Chapter 21

Chapter

Twenty-One

HARPER

D eclan’s room here is so different from his room at Cillian’s house. This one has more of his personality present. From the black-drenched walls and bookcases to the black and white photos of planes in flight. On his bedside table there’s a framed photo of him and a woman I assume is his mother. She has blonde hair and fair skin but the same nose as Declan. They’re standing in front of a plane and smiling into the camera.

He looks so happy being tucked against her side. My heart breaks for him. It’s so clear how much he loved her, both by the photo and the way he talks about her. That must be why the further from the ground we got, the lighter he seemed this weekend.

“That’s my mom.” He closes the door behind him and walks over to me.

“I figured. She’s beautiful.”

“She was.” He pulls a rosary from his pocket and drops it on the table next to the spot where the photo sits. “I’m going to shower before bed, do you want to get ready before me?”

I take the opportunity and grab some pajamas, cleanser, and my toothbrush. I can’t help snooping a bit. Everything is so clean and minimalistic in his bathroom. The black paint continues in here, but it doesn’t feel heavy with the bamboo vanity and white marble flooring with black veins running through it. The shower has multiple shower heads and matte black subway tiles laid in a herringbone pattern. It’s luxurious and masculine, basically screaming Declan’s name from every corner.

He’s sitting on the edge of the bed scrolling on his phone when I come out. When he looks up his eyes do a lazy sweep of my body from my toes to my eyes. My nipples harden at the hungry expression on his face. Shame quickly supplants the desire I feel, though; I’m not sleeping in here for anything other than sleeping. I’m sure he’s not thinking about sex right now, especially with how upset he was earlier. I shouldn’t even be thinking about it.

“Is there a side you prefer me to sleep on?”

His brows lift as if he’s surprised by the question. “You want me to sleep in the bed with you?”

“Where else would you sleep?” My cheeks redden. Am I sleeping here alone? Did I just misunderstand what he meant to happen?

“The floor.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. If anyone should sleep on the floor, it’s me. This is your room.” I look around, my eyes landing on the chair in the corner by the bookshelves. “I could even sleep over there, or the living room even.” Though I don’t like the idea of being alone tonight.

“No.” He stands up, towering over me, and puts his hands on my shoulders. “We can share the bed. I don't have a preference on which side I sleep on, but my charger is on the left.”

I’ll take the right then. The sheets are soft and cool as I climb under the covers and sink into the soft mattress. It’s comforting to be surrounded by his faint scent as I try to relax my mind. I know that as soon as I shut off my own thoughts, anxiety and fear will surface.

This is one of the times prayer would have been comforting to me. I can’t even begin to count how many nights I’d fall asleep praying instead of allowing anxiety to consume me. But God and my father are so entwined to me that prayer feels wrong. The more time between finding out how corrupt my father was and now, the wider the gulf between my faith and myself becomes.

I hate that something that once brought me comfort has been so tainted. Part of me is so envious that Declan can attend church services and feel the presence of his mother. If I even drive past a church, I feel nauseous. Most of all I hate my father for giving me religion and then so violently ripping it away with his lies.

The bathroom door opens, and Declan steps out in nothing but his boxer briefs with a cloud of steam surrounding him. I should avert my eyes, but I can’t. I don’t want to. His body is that of an elite athlete, especially his legs which are thickly muscled from soccer.

He pulls the covers back on his side and gets in bed before turning the light out. We lie in awkward silence for a few minutes far apart enough not to touch but still close enough to feel each other’s warmth. He rolls onto his side, so he’s facing me, and while I can’t see him, I can feel him looking at me.

I force my eyes closed and will myself to relax. Unfortunately, the only thing that accomplishes is me immediately picturing the knife stabbed into my bed. My eyes fly open with an irritated groan as I roll to my side.

“What’s wrong?” Declan pulls me closer to him until my back is flush against his chest.

“I can’t relax to fall asleep. What I used to do won’t work anymore.”

“What did you use to do?” His lips brush my shoulder with each word, sending tingles ricocheting through my body.

“You’ll laugh.”

“I promise I won’t.”

“I’d pray until God got annoyed enough by my long, rambling soliloquies that he’d make me fall asleep.”

