Chapter 22

22

Eli

M addie wanted to leave on the first flight home, so we were up at four fucking a.m.

She left a handwritten note for Jordan and didn't speak a word to me on the hour drive to the airport or the two-hour wait for our flight. The fact that she was driving the car, even if it was without a driver's license, was a shock all on its own. Guess she learned lots of new things the past year.

Once we finally get boarded on the plane, Maddie cries the entire flight home. Sometimes, when my eyes are closed and I'm pretending to sleep in the seat next to hers, I even hear her sobs and sniffles.

Her crying hurts me more than the throbbing hole in my leg. I don't like seeing her in pain, which is fucking unheard of.

I love hurting people. It's more than a hobby; it's what I was put on this earth to do.

Maddie is apparently the exception to that rule.

She's hurting and it's my fault. I didn't leave any physical scars, but there are plenty of emotional ones.

Not only did I find her and am currently dragging her to the home she fled, but I also fucked things up with her and her boy.

I bet Jordan is shedding a few tears today too.

The kid tries to act all tough, but he has a sensitive side. He loved Maddie, even if he didn't really know her. But he also loved being with me.

I've had plenty of male and female lovers, and that guy was in heaven whenever I touched him. There wasn't any fear in him when I had him restrained, threatening to end his life. No fear, just lust. Maybe that's the real reason I let him live.

Yes, he was too pretty to mess up, but he also wanted me.

Unlike all the others, including Gavin, he wasn't scared of what I would do to him. Jordan yearned for it all, every second of it.

Even though Gavin was bi, he still didn't really want my hands, mouth, or dick near him. He only saw me as a monster, not as an attractive man he could love.

I know it wasn't love with Jordan either. We only spent a few days together. He's obviously just someone who enjoys pain. A masochist. Or a seriously repressed boy who gave his all to try and be straight day in and day out for so long that when he was alone with me, he was just relieved to be getting what he had really wanted all this time.

Deep down he probably didn't really even love Maddie. He just loved the idea of being with a beautiful woman, the perfect beard to hide behind. Nobody would see the two of them together and think he was anything but perfectly straight for being able to catch a woman like her.

But looks can be deceiving.

Maddie wasn't enough for Jordan. She never would have been either. That's why I shouldn't feel guilty for taking her away from him.

The only thing I regret is leaving him behind.

Dammit. I should've killed him, then I would've stopped thinking about him by now and be focused on having Maddie all to myself or finding my next victim. Dante's next assignment.

It's not too late.

I could hand Maddie over to her father, get on a flight back to Virginia, and finish what I started.

But for only the second time in my life, I'm not sure I could go through with it.

I guess Maddie isn't the only person I don't like to see in pain.

After all, did I ever do anything to Jordan that he didn't enjoy? Hell no. I couldn't slice up his perfect skin. I didn't even want to leave bruises on his tan flesh when he tried to fight me at the garage.

Gavin was the most gorgeous man in the world, and I still took his life with my own hands. I left bruises on his neck while I choked the life out of him. Bruises that will never heal now.

But Gavin fucked up. He wasn't a man I could trust. He deserved what I did to him.

Jordan, well, I think I could trust him. Maddie did. He gave her a home and a life in Rockland without even knowing her real name.

Glancing over at her, her head is slumped to the side finally sleeping, cheeks still damp from her tears. Maddie's bruises are faint on her neck, but there. If Dante asks, which I'm sure he will, I'll tell him it was the PI who grabbed her before I saved her.

When the stewardess walks by, I flag her down. "Can I get a pack of tissues?"

"Sure," she replies cheerfully. A moment later she returns with the small packet. I remove a single tissue and dab up Maddie's tears. Her eyes blink open while I work.

"You'll forget him in no time," I assure her and myself. "I bet you won't even have time to think about him thanks to whatever Dante makes you do as punishment for leaving."

