement, he's in the house repairing shit that doesn't need repairing." He chuckles at that. You can see the love in his eyes when he talks about his parents. The last I heard, it had been a year since their last visit. He has no other family here. He used to have an aunt and uncle who lived fairly close, but they moved to Australia when his uncle received a job offer he couldn't refuse. Both of his grandparents died when he was very young, and he has no siblings.

"You must miss them a lot."

"Yeah, I do. But it's good for them to be in Florida. The cold was finally starting to get to them. They deserve to be in a place where they're comfortable. Mom may complain, but I can tell they're both happy."

He's right, they do deserve to be comfortable. It wasn't long after Mac and I split up that Mac's dad, Sam, retired from the steel mill one town over after working there for thirty years. His mom, Maryann, worked as a teacher for twenty-five years before she retired. I remember them both being hard workers dedicated to their jobs. But even more so, they were dedicated to their small family. They were always so nice to Jaxon, Anna, and me. Mac's parents were over the moon and welcomed me into the family when they found out Mac and I were seeing each other, even with the age difference. They knew Mac had a good head on his shoulders, and wouldn't take advantage of me.

I knew that with the breakup, they were hurt as well. They, just like me, thought we would be together forever. They had tried several times to reach out to me after everything happened, but I always refused them, knowing it would only make it hurt worse. Maryann was like a second mother to me and Sam was more of a father to me than mine ever was. I feel terrible for not going to see them before they left, but I just couldn't.

"They're coming down in a few weeks and I know they would love to see you," Mac says, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Maybe," I say, noncommittally.

"So, how are your mom, Levi, and aunt and uncle doing? Have you heard from them since they left for their cruise?"

"No," I say, and look over at the clock hanging on the wall. "Actually, they should be boarding the cruise ship right about now."

"It's still hard to believe that Lilly and Levi have been seeing each other for over two years and none of us knew."

"Yeah, she's become very sneaky. But I'm happy for them. My mom, more than anyone, deserves to be happy."

"You deserve to be happy as well, Pix."

I look over at him and see sincerity in his eyes. He means what he says. What he doesn't understand is I'll never truly be happy again.

"I'm as happy as I'll ever be."

I get up off the couch when I realize Amari has fallen asleep lying on my shoulder. I walk over to the bassinet and gently place her inside. Once I prop her on her side, I walk back to the couch and take my seat again. We both sit in silence for a few minutes before I turn and face Mac.

"What did you want to talk about?" It's getting more and more difficult having him here. This is the first pleasant conversation we've had since that night long ago. I don't like having him in my space. I want no memories of him being here. This is my safe haven and I want to keep it that way. The longer he stays here the more I can imagine him here… with me.

"Hear me out before you stop me, okay?" At my hesitant nod, he continues. "I know you don't care about what happened that night. I also know it won't change anything, but what happened is not what it seems. I need you to understand what you saw."

As much as I know it will end up hurting to bring up the past, I've become very curious. There is no excuse for what he did with Tessa and nothing he says will make it okay in my eyes, but obviously, Mac feels it will explain and help me understand his reasoning. I take a deep breath and hope I'm not making a mistake.

"Okay, I'll listen to what you have to say."

Relief immediately floods his face as he gives me a grateful smile.

"But not right now," I add. "Let's wait until Jaxon and Bailey come back. My focus needs to be on Amari."

He nods, understanding. He knows this will hurt to talk about, and I don't need any distraction while caring for my brother's baby.

"That's fine. Next week, maybe, after they come back."

"Okay." I get up from the couch and move toward the door, ready for him to leave. I need him gone so I can process the temporary reprieve.

When I make it to the door, I feel him standing right behind me. I turn around and he's less than two feet from me. Taking another step toward me, he shortens the distance by half. I steady my heart from his close proximity. I look up at him and see him studying my face, like he wants to say something, but isn't sure he should.

Instead of talking, he lightly rubs his thumb across my cheek. I close my eyes at the contact, knowing I should take a step back but also knowing I won't. I've missed his touch so much. For these few seconds, I want to forget about everything else.

I feel his breath on my lips right before I feel just a whisper of his on mine. It wasn't really a kiss, more like a light graze.

"I'm so damn sorry, Mia," he whispers in my ear, and kisses the side of my head. I feel the sting of tears at the back of my eyes.

Without opening my eyes, I know he's no longer in front of me. A couple seconds later, I hear the soft click of the door closing, telling me he is gone. When I do open my eyes, a single tear trickles down my cheek.