12. Ash

Chapter Twelve

Ash

I was in trouble. Big fucking trouble. My life would have been perfect if I hadn’t met Lorraine—I would have been fine with going through with leaving it all behind. All I’d wanted for the past three centuries was to escape the hellhole my life had become when Ava had decided to leave me. Now, I wasn’t so sure it was what I wanted anymore. Sure, I still hated the fact that life went on forever for us, which meant pain did, too. The upside of that was that love could go on forever, too. Was what I felt for Lorraine really love? And if it was, was it something I was willing to make sacrifices for? I’d done that once before. I’d sacrificed my entire existence for Ava, giving up my immortality to live a life with her that would eventually come to an end. Rather a short life with her than an eternity alone, was what I’d thought back then. When she’d dumped me, and I’d gotten my immortal life back, thanks to Artemis… the eternity alone had sucked balls. Now, it didn’t feel so awful anymore. I was in love again. At least, as much as I would allow myself to be. The problem was she was human. Again. Fuck, I had a terrible pattern, one that was bound to bite me in the ass. The thing was, if I left the life I had here, then I wouldn’t see Lorraine ever again. Who the hell was I kidding? I wasn’t going to see her again either way—if she went back to her life on Earth, which she wanted to do, then we wouldn’t be together. End of story. The other option was me going to the human world and living as a mortal, but there was no fucking way I was risking that shit again. If I gave up my immortality another time and it turned out the same as it had with Ava, there was no way in hell Artemis would give me another chance. There were only so many Hail Mary passes that could be handed out to SOBs like me. Of course, if she stayed… No. That was impossible. Wasn’t it? “What’s on your mind?” a voice suddenly said next to me, and I jerked. Dolus appeared next to me with a broad smile that split his face in two. He wore all black, as he always did, but he seemed so much darker today than he usually did. “Did I scare you?” he asked. “I was just deep in thought,” I said. “Ah, pity,” Dolus answered. “Party trick?” I asked. Dolus laughed. “Appearing out of nowhere like that? Yeah. Makes kids shit themselves. The bogeyman is real, you know.”

“A lot of monsters are real,” I said. Dolus laughed as if that was funny as fuck, but I didn’t think it was. There were monsters like us who liked to look for shit on All Hallows’ Eve, but the rest of the time we stayed out of the way and did our jobs. Then there were monsters like the men who’d been after Lorraine, who’d been ready to kill her, or worse. I still didn’t know who’d helped them, who’d given them magic so that they could put up a better fight against me and find Lorraine when I’d hidden her with magic. After I’d killed them, there had been no trace of magic leading me back to its source, and there had been no more attempts to find her. All of it felt wrong. “Penny for your thoughts?” Dolus asked. I shrugged. “I have a lot on my mind.”

“Tell me,” Dolus said.

“I hardly have anything on mine these days.” He chuckled as if it was funny. Everything was just fucking funny today, wasn’t it? “Have you ever heard of humans living here with us?” I asked. Dolus frowned. “You mean, not on Earth as mortals?”

I nodded. “Well, I guess that must have happened at some point. That’s where the half-breeds come from, after all.”

“I thought the gods just went to Earth for that.”

Half-breeds were a mixture of humans and gods, when gods slept with humans and children were born of them. Usually, the half-breeds lived with us or somewhere in the godly realm, but I didn’t know if full humans could, too. “The rules get murky when sex and love get in the mix,” Dolus said. “It’s always like that—love erases all the boundaries.”

“Hmm,” I said. “Not without the shit it adds to our lives, though,” Dolus added. We walked in silence for a moment. The mulch in the forest was dry underfoot—it hadn’t rained in a while. The trees were alive all around me, leaves rustling in the wind, and the sun fell through the canopy of leaves, creating dappled spots of sunshine on the ground. “Why do you ask these questions?” Dolus asked. “No reason.”

“It’s that human, isn’t it?” Dolus asked. “I knew she would become a weakness.”

“Is love a weakness?”

“Do you love her?”

I hesitated. I didn’t know what to say to that. Did I love her? I couldn’t say yes because I didn’t know if I would take it that far. I couldn’t say no, though, either. “Look, if you’re having second thoughts about this transition, you should tell me,” Dolus said. “What happens if I do?”

“Then I don’t try to make a way for you.”

I waited for something to follow, but Dolus stayed silent. “That’s it?” I asked. “I can change my mind?”

“Nothing’s set in stone until it’s… set in stone.” He laughed at his stupid line. “You won’t be pissed?”