"How's your leg feeling today?" she asks quietly as she sits up a little straighter in her seat, accepting the tissue to blow her nose.

"I'll live," I tell her, barely noticing the throbbing ache at the moment.

Nodding, she then asks, "How bad...how bad do you think this reunion will be?"

"I have no clue. Dante won't physically hurt you," I assure her. If I thought Dante would lay a hand on her or cause her one second of pain for running away, I wouldn't be dragging her back home to Vegas. "He'll probably make you do some shitty chores. Maybe change all of Cass's brat's diapers once it's born. Then again, her and the baby will be with Cole in New York until he graduates in the spring…"

"I still can't believe she's having a baby," she says with a small smile.

"I can. I walked in on her and Cole fucking once. If they're not careful, they'll be popping out kids like crazy."

"Ew," Maddie says but doesn't lose her smile. "So, Sophie and Cass are married and have moved out. That means I'll be all alone with Daddy and Vanessa."

"Dante is looking for a house for him and Vanessa. But even after they move out, you won't be all alone. I assume I'll still be living in the house. Dante will never let me leave, not until he thinks I paid back my debt."

"Oh. Right," Maddie replies.

I can't tell if she's happy about the fact that I'll be there or not based on her short response.

"There will be other men, Maddie," I tell her.

"I know. It's just…I'm worried about Jordan."

"You worry that he'll be alone or that he'll move on with someone else?"

"Both. It's wrong to want him to be lonely. But it hurts so much to think about him with someone else. Anyone else, a man or a woman."

Fuck me. I hate it even more that she's hurting, and I can't do anything to stop it.

"Don't you want him to be happy?" I ask her.

"I want him to be happy with me. Despite what Josie said, I should've begged him to come to Vegas."

"It'll get easier," I tell her, hoping I'm right. "Eventually you won't even remember how handsome his face is, or how tall and sexy he is, or how big and beautiful his dick is…"

"Eli!" she huffs, slapping me in the chest with the back of her hand.

I take her hand before she pulls it back and lay it on top of my thigh, covering it with my own. "You will be okay, Maddie."

Giving me another smile when she faces me, she says, "I'm glad you'll be in the penthouse too."

"Good."

If Dante even lets me back in , I think to myself but don't tell her. I'll do whatever it takes to convince the mafia king to let me move back in.

Whatever it takes.

Jordan

I never made it to the guest bed in my mom and Colt's house.

No, I've just been sitting at the breakfast nook against the wall in their dark kitchen, chugging coffee. As if I need the caffeine to stay awake when my mind won't shut the hell up for two seconds.

What I keep coming back to is that not once in the fifteen months I was with Maddie did I ever ask myself if I was with her because it was easy, because I wanted to avoid facing the deep, dark truth about my sexuality.

Now I think maybe I should have.

Thanks to facing what I was sure was certain death at Eli's tattooed hands, I'm questioning everything I thought I knew about myself.

I thought I could shove my sexual attraction to men into the back of my soul's closet, lock the door, throw away the key, and it would stay sealed in there for the rest of my life.

I forgot all about that tiny crack at the bottom of the door where shit could sneak out even if I never open that door again.

What I think I'm starting to realize is that you can't pick and choose what pieces of yourself to keep and others to throw away.

Eli is a perfect example of that. He fully embraces himself as an evil monster rather than try to spin his murders as some type of vigilante justice. Rightly deserved justice. Which, as far as I know, the ones here in Virginia were deserved.

Maybe he's too accepting of his darkness while I deny that mine exists.

Not that being bisexual is a darkness. After all, most of the decent people in the world fully encourage the idea of loving whoever the hell you want, regardless of their gender.

I think that's my hangup.

With Eli, it was just sex, purely physical. Lust. So how the hell do I figure out if I could ever love a man the way that I love Maddie?

Because I do love her.

