Chapter 11

Prism

There isnothing quite like the silence of water. It’s also a little ironic to be submerged in something a thousand times denser than air yet still feel light.

Because water is so dense, sound actually travels four times faster through the waves. So, bro, how is it so much quieter below the surface? Most sound just bounces right off and doesn’t penetrate the waves, so being underwater is like being surrounded by a shield.

Probably why I loved swimming from the very first time I jumped into a pool. Another fun fact? The speed of sound decreases with temperature, so swimming in such chilly water, as we Elite do, helps muffle the noise even more.

Mine is the slowest stroke in swimming, and many consider it the easiest. Bro, nothing in my life has ever felt easy, including breaststroke, but to each their own I suppose. Here are my facts: Breaststroke is the most technical because it depends on rhythm, timing, and technique. It requires coordination and a symmetrical action between the upper and lower limbs.

Breaststroke gets less glory than, say, freestyle and butterfly, but I don’t mind. Being in the spotlight is not what I want. I just want to swim and enjoy the barrier the water creates between me and the rest of the world.

Here, I can concentrate wholly on pull, breathe, kick, glide. When I focus on that, everything else just falls away and I know peace. The physical exertion from a good swim lingers even out of the water, and for a while, that peace accompanies on to dry land. Some days it lasts longer than others, but hey, something is better than nothing.

So yeah, even though our swim season was over, I got up before dawn and headed over to the pool. We were still having practices because championships were coming up, but today was an off day. Usually, I appreciated a good off day—you know, a chance to sleep in. Except I couldn’t sleep.

I was restless. Anxious. Still processing my night in the slammer and everything that came with it.

I was also avoiding my friends.

They would want answers. Explanations. After they stayed at the rave instead of fleeing like everyone else and then came to the police station before sunrise with trauma lattes, I felt I owed them.

For two years now, I’d kept the bros at arm’s distance. Maybe even a little farther than that. I wasn’t good at opening up because that required things I didn’t have.

Trust. Confidence. Security.

Coach knew. He would want to talk. Probably look at me again like he did at the police station, with worry and maybe even pity. Yet another reason I kept mostly to myself. It was hard to deal with other people’s reactions to my reality when I was consumed with dealing with my own.

I wished Kruger hadn’t told him, but I could only imagine how freaked out he was when I got hauled away in handcuffs. I knew he only did it to try and help me. Still, I couldn’t help but be nervous about the fallout.

When I first came to Westbrook, I was one hundred percent determined to not let anyone in. The more I watched friendships form and the way they all had each other’s backs, the more my determination started to slip. Still, I held out. Kruger helped, not only having my back with my secrets but also as a buffer. Somehow, he made us part of the bros but still shielded me enough that I maintained that bit of anonymity I valued more than anything.

Truth? I didn’t value it so much as it was a necessity.

I needed the safety of secret.

And then I watched Wes. I’d always felt a little bit of affinity with him. Not that anyone else knew that. It was just how I felt, and it was a feeling I kept private. Up until last semester, he’d always been on the quiet side too. Kept to himself but was friendly and a good swimmer.

Ryan and Jamie sort of took him under their wing, brought him a little out of his shell. Turned out Wes had a lot going on beneath the surface, just like me. Yeah, our stuff is different, but one thing is the same.

We’re both gay.

Wes was the first Elite swimmer to come out. I still remember the day he was basically outed to the entire team. He didn’t back down. I could tell how nervous he was, how he braced himself for the worst. He came out anyway.

Most everyone accepted him.

And the ones who didn’t? They aren’t here anymore.

You know why? Because the Elite bros were loyal.

I really admired Wes. So much. His risk started a whisper in the back of my mind—like I needed more noise in my head—that maybe, just maybe, there were people out there who would accept me. All of me.

I mean, after all, I found Kruger, Jess, and Gram.

But I was still afraid. Afraid to ask for more and to let anyone else in. For once in my life, I was steady. Why rock the boat?

Wes made me wonder, though, what it would be like to have the loyalty and acceptance of the bros. To have someone to love me.

Yeah, my brother and sister and gram love me… but you know what I mean. The kind of love Max has for Wes. The kind Wes has for Max.

And then Lars came along. He came out almost the second he got here. I watched everyone embrace him. I watched their loyalty surround him. Still, I held back.

I’m not just gay. I have a brain disorder. A condition that some don’t even believe is real. Because if they haven’t heard of it before, then it can’t possibly exist. Misophonia is just an excuse for me to act irrationally and get away with it. I am far too young to have tinnitus. And the anxiety makes me weak. A liability. An embarrassment. I’d heard this so much that even I sometimes wondered if it was all in my head.

