Chapter 29

Prism

I tookthe AirPods out of my ears. Arsen’s video had long since gone quiet, and I had no phone to connect them to. Keeping them in seemed like a reminder of the shit I didn’t have right now. Shit I really wanted.

I’m going to have to learn to live without him.

Not relearn because there was no going back to how it was before. My life was permanently divided into three parts.

Life before Arsen.

With him.

Without.

Yeah, that part in the middle was so brief it barely registered on the clock of life, which just gave irrefutable proof that the heart had its own way of measuring time.

Elite pulled up to the townhouse, all our cars practically creating a parade. It felt more like a funeral procession, but I kept that dark thought to myself because it was grim as hell. And because they’d shown up for me.

Every single one of them. Even Coach.

I wouldn’t throw that kind of loyalty and friendship in their faces by telling them I felt like this was some sort of death.

The bros who lived next door pulled into their driveway, and everyone else lined the street. Except Rush. He wasn’t about to park his precious baby at a curb. For shame. He pulled in the driveway behind Win and Lars.

I sat in the back seat of Kruger’s Audi even after he turned off the engine. I was in no hurry to get out. In no hurry to get on with learning how to live without Arsen.

Yeah, he asked me to give him an hour.

Please don’t give up on me.

His words stuttered my heart. Made my insides weep. It was likely impossible for me to give up on him, but on myself? Easy.

I knew as soon as he stepped into the police station with the senator and their barracuda of a lawyer that things would change. I was no match for them. Of course he would be influenced by his own father. I couldn’t even blame him for it. Hell, here I was, fourteen years later, still living under the influence of mine.

In some ways, it would have been easier if Arsen believed I was the one who tried to set him up. It would have made our breakup easier to swallow. But having him kiss me, calm me, whisper that he believed me would only make him choosing his father that much worse.

“I’ll go unlock the door,” Jess said, pulling me from my thoughts.

From the shadows of the back seat, I stared out the window, noting how our friends waited at the front door to be let inside. Even the bros who lived next door had gone to our place instead of theirs.

I wasn’t sure how that made me feel. There were too many emotions swirling inside me to pick one. I was like a vat of alphabet soup, so many letters with infinite ways to arrange them.

Instead of getting out of the sports car, Jess rotated, popping her head between the front seats to find me with her brown eyes. “Should I come back there and hug you?”

“Woman, if you climb into the back seat of my car with any man but me, there will be hell to pay.”

“He’s my brother,” she sassed.

“I forbid it.”

“I forbid it,” she mocked.

“You guys fit back here?” I wondered.

Kruger made a smug sound. “You’d be surprised the places you can fit when motivated.”

Jess gasped. “Ben!”

I cringed. “That’s my sister you’re talking about.”

“You asked.” He defended himself. He wasn’t ashamed.

I thought of the times I’d sat in Arsen’s lap in the front seat of the Mercedes. How we never got to break in the back seat.

Jess’s arm pushed into my space, her fingers wiggling to get my attention. I took her hand because brothers don’t leave their sisters hanging.

“He’ll be here,” she said, catching me off guard.

“What?”

“Arsen. He’ll be here as soon as he can.”

I shook my head. “We can’t be together.”

“Do you want to be?”

Again, she caught me by surprise. I expected a denial. An agreement. Not a question.

“Does it matter?”

“It matters more than anything else,” she answered.

I said nothing.

“I’ll go let everyone in,” she said, withdrawing her hand and leaving me with my brother to go let the fam into the house.

“Want me to kick them all out?” Kruger asked, watching them all file inside.

Yes. “No,” I replied. “I owe them an explanation. And an apology.”

“You don’t owe anyone jack shit.”

I half smiled. “Maybe not. But I want to tell them. It’s time.” And I was already vulnerable, so just getting it over with all at once seemed like the better option.

We got out of the car, the sound of the doors slamming echoing along the dark street. The row of townhouses was illuminated by streetlights, creating pockets of light over patches of green grass, concrete sidewalks, and the blacktop covering the roadway.

Despite all the units, the night was quiet, most windows darkened because the day had been put to bed. The simple thought created a sinking feeling and made my feet heavy. I looked up at my dark bedroom window, thinking of the bed beyond it with its soft sheets and pink blanket. It seemed unfair that after sleeping with him for only one night—Fine, it was two. I was now counting the jail sleepover. I had to take what I could get—I would now suffer so many sleepless ones because I wouldn’t be in his arms.