At least I think I do. Unless I'm just kidding myself…

"Damn, kid," Colt says as he flips on the lights. He shuffles his bare feet into the kitchen in his cotton shorts and tee, his short blond hair standing on end, eyes still bleary with sleep and pours himself a cup of coffee. "You look like you're thinking so hard you're gonna burn your brain up."

"It's possible," I agree. "What time is it?" I ask him, too lazy to pull my phone from my jean pocket.

He looks up at the clock on the microwave I can't see from the table. "Just six-thirty. Couldn't sleep?" he asks, sipping his coffee before coming to join me at the table.

I shove both of my hands through my greasy hair that needs a wash just to keep my head from hitting the table. "Nope."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Because you don't think talking it out will help or because you don't want to drudge up shit from the past that's fucking up things in the present?"

I should've known Colt would get it without me saying a word. After all, we were both preyed upon by older men in our lives. Except, I was technically an adult unlike Colt who was abused by his uncle as a boy, which is not even close to being the same thing. I feel like shit for even thinking the two of us fall into the same category.

"I can't figure out if I actually love, loved Maddie or…if I used her to avoid figuring out if I'm into men too or not."

"Look, I've told you before that I spent a lot of time questioning my own sexuality after what happened, right? The question of who you want to be can only be answered by you. Not the manipulative prick from your past. And you don't need anyone's permission or approval, not your mother's and especially not your bigoted father's."

"I want to believe that I don't care what anyone would say. Especially with RJ and Thane getting married and every one of the Savage Kings wishing them well and never treating them differently because they were together. Still, it's impossible to drown out all the slurs my father berated me with over the years. I haven't spoken to the man in years, since the night you and I beat him up, but I can still hear his goddamn voice full of disappointment and anger calling me a fag or a twink, and I hate it."

"He's your father, for better or for worse, so there's no escaping that voice you grew up with, the one that shaped you into the man you are today. You have to decide whether or not that asshole's voice is worth being alone and unhappy. While he may be your father, he's also a disgusting human being who liked belittling and abusing women and his own son to make himself feel better. You can always tell his voice in your head to shut the fuck up and rot in hell."

"I almost silenced that bastard's voice one night. When we were all in Vegas for Greer and Celeste's wedding. The night I met Maddie. I was getting drunk because I wanted to try and figure out if I could be with a man of my choosing. The alcohol was my courage and would've been my defense if I had hooked up with a guy. You know, the old, ‘I was so damn drunk I didn't know what I was doing' excuse. Then Maddie sat down beside me at the bar and I…I couldn't look away."

"So, you're wondering what might have happened if you hadn't met her? If meeting Maddie cost you a chance to answer the burning question in your soul either because you were attracted to her or because you were just relieved that she interrupted your quest for the truth you weren't ready to face?"

"Yes. All that," I agree with a slow nod. "Being with Maddie was just so easy from the first second I asked her if I could buy her a drink or if she wanted to grab some dinner with me. Now, I know it was easy thanks to her desperation to escape Vegas."

"Ah, that does complicate things. You thought there was an instant connection while she was using you as her ticket out of town. Learning her motive now, so long after the fact, would be a hard ass pill to swallow, making you second-guess everything since the moment you met."

"Exactly. If she had just told me she needed to get out of the city, I still would've asked her to come home with me. I would've known her agenda, though, not mistaken it for a fake connection. I thought I had hit the jackpot in the casino and won the lottery at the same time when she lied and told me we got married."

"Again, you can't be sure now if you felt lucky to have her as your wife or lucky to be able to put an end to the question on your mind. After all, you're a good man, you would never cheat on your beautiful wife, especially with a man who you may or may not actually want to be with."

"That about sums it all up," I agree. "But I did cheat on Maddie. In my defense as an otherwise good guy, it was after Eli told me we weren't married, that Maddie had lied to me. I accepted it as the truth from him, a stranger, since I couldn't find our marriage license when I looked into it. Reece couldn't either. The IT genius couldn't even find any images of her anywhere in the world from the photo I sent him. He was livid, demanding to know who the ghost girl was. All that, combined with the certainty that Eli was going to carve out my eyeballs and kill me like the others, let me give in without all the guilt."

