45. Sam

My phone rings before I even leave my seat at the defense table.

Tilly. I swipe to answer, though I'm not really in the mood to handle her excitement. "Sammy! Greg texted me. Oh my god, I can't believe you!"

The guilt hits even harder at Tilly's excitement over my acquittal. I'm going free while my sister is now on the hook because of my poor decisions.

"Joshua did a really great job," I manage to say.

"I know! So when are you coming back? Ron's already planning a huge party for you. I say we just let the tequila flow and we just…forget all this shit."

I laugh, I can't help it. Hearing Tilly be so animated and relieved is a welcome change. Tilly had been a surly mess since the whole thing started, and I missed my rambunctious friend dearly.

"I'd love to. But I have to finish up with the other charges and want to wait until Clark is home with Penny."

Tilly blows a raspberry. "Fine. I'll wait but don't make me go find a new best friend. Everyone else around here is boring and basic."

"You better not," I say, my tone taking on an oddly serious turn. Thinking of Tilly hanging out with someone else is surprisingly hurtful, though it hasn't even happened yet.

"I won't. Who else would take the wrap for a murder I committed?" Tilly is laughing, but my face suddenly pales. When I don't say anything, Tilly scoffs, "Jeez Sam, it was a joke—"

I'm shaking my head, not ready to speak in front of so many people. The reporters were keeping a respectful distance for the trial, but I know they're dying to talk to me. Perched along the edge of the courtroom, I can already see a few of them zeroing in on me, drool dripping from their anxious jowls.

I start toward the bathroom, heading down the long hall full of people vying for my attention. I burst inside, panting as I do. Between breaths, I finally manage to respond. "It's fine, I just... Maybe I won't come back to Costa Rica until I know what's going on with Penny too."

Tilly sighs, a long, mournful sound coming all the way from Costa Rica. "Sam, I know this is a lot, but I don't think you guys need to protect each other so much anymore. I know your mom did a number on you, but it's okay now. Penny has Josh and her family, and you have Greg."

Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I see the conflict that I'm battling written in the crease of my brow. Everything I tried to keep from happening is now in motion. And there is nothing I can do about it. There's a sound at the door. Someone is coming inside. Not wanting to talk to anyone else, I scramble into a stall and sit on the toilet, my forehead in my hand. The bathroom is honestly better than most. Nice paneling along the bottom of the wall and bright white tiles underfoot. A far cry from most public restrooms, especially those at Ron's Surf Shack. But it makes me feel out of place and alone. Am I really getting worked up over the old dingy restrooms in Costa Rica?

"Sam?" Tilly asks over the phone.

"I'm here," I say, though my voice is a whisper.

"You did what you promised, and Penny wanted it this way. You're lucky you have her, Sam. I doubt my sister would help me with a parking ticket," Tilly admits. She's joking, but I also hear some of the pain in her voice. I don't know much about Tilly's family, but what I do know sounds awful.

"I have you too, Til. I couldn't have survived the last eight years without you." My own voice echoes off the bare walls, bouncing around me like some sort of dirty pinball machine. "You're my sister as much as Penny is."

With a laugh, Tilly said, "I know honey. So, you and Greg will come visit? Soon?" There's a brightness in her voice that wasn't there before, and even though she's laughing, I know how much my words mean to her.

I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I'm certain that it would be thrilling to venture into it without the constant worry of being accused of murder. For once I can envision a future where fear doesn't dominate my life. Spending my days surfing and returning home to Greg. I might not have any idea where I'll live, but I know it includes him. Nevertheless, I wasn't quite prepared to confess these feelings to my friend.

A sudden knock on my stall had my head whipping up. Judging by the nude heels under the door, I'm almost positive it's Penny. "Soon. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Okay, but don't let soon turn into never."

"I won't. Love you, babe."

As soon as I hang up, I open up the stall door to see my crying sister. I chuckle a little at the sight. There is so much guilt on Penny's face, and I know it has nothing to do with Kevin and everything to do with me.

Penny walks into the stall and closes the door behind her. Leaning against the thin metal panel, she stares at me. "I'm so sorry Sam. But I knew if I told you what I was doing you wouldn't let me go through with it."

Getting to my feet, I wrap her in a hug. "No, I'm sorry, this is my fault. I shouldn't have stayed away so long."

Penny shoves me away, her expression marred with frustration. "No! I won't listen to you blame yourself anymore. Dad leaves—it's your fault, Mom dies—it's your fault, your husband beats you—it's your fault, I shoot him—it's your fault. Just stop! None of this is on you Sam. I knew what I was doing, and you know what? I'm glad I did it!"

I'm shaking my head, but Penny grabs my shoulders. "I am! He was going to kill you! I wasn't going to lose you. I'm your big sister and I protected you."

The tears started to build, and all I could do was continue to shake my head. "No, Penny. You'll go to jail!"

To my surprise, Penny laughs. "I married a lawyer and he's so confident that I'll be okay that I actually believe him." Penny's hand rubs small circles on my back. "Was that Tilly?"

I nod, sniffling. Penny yanked some tissue from the toilet paper dispenser and handed it over. Blowing my nose, I admit that Tilly wants me to come back to Costa Rica. "So go! You're free, go live your life with that hunk and your friend," Penny says.

A small chuckle flitted from my lips at my sister calling my boyfriend a hunk. "I need to wait for the deal for all those other charges. Thanks for the perjury by the way."

"I didn't make you lie, Sam. I'm not taking credit for shit I didn't do anymore either. But as soon as you're free, go live your life. I know you'll come back when you can. I think you've proven that."

"I don't want to be apart from you, but Tilly…" I'm not quite sure how to explain the bond Tilly and I have formed without hurting Penny.

Reading between the lines, Penny smiles. "Maybe it's time for Tilly to face the music too. She told me a little bit about her… predicament. You should talk to her about it. I think she wants to come back. I know I'm living a pipe dream but having you both here… I'd really like that."

"You like Tilly?"

Penny recoils like I've slapped her. "Are you serious? Of course! I love that girl. She's so…"

"Fiery?" I offer.

Penny smiled broadly. "Exactly! She's the perfect little extrovert for you. I can almost picture her forcing you out to the clubs and making you laugh even while you're pouting."

It's the most perfect observation and I know that Penny gets it. She gets Tilly, and she gets me. I should have known she would, but I've been so distrusting of everyone that I really haven't given them enough credit.

And the idea of not needing to choose between my two favorite people is a welcome relief. Weekends with everyone, barbequing like a normal family, the image warmed my heart. Penny rubbed my shoulder. "There's the smile! Now let's go find your boyfriend before he kicks down the door." We both laugh as Penny unlocks the stall and head out of the bathroom.

While we make our way out of the courthouse, I watch my sister from the corner of my eyes. There is a joy in her face that had been absent before. Since Clark's health had started improving, so had Penny's. Every day, Penny's smile gets bigger and her expressions more vibrant. It's like watching a flower bloom right in front of me. Like color exploding to life in a field after a spring storm. It's fucking beautiful, and I'm amazed that I've been a part of making that happen.

Tilly is right; Penny doesn't need me to protect her anymore. The best gift I can give to my sister and my best friend is my own happiness, and for once in my life, that's in my own hands.