34. Ash

Chapter Thirty-Four

Ash

S omething moved around my tree and drew me out of a deep sleep. I sent my magic out around me to study the forest. A few other druses close to me were in their trees, either sleeping or awake, but the forest was quiet save for the movement of one lone deer. It stopped at the base of my tree and nibbled on the grass that pushed through the mulch. A moment later, Artemis appeared. Of course. “Ash?” she asked, touching the bark of my tree, and a shiver of magic ran down my spine. “Wake up.”

I didn’t want to talk to her. I had nothing to say to her—not only because I had no memories, but exactly for that reason. What would Artemis say? What would any of them say when they found out what had happened and what I’d done? “Come on, don’t leave me out here,” Artemis said. Her voice was gentle. “I just want to talk.”

I sighed and stepped out of my tree. I stretched until my spine popped before I leaned against the tree with my back, folding my arms over my chest. “I’m here,” I said. Artemis smiled at me and flicked her brown hair over her shoulder. “I was scared you’d written me off there.”

“Why would I do that?”

Artemis frowned. “Are you okay?”

“Of course I’m okay. Why shouldn’t I be?”

“The forest is riddled with strange magic,” Artemis said. “Everyone is up in arms because they’re not sure what it is.”

“I didn’t sense anything,” I said. It was my job to protect the forest from anything out of the ordinary, and nothing had seemed strange so far. Artemis’s frown deepened. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” I said. “I have no reason not to be.”

“Where’s Lorraine?”

“Who?”

Artemis’s concern turned into shock. Her eyes studied me, and I watched as she tried to put the pieces together of a puzzle I couldn’t even imagine myself. I guess that was what it meant when I lost all my memories. “Ash…” Artemis started. She looked like she searched for words and couldn’t find them. “What’s going on?” she finally said. “Where is she?”

“I really don’t know,” I said. She had to be referring to the human girl who’d come to me earlier. Was it earlier today… or a whole different lifetime? I didn’t know; I was still thick with sleep, and my magic felt a little sluggish. I wasn’t usually this groggy, but maybe that was what this whole new, bland life would be about for me. It was what I’d chosen, after all. A life without memories was a life without the pain, sure, but it was without excitement, too. Go fucking figure. “What did you do?” Artemis asked. She was alarmed now. “Who did you talk to? It’s you.”

“What’s me?” I asked. It was my turn to be confused. “You’re the reason the magic feels so weird. No wonder you can’t feel it. It’s like you’re wearing a veil.”

I scoffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Artemis reached out her hand to touch me, but I dropped my arms and bounded away from her. Her magic felt uncomfortable against my skin, prickly. I didn’t want her to touch me. “You’ve got Dolus all over you,” Artemis said in a low voice, her eyes widening. “What have you done?”

“I fixed it,” I said flatly. “Fixed what?!”

“My life,” I said. “I got rid of all the shit that hurt. The memories about… well, everything.” I didn’t have any of the memories to refer to when I told Artemis exactly what Dolus had done. The more I talked about it, the more it frustrated me. This whole thing was starting to feel like a pain in my ass rather than a good decision. Why couldn’t everyone else just carry on with their lives and let it go? Gods knew that was what I was trying to do. Artemis narrowed her eyes at me, trying to understand. I sighed, and I told her that I’d asked him to help me forget. “Why would you want to do that?” Artemis asked. She was horrified. “Because it fucking hurt,” I blurted out. “I can’t remember what it was, but I know that I was so sick and tired of the pain, and now it’s gone.”

That wasn’t entirely true. It had hurt when the girl had come to me to ask for help, and she’d walked away, upset with me. It had hurt when Dolus had betrayed me and not given me what I’d really asked for, but that one was on me. I hadn’t been specific enough, and I’d trusted the wrong guy. He was, after all, the god of deceit, and I hadn’t considered that it was all he was capable of. I’d been so serious about getting rid of my memories that I hadn’t considered the downside, which was… this. A bland life with only some memories, and the sickening feeling all the time that I was missing something. I could just puke. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Artemis asked. Disappointment mixed with her concern. “What was I supposed to tell you? That I was struggling? Everyone knew that, right?”

“Yeah, we knew,” Artemis said. “But you should have told me that you were serious about needing an out.”

“What would you have done?” I challenged. Artemis pursed her lips. Yeah, she knew she wouldn’t have done anything to help me. That was exactly the point, wasn’t it? I’d turned to other help because Artemis had already done enough. She’d… gods, those memories were gone too.