Round and round my thoughts went, everything inside me competing for dominance to the point that lying in bed just wasn’t an option. I craved the cold water of the pool, the protection of its density, and the quietness only it could offer.

Physical exertion was always good too, working out until you were too tired to think so much.

I slipped out of the room and into the Elite pool, the instant relief the cold shock of the waves brought a welcome respite. I don’t know how long I swam, but I did lap after lap without looking up. Until my arms and legs burned and my knees started to ache. Still loath to leave the water, I sank beneath it, letting it mold around my body and press against my ears. Using long strokes, I swam under the surface, feeling the stretch of my limbs and watching bubbles escape my nose and mouth to travel upward.

When the need for air was essential, I broke the surface to fill my lungs.

Oxygen wasn’t the only thing I found, though. I had an audience.

Twelve bodies lined the edge of the pool, all of them with their feet submerged in the water. Twelve sets of eyes stared at me as I blinked behind the goggles, almost as if I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Reaching up, I shifted them onto my head, the strap pulling my wet hair. I’d been so anxious to swim earlier that I hadn’t even bothered with a swim cap.

Even though my eyes were dry, I swiped at them with damp fingers before looking back at Elite. “What are you guys doing here?”

“You always show up for us,” Wes said, and everyone else bobbed their head.

“But I’m just swimming,” I said, unsure what else to say.

“About that. Your form in those last two laps sucked,” Rush announced.

Landry gasped and smacked him in the back of his head. “Jay! That was so rude.”

Rush glanced at his girlfriend. “You’re the assistant coach. You saying you thought his form was good?”

“I’m not here to judge him,” she announced.

I didn’t know why, but those words made my stomach drop. Instantly, my stare flew to Kruger, panic twisting my insides and making the temperature of the water seem that much icier.

Feeling my panic, he shook his head decisively, then redirected my thoughts by throwing out his arms. “All movers on deck! We about to be kings of our own castle!”

“It’s a townhouse,” Max pointed out. “That you rented.”

“I’m beginning to question my choice of neighbors,” Kruger retorted.

Win flashed his dimples. “Are you kidding? We are gonna be the best neighbors ever!”

Jess groaned and leaned around Kruger to look toward Rory, Madison, and Landry. “I hope you girls come hang out often. Otherwise, I’ll be outnumbered.”

Oh shit, how could I have forgotten? We’d literally been planning on moving out of our dorm room and into the townhouse beside Max, Wes, Win, and Lars for weeks now.

As soon as Kruger and Jess made things official, as in he finally went after what he wanted, he rented a townhouse for the three of us. She had her own dorm room but stayed in ours a lot, and it just wasn’t a big enough space for three people. The second Kruger heard the place next to our bros was up for rent, he snapped it up.

And now it was moving day. Something I’d been conscious of and, yeah, anxious about for a while now.

So how the hell could it have just slipped my mind?

Because you’re too busy freaking out over Arsen.

Quietly, Lars said, “I think he forgot.”

“I’m not doing extra because he wore his ass out swimming all those laps,” Max grumped.

I forced myself out of my own head. “I didn’t forget,” I said, gliding through the water toward them. “I just didn’t realize what day it was.”

Jamie nodded emphatically. “Trying to adjust to life on the outside.”

I snorted. “It was one night in a holding cell.”

Jamie leaned his upper body over the water toward me. “You have to share a cot with Arsen?”

I sucked in a breath so forcefully that water rushed up my nose. I recoiled and hacked, the burning sensation taking over everything else.

Slapping a hand on the edge, I used the other to squeeze my nose.

“Jamie Michael Owens, what kind of question is that?” Madison declared, pulling her feet from the water to stand up on deck.

“Like the rest of you weren’t thinking it.” Jamie defended himself.

Why does it feel like they know without saying they know?

“Bro, you are the human version of a headache,” Kruger told him, also pulling his feet from the pool. His hand appeared in front of my face. My muscles really were shredded, so I clasped it and let him help me haul my noodle-y ass out of the water.

Ryan picked up my towel, which I’d dropped on the tile, and tossed it toward me. I caught it midair and rubbed it over my face. The water was cold, but standing out of it seemed even more shocking to the system. The air brushing against my wet skin made me shiver. Tugging the goggles off my head, I rubbed the towel over my hair, trying to generate some warmth.

“Go change. Then we’ll hit Shirley’s to carb load before the heavy lifting starts,” Ryan said.

“We really appreciate you guys helping us,” I told him.

“Like I said, you always show up for us,” Wes repeated.

My duffle was over on the bleachers. I hadn’t even bothered to put it in my locker, so I headed toward it, patting down my arms and chest with the towel as I went.

