Chapter 49

Kimberly

I ’ve been living with the Gillihans for a week now. Despite my initial concerns, Yaroslav was right. The fresh air, rest, and lack of stress have done wonders for me. I’ve finally started to regain weight, so I am not as worried about the baby’s health now. Grace and Thomas’ five-year-old daughters are a delight and when they are home I adore spending time with them. It feels like a crash course in being a mom and I love every minute.

My friendship with Grace has been blossoming and we spend hours working together in her art studio or chatting about everything and anything. To my delight, she’s even offered me a job once all this has blown over. She’s fast becoming a close friend and confidant.

But with every passing day, my anxiety is starting to return.

While Grace and the girls have been wonderful at distracting me, I can’t help but long to be with Yaroslav again, to know what he’s thinking. I haven’t heard a word from him since he left. Despite his promises that he believes me, I can’t ignore the niggling seed of doubt that our fake reason for me being here might actually be true.

Does he think that if I stayed with him, I would have betrayed him to Sharkozi if I could? Does he feel the same way I do about him or does he merely see me as the vessel carrying the heir to the Volkov family?

Perhaps he told me what he thought I wanted to hear simply to keep me sweet when, in reality, the second the baby is born he plans to take them from me and get rid of me.

Every day I go without news the more worried I become.

I haven’t confided my fears to Grace, but she can tell something is wrong. “Penny for your thoughts,” she says as we’re sat drinking coffee on the porch.

I’ve been silent most of the morning. I keep getting confused or not answering right away when Grace speaks to me, so it’s hardly surprising she can tell I’m feeling off today.

“Do you miss Thomas when he’s gone?” I ask.

Since I’ve been here, I’ve barely seen Thomas Gillihan, he’s been busy working, and most nights he’s not even slept here. I wonder if a future with Yaroslav means the same thing, nights alone and long days of loneliness with only staff and children to keep me company.

She gives me one of her usual astute looks that suggests she knows exactly why I’m asking.

“Honestly? No,” she says bluntly, with a shake of her head.

I can’t hide the surprise on my face. “Why not? Don’t you get lonely?”

She considers my question, mulling over how best to respond. “I get lonely sometimes, yes, this lifestyle can be lonely, not knowing who to trust. But I have friends, my daughters, and a fulfilling life to keep me occupied. I don’t see much of Thomas even when he is here. In all honesty, my marriage with Thomas is a loveless one. It was arranged by our fathers when I was still quite young.”

My eyebrows shoot up in shock, although there’s a noticeable age gap between them, and Grace could be what some might describe as a trophy wife, it didn’t occur to me that their marriage wasn’t built on love. I didn’t imagine it being prearranged by her family.

I nod thoughtfully, not knowing what to say. I can’t imagine having to marry someone I don’t love.

As usual, it’s like Grace has read my mind. “Not that I want you to feel sorry for me, or that there isn’t any genuine affection in our marriage. Thomas and I care deeply for each other, and we’re happily married, we have two beautiful children and a life I adore. I’m sure it must be hard to understand, but I don’t have any regrets. I always grew up knowing that this was the situation. I’m luckier than some. Thomas isn’t violent and never does anything I don’t consent to, we have a deep respect and understanding for each other. We love each other, but no, we’re not in love,” she smiles a little sadly and I wonder if, despite her words, she wishes things were different.

“Is it… normal for husbands with careers like Thomas’ to be away a lot?” I ask, dancing around the question I really want to ask.

“You’re wondering if a relationship with Yaroslav will be the same,” Grace accurately points out.

I nod. Almost scared to hear the answer.

“No. I don’t. It’s clear you’re crazy about each other, even from the brief amount of time I’ve seen you interact. I think it’s killing Yaroslav to be away from you and the baby,” she states confidently.

“Why hasn’t he been in touch then? Do you know anything? It’s killing me not knowing what’s happening,” I say.

“It’s safer for you if he doesn’t contact you. But you need to realize that this is what life with Yaroslav might be like at times. You won’t ever have a normal relationship. Men like my husband and Yaroslav are very powerful, but that doesn’t come without a price. If being with him is what you want, you need to accept that,” she warns.

“I just wish things were simpler. It isn’t just myself I have to think about, my family, this baby, they’re all impacted by my decisions and relationship with Yaroslav. Am I selfish if I stay with him?” I ask, placing my hand on my stomach and wondering what kind of life I’m bringing my child into.

“I was born into this lifestyle, I don’t have a choice like you. I suppose the main thing you should ask yourself is, do you love him?” Grace asks seriously.

