Epilogue

PENN

“ R eese, for fuck’s sake, if you whine about snacks one more time, I’m gonna lose it,” I say, my eyes glued to the screen of my phone. My wife’s little sister’s face is scrunched up in that familiar pout, her dorm room backdrop looking as girly as fucking ever. I didn’t pay fucking thousands of dollars to enroll her into a different school that I could control for her last semester of high school to play her personal Door Dash.

“Penn, I swear to God, it’s like the universe hates me,” Reese complains, clutching her stomach dramatically. “I’ve got the worst cramps, and the vending machine downstairs is out of everything good.”

“Jesus Christ, I’ll just order some delivery,” I snap back, rolling my eyes. “You can do that yourself, you know.”

“You’re the best, Penn! My favorite brother!” She squeals, her mood instantly lifting.

“Favorite? I’m your only brother, Reese.” I smirk, shaking my head at her antics.

“Not true! Technically, your brothers are my brothers too, and Ramsey’s my cousin.” She sticks her tongue out, all mischievous innocence.

“Fuck I am,” Ramsey mumbles under his breath as he walks up beside me, raising an eyebrow at our conversation.

“Alright, hellion. I’ll order your shit, and you can have a fucking slumber party but no goddamn boys,” I say, hanging up and pulling up a delivery app on my phone.

“Don’t worry, I fucking got it,” Ramsey interjects, peering over my shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m sure you do, but watch yourself. I’ve got both fucking eyes on you,” I warn, a smirk playing on my lips.

“Why don’t you just order your wife some snacks?” Ramsey shoots back, a smart-ass grin spreading across his face. “Aren’t women supposed to sync up, anyway?”

“Reagan’s cycle is all sorts of fucked up,” I reply, contemplative for a moment. “She’s been like that since she was fourteen. Never know when it’s gonna hit. It’s one of the symptoms of PCOS. I read up on that shit because you know fucking acronyms bother me unless I’m the one coming up with them.”

“Figures,” Ramsey mutters, before pulling out his phone and placing an order for Reese like the obsessed little mini me he is.

Ramsey and I step into the house, the heavy oak door creaking shut behind us. My annoyed little cousin makes a beeline for the kitchen, no doubt to get something better than whatever the fuck they are serving at the hockey dorm.

“Raid away,” I mutter, more to myself than him, as I head upstairs. Climbing two steps at a time, my mind is still replaying Reese’s giggling gratitude from earlier. She’s fucking trouble with all of that innocence and keeping her away from fuck boys is going to be a full-time job .

I push open the bedroom door to find a package sitting on the bed. Its plain brown wrapping is almost ominous in its ordinariness. Before I can inspect it further, I hear the faint sound of running water and glance toward the bathroom. Reagan’s there, washing her face, her silhouette framed by the light.

“Is that anthrax?” I call out, leaning against the doorframe with a smirk. “If you want to poison me, you could’ve been a little more discreet.”

“Shut the fuck up and open the box,” she snaps back, rolling her eyes as she wipes away the last traces of makeup, revealing those sharp ass eyes of hers.

“Your charm knows no bounds,” I retort, sauntering over to the bed. I tear the tape away and flip open the flaps. Inside are... miniature bat slippers? Exact match to Billy and Stu but like twelve times as small. What the actual?—

“What the fuck are these?” I say, pulling them out and holding them up like they’re radioactive. “I swear to fuck if you got us a dog, I’m going to lose it.”

“You’re an idiot,” Reagan says, walking out of the bathroom, her eyes narrowing. “If they were for a dog, there’d be four. There are two small slippers in your hand. What the fuck else wears slippers?”

“Uh...” My brain churns slowly, gears grinding as I try to piece together what she’s implying. And then it hits me like a freight train. Pregnant. She’s fucking pregnant. Cause a baby has two fucking feet to fit into these cute as shit replicas of my size thirteens.

“Are you serious?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

Reagan just stares at me with a raised eyebrow.

My jaw nearly drops. I’m stunned, completely floored. “Pregnant?” I repeat like a dumbass, staring at the slippers as if the wings will animate and fly off.

“Yeah, genius. Pregnant,” she confirms, crossing her arms over her chest.