Just as I was slinging the strap over my shoulder, the doors to the natatorium opened then shuddered a bit as they closed. I didn’t think much of it, figuring it was just one of the bros.

Until Kruger’s aggravated voice echoed up to the rafters. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Is Matthew here?”

For a heartbeat, everything inside me was paralyzed. There was only one person that called me by my full name.

So I can have more of you on my tongue.

I spun so fast my bare feet squealed over the tile, the heinous sound making me cringe.

Arsen’s dark stare snapped to mine immediately, and even though my heartbeat turned erratic, everything else inside me settled. How utterly disarming was he to cause such a reaction with just his attention?

Where were you when I couldn’t sleep?

The thought alarmed me so much that I took a step back, my hand closing around the towel to squeeze. You cannot depend on Arsen.

His eyes narrowed as though me stepping back were somehow a challenge, and he started forward, eyes locked on me like I’d become his prey. I stared just as intently as him, though, devouring every single detail I could of the midnight-haired DJ.

Today, he was dressed in a pair of slim-fit grey chinos with a red and white plaid design. The pants were accented by a red, black, and white vertical stripe down the outside of each leg. A silver chain hooked on one of his front belt loops and draped all the way behind him to, I assumed, his back pocket.

On his feet were a pair of white Louis Vuitton trainers with red patent leather accents stamped with the brand logo. His black long-sleeved shirt was pushed up around his elbows, revealing all the bracelets crowding his wrist and, in white block letters, said NO REQUESTS across the chest.

God, he looked good. So together. Such a fucking turn-on for this guy who felt like he was endlessly falling apart.

He can’t fix you, Prism. Don’t pretend that he can.

Kruger slid in front of him, putting a hand to his chest to push him back. “Prism can’t come to the phone right now.”

Arsen looked down to Kruger’s restraining hand, then back up at my best friend. “Good thing I’m not making a phone call.” His ring-covered fingers reached up to push Kruger’s hand away, attention already focused back on me. “Matthew.”

I swallowed and continued to stare.

“Bro, sometimes I forget he has a first name,” Jamie said somewhere in the distance.

“Maybe he would rather us use it,” said one of the girls. Which one, I didn’t know.

“Prism, should we call you Matthew?”

“No.” Arsen nearly snarled. “Don’t even think about it.”

“I don’t think I like your tone.” Ryan’s hard voice cut in.

Ah, it must have been Rory speaking before.

“Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya,” Kruger told him, pointing toward the exit.

Arsen ignored everyone, shouldered by my best friend, and came to stand directly in front of me. I was no stranger to tall men. Hell, I was around them on the daily. I was six feet myself, so why did it suddenly seem that Arsen’s easily six-three height seemed so much larger?

Was it because I was standing here, wet, in nothing but a tiny Speedo? Was it because he was fully dressed and his shoulders seemed extra wide in the black shirt with his hands shoved deep in his pant pockets?

Was it the silent way he regarded me, as if he were taking inventory of every piece of me to make sure I was exactly as he’d left me?

I’m not. I’m like the ocean. Never still.

Or maybe it was how bottomless his onyx eyes appeared, as if he were endless and giving the impression he could never run out of patience when dealing with me.

His hair was parted down the center, falling over his forehead and catching on his brow. He tossed his head back in an attempt to dislodge it, but I didn’t know if he was successful because my attention was stolen by the rings in his lip.

“You need to come with me.”

His words didn’t register, but I felt my head bobbing in agreement anyway.

“Like hell he will,” Kruger said, shouldering himself partially between us. “I don’t know what game youre playing here, Arsen, but haven’t you done enough?”

Arsen flicked a gaze at Kruger, then back to me. “We have an appointment at the police station.”

“What?” Jess cut in. “I thought they dropped the charges. Why would you have to go back?”

The anxiety in her voice restarted my brain.

Turning toward my sister, Arsen answered, “They did. But my lawyer promised them we’d come back this morning to answer a few questions. It’s why they let us go so fast yesterday morning. Otherwise, they would have made us stay longer to talk.”

He turned back to me. “Figured you could use some time to decompress before having to talk to them.”

I felt my cheeks heat, and it reminded me I was standing there practically naked and freezing. Without thinking, I pulled the towel into my chest, wrapping my arms around it and holding it like a shield.

The rings in his lip tugged a little when he tried not to smile, the look in his eyes warming.

I felt my brows draw down in a scowl. Is he laughing at me?

“Niles is meeting us at the station. Go get dressed. You can ride with me.”

“We have to go now?” I asked. “I had plans.”

“Niles is heading out of town right after, so yeah, now.”

“Just go, then,” Kruger told Arsen. “P can go down later and answer some questions.”

“It would be smarter to do so with a lawyer present.”