“Yes… I mean… I think I do?” I reply, uncertain now. “I know I care deeply for Yaroslav, that my heart races when I think of him, that our sex life is incredible and when I’m with him I feel alive. But is that love? I’ve never been in love before. How can I tell if that’s what I’m feeling?”

Grace contemplates this. “Ask yourself this, if you had to, could you walk away? Could you put Yaroslav behind you, move on, and be with someone else? Could you forget about him? Or most importantly, is the baby the only reason you’re considering a future with him? If the answer to all these is no, then it’s love.”

“What if he doesn’t love me back? He certainly doesn’t seem to trust me, and sometimes I feel like he hates me,” I reply in a small voice. I can’t believe I’m telling Grace all this, but it feels good to finally talk to someone about my feelings.

“If Yaroslav hated you, you wouldn’t be here, and he wouldn’t be doing his best to protect you and your grandmother. It’s very clear to me how strongly he cares for you. All you need to decide now is what’s best for you and your baby,” Grace instructs me.

“I just wish I could see him. It’s killing me not knowing what’s going on, how he’s feeling, how my gran is. I’m also worried about how David, Yaroslav’s brother, is handling all this. I don’t know how much you know about him, but he’s fragile and has grown quite dependent on me. With me gone again I’m afraid of how he’ll react,” I reply sadly. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be ungrateful, I really appreciate you letting me stay here, I just hate feeling so useless and out of the loop.”

Grace nods and gives my hand a gentle squeeze, “I understand, let me speak to Thomas and see what we can do.”

“Thank you,” I reply gratefully, feeling touched to have a friend looking out for me.

***

The next morning I’m awoken by the sounds of the twins giggling outside my door. The girls are full of energy and curiosity at only five years old. Although Grace has told them several times not to come into my room uninvited or wake me, they still inevitably try to find a loophole around this.

“Shh Lily, Mommy said to be quiet and not wake Kimmy!” Hope says in a comically loud stage whisper.

“Sorry, I just love playing with Kimmy so much. I hope she wakes up soon!” Lily theatrically whispers back, laying it on thick.

I roll my eyes but smile at their youthful cunning. I climb out of bed, opening the curtains to let in the sunlight, it’s still early around seven, but I feel refreshed after a restful night’s sleep. At the sounds of me moving around, I hear the twins scamper off down the corridor to their nearby room, their mission accomplished. I throw open the door which creaks as I do so, the twins’ signal that I’m up. They squeal in delight and come running toward my room, pretending as though they weren’t just outside of it, lest their mother catch them.

“You’re awake!” Lily exclaims in delight.

“Morning, Kimmy!” Hope adds.

“Good morning girls, is your mommy still in bed?”

They both nod enthusiastically, though I doubt they know for sure. Since I’ve been here Grace has been getting some peace in the mornings as I’m their current fascination. Not that I mind, helping Grace have some well-deserved alone time is the least I can do to say thank you.

“Shall we go downstairs and make some breakfast?” I ask them.

“Yes!” they declare in unison, taking one of my hands each and dragging me to the kitchen.

The girls regale me with stories the whole way through breakfast and I lap up the time with them, enjoying their childish innocence. Although the Gillihans are filthy rich, I admire how little Grace relies on outside help to raise her children and look after the household. Of course, they have cleaners and other members of staff, but Grace is a very hands-on mother. I want to be the same with my children.

Less than half an hour later, Grace joins us, looking effortlessly chic as always. “Morning Kimmy!” she says brightly before turning her attention to the twins. “Lily, Hope, what did we say about not waking Kimmy up early?”

“We didn’t!” Hope pouts.

“We were in our room when Miss Kimmy got up, we swear!” Lily backs her up.

They look to me for approval, and I smile, “Technically, they’re telling the truth,” I say to Grace with a shrug and a chuckle. The girls beam, happy to be my partners in crime.

Grace shakes her head but smiles indulgently, ruffling the girls’ hair and going to make a coffee. As it’s a Saturday, the girls are allowed a breakfast treat, today we make pancakes, creating an almighty mess. As has become our routine, we chat while the girls finish their breakfast and tell us all about their weeks at school.

I’m surprised when, a short while later, the doorbell rings. In my time here, I haven’t known the Gillihans to have any visitors. Grace, however, doesn’t seem surprised at all. Her eyes glint with anticipation as she smiles and gets up to go greet our mystery guest.

“Be right back!” she says.