His chest shakes against me with silent laughter.

“See. I knew you’d laugh.” I purse my own lips to keep from joining him.

“I wouldn’t have laughed if you’d just said that you prayed. It was the full description that got me.” His laughter dies. “Why can’t you pray?”

“My dad. He wasn’t just my father, he was my religious leader. The man I looked to for everything. It’s hard to untangle him from religion and God. I don’t even think I’m ready to try.”

“I get that.”

We lie together in silence for a few minutes, neither of us able to fully relax. His fingers find the bare skin of my hip between my shorts and top and swoop in lazy circles over the soft flesh. Even with how good it feels, I can’t stop my mind from wandering to the letter now.

“Am I a whore?”

He stills. “No.”

“I did things with Cyrus and then you not even two days later.”

“Did you enjoy what you did?”

“Yes.” My answer is immediate because truth be told, I loved it. “I just feel like I shouldn’t like it.”

“That’s the abuse and religious trauma you’ve suffered speaking. Sex and sexuality are intrinsic to being human. It’s not just about procreation, it’s also about connection. There’s nothing to be ashamed about.”

“But with two different people? ”

“One person or one hundred, it doesn’t matter. If it feels right in the moment and everyone wants to be there, who cares?” He rolls me to face him. “My cousin is coming tomorrow with three of his partners. Sawyer is in a polyam relationship with Olivia and Nolan, and her other two partners, Lake and Grant.”

“How did that happen?”

“It’s a long story, and I’m truthfully not clear about the details as they’re about ten years older than us. But they’re happy and don’t let anyone outside their relationship dictate how they feel about it.”

“Banks mentioned something like this as an option when he told me about being asexual.”

“Does he know about everything with Cyrus and me?”

“Yes. I don’t want to lie to him. He actually seemed relieved. I had been pushing for more physical contact.” I tuck my head under Declan’s chin to avoid eye contact even in the darkness. It still feels shameful to be the one pushing for physical touch as a woman. I’m not supposed to be driven by those urges.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed for wanting sex.” It’s as if he can read my mind. “It’s natural to want that connection. Fuck, I want it all the time.” He presses his hips against mine, his hardness brushing against me to make it clear he’s not lying.

“Can I touch you?” I lift my head and look up into his eyes, putting my hand on his chest.

“Whenever you want, Angel.”

I press my fingertips lightly to his chest and drag them down slowly. His skin is warm and smooth with only a light smattering of hair. He inhales sharply as I follow his ribs to his sides.

“Did that tickle?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“I didn’t take you for the ticklish type.” I tease the area again, delighted when he laughs and grabs my hand.

“Don’t make me take away your permission to touch.”

“I don’t think you want me to stop touching you.” My fingers trace a new path along the V-shaped cut of muscle low on his hips. I dip them under the waistband of his underwear, trying to work up the nerve to go further.

My hand trembles as I slide it lower. He gives another sharp inhale as my fingers brush against his tip. I tilt my head up and search out his eyes.

“Teach me?”

“Fuck,” he moans right before covering my lips with his. The kiss is short but intense, all lips and tongue and teeth. “You want to stroke my cock, Angel?”

I nod and kiss him again.

“Tell me.”

“Out loud?”

“Yes.”

"I want to stroke you. I want you to teach me how to touch you.”

“Touch my what?”

My heart lurches at the word he wants me to say. It feels so dirty and depraved. He’s pushing my comfort zone, maybe because he thinks that I won’t say the word. That triggers my competitive spirit though.

“I want you to teach me how to touch your cock.”

“Good girl, Angel. Pull my underwear off.” He tosses the covers off of us.

I scoot down his body and pull the cotton material down his legs, trying not to be intimidated by the size of his dick when it pops free. It juts proudly from his body into the air, a tiny bead of moisture beaded on his tip. It glistens in the faint light from the moon outside .

“Wrap your hand around me.”

He watches as I wrap my fingers around his thick base. The skin is so hot and smooth with a thick vein that runs from below his tip all the way to his root. I can feel the blood pumping beneath my palm.

“Move it up and down.”