I knew she’d done something for me, but I didn’t know what it was. It had to have had something to do with my past, the memories I’d elected to forget. The more I thought about it and couldn’t quite grasp all my memories, the more irritated I became. This was a stupid idea. It had to have been a good idea because I wouldn’t have done this for nothing, but now it pissed me off and made me feel like an idiot that certain things I just couldn’t grasp. It felt like parts of my mind were blocked off. “You have to do something to change this,” Artemis said. I shook my head. “There’s nothing to do. I’m here, I’m doing my job, and that’s all that matters.”

I would have been somewhere else if Dolus had followed through the way he’d promised, but that wasn’t something I was willing to share. Artemis was already so damn disappointed in me; I didn’t need it to morph to pure anger. “This isn’t right, Ash,” Artemis said. “You’re not meant to live with this kind of magic clinging to you.”

“I still don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“We have to get rid of it.”

She threw her magic at me. I winced and tried to duck to avoid it, but I wasn’t fast enough—Artemis was pretty powerful, and she could pack a punch if she wanted to. The magic hit me, and when it did, it bounced off me, falling to the ground like a dead bird. Artemis and I both stared at each other. “What was that?” she asked in a hushed voice. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “That’s not supposed to happen.”

“Maybe don’t attack me again.”

“I wasn’t attacking you!” Artemis said. “I was trying to help you.”

I felt like I’d heard that before—Artemis had done something to help me, but it hadn’t worked, only feeling like an attack in the end. No, that wasn’t right. It was something else, but no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t remember. “This magic is blocking me from getting to you,” Artemis said. “It’s blocking you from this world, the magic, and the vale, and that’s not a good thing.”

“It’s not a bad thing,” I said. “It is if you’re meant to be a part of it. You can’t do what you’re supposed to do if you’re being held hostage like this.”

“Hostage?” I shook my head. “That’s not what this is. It’s just a spell that helped me get rid of my memories, nothing more. You’re being dramatic.”

“That’s not all this is,” Artemis said. “Dolus didn’t do what he said he would do.”

I snorted. “Yeah, well, I guess that’s what I get for believing in the god of deceit.” It pulled me up short when I realized that Artemis still didn’t know about me wanting to leave the vale. What was she talking about if she didn’t know? “He didn’t take away, Ash,” Artemis continued. “He added. His magic is on you and it’s blocking you from being who you’re meant to be. It’s stopping my magic; it’s wreaking havoc. You have to find a way to get rid of it.”

I shook my head. “I don’t have any reason to change what’s happened. I wanted this. I can’t remember the past, the reason for the pain, and that’s all I care about. I can sleep easy for the first time in centuries. I might not remember a lot, but I do remember that.”

“This isn’t right,” Artemis kept on. She became more and more frantic the more she said it. “It’s not supposed to be this way. Don’t you get it? Dolus is keeping you hostage. That means he has some kind of plan, and it doesn’t matter what it is. If you can’t remember, we can’t stop him.”

I shook my head.

Something about what Artemis said tugged lightly at me, but it was so vague that the feeling slipped away again almost immediately. It wasn’t that I didn’t care; I just didn’t feel anything at all. I was completely numb. “I’m going back to bed,” I said. “Ash, please,” Artemis tried again. “We need to fix this.”

“If it’s not broken, it doesn’t need fixing,” I said absently and turned toward my tree. “What if he ruins it all?” Artemis asked. “What if he takes everything you love away from you and you have no idea because he’s covered up your memories and your magic? Dolus is doing something, Ash. It’s who he is.”

I slipped into my tree without a response. Dolus could do whatever he wanted; it had nothing to do with me. I doubted I was part of some bigger plan. Dolus was just a jackass who’d managed to trick me into the life I’d thought I wanted by giving me a life that meant nothing at all. What was the alternative? The truth was that I just didn’t know. Before I fell asleep again, something tugged at me. It was the sense that something really was wrong. Something Artemis had said was true. I struggled to hold onto it, but before I could figure it out, it slipped away. I sent out my magic across the forest, looking for whatever could be wrong. I couldn’t find it. Well, that didn’t matter then. If there was nothing that would cause trouble and the forest was safe, then my job was done. What if he takes everything you love away from you and you have no idea? That wasn’t possible. As I slipped into sleep, something uneasy tugged at me. Saying that I would lose everything I loved suggested there was something I could lose. The girl’s face flashed before me, and my heart constricted.