I nodded. “He’s right.” Having a lawyer there would make me feel better about everything, so it was best just to get it over with. I turned toward my friends. “You guys go eat without me, and then I’ll meet you at the townhouse to help unload the truck.”

“What truck?” Arsen asked.

“That’s cool, bro. Go deal with the badges. We’ve got it covered,” Win told me.

“Are you sure?”

“Bro, sure,” Ryan said.

“We’ll bring some breakfast to the house for you.” Madison offered.

“Thanks,” I said. “I’ll go change.” I avoided looking at Arsen and started away.

His hand slid around my bicep, stopping me. “Matthew.” He spoke quietly, and I rotated. Even though I turned back, he didn’t release the hold on my arm. Instead, his thumb swiped over my skin as he spoke. “What’s going on?”

“I’m moving,” I blurted out.

His hand tightened around my arm. “What?”

“Into a townhouse off campus.”

His brows drew down. “By yourself?”

Kruger snorted. “With me and Jess.”

“He’s our new neighbor,” Wes put in.

“Got a problem with that?” Max challenged.

Arsen released my arm. “Go get dressed.”

I went, exhaling the second I was alone behind the locker room door.

I hadn’t planned on seeing Arsen this soon. I thought I’d have time to convince myself the reason he affected me so much was that I’d been in an impossible situation the other night.

“P!” Kruger bellowed as he banged into the locker room.

I didn’t answer because he knew where I was, and as proof, he turned the corner into the row of lockers where mine was right beside his.

“You okay?” he asked, concern evident in his voice.

“Yeah, of course.”

He was silent a moment, then, “I’m evoking bro code.”

I groaned, lowering the joggers I’d been about to put on. “Why?”

“Because the bullshit you’re feeding me right now tastes rancid.”

I started to protest—okay, to lie—but he made a rude sound and arched an eyebrow. “Bro. Code.”

Bro code was sacred, a pact we’d made a long time ago to be truthful and loyal to each other no matter what. Back when we were younger, I’d been a bit less… controlled. I was even less forthcoming than I was now, and it often got me into trouble, trouble that Kruger often ended up stepping into as well. It was after one of these, ah, instances that he came up with bro code, and I’d agreed because he showed up for me time and again and I wanted to do the same. Even if it did suck donkey balls. And even if I never had to use it on him like he did me.

Still, I honored it. Every time.

“Did you tell them about me?” I asked in lieu of a direct answer.

“I’d never,” he swore. “I didn’t even tell Jess back when she mind-dumped it all.”

I nodded. I remembered. It made me feel guilty for asking. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You have a right to ask because I told Coach. I’m sorry about it. But I was freaked out, P. You were in jail. Jail. I was worried as fuck. But hey, I asked Coach not to tell anyone else, and he gave me his word. You know he will keep it.”

“He’s gonna want to talk to me about it.”

“Probably. But I’ll come with. And don’t freak about it, okay? He believed me. He didn’t act like I was making up some shit or anything. He was cool about it.”

I wasn’t sure how that made me feel—relieved or nervous. Maybe both. “Really?”

“I’d never lie to you.”

I nodded and turned away to peel the Speedo off my body and pull on the joggers instead. I didn’t often wear underwear. I didn’t like the way they felt against my skin.

And no, I wasn’t shy about stripping to change in front of Kruger. We were swimmers. We all walked around mostly naked all the time. Besides, it wasn’t like we were a bunch of peeping Toms.

After the sweats were on, I reached for my T-shirt. “Did you also tell him that I’m gay?”

“No.”

“I think everyone knows,” I whispered.

“Even if they think it, they won’t push you into saying so,” Kruger said. “You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to.”

He thinks they all know too.

I fell quiet.

“P. Do you want to tell them?” He was perceptive. Good at reaching into the very heart of what I was thinking and feeling.

“No,” I said quickly.

He grunted.

My shoulders slumped. “Maybe.”

“This about him?”

I glanced up at my friend. His two-toned eyes regarded me seriously.

“Who?”

His tongue slid over his teeth. I was being a brat and making him fish, but I couldn’t help it. “Arsen.”

“Maybe,” I whispered.

“What happened in that jail cell?”

“Why don’t you like him anymore?”

Kruger made a choked sound and dropped onto the bench beside me. We both sat there with our feet flat on the floor, staring at my open locker while I clutched a hoodie in my hand. “Do I really even need to say it?”

“Yeah.”

“He got you arrested. For drugs. Now you have to go back to the police station. I should have listened to you in the first place. He’s not right for you. I shouldn’t have pushed it. This is my fault.”

“Whoa,” I said, standing from the bench with my back to the lockers. “This is not your fault. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it got me arrested. Same with Arsen. Those weren’t his drugs. The reason I had to spend the night was I lost it and punched a cop.”

