Chapter 10

Chapter

Ten

BANKS

M y stomach has been churning with anxiety since the moment I got behind the wheel and started the drive to see Harper. I know the conversation we’re going to have to have tonight could change the entirety of our relationship.

It could even end it.

That terrifies me because I love her so much it hurts. But I know that she loves me back and deserves to know the truth. I just hope she understands and doesn’t look at me like I’m some kind of weird freak or something. Fuck, I just started to understand who I am, and I wasn’t nearly as sheltered as she was.

It was always easy to keep my secrets before because her dad was always looming. His rules for dating her were so strict that I didn’t have to worry about her wanting to have sex or do anything of a physical nature.

The cowardly part of me wants to wait to have this conversation until after we figure out who is sending those creepy letters, but she said it was just going to be us in the house tonight. Every time she tries to initiate contact with me, and I dodge or deflect, I see the hurt on her face. I can’t do that all night.

So I drag in a deep breath and ready myself to face her as I put my car in park in her driveway. I talked to Declan last night about the security measures they’ve put in place, so I know what’s going on. Developing any type of relationship with him, even just around keeping Harper safe, isn’t something I saw coming. But he’s been open and respectful with me so far.

I’m not even all the way out of the car when I hear Harper’s joyful squeal as she races over to me. I open my arms wide and catch her when she leaps at me. We hug each other until she wiggles to be set back on the ground.

“I missed you so much,” she says as follows me to the trunk.

“I missed you, too.” Her face looks a little filled in, closer to how it looked before her world imploded, and I find myself deeply grateful to Declan and Cillian. The fact that they got her into college right away is definitely helping her.

I follow her into the house and up to her room, dropping my bag in the corner. My eyes wander to the bed, and stomach bile rises in the back of my throat. It’s a king size bed, taunting me by its very existence.

“Are you hungry? I know it was a long drive.”

“Yeah, I could eat.”

“Cyrus is still here, are you okay if he joins us?”

“Totally fine by me.” The longer we aren’t alone, the longer I can wait to bring everything up.

We go down to the kitchen, and she preheats the oven for a frozen pizza. While we’re waiting to put it in, Cyrus comes down. His hair is pulled back in a man bun, and all his piercings are out of his face. Declan said he had to go down to Atlanta for family business, so maybe that’s why he looks nearly presentable .

“Will you be home tonight or are staying down there?” Harper asks him.

“I’ll come back after I’m done.”

His eyes look dull and a little haunted as he spends the next hour deflecting all of her questions. I can tell they’ve gotten comfortable with each other by the way they interact, even with his mind clearly elsewhere. Occasionally he’ll give her a look, and there’s clear affection shining in his eyes before he retreats back into himself.

After we’ve eaten and he leaves, she locks the door behind him and turns to me. I watch my gorgeous girl walk toward me, her eyes roaming over my body and intent clear in her eyes as she reaches me. My hands instinctively wrap around her back as she hooks her arms around my neck. She tries to kiss me, and at the last second, I turn my head giving her my cheek instead of my lips.

God, why am I like this?

Her body freezes, and she drops her arms. She tries to back out of my embrace, but I’m too scared to let her go and end up losing her. I can’t imagine life without her.

“Let me go,” she says quietly.

“No.” Tears prick my eyes.

“Then kiss me. ”

“I can’t.” My voice is nothing but a hoarse whisper at the confession.

She pushes my chest and pulls out of my embrace. “Why?” When I bring my eyes to meet her gaze, I see confusion and hurt swirling in their depths.

“Let’s sit down.” I pull her toward the couch in the living room.

“You’re scaring me.” But she comes anyway. She sits on the opposite side to me, and it feels like a chasm the size of the space between us opens in my heart. “Did you cheat on me?”

“No,” I answer decisively. “I would never do that to you.”

“Then why don’t you want to touch me?”

A lump forms in my throat as I battle my fear to find the words to explain myself to her. I’ve never been so scared. A tear rolls down her cheek, and it feels like a knife to my heart. I hate that I’m doing this to her.

I deserve whatever she decides to do. I’ve known this about myself for so long, I’ve just let her stay with me because I love her so damn much. I wish I could protect her from my truth.

“Am I not pretty enough or something? Do I not turn you on or something? ”

“No, no.” I scoot toward her, grabbing her hands and squeezing them. “You’re the most beautiful woman in the world.” It’s one thousand percent true. “I’m the problem, it’s all me. It’s never been you.”

“Okay,” her voice trails off as she stares into my eyes.

“I’m never turned on.”

A wrinkle creases her brow. “Are you gay?”

“No. I’m asexual.”

“What does that mean?”

Her head tilts to the side as I explain how it manifests for me. She takes in everything I say with no judgment, just curiosity. After I’m done, she blinks tears from her eyes and stands up.

“Excuse me for a few minutes?”

“Of course.” She can have as long as she needs to process what I just told her. She can have a thousand years, I’ll always be here for her. Unless she asks me to go.

After a few minutes I have to stand up and pace to get rid of this nervous energy. I cross the room to the windows and look into the backyard for the first time. They have a sparkling pool; lights shine from below the surface of the turquoise waters. The urge to jump in and sit at the bottom rides me hard, but I have to be here for her when she comes back.

I don’t know how much time passes when I hear her walk softly into the living room behind me.

“I have a few questions.” She looks composed now, but her eyes and nose are reddened.

“I’ll answer anything.” We both sit back down, and I turn on the lamp beside me.

“Have I been assaulting you all these years? With the kisses and touching you?”

“No.” I shake my head vehemently. “No. You didn’t know. I didn’t even know to be honest. It took reading so many books to figure out what these feelings were inside me. And kissing you, without tongue, doesn’t make me feel like crawling out of my skin.”

“Oh goodness.” She simultaneously laughs and sobs. “I don’t know how to take that.”

“I’m sorry, that came out so wrong.” Tears escape my eyes at having hurt her with my blunt honesty.

“Does it feel like that? The thought of having sex? It makes your skin crawl?”

“Yes.”

“It doesn’t for me. In fact, I want to crawl out of my skin when I’m not touched.” She stares over my shoulder as she loses herself in thought. “Where does that leave us?”

The fact that there’s even still an ‘us’ in her mind makes my chest explode. “I have an idea, but it’s unorthodox.”

She meets my eyes and nods for me to continue.

“I don’t want to lose you. I love you so much, I always have, and I always will.”

“So you love me but like a friend or sister?”

“No, not even close. I love you like my other half. You make my world feel whole. The love I have for you is beyond friendship and family. It’s infinite and woven inextricably in my existence. I can’t imagine a life without you as my partner.”

“I love you, too.” Tears fill her eyes. “But I think I need physical intimacy. Even though I haven’t had any experience yet.”

“I know. I’d never ask you not to seek that out. So, what if we stayed together in a nonsexual relationship, but opened it up on your end to explore that side of you?”

She flinches as if that’s the last thing she expected me to say. “You’d be okay with that?”

“Yes.”

“You wouldn’t get jealous? Because I don’t think I could have a strictly physical relationship with someone without becoming emotionally attached as well.”

“Harper, believe me, I’ve fully thought this through. As long as I have you as my partner, I don’t care about anything else. You could find a hundred other people, and as long as I still have you this way, I’m golden. You are all I want and need, and I know your heart is big enough for more than just me.”

“I need to think about this.”

“That’s fair. I completely understand.”

“Do you mind sleeping down here? I just need space to think.”

“Of course. I’ll do whatever you feel comfortable with.”