Chapter 40

40

Coach (Emmett)

Not today, Satan. Not. Fucking. Today.

He could rise out of the violence of the river and pull Bodhi into his clutches, but he could never claim him.

He couldn’t have what was mine.

The second I saw him slip off that railing and plummet into the misty darkness, it no longer mattered that Lance had died here first. It no longer mattered that my job and reputation were on the line.

I loved Bodhi Lawson, my Goldilocks, and I would live and die by that love.

Without an ounce of hesitation or internal debate, I leaped over that railing just as the night enclosed him. The river came fast, my feet breaking the surface and the rest of me dropping in like an anvil. The water was frigid, breathtakingly so, but I was conditioned to cold water and my body didn’t fight it.

I plunged into the dark water, the only light from the rise of bubbles and waves my body created.

The second I could, I took control, slicing my arms through the water, pushing toward a surface I could not see. I relied on instinct and pure skill, hoping my body knew the way to the top even if my eyes were currently blind.

My lungs were on fire when my head cleared, and I gasped in air, every breath stabbing needles of pain. The water was rough, the waves loud and tumbling. Unlike the pool, there was a strong current here, and I had to battle against it with every push of my arms.

“Bodhi!” I roared, blinking water from my eyes and struggling to see. “Goldilocks!”

A wave slammed into my face, making me sputter, and I dipped below the surface to avoid the worst of its assault. Under the water, I opened my eyes but could see nothing farther than my own hand.

The look on his face as he had fallen flashed behind my eyes, and I broke the surface again, screaming his name.

Whirling in a circle, I squinted through the misty fog drifting over the surface. The air here was just as cold as the water, the scent of damp earth and mildew permeating my nose. This river was rocky, the rushing water slamming into the stone obstacles like it dared them to stand in its way.

A tremor of fear came over me that he had hit one of those formidable rocks and was broken, bleeding, and unable to swim. Another vision of him smacking his head and sliding into the current only to be swept under and drowned assaulted me.

I gagged, the vision so abhorrent I couldn’t even swallow. I started swimming frantically. We only had so much time. I had to find him.

“Em-mett!” My name, as two syllables, carried over the tumultuous surface, reaching me in broken parts.

I let out a wail or perhaps a whimper, and if I’d been standing, I would have been brought to my knees.

“I’m here, Bodhi!” I roared, catching sight of something flailing about, water splashing as he thrashed. “Here!”

Through the dark and riotous water, our eyes connected for the briefest of seconds. And in that second, all was right with the world.

Almost as if Satan himself felt my palpable relief, he decided to rise and test me once more. A vicious wave knocked into Bodhi, and he disappeared from sight.

“No,” I croaked, cutting through the water, fighting tooth and nail against the current to get to where he’d just been.

He resurfaced farther downstream, sputtering and hacking but still alive.

Still alive.

“Keep swimming,” I called, changing direction, ignoring the exhaustion in my limbs. Swimming was my entire life, and now I would use it to save my future.

“I c-can’t,” he said, nothing but a pale head above the dirty, churned-up water.

“You can,” I demanded, gasping for breath. “I believe in you.”

He disappeared from the surface again but, this time, did not reappear.

And it was his absence that opened the door for my own trauma to pull me under.

“How much longer, Lance?” I spat, scrubbing a hand over my face.

My body was tired from a long practice and then a gym session, but really, my physical exhaustion had nothing on how exhausted my heart was.

“I don’t know.”

I bit down, teeth cutting into my lower lip. “We said when we came to Westbrook it would be different. That we would be.”

“I’m not sure I can do it,” Lance whispered.

My heart cracked. “Do what? Be with me?”

He shook his head. “Choose.”

“Choose between what?” I asked, trying—forever trying—to understand.

“Between you and the rest of my life.”

The words were an arrow that found its mark. Reducing me down to an either-or instead of an everything.

“You don’t have to choose,” I reiterated, wondering what I meant. Did it mean I’d stay in the closet for him? Or did it mean I’d let him go?

Lance swallowed, turning his face to the side. “I’m sorry I can’t make you happy, Emmett. I can’t seem to make anyone happy.”

My head cleared the surface of the water only to be pummeled by another wave, sweeping my body into a nearby rock. I barely felt the hit. My limbs were so cold that every part of me was numb…

“The body of a Westbrook University freshman was found on the edge of Lackawaxen River by a local fisherman early this morning. Authorities were notified, and the body has been identified. At this time, the identity of the student is being withheld until the family can be notified. Details will follow, as this is still an active investigation.”

It couldn’t be. It wasn’t.

Fumbling, I shoved my shaking hand into my sweats to pull out my phone and dial. It rang once and then went straight to voicemail.

“This is Lance. You know what to do.”

Grabbing my keys, I raced out of the dorm room, ignoring the calls from my teammate behind me. My brain was a jumbled mess of terror and optimism as I drove to the river where the body had been found.

The bridge was blocked off, caution tape fluttering in the wind. Red and blue lights flickered through the cloudy sky, and the sound of rushing water echoed from below. I parked on the edge of the road and ignored the officer who told me to get back in the car and leave.

A rough hand grabbed my shoulder, pulling me around.

Whatever he saw on my face made him recoil.

“Please,” I rasped. “Just let me look.”

The man nodded, removing his hold on my arm.

I ducked under the tape, my sneaker stepping onto the bridge. Everything looked normal, nothing out of place.

But I knew. I knew.

Unable to cry, I walked along the side, eyes gritty and ears deaf.

I didn’t know what I was looking for. Maybe nothing. Maybe proof. But the more I walked, the sicker I became, and I realized I didn’t need proof.

A pebble skidded across the pavement with the force of my stop, and I turned to the railing to look out over the river and the rocks and trees lining the edges. A sob caught in my throat, scraping over my vocal cords.

I still didn't cry.

Wrapping my hands around the railing, I stepped close enough to feel the cold metal through my clothes.

“Excuse me.” A woman wearing a uniform approached but knew enough not to get too close.

I didn’t look at or acknowledge her, just continued to stare.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“What happened?” I heard myself ask.

“I can’t discuss details of an ongoing ? —”

“I loved him.” I wet my lips. “Just tell me it wasn’t him.”

“What’s the name of the person you love?”

“Lance Black.”

She said nothing, but her silence was loud.

I leaned heavier into the railing, hanging my head over the top.

“Hey,” she called, alarmed and quickly stepping closer.

A single, lonely tear dripped from my eye but didn’t trail over my cheek. It fell right from my face down toward the river below.

“You need to go.” She tugged at my shoulder.

That was when I saw it. White fabric waving like a flag of surrender. I leaned farther over the rail, and the woman panicked.

“What is that?” I said, pointing.

She paused and then looked too.

Straightening, she spoke into the radio clipped to her shoulder. “We’ve got some potential evidence.”

I glanced back, but she pulled me away. “You need to go, or I’m putting you in cuffs.”

I turned and walked away, not bothering to tell her the “potential evidence” was Lance’s favorite hoodie. The one he’d been wearing the last time I’d seen him.

She’d figure it out soon enough.

Just as I’d figured out the reason my boyfriend wasn’t returning my calls was that his body was found in the river. Just as I’d figured out how he ended up down there.

He jumped.

Took his own life.

And the why?

Me.