He made a noise as if the information hurt him. It made my chest ache. He took on so much care of me. I didn’t want to be a burden.

“And Arsen? He punched a cop so I wouldn’t be in there alone. He’s the reason I made it through the night,” I admitted, forcing the words out. It was hard to say out loud. Hard to admit I’d needed Arsen that night.

“I should have been there,” Kruger whispered, staring at his shoes. “The cops raided the place, and all hell broke loose. I grabbed Jess and then turned back for you, and you were gone. I looked for you, bro. I couldn’t find you. So I got Jess outside and then came back.”

My back slid down the wall of lockers as I crouched in front of my best friend. Tapping on the side of his knee, I said, “You did the right thing getting Jess out of there. I’m a grown man, Ben. I know you feel responsible for me, but you aren’t. I went under the bleachers because it was quieter under there. I was going to run out when some of the chaos died down.”

“But Arsen found you first.”

“Are you jealous?” I teased.

When he didn’t clap back with a ridiculous line, I realized he was. Oh. “This whole conversation falls under bro code.”

“Fuck you, P,” he muttered.

I laughed.

“Of course I am!” he burst out.

See? He was much more forthcoming with his inner thoughts than I was.

“I’m always the one who’s there for you.”

I nodded. “You’re my ride-or-die.”

“Then why’d you sneak out of the room this morning? Why did you avoid me yesterday?”

I scrubbed a hand down my face and stood. “Because I’m freaking out, okay? It’s a lot. I’m trying to process it all. Being in jail made me realize I’m just one disaster away from how I used to be. Maybe my control isn’t what I thought. Maybe I’m not learning to handle it any better. Maybe I’m just fooling myself.”

“Damn, P—” He started, but I cut him off to keep going.

“And Arsen? He saw it all. He watched me crack under pressure. I had to trust him that night. I was more scared of myself in that moment than I was of him. How fucked up is that? To trust a stranger more than yourself. It’s a slap in the face. I know he’s not for me. No one is, but he…”

“All right.” Kruger shoved off the bench and came at me, locking his arms around my back and forcing me into a hug.

I didn’t hug him back. I left my arms at my sides and stared unseeing over his shoulder.

“That’s good. You don’t have to say anything else. I’m sorry I was hard on you when I shouldn’t have been.”

“Finish what you were saying.”

The new voice had my eyes widening and body stiffening. Kruger also went rigid, pulling back from me to spin.

Arsen stepped around the lockers, filling up the end of the row we were occupying. His hands were at his sides, his posture relaxed, but his eyes were glittering.

“Arsen,” I said. “I didn’t hear you come in.” Oh my God.How much of that did he hear?

“What the fuck, bro?” Kruger intoned. “This is an A-B conversation, so C your way out of it.”

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

The intensity of Arsen’s stare was like a vortex drawing me in, so strong I had no hope of pulling away. “You were going to say something else about me.” He spoke. “But you didn’t finish. Finish that sentence now.”

I shook my head. How was I supposed to even think when he was standing there looking at me like that? Kruger cracked open my emotional vault with our stupid bro code, and then Arsen just helped himself.

“This is the second time,” I said to no one really but myself. “The second time you’ve seen me cracked open, seen stuff I don’t want anyone to see.”

“I’m not looking away, Matthew,” he intoned. “Now finish the fucking sentence.”

“Oh hells no. You don’t talk to my bro like that.” Kruger charged him, but instead of backing away, Arsen bulldozed him into the lockers. The entire row shuddered under Kruger’s weight and Arsen’s aggression.

“You talk too much,” Arsen told Kruger. “And right now, this conversation is between me and Matthew. Your voice is unnecessary.”

Kruger seemed to swell with the audacity he embodied in spades, and the next thing I knew, Arsen was flying across the row, slamming into the lockers behind him.

I rushed forward, moving to the end of the bench so I could stand between them. “Stop!” I said, looking at Kruger.

“You’re protecting him?” he asked, surprised.

“I’m protecting myself.”

Kruger deflated. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll just let it go that this guy was ear-jacking a private conversation. Get your stuff. I’ll drive you to the police station.”

“I’ll drive him,” Arsen said, stepping up behind me. He was so close I could feel his body heat reach out to caress my back, and it took everything in me not to lean into him and sigh.

It made me feel like a traitor. Like I was caught in the middle between him and my best friend.

“Is this how you feel between me and Jess?” I blurted out. The sorrow made me feel so uninhibited that the words just spilled right out.

Fucking bro code.