Did everyone get this attached so fast? So dependent? Or was that just another of my faults?

An intrusive thought bulldozed all others, making my mind do a U-turn. I never got to see all his tattoos. Our first time, I’d been exploring him, tracing the ink with my finger, and he’d asked if I wanted to see the others. I’d said no because I’d been too impatient to have him, and now I would never see them. I would never know what they were or be able to trace the designs.

“P.”

I snapped out of my head, attention flying to my brother.

“It’s okay if you want to be with him.”

“You know I can’t do that,” I said, the words ripping out of me from a deep, painful place, so hurtful I couldn’t even pretend Kruger was wrong.

“I know why you think that. Why you feel it. But I also know he’d move the earth if you gave him the chance.”

“I thought you didn’t like him,” I snapped.

“But you love him.”

I sucked in a breath.

“Not everyone is like them.” Ben persisted. He was a ruthless bastard when he wanted to be. “Some people will love you back.”

Oh, that hurt. It hurt so much I let out a low whine as my chest caved in. That was it, wasn’t it? Not only did they lock me up, abuse me mentally and physically, revoke my name… but they didn’t love me.

I loved them.

In spite of all the shit they did, I tried. I tried to be the good boy they wanted. A good boy worthy of love. I wasn’t enough.

In the end, my love was paltry and never once returned.

I couldn’t tell you which of these things broke me more. But growing up in the dark, lacking light and love? It stunted my growth, forever freezing a piece of me as the small, helpless boy that no one could love.

So yeah, it was nearly impossible to believe what Ben said.

“You, Jess, and Gram are different,” I whispered, voice wet.

He thumbed over his shoulder toward the front door. “I got a whole house full of people about to prove you wrong.”

I hesitated.

“Give them a chance, P.”

I was weary. Too worn out to argue and fight. Perhaps I was numb. Or resigned. Either way, I would do what he said.

He held open the door, and I went inside ahead of him. Elite was crowded on the large sectional, a muted, bad made-for-TV movie flickering on the screen. A lamp glowed in the corner, and the blinds were drawn over the front windows.

When I walked in, everyone looked up, but no one said a word. They heard everything at the police station, knew about my father and how I’d been disowned. But what they still didn’t know was why.

“I have misophonia,” I said, standing off to the side, away from the couch. “It’s a brain disorder where certain sounds can trigger an uncommon extreme reaction. Like a fight-or-flight response. I get angry, panicked, and irrationally annoyed. It’s why I always wear these,” I said, pulling the AirPods out of my pocket and holding them up. “They help block out some of the noise and keep me calm. I have tinnitus too, which is ringing in the ears. It’s pretty much constant, but sometimes it’s worse than others.” Like right now. “For someone so averse to sound, it can also be rough.”

The words left me feeling hollowed out and exposed. Though it was just a short explanation and a measly description of what I lived every minute of every day, I felt like I’d been talking for hours, and my battery was drained. Still, I persisted, wanting to get all of it out. Better now than to do this again and again.

“I’m sorry I never told you. It’s hard to talk about, and I didn’t want anyone to know. My entire life has revolved around what’s wrong with me. How to control it. How to hide it. Being rejected because of it.”

“You mean by your parents?” Landry asked, voice subdued.

Did I ever mention she has a nice voice? Even and calm.

I nodded. “When I was small, misophonia wasn’t really a diagnosis, so to everyone, I was just an aggressive problem child. My father refused to have me tested for autism, saying that was just a way to excuse bad behavior. He, ah, told me I was a disappointment and tried to punish it out of me. In kindergarten, the school administration moved me into special education classes, and it basically sent him through the roof. He told me I was an embarrassment, a liability, and he wished I’d never been born.” It didn’t even matter that they soon realized I didn’t fit into those classes either. I didn’t fit anywhere. Not even at home.

Oomph. The air was knocked out of me when something heavy and wide thumped into me. I blinked, squished against a broad chest.

“We love you, bro,” Jamie said, his voice right beside my ear. “It’s embarrassing to admit, but I never registered to vote. But I sure as shit am now because I’m gonna vote against that abomination every opportunity I get.”