"Wait," Colt mutters, his face hard. I knew loyalty was important to him, but he looks fucking furious with me. " Eli is the eyeball killer?"

Oh. That.

"He kidnapped you, didn't he?"

"Yes, but I still have both eyes—see?" I remark while pointing to my face. "And it's a long story. Before you and the Kings round up the pitchforks and torches, I'll just say that Eli had a good reason for the murders. Taking their eyeballs while they were alive is just sort of his signature move."

"He really takes their eyes while they're still alive?"

"Yes, but those men were nasty ass human traffickers."

Colt blinks at me, obviously trying to wrap his head around all this information. "The PI and truck driver from Clayton were trafficking people ?"

"Yes, those two and another guy worked together making a shit load of money hunting women and girls and transporting them to rich perverts."

"Jesus Christ."

"Good riddance, right?"

"Hell, yes," Colt easily agrees. "And you fooled around with that guy? The killer who takes eyeballs out of people's heads while they're alive? While you were his captive?"

"Yes."

"Jordan…" My stepfather shakes his head, and I already know what he's going to say before the words leave his mouth "How is what Eli did to you any different from that son of a bitch your mom married?"

"It was completely different," I assure him. "There was never any doubt about wanting him, wanting what we did. If anything, being Eli's captive, fearing for my life, gave me the courage to finally be honest with myself."

"Wow. The psycho did more for you in a few days than years of therapy, huh?"

"Right?" I agree with a grin. "I know Eli is a vicious killer. I saw him torture the third guy with my own eyes. And yet, I wasn't scared of him when he touched me. Yes, he's a manipulative bastard, but I could've refused him, I just…didn't."

"You finally got the answer to your question, the one you wanted back in Vegas."

I nod my agreement. "I finally got my answer. Yes, I felt guilty, felt like I was an asshole for cheating on Maddie, but in a way, it was also a huge relief. A weight was lifted off me so I could just be…me."

"Which is great. I'm happy for you. And I get why you've been sitting here all night. Having the answer to your sexuality doesn't help you get anywhere with the question of whether or not you love Maddie."

"Do you think…is it possible that I could be both—bisexual and in love with her?" I ask.

"Absolutely. You're obviously happier knowing how you really feel about men. Now you just need to ask yourself if you're happy with Maddie."

"Yes. I was. There's no doubt about that. She made me happy. Waking up with her, sharing every part of my life with her, that made me happy, even if she was just using me."

"I think we both know that regardless of how it started, that girl loves you too. Even your mom, despite her complaints about Maddie, couldn't honestly say that you two didn't make each other happy. Happy may or may not be love, but it's not a small thing either. I don't even think you're floundering about whether or not you love her, or she loves you. You're likely struggling with the question of whether you love her enough to ignore the other half of your bisexuality. Can you give up the desire to be with men for her?"

"I…don't know."

"That's okay, Jordan. You don't need to figure out how to spend the rest of your life in one day. Hell, maybe there's a third option where you can have both."

"Both?" I repeat.

"Loving one person isn't easy. Trying to spread the love around with two people equally so nobody gets hurt would be a challenge."

Colt makes some great points. And what I can't bring myself to tell him is that the idea of being with Maddie and Eli at the same time sounds like a dream come true. The best of both worlds. A perfect solution.

At least when it comes to sex, which would meet all of my wants and needs sexually.

But a relationship with Maddie and Eli seems impossible.

Someone would definitely get hurt. Maddie would eventually be forced to have to choose between us. I was jealous as fuck when I found out she had been with Eli behind my back. I think Maddie was not only mad that I didn't tell her I was bisexual, but she was also jealous when I was with Eli.

Sharing a lover with someone else would be fucking difficult. I would always wonder if I was the third wheel, just getting in the way.