Kruger’s expression pinched and then grew incredulous. “No!” he demanded. Then, “That’s completely different. You’re my brother. My best friend. Jess is my wife. My heart. And Arsen… isn’t.” He swallowed, his eyes filling with questions. “He isn’t. Right, P?”

A low rumbling filled the space behind me, and the hairs on the back of my neck lifted. “Maybe someone should let him finish his fucking sentences.”

Shocked, I turned to face Arsen. He was so close I actually startled when our eyes collided. I started to step back, but he caught my arm, keeping me in place. “You’re good where you are, princess.”

The bottom dropped out of my stomach, and it took me a minute to realize I’d turned around for a reason. “You’re… different than I thought.”

“So are you.”

“We still don’t fit.”

“Oh, baby, tell me the parts that don’t fit, and I’ll saw them off so we do.”

I made a sound. I don’t know what kind of sound it was, but it was the only response my overloaded system could manage.

Arsen’s eyes flicked over my shoulder. “Give us a few minutes.”

“I’d love to say yes, bro, but… Actually, I wouldn’t love to say yes.”

Arsen glanced at me. “Tell him you’re safe with me, princess.”

But I’m not.

His thumb started stroking over the inside of my elbow, the hold he had on me not restraining but encouraging.

Did I ever mention I loved encouragement?

Glancing over my shoulder, I looked at Ben. “Just give us a few, okay? I’ll be out.”

“You sure about this, P?”

No.“Yes.”

“This still counts under bro code.” He reminded me.

“Yes,” I repeated.

I might not feel confident, but instinct didn’t lie.

“We’re getting an alarm system on the new place. Something to keep people from sneaking in,” he muttered on his way out.

The second the locker room door slammed behind him, Arsen’s fingers wrapped around my chin and gently drew my face around.

He said nothing, just stared, taking in my features as if he’d never seen them before. The attention was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, and it hollowed me out until I was empty and aching.

“I need you to finish that sentence.”

I shook my head.

His quiet voice filled up some of the space he’d hollowed out inside me, sort of the way a warm drink coats an empty stomach. “I know he’s not for me. No one is, but he…” He repeated my words back to me. “But he what, Matthew?”

“He makes me feel like, for once, I am enough.”

His gruff sound was punctuated by the swift way he pulled me in, plastering us together until we were not two bodies but one. Backing us into the lockers, he caged me in completely, somehow softening the aggression by cradling the back of my head with his palm.

His face lowered, and my lashes swept down. The instant we fused, the warm tidal wave of his desire poured over me, flushing my skin and making me feel alive in ways I didn’t know was possible. His breath was a spine-tingling prelude to the boldness of his tongue sweeping over the seam of my lips, and I opened instantly to let him in. Pleasure filled in every divot in my spine, loosening my limbs, but instead of melting into the locker, I melted farther into him, giving up my inhibitions and my weight without a thought to whether he could carry it all.

The unasked question was answered when he reached around to grab my ass and lift. I was not small, but he lifted me as if I were, my legs chaining themselves around his waist as he cradled my body and kissed until I was forced to gasp for air.

Pulling away from the lockers, he backed up a couple steps and sat on the bench, widening his thighs to give me more of his lap. My legs fell on either side of his hips, feet falling behind him toward the floor. He palmed my hips, fingers digging into my ass to keep me firmly in his lap, and the pads of my fingers kneaded into the soft material of the shirt covering his shoulders.

His chin lifted at the same time my hands left his shoulders to grab the sides of his head as our lips crashed once more. My chest was so tight, but I barely felt it, and all the noise continuously filling my mind had given way to a low buzzing that left my head fuzzy.

Our tongues were tenacious, lapping at each other like there was no getting enough. Long, broad licks against the other as if we could taste the very essence of our attraction and amplify it. The texture of his tongue was just right, and the more I rubbed against it, the more addicted I became. My fingers curled aggressively into his ears, grappling for more as if I’d turned feral.

“Good boy.” He encouraged me between kisses, and it only made me more untamed.

Feverish, I kissed deeper, my tongue catching on his lip rings, and I whimpered against his mouth. Still gripping his head, I pulled back to stare at the two silver hoops taunting me from the corner of his swollen lip.

My tongue darted out, sweeping over my own, already hungering to know what it would be like to play with those embellishments.

He turned his face just slightly, angling so I had even more access to the jewelry, and it was all the encouragement I needed. I licked over them once. The coolness of the metal sandwiched between his heated mouth and my tongue had my rock-hard cock smearing the inside of my sweats with pre-release.

Groaning, I licked over them again, shivering a little at how good the contrast was, and then tugged one of the rings into my mouth to suck it gently. I whined at how good it was and thrust my rigid dick into his middle. His hands tightened on my ass, pushing me tighter against him as I experimented with pushing the tip of my tongue through the small ring.