I don’t want to hurt him by squeezing too hard, so I keep my grip light. “Like this?”

“Harder.” He wraps his hand around mine, guiding me to what he likes. “Just like this.”

He uses my fist to fuck himself hard and fast. I’m mesmerized by the way his muscles coil and contract throughout his body. Even his feet can’t stay still, pointing and flexing while his toes curl. Heat builds in my center just watching him come undone.

“Kiss me,” he demands.

I do. I cover his mouth with mine while I lean over him. The way my mouth catches his pants and groans of pleasure is addictive. I wonder what it would feel like to have his length buried inside me while he makes these noises. He cries out against my lips as he orgasms.

I can already tell that feeling him come will be my new obsession. Who knew I’d feel so powerful and sexy just by learning this one thing? His abs are covered in ropes of his release. I swipe my finger through a bit of it and put it to my tongue.

“Oh fuuuuck,” he groans and drops his head back on the pillow. “I could come again just watching you do that.”

Instead of lying there, though, he shoots up and switches our positions, so I’m on my back and he’s leaning over me. He gives me another deep kiss, licking into my mouth with passion and what feels like reverence. His palm cups one of my cheeks as we melt into each other.

“I want to taste you,” he whispers against my skin.

“Like down there?” I ask.

“Your pussy, Angel. I want to taste your pussy. Say it.”

“You want to taste my pussy?” I cover my eyes with my free hand as my face heats up.

“Mmmhmm.” He grabs my hand and pins it beside my head. “I’ve only been dreaming about it for years.”

“Wait– what? Are you serious?”

“Yes.”

He pushes my tank top up over my breasts and takes one of my nipples into his mouth. The other hand slips down under my panties, immediately sliding through my slick folds. It feels so good I forget about being embarrassed or ashamed of what I want.

I want to feel his mouth on me. His fingers are so good, how much better could his tongue be? He slides his thumb over my clit, working every part of me that needs it.

I pull my tank over my head and then wiggle out of my shorts and panties until I’m just as naked as he is. If he climbed on top of me right now, I’d let him. I’d give him anything and everything in this moment, and he must sense it because he looks up at me.

“I’m going to eat your pussy until you scream my name, but that's all we’re doing tonight, okay?”

“Okay.” A surprisingly large part of me is disappointed by that statement.

But then he’s working his way down my body. His lips and tongue sucking and licking every inch they pass over until he wedges his shoulders between my thighs. His face is so close to my center that I feel each of his breaths as he parts me with his thumbs.

“You’re so wet and pretty for me.” He slides a finger deep inside me. “So fucking tight. I can’t wait to make this hole mine.”

He traces my center with his tongue, and it feels unbelievably amazing. I drop my thighs open further for him as the tip of his tongue alternates between circling and flicking my clit. I cry out when he slips another finger inside me and flips them over, teasing the spot along my front wall that makes me loose my mind.

My fingers dig into his hair, pulling at the roots as the most intense, white-hot heat builds in my core. My back arches off the bed, and my hips move against his face. I’m so close I feel like my veins are burning.

“Declan,” I cry out as he sucks my clit between his lips and causes my body to detonate with the most incredible pleasure I’ve ever experienced.

He smiles against me and continues to lick and suck my folds while he moves his fingers in and out of me. He milks every drop of pleasure from my body until the tremors stop, and I melt back into bed. My hair sticks to my forehead as I drag in deep breaths and come down from the high.

“Who would have thought I’d be left breathless?” I say as he collapses beside me.

“Me.” He pulls me close and kisses me .

The taste of my release all over his mouth is so much sexier than I ever thought it would be. He must think so, too, because he takes his time. It’s like he wants to imprint the taste of me on him in my brain. He shouldn’t worry, I’m not going anywhere else.

After a few minutes he gets up and walks naked to his bathroom. I hear water running and catch a glimpse of him in the mirror wiping his stomach off. He flips off the light and walks back over to the bed with warm, wet cloth and cleans me up. That might be the most intimate part of this, allowing him to care for me like that. He’s so gentle with me, even after he tosses the cloth back in the bathroom and lays back down. His arms wrap around me as he pulls me close, and we both fall asleep fully sated for now.