I let out a breathy laugh, more out of shock than anything else. “Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.”

“How?” I ask, my voice louder than intended.

“I know you know how the fuck someone gets pregnant. I’m not giving you a sex ed class.” I smirk at that.

“I mean I wouldn’t be opposed if you wanted to be the hot teacher and I’ll be the bad boy she keeps giving detention.” I wiggle my eyebrows at her because fuck yeah, I can get behind that roleplay.

“It’ll be a Catholic school, so I can beat you with a ruler because you are insatiable.” I roll my eyes because she knows I would love that.

“When did you find out?” I blurt out, my mind racing in a thousand different directions. “How far along are you? And why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Reagan stands there, just staring at me like she’s humoring a child throwing a tantrum. “You done rambling, asshole?” she says, her tone dripping with sarcasm.

“Seriously, Reagan,” I insist, my voice rising. “I need some answers here.”

“Calm your shit, psycho,” she snaps back. “I literally just found out today. Went to get my fucking B12 shot from the doctor, and they do a physical, which includes a urine test. Imagine my fucking surprise when they tell me I’m pregnant. Not just pregnant, but pregnant pregnant. Like twelve fucking weeks pregnant—ten, but apparently, they count two extra weeks or some bullshit. I don’t know. I tuned the doctor out after hearing the word ‘pregnant.’ ”

“Wait, a second...” I start counting back on my fingers. Twelve weeks... that would be—“Holy fuck!” Realization hits me like a punch to the gut. I grab her by the waist, pulling her close. “You’re my pregnant wife,” I murmur against her lips, not giving her a chance to respond before claiming her mouth in a heated kiss.

“Yeah, I suppose I am. Congratu-fucking-lations, we have a parasite among us.”

“Fuck,” I whisper harshly as I break away, staring at her face and memorizing each inch of her. “I told you I was going to knock your ass up one day. Couldn’t wait for my little mini hellfire, and now it’s happening.”

I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that we’re going to be parents. Fucking parents.

“It could be a little psycho, ya know?”

She softens, her usually guarded demeanor melting away as she leans into me. “Well, the odds were fucking against us, but guess my little Russian roulette played off. Doesn’t matter what our little parasite is, they’re ours,” I say, a smirk curling at my lips.

“Penn,” she murmurs, her voice surprisingly tender for once.

“Yeah, baby?” I reply, my hand sliding down to rest protectively over her still-flat abdomen.

“Just shut up and kiss me again.”

I grin like a madman, a rare softness infiltrating the edges of my smirk. I give her another peck on the lips before breaking away, an idea forming in my head. Without another word, I drop to my knees in front of her.

Reagan’s eyes widen as she watches me. “What the hell are you doing?”

Ignoring her, I gently lift her shirt, exposing her smooth, pale stomach. I press my lips against the skin, feeling its warmth, and close my eyes for a moment. When I open them, they’re fixed on that unseen life growing inside her.

“Hey there, mini hellfire,” I begin, my voice uncharacteristically soft and tender. “It’s your daddy here.”

Reagan snorts above me, but there’s a quiver in her breath that tells me she’s moved. My hands caress her sides as I continue to talk to our unborn child.

“You know, your mom and me? We’re gonna make sure you have one hell of a life. We’ll do football Sundays with me, obviously. Your uncles will probably fucking be there also. I’m annoyed I’ll have to share you with them. I’ll teach you all the plays and scream at the TV like a lunatic. And video games? We’ll dominate those together. But don’t worry; we’ll break up all that chaos with some art time with mommy. She’s got this incredible talent you’ll get to learn from.”

I press another kiss to Reagan’s stomach and chuckle softly. “Halloween will be our thing, kiddo. Your mom and I are big on it—we’re talking scary costumes, haunted houses, and pranking your uncles until they lose their shit. Literally.”

Reagan lets out a low laugh at that, her fingers threading through my hair as she looks down at me.

“We’ll start planning pranks early,” I say conspiratorially to the bump that’s barely there yet. “Uncle Jerry’s first on the list. We’re gonna fill his room with fake spiders or some shit. Uncle Linky won’t see it coming either—maybe put some cling wrap over the toilet seat or something classic. And Uncle Grammy? Trust me, I’ve got ideas for days.”