A half laugh, half groan burst out of me. “What?”

“Also, I’m sorry I chew so much. That probably hurts your head.” He patted the back of my head like he was apologizing to it too.

His chewing did make me crazy, but I’d never tell him that. Instead, I laughed, tears blurring my vision. “It’s not you, bro. It’s me,” I told him.

His arms tightened, and it made me realize he was still hugging me. Like really hugging me in front of everyone. Even after I told him everything. “None of this is your fault,” he told me, so sincere.

“He’s right,” Madison said, adding her arms to the hug.

Jamie, Rory, and Wes piled on. Soon, I was the middle of a giant Elite sandwich.

Coach’s whistle filled the room. “Back off! Oxygen is only optional in the pool. Let him breathe!”

Everyone backed off, but then Coach moved in to hug me too. “Greedy mouth breathers,” he muttered, patting my back. “You ever need anything, you come to me, son. I mean it.”

I bobbed my head, too overwhelmed to speak. I wondered what Coach would say if he knew he was the only man to ever call me son.

“I get why you didn’t tell us,” Ryan said, stepping forward when Coach stepped back. “But I’m glad you finally did.” His face darkened. “Even the choice was taken from you by a dick.”

“A very small dick,” Win put in.

“I’m glad because now we can tell you we support you.” Ryan continued. “We like you for who you are, disabilities included.”

“We’re your friends no matter what,” Wes added.

“Really?” I asked, overwhelmed by the absolute support. It was a good thing, something I hadn’t let myself hope for, especially everything that happened at the station. But even being good, it was still a lot to process, and I could literally feel the tug-of-war going on in my head between remaining present and disassociating.

“Bro, sure.” Jamie agreed. “Lars is probably hella relieved he isn’t the only one with an allergy around here now.”

Lars made a face. “I’m not?”

“Yeah, bro. You’re allergic to nuts, and Prism’s allergic to noise.”

“He’s not allergic to noise, dumbass,” Max retorted.

“I guess I kinda am,” I heard myself say, grateful Jamie was trying to understand. “But you guys don’t, ah, think I’m a liability to Elite?”

“If anyone is a liability to Elite, it’s Rush,” Coach announced.

“Dad!” Landry gasped.

Rush made a rude sound. “A guy gets arrested for murder one time…”

“You guys really don’t care?” I asked, emotion clogging my throat.

“We do care,” Lars said. “About you. Because you’re our friend.”

“You don’t have to hide parts of yourself from us,” Landry added. “We’ll love them all.”

Kruger patted me on the back. “Not to be a know-it-all all or anything, but I told you, P. I told you Elite fam is for life, and you’re part of it.”

Jess looped her arms around my waist. “We love you.”

I kissed the top of her head and glanced around at my friends. At the people who accepted me without any kind of hesitation. All this time, I’d been afraid to let them too close because having them at arm’s length was better than nothing at all.

I was wrong. Having them as family was the best.

Don’t tell Kruger he was right. He’s already audacious enough.

I went to grab my phone, but then I realized I didn’t have it. It was trapped in Arsen’s wagon. I made a mental note to send the group chat a smiley face whenever I got it back.

There was a knock on the front door, and my heart jumped into my throat. I turned, staring at the thick wood, anticipating who was on the other side. He said he would come. That he wouldn’t let me go.

Could it really be him?

Kruger gave me another I told you so look, and butterflies erupted beneath my ribs.

“It’s for me,” Rory announced, looking at her phone and starting across the room.

The butterflies in my belly dropped dead, their wings wilting faster than flowers in extreme heat. It was my turn to give Kruger an I told you so look.

He wasn’t impressed. Guess he didn’t like the taste of humble pie.

Ryan snatched Rory back into his chest. “You better have a damn good reason why someone would be knocking on the door for you this late at night.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s Kevin.”

Ryan growled. “Excuse me?”

Jamie stood from the couch. “I got this,” he said, moving to the door. Max and Win fell into step behind him.

“I don’t need you to get this,” Ryan asserted, letting go of his girlfriend and skating around the guys to beat them to the door and yank it open. “Who’s the asshole brave enough to come around here for another man’s girl?”

“You done did it now, Kevin,” Jamie called. “You pissed off the alpha.”

“Is this how you all behave when you aren’t at the pool?” Coach muttered. “I knew it was bad, but this is an abomination.”