A few moments later she returns with David in tow. “David! I exclaim, feeling overwhelmed with joy at his unexpected arrival, “It’s so good to see you!” I jump up, running over to hug him. As I pull away a worrying thought crosses my mind, “Is everything okay? Is Yaroslav alright?”

“It’s good to see you too, Kimmy! He’s fine, just busy. Mrs. Gillihan invited me over yesterday,” he replies with a grin.

My new friend’s thoughtfulness touches me. While she might not have been able to get Yaroslav here, at least I can see for myself that David is alright and hopefully get some answers on what’s been going on since I left.

“Thank you for coming all this way, and thank you for inviting him,” I turn my attention to Grace.

“It’s my pleasure,” Grace says before introducing the girls to David and offering him something to drink.

The twins are immediately fascinated by the newcomer and set about charming him. They bicker over who can sit beside him, eventually agreeing that he can sit in the middle. David appears to be in his element, patiently chatting to them and listening to what they have to say as though it is the most interesting conversation he’s ever had, rather than a discussion about Barbies. I watch him interact with the girls and think about what a great uncle he’s going to be. Where Yaroslav can be closed off, David wears his heart on his sleeve and loves easily. It warms my heart to know mine and Yaroslav’s child will have such a loving uncle to play with them and look after them.

After a short while longer, Grace eventually hurries the girls out of the kitchen. “Right girls, Kimmy and David have lots of catching up to do so we’re going to leave them to it.”

The girls pout and protest, seeming to border on tantrums before Grace tells them that they’re going to the zoo for the day and if they’re good, they can get ice cream on the way back. The temptation of such a coveted day out wins and the girls politely say goodbye and rush upstairs with Grace to get ready.

Now I’m alone with David, I can finally ask him some of the questions I’m dying to know the answer to. “So, how is everything at home?”

“It’s not the same, Yaroslav is snappy and distrustful of everyone, he’s always been a moody bastard but now it’s even worse,” he complains.

I don’t know how much Yaroslav has confided in David, so I don’t know what to ask next. There’s a spy in his organization, he might have kept David in the dark for his own safety. With David’s unpredictable mood swings, he might reveal secrets by mistake.

Thankfully I don’t have to figure out how to ask my next question, as David answers it for me. “Your grandmother is doing okay as far as we know. I don’t think she suspects a thing.”

“I hope so,” I reply feeling sick with worry.

The only saving grace of Amelia’s betrayal is that if Gran is only dealing with her and the doctors, the chances are she won’t suspect a thing. Although, she must be wondering where I am. What will they have told her? Or is she so far gone now that she doesn’t remember me at all?

“So, he told you about Gran?” I add.

David shakes his head, “No, I overheard him talking…”

I don’t know what to think that Yaroslav hasn’t told him the truth, is it to protect me?

“Has Yaroslav said much about me?” I ask hopefully.

David shakes his head sorrowfully and my heart drops. “He’s not really been talking much to anyone about anything. He’s being even more secretive than usual. I think that he believes there’s a traitor in the organization, why else would he act like this?” he says.

I don’t know what to say. If Yaroslav hasn’t confided in David, there must be a reason. Does Yaroslav think his own brother would betray him? Is that why he’s not told him? Or is it because Yaroslav truly does suspect my true motives and loyalty?

“Do you think there’s a traitor?” I ask.

“I think so,” he replies gravely.

“Who do you think it is?” I ask, hesitantly, feeling worried about what he might say, does he suspect me?

David looks at me earnestly. “There’s a rumor going around that it might be you and that’s why he sent you away,” he says, and my heart feels like it’s in my throat, “But I don’t believe it, I know you’d never betray us,” he hastily adds.

“Thank you for believing in me,” I reply, feeling conflicted. Technically, I am one of the moles, Sharkozi only released me to try to spy on Yaroslav, and I was willing to do it. I decide to trust David with a small part of the truth. “Promise you won’t tell anyone this?” I say.

He nods, “Of course, I wouldn’t betray you either.”

“That’s why they have my grandmother, they want me to spy but I couldn’t do it, that’s why I came here.”

“So Yaroslav knows?” he says, seeming to take my confession in his stride, clearly, he’d already put the pieces together and figured it out. David is a lot smarter and more perceptive than people give him credit for.

I nod, “But you can’t say anything.”

He mimes zipping his lips shut, locking them, and throwing away the key. I let out a giggle at how he can be his usual playful self, even when discussing such serious matters.

“I wish Yaroslav would trust me the way you do,” he says.

All of a sudden, he seems desperately forlorn, and I want to reach out and comfort him, I know exactly how he feels.

“Me too,” I reply with a sigh.