Dolus shrugged, and I couldn’t read the expression that flickered across his face. “What does it take to get a human to live here?—”

“Look, if you don’t want to give up who you are, that’s on you. I mean, we all get to choose, right? But don’t ask me to help you with one thing and then change your order. I’m not here for you to fuck around.”

I pursed my lips. Right. Dolus wouldn’t be pissed if I decided that I didn’t want to go somewhere else, change my magic, and what my role in life was, but he would be angry if I asked him for another favor. All of it seemed too good to be true. Dolus was a pain in the ass, and I knew he had a short temper. He wasn’t one of the good gods, after all. He was known as a god who caused shit. How good could you be if your sole purpose in life was deceit? “You better make up your mind soon,” Dolus said. “Before you put things in motion that can’t be undone.”

“I’ll let you know,” I said, nodding. “Yeah, I’m sure you will. All Hallows’ Eve, that’s the cut-off, you hear?”

I nodded. That seemed like a realistic date. That was when everything with Lorraine would come to a point, anyway. Two weeks made sense to decide. In some ways, it wasn’t any time at all. In others, it was an eternity. “If I don’t—” I started, but I cut myself short when I realized Dolus was already gone. I was relieved he’d been nice about it. I’d been worried that if I changed my mind, he would get pissed off at me. And you really don’t want a god mad at you. He’d seemed okay about the idea of giving up what I’d meant to do. Then again… it was tough to read Dolus, and his reaction hadn’t exactly been great.

It had been nonchalant. At least, it had seemed that way, but the more I thought about it, the more my stomach twisted in a knot and I felt sick. Something was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but something just didn’t feel right. “Hey,” Rowan said, and I jumped. “Shit,” I cried out. “Sneak up on a man, why don’t you?”

“I called you three times, asshole,” Rowan said. “Not my problem if you didn’t hear it.”

I shook my head. “Fine. What’s up?”

“What’s up with you?” Rowan asked, throwing the question back on me. “You’re never this jumpy.”

“I…” I glanced around, looking for Dolus, but he was definitely gone. I didn’t want to tell Rowan that I’d been talking to him. Rowan was already against me working with Dolus, even though Rowan had been the one to suggest that I find someone who could help me. Of course, he hadn’t had the god of deceit in mind. “I just have a lot on my mind,” I said. “Yeah? Women?”

I laughed. “Woman. Singular.”

“Right, right,” Rowan said. “So, I’m assuming it’s all good in paradise?”

“I don’t know,” I answered. Rowan frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Well… I don’t know if I want to do this.”

“Do what?”

“All of it,” I said with a sigh. “I want to be with her.”

Rowan blinked at me. “What?” I asked. “I never thought I’d hear you say something like that about a woman again. Gods, it’s been three centuries, Ash. You’ve never wanted to look at a woman twice, let alone be with one. Lorraine must really be something.”

I sighed. “Yeah, she is.”

“Don’t sound so dejected about it,” Rowan laughed. “I just don’t know if she really is that great,” I said. “I mean, I think she is. But I thought Ava was great too, and look how that turned out. I’m not so sure I can trust my judgment.”

Rowan shook his head. “The heart chooses who it wants to love, and it has nothing to do with judgment. You know it works that way, even for us. It’s the one thing we all have in common: the gods, us, and the humans. We fall in love the same way; we hurt the same way.”

I nodded. I didn’t know why it was like that. Why were we cursed to love the way the humans did if it hurt so fucking much? Maybe that was why the humans and the gods had this weird dance they always engaged in—love was the one thing they saw eye to eye on, and as long as there was one thing in common…

“I won’t give up my immortality for her,” I said. “No one asked you to,” Rowan said carefully. “Unless it’s what you had in mind.”

I shook my head. “I just said I wouldn’t. Which means the only other way is for her to stay here with me.”

Rowan frowned. “She can’t do that; you know how it works. She’ll never survive here long-term.”

“She’s doing okay now.”

“Because she’s bound to you, Ash,” Rowan said. “If she weren’t, the magic would tear her apart. You know that.”

Shit, he was right. I hadn’t known it outright, but it made sense. It was why the humans didn’t stay, so the gods had to go to them instead. “Fuck,” I cursed. “You’re really serious about this,” Rowan said. “I wish I wasn’t,” I said grimly. “I wish I was just back where I started, without all this bullshit and drama.”

“You were way worse off then,” Rowan pointed out. He was right. I’d been way worse off when I’d been miserable and depressed, and my heart had been broken. The thing was, I had to make a choice. I’d done the stupid thing where I’d fallen in love with a human again, and the only two options were giving up my immortality or losing her forever.

It was a pretty shit catch-22, and I wasn’t ready for shit like that. I wasn’t ready at all.