“U-uh, hi. I have a delivery for Rory,” a voice stuttered from the front porch. Poor Kevin. “I-I don’t know if that’s a girl or a boy.”

“Ooh, pizza!” Jamie exclaimed. “Out of the way, bro. I’m about to get my eat on!” Jamie’s large frame pushed around Ryan to go outside with Kevin.

“There’s a brownie pizza too!” Jamie’s exclamation filtered inside.

“You have to share!” Madison and Rory yelled at the same time.

He came inside, juggling a stack of boxes with a drink holder on top, and had a slice of pizza dangling from his mouth. He handed the bounty over to Ryan and tore a bite off the slice before turning back to Kevin.

“Thanks for the dough, Kevin. You aren’t getting a tip because you tried to check out my sister.” Then he slammed the door in the delivery man’s face.

“Oh my God, Jamie! I ordered pizza, not a date,” Rory exclaimed.

“You should spank her, Ry. She did that shit on purpose,” Jamie said, smacking his lips as he chewed.

My eyelid started twitching again.

“You have to tip the delivery guy,” Landry ordered. “Next time, he’ll spit in our food.” When no one reacted, she turned to Coach. “Dad,”

Coach sighed and went to the door. “Hey, kid,” he called as he went outside to hopefully give him a decent tip.

Ryan handed off all the boxes to Win and then turned to Rory. She let out a squeak. He caught her around the waist and dumped her over his shoulder like she weighed nothing and stalked out of the room toward the kitchen.

“Jamie!” Rory called.

“You deserve it,” he called back.

Win set the haul on the coffee table and glanced toward the kitchen. “I think we should just eat with our hands.”

Madison grabbed a white paper cup out of the beverage carrier and brought it over to me. “Thought you might want a fresh trauma latte.”

“Thank you,” I said, accepting the gift. The heat of the drink seeped into my palm, offering small comfort.

Coach came back inside, muttering beneath his breath. He saw me and Madison staring and glowered. “I’m too old for this shit.”

“You aren’t that old, Coach,” I said.

“You can’t be more than, what, forty-five?” Madison guessed.

“I’m barely thirty-nine,” he grumped.

“Come get some pizza, Coach,” Rush called.

“Fraternizing with you mermaids when it ain’t pool hours is not in my job description.”

“Then hang as our friend,” Lars said.

Coach choked. “No.”

“What did you just say to him?” Win glowered, shoulders hiking up. No one told Lars no. No one.

Coach glanced at Lars, likely noting the embarrassment in his pale eyes. Lars was kinda shy, so Coach rebuffing him like that probably made him feel bad.

“There has to be some coach-swimmer boundaries,” Coach told him. “But thanks for the invite.”

Win seemed pacified, and Lars nodded.

Turning to me, he said, “Are you okay? Do you need to talk?”

I shook my head. I’d said everything I needed to say. Way more than I wanted.

“You sure?”

I nodded. “Thank you for coming to the station. I appreciate it. I know that’s not in your job description either.”

He grunted. “Yeah, well, some boundaries have to be stepped over. You need anything, you know where to find me.”

I nodded again. My brain was getting foggy. My already critical battery was starting to fail.

Coach called a goodbye to Landry and then slipped out the front.

Ryan and Rory came back from the kitchen, Rory’s cheeks almost as red as her hair. A satisfied glint shone in Ryan’s eyes, and his lips were looking used.

A wave of nausea rolled over me, only to be washed away by an overbearing wave of homesickness. I didn’t know you could be homesick for a person, but it was far worse than homesick for a place.

“P! Get over here and get some pizza,” Kruger called.

Ryan and Rory were already eating, and I took a sip of the caramel latte to try and fortify myself. “Actually, ah, I think I’m gonna shower.”

“It’s my chewing, isn’t it?” Jamie bemoaned.

“It’s your face,” Max retorted.

“I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

“Did you learn that in first grade?” Landry asked.

Jamie grinned. He had pepperoni in his teeth. “From Kruger. So same difference.”

Kruger gave him the finger. Times two.

I didn’t even have the energy to be amused. “Ah, no, just want to wash off the jail vibes,” I told the room.

“We’ll save you some,” Wes called.

I nodded, not bothering to tell them that once I shut myself in my room, I wasn’t coming out until tomorrow.