One of his hands found the hem of my shirt and slipped inside, dragging the bluntness of his nails up the ridge of my spine.

I rocked into him again, pulling both rings into my mouth and sucking.

He made a low sound, and I released the piercings to cover his mouth with mine. The kiss was deep and wet, the rings covering his fingers shocking to the heated skin of my back.

I’d never felt like this before. Not ever. Overwhelmed and overstimulated, but in a good way. I’d always associated those things with anxiety and fear, but this was anything but. This was pure bliss, something I hoped would never end.

But even with the thought, urgency chased its way down my spine, tightening my balls and turning that feral need into desperation.

I ripped my mouth away and buried my face in the side of his neck, pushing a hand between us to grab my dick through my clothes.

His followed, pulling mine away before I could find the relief I desperately needed. “That’s mine now,” he said, voice deeper than usual but somehow even more intoxicating.

“Then do something about it,” I grumped, nipping at the skin on his neck.

His throaty chuckle had me thrusting into him all over again.

“I like you desperate,” he mused, wrapping his hand around my rod and squeezing.

I groaned in pleasure, head lolling on his shoulder.

After only one stroke, he pulled away but hooked his fingers in my waistband. “Can I touch you without anything between us, Matthew?”

“Please,” I whispered, ready to beg.

“That’s my good boy,” he murmured, brushing his lips across my forehead before pushing his hand beneath the fabric.

I held my breath, waiting for that skin-on-skin contact, but his hand paused. “Are you not wearing any underwear?” he asked, reaching around to cup my bare ass cheek. “Naughty.”

Oh, I didn’t like that, and my body stiffened even as my face pushed farther into him. I was at war with myself, my body desperate for release but my heart needing acceptance.

“They’re too scratchy.” I confided my truth against the flesh of his throat.

He hummed, fingertips flirting with my ass crack before pulling away to move around to my cock. “I like it.” He approved, fisting my dick with his bare hand. “That means there’s less keeping you away from me.”

I kissed the side of his neck, smearing the kiss up to the corner of his mouth.

“Ungh,” I groaned when he started to jack me, my head falling onto his shoulder as bliss rolled over my body. My hand found its way beneath his shirt, and my fingers closed around the bar in his nipple, making us both groan.

I tugged and twisted it lightly, the pulls of my fingers becoming a bit more aggressive the closer I got to release.

The base of my spine started to tingle and my insides tightened, but then he pulled his hand away, leaving me damp and aching in a terrible way.

“Arsen?” I questioned, the way I said his name so vulnerable that embarrassment burned my ears.

“You didn’t do anything, princess,” he whispered, palming my hips. “But I want to see you. And the first time you come for me is going to be across my tongue.”

I went hot and cold at once, the two sensations making me shiver. “Y-you want to do that to me?”

He pulled back to look at me. “Why wouldn’t I want to do that?”

No one had ever. Maybe not because they didn’t want to but because I wouldn’t let them. What if I didn’t like it? What if the sensations were wrong? The texture. What if they didn’t like it?

Rejection on either side seemed almost more than I could bear.

“What if you don’t like it?” I said, more or less projecting my fear onto him.

Palming my face, he looked me right in the eyes, sincerity and patience in endless supply. “Well, if I don’t like it, then I’ll stop and do something I do like.”

He was projecting too. Somehow, he knew I was scared I would hate it. Instead of calling me a freak for being gay and not wanting a blowjob, he embraced it. Embraced me.

I bit down on my lip. Heady desire and the insistent need for release made me want to shove his face into my crotch, but the other part of me, the more rational part, was still afraid.

“Matthew.”

My eyes shot to his at the quiet request.

“Did you like the way my tongue felt against yours?”

I nodded enthusiastically.

“And my lip ring?”

More nodding.

“I think your dick will like it too.”

I hesitated but then gave a stilted nod, the fire he ignited in me making me brave.

“Stand up,” he said, palming my waist to help me.

The second I was upright, he pulled the joggers down to my knees, my breath catching at his eagerness. He groaned, taking in my hard and ready dick, which popped between us with no inhibitions at all. Still staring, Arsen palmed my bare hips and tugged me so I was standing between his legs, my dick all up in his business.

An inkling of insecurity?—

“You’re fucking perfect, Matthew. You’re also fucking mine.”

Oh. Never mind.

His hand closed around me, and my eyes rolled back in my head. Lowering, his lips parted, and the muscles in my stomach contracted almost painfully.

I closed my eyes, anticipating that first touch, waiting to see if it was a sensation I would love or hate, but it never came.

“Matthew. Look at me,” Arsen ordered. “Look at me when I suck your dick.”