Besides, I doubt Maddie's strict, mob boss father would let her have two men in her life even if we didn't fight over her.

Not that I think Eli would bother trying to make it work with both of us in an actual relationship.

How could he when he thinks he's a monster and his own mother couldn't even love him? At the first assumption that Maddie prefers me, Eli would jump ship to avoid getting his feelings hurt.

It makes me wonder if Eli's a sadist, not because he enjoys the power of hurting someone, holding their life in his hands, as much as it is that he's just inflicting his own deep-seated pain on others because he's had more hurt in his life than he can possibly handle.

Goddammit.

I think I may have accidentally fallen in love with the son of a bitch when I was eyeball deep in orgasms.

I nearly panicked when Maddie told me she shot him, because I was worried about him. Then I wanted to punch him in the throat for letting Maddie watch us. But I still care about him, worry about the hole in his leg getting infected, hurting him.

He says he likes the pain, but I think it's all bullshit.

And, surprisingly enough, whatever new things I feel for Eli hasn't put a damper on my feelings for Maddie.

I love her and I started falling in love with him.

I'm a greedy bastard who wants them both in every way I can possibly have them. I can try to swallow down my jealousy if Eli and Maddie could agree to do the same.

Try.

That doesn't seem too much to ask, for us to just try.

So, I should probably go tell them I want them both before they get on a plane headed on a one-way flight to Las Vegas.

"I need to go see them," I tell Colt.

"Okay," he replies. "You do that. I'll go have a talk with Deputy Little about the dead men being human traffickers to get him off your ass, you know, in case you need to leave town."

"Thanks, Colt," I tell him, meaning for everything.

As soon as I pull into our apartment building's parking lot, I know I fucked up and overthought shit for too long

Maddie's car is gone. The one I helped her pick out for emergencies even though she can't get her license without legal documents proving her identity.

The same car she drove to come and free me from Eli's torture camper.

I tell myself that maybe she just went to get some breakfast. It's so early, only seven-thirty. Surely, they haven't left already to go to the airport.

But Maddie is an early bird. Most days she would have already made two batches of cupcakes by now in Greer's kitchen.

Needing to know for sure, my heart races as I climb off my bike and remove my helmet while walking up the stairs to the door. The apartment just feels emptier as soon as I unlock the door and take my first step inside the door.

"Maddie?" I call out, even though after hundreds of times I know she won't answer me back.

I'm too fucking late.

All that coffee threatens to come back up as I head to the bedroom. Ignoring the blood stains on the bedding and the carpet, I open the closet door to find all her things are missing. She took the clothes I helped her buy since she arrived in Rockland with nothing but a bag of money and a gun.

Maddie's gone for good. And worst of all, she left believing that she wasn't worth fighting for.

Hell, even Eli asked me to come to Vegas with them.

Now, the distance our lies put between us feels too wide to ever close. I wish we could have at least tried. I want to ask them both to try even if I have to spend every penny I have on the next flight to Vegas.

When I stalk back through the apartment a piece of folded notebook paper flutters down to the floor. One with my name in Maddie's handwriting on the front.

Bending down, I pick up the paper and open it.

Jordan,

Thank you for everything. For too many things for me to possibly list in this letter.

I was so lucky to have met you when I was facing the world on my own for the very first time, without a clue where to go or who I even wanted to be.

You helped me learn to love and accept myself, flaws and all. I just wish I hadn't stopped you from doing the same.

I don't blame you for wanting me to leave. You were right. It's for the best, for both of us. My father is nearly as violent as Eli. He's going to be so angry at me for leaving that I don't think he could handle meeting you too. And if he hurt you, well, the Savage Kings felt like my family, even though they're actually yours. They would start a war for you. And while you would be worth every drop of blood spilled, I wouldn't be. So, please don't start a war for me.

I wish you all the best.

Love,

Madison

And just like that, with a few paragraphs, she shoots down my whole fucking plan.