I noted Wes still watching me, and I realized I wasn’t done talking tonight. I gestured for him to follow and then cut my eyes to Lars.

Dropping his slice, Wes stood. “I need a soda. Lars, you want a coffee?”

“Rory got me one,” Lars said, holding up the cup.

“How about a shot of espresso to go with it?”

Lars glanced at me, and realization dawned in his crystal eyes. “I will never say no to espresso.”

“I’ll get it for you, angel.” Win started to stand.

Max slapped his hand on his shoulder and pushed him down. “Let him get his own.”

I exchanged a brief glance with Max, and more homesickness tossed itself up the back of my throat. I swallowed some coffee, trying to push it back down.

I guess he did represent my type. And that meant whenever I looked at him now, I would want Arsen.

I went into the kitchen, Wes and Lars trailing along behind me. On the counter was a Nespresso machine that the bros next door gave us as a housewarming gift. It was the same kind they had at their place. It brewed shots of espresso and cups of coffee depending on the pod you put in.

I gestured to it and the basket of pods beside it. “I don’t know how to use this yet,” I told Lars, sheepish.

I still used the familiar coffeemaker Kruger and I had used back in the dorm.

Lars had a shot of espresso brewing before I could even work up the nerve to speak.

“Is everything okay?” Wes asked over the steady shot pouring into a cup.

“I just wanted to thank you,” I said, meeting his stare.

His eyes widened with surprise. “Me?”

I nodded. “Yeah. When you came out to the team last semester, I never said anything, but it really meant something to me,” I confessed. “I knew you didn’t really want to. I could tell you were scared. But you did it. Even if it wasn’t all your choice, you still owned it. I really admire that. I—” I shifted, glancing down at the countertop. “It gave me hope. Seeing the team mostly accept you. In a way, it made me feel strong, which is something I, ah, don’t often feel.”

Wes shuffled, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. Astonishment and maybe even a little bit of shyness reflected in his eyes.

“I just wanted you to know that. That even though I didn’t say anything then, what you did made a difference to me. It made me a little more comfortable in my own skin.”

“Can I hug you?” Wes whispered.

His whisper wasn’t nearly as intoxicating as Arsen’s.

I nodded.

Wes plowed into me, his arms going around my shoulders, hands slapping my back. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I lifted my arms, awkwardly hugging back.

“It’s hard to be yourself sometimes,” he told me. “And if I made that easier for you in even a small way, then I’m glad.”

I dropped my arms, clearing my throat. Wes gave me one last squeeze and pulled back.

I turned to Lars who was standing there awkwardly like he wasn’t sure he should be there. I took the cup from his hand and set it on the stone countertop and then hugged him too. Honestly, doing it cost me more of the dwindling energy I clung to, but it was worth it.

“Same for you,” I said, pulling back. “You literally flew into town and announced you were gay to all of us without fear.”

“I wouldn’t say it was without fear,” he said, his accent a little thicker than usual.

“It gave me confidence too,” I said. “Seeing all of them accept you.”

I glanced between them. “I just wanted to say that.”

Wes smiled. “We gay bros got to stick together.”

Lars laughed.

“I’m glad you guys got your happy ending,” I told them, pain pinching my heart.

“You will too,” Wes said.

I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

“Hey, if I managed an HEA with my stalkery pseudo brother who I thought was straight,” Wes mused, then pointed to Lars, “and he managed to get my commitment-phobe brother to fall in love, then I’d say there is definitely hope for you.”

Lars nodded. “I’ve seen the way Arsen looks at you. He’s definitely in love.”

“Well, I better go shower,” I said, backing out of the kitchen toward the stairs. “Jail is not a good look.”

If they knew I was avoiding, they didn’t call me out.

They went back to pizza, and I slipped up the stairs. The second my bedroom door was shut, I slid down the wood until I was sitting in the darkened space. I took several sips of coffee, hoping the sugar would help with my crash.

The trembles came quickly. Dizziness spun the room, and the laughter echoing up the stairs made me feel isolated and alone. I couldn’t even be relieved that all my secrets were out and the burden of truth was lifted. It had cost so much, and now my body was hyperactive while the rest of me was vacant.

I wanted Arsen. Needed him more than air.

I guess learning to live with Arsen’s absence starts now.