She gives me a small smile and places her hand over mine on her stomach.

I rise to my feet slowly, never breaking eye contact with her. The reality of it all is sinking in deeper with each passing second. Our future is no longer just about us; it’s about this tiny life we’ve created together.

“Alright, we gotta go tell the circus,” I say, pulling away from Reagan and clapping my hands together. The look she gives me is full of exasperation and amusement, but there’s a flicker that tells me she’s just as excited as I am.

“Lead the way, you joker,” she mutters, rolling her eyes but following close behind as I stride out of the bedroom, making our way down the stairs.

As soon as we step into the kitchen, all eyes are on us.

“Listen up, fuckers!” I announce as I strut into the room, my arm draped possessively around Reagan’s waist. “Got an announcement to make.”

“What’s this about now?” Lincoln asks, his voice dripping with sarcasm. His dark eyes scan me, already bracing for whatever shitstorm I’m about to unleash.

“Like I just said, I have an announcement to make,” I declare, chest puffed out like a goddamned peacock. The collective groan that follows is music to my ears.

“Please tell me it’s not another marriage,” Jeremiah quips, leaning back against the counter with a weary expression. “One was more than enough.”

“Don’t worry, Jerry,” I shoot back, narrowing my eyes at him. “It’s nothing you have to worry your pretty little head about. But just so you know, I was fucking real good on your birthday.” I thrust my hips forward in a crude imitation, drawing disgusted and amused reactions from the room.

“Goddamn it, Penn,” Lincoln mutters, shaking his head while trying and failing not to laugh.

“Yeah, suck it, Uncle Jerry,” I add for good measure, flashing a wicked grin as I revel in the chaos I’ve sown, but no one catches on to me calling him Uncle .

“Real mature, Penn,” Iris chimes in, her tone dripping with sarcasm.

“Helloooooo, maturity is overrated. My dick is mature, and that’s all I care about,” I retort, strutting over to the table and pull the little slippers out and put them on the table for everyone to see.

“Anyway, enough about Jerry’s birthday being my sex fest,” I continue, ignoring the murderous look Jeremiah shoots my way. “So, listen up, because shit’s about to change around here in about six months.”

It takes a minute before everyone freezes, their eyes darting toward Reagan standing there with her arms crossed, looking at me like she’s both amused and annoyed.

“Right about now, things are starting to click for you,” I say, grinning like a madman. “I got the biggest dick, first one to get married, first one to knock up my wife. I’m three for three, motherfuckers.”

There’s a collective gasp, followed by stunned silence. You could hear a pin drop in this godforsaken room. Iris breaks the tension, rolling her eyes so hard I think they might get stuck. “Oh, dear fucking god... it’s going to be a Scorpio,” she mutters, voice dripping with exasperation.

“Yeah, yeah,” I cackle, the sound echoing off the kitchen walls as I reach into my pocket. “A little hellion just like their old man.”

“Jesus Christ, Penn,” Lincoln groans.

“Everyone better get used to this,” I declare, my eyes scanning the room. “Because this little family of ours? It’s just getting started.”

Oakley and Iris get up and move to hug my wife in congratulations and I feel my lips pulling back and my teeth baring at the thought of anyone touching her right now. Fuck, she’s going to have my balls if I try to keep the girls away from her.

I turn back to my brothers and we’re not a sappy fucking family, but genuine smiles are on each of their faces. It’s getting a bit too emotional for me.

“Always thought you’d be the first to drop the kids off and have them take hold with your damn breeding kink Jerry, but once again, I have one-upped you just like I kicked your ass on Soul Suckers 2000. I know you’re just heartbroken that I stole this spotlight from you, man.”

“Penn, I swear to God if you don’t shut the fuck up, I’m going to choke you with the baby’s slippers and leave Reagan as a damn widow.” Harsh, I wish a motherfucker would.

No man, woman, entity will pull me from her side. Where I go, she will follow and vice versa.

Here’s to the next generation of Blackwoods…

Now I just have to figure out how to get rid of Robert, once and for all.