The crude words had my eyes flying open just in time to see the width of his tongue swipe over my head. Dark, glittering eyes stared up my body, holding me hostage as he did it again, this time making sure to drag the coolness of his piercing over the tip.

My knees started to shake as I stared wide-eyed at the picture he made.

“Oh, fuck yes,” he groaned, then swallowed me down.

I nearly choked on pleasure, and if he hadn’t wrapped his arms around my hips to anchor me close, I would have slid to the floor.

He didn’t let up. He left absolutely no room for doubt. He sucked and deep-throated my dick like it was the fucking best meal he’d ever have and he’d fight me if I tried to take it away.

All worry and fear I wouldn’t like it flew out the window as my fingers fisted in his hair and I thrust my hips a little closer. He chuckled around my dick, the vibration forcing a stilted moan between my lips.

He settled into a rocking motion. His cheeks hollowed out around my throbbing dick, and then out of nowhere, it hit me like a bolt of lightning.

The only warning he got was the tug on his hair as I erupted, sparks of white light nearly blinding me as pleasure ripped me in half. I arched into him, into the heat of his mouth, and submitted to the best fucking orgasm of my entire life.

The warm, wet suction of his mouth would be a new fixation, as would the way I could feel him swallowing down everything I unloaded. Even after I was finished, he sucked a little longer, reaching between us to massage my balls and make sure they were empty.

My legs were trembling so much that I knew the second he pulled off, I would hit my ass, but the euphoria I knew was so consuming I didn’t worry about it or anything at all, instead just drifting in this fuzzy warm place only he’d brought me too.

His hand stroked over my lower abdomen when he slowly pulled away and sat back. I melted toward the floor, and he chuckled, pulling my pants up as I lowered. I hit my ass between his knees, tucking my legs in close and laying my cheek against his thigh.

I rubbed my cheek against his leg, smiling a little when his hand pushed through my hair.

“You taste good, baby. Damn good.”

My eyes fluttered open, and I came face to face with the way his chinos strained against his rigid dick. I stared at it for long moments as he stroked my hair and then reached out to grip it. He let out a choked sound, hips instantly angling so I could get a better grip.

The tightness of his pants was too restrictive, and I reached for the fly for better access. His hand covered mine, not pushing me away but also not helping me pull him out.

I couldn’t look at him, so instead, I stared at where his hand held mine and the bulge beneath our palms.

“What if you don’t like it?” He was bolder than me.

“I will,” I said, confident.

That seemed to make him mad, and his fingers squeezed my chin, bringing it up so I had to look at him. “How do you know you like sucking cock?”

“Because it’s yours.”

He cursed and undid his pants.

I grabbed the waistband, and he lifted his hips just enough so I could pull them down his thighs. Of course, his dick was just as beautiful as the rest of him, long and thick, standing up off his body proudly. As nice-looking as his dick was, it was the groomed thatch of dark hair just above it that stole my attention. Wiggling my fingers, I pushed them into the coarse, springy curls and purred while scratching in the short length.

Wrapping my other hand around his shaft, I squeezed, entranced by the pearly bead forming at the tip. I went for it the same way he did, without hesitation, licking up that salty tease and swirling my tongue around the thick mushroom head.

He whispered my name and canted his hips out, and I rose to my knees and took him down completely. He let out a low moan that shot straight to my core, and I dragged my lips up until they circled just the tip.

I sucked shallowly for a moment, rolling his head around my mouth and sliding it over the smooth skin of my inner cheek. His breathing was heavy, balls drawn tight against his body, and I circled my hand around the base, held it up off his body, and then sank down.

He made a strangled sound as I settled into a rhythm, bobbing my head while he throbbed and shook. I knew he was close when his ass lifted off the bench, and I flicked my tongue over his slit, then sucked him deep.

“I’m gonna come.” He warned me, gently tugging my hair to give me a chance to pull off.

I made a sound of protest and pushed down on him farther just as he let go. The warm flood of his release shot over my tongue as his dick pulsed with pleasure. I swallowed him down, trying to catch it all as it gathered at the corners of my mouth. He thrust shallowly, and I continued to suck, milking every last bit of bliss out of him and swallowing it down.

Even after he relaxed against the bench, I hesitated to let him go, instead laying my cheek on his thigh, gently working his softening dick between my lips.

His hand threaded through my hair, and I stiffened, expecting him to push me off. But he pulled me closer, letting me suck more. “Your mouth is my new favorite place.”

My eyes drifted closed as I warmed his cock, our shared pleasure easing something inside me.

“Matthew?”

“Hm?” I hummed around his shaft.

“You don’t ever have to be more. Or less. Not for me. Because everything you already are is perfectly enough.”