6. Elton

CHAPTER SIX

Elton

“What are you doing home?”

I look up from my game to see Everest standing in the doorway to my room and greet him with a wide smile. “Hey, bro. Rhys working tonight?”

“Yeah,” he says, cheeks growing rosy as he thinks about his man. Chewing on his bottom lip, he gestures to my gaming console. “I thought maybe we could play a round together?”

I think my head nearly falls off with how quickly I nod. Everest and I have been growing closer lately, and I’ll take any and every opportunity to hang out with him. I pat the beanbag chair next to me, and he comes in and plops down. Handing him the extra controller, I switch over my game to something we can play together.

“Didn’t you have a date tonight?” he asks as the game loads.

“Yup.”

“How’d it go?”

“She wanted to be just friends,” I say, thinking back to the cute brunette I took out tonight. I thought we had a really good time together, but it turns out it was all in my head. Apparently, she was just looking for a hookup and I was “a little too intense.”

Everest hums, putting the pieces together himself. “That sucks. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I say with a shrug, even though it’s not. I’m really getting tired of all this rejection. There’s only so much a man can take before he just gives up. I don’t even think what I want is that crazy. Don’t people want romance? Don’t they want their forever love? Don’t they want a fairytale ending?

If I could just find someone who wants me and sees me and?—

Stop it.

I push that negativity aside. There’s no use getting upset over it. I’ll try again like I always do. I have to hold on to the hope that one day I’ll find what I’m looking for.

Our game loads and we start playing. Within a few minutes, I’m dominating. I’d be proud and impressed if I didn’t know that Everest is actually really good at this game, but he’s playing like he never has before. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his fingers twitch on the handle, his foot tap restlessly, and his cheeks flush with worry. He’s opened up about his anxiety, and I’ve tried to be as supportive as possible. Sometimes he gets like this, and it’s usually when he has something to say, but he’s too nervous to do so.

I pause the game, turning to face him. “What’s up?”

“I…” He sets his controller down and clasps his hands together. “Can I give you some advice?”

“Of course,” I say easily, clapping his shoulder and giving him a light shake. “You can tell me anything.”

“Do you think that maybe you’re coming off a little strong?” he questions, looking like he wants to hide behind his hands.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re… I don’t like the word desperate, but I don’t know what other word to use. I’m sorry?—”

“Don’t be,” I stop him and hold up a hand. Even though the word does slice at my pride, I want to hear him out. “Keep going.”

He takes a deep breath. “You’re still young. I’m not saying what you want isn’t okay, but maybe you should just focus on having fun and letting loose? What you want will come in time, but don’t try to force it.”

I listen carefully to what he has to say. I want to argue, but I can’t find any reasonable counter, because he has a point. Even if I also want to avoid this topic altogether, my summer abroad inspired me to fight through the discomfort of unpleasant feelings, so I try to face my insecurities head on.

The truth is that I’m so laser-focused on the long-term plan, I’m losing myself in the process. I don’t want to be alone. I want someone to love, but maybe that’s not really what I need right now. I need fun. I need excitement. I need?—

Knox.

Woah.

Everest gives me a funny look because I actually rear my head back. I don’t know where the fuck that came from, but the thought was strong and loud .

I hate the way I left things with him the other night. I didn’t mean to offend him. I truly just freaked out. I turned into someone I didn’t recognize and that really rattled me.

But you had so much fun.

Shit. I can’t deny that. It was one of the best times I’ve had in a while. Not just because of the amazing orgasm but because I could act freely around him. Somehow knowing he doesn’t like me to begin with makes it easier to drop my walls. It’s not like I can do anything to make him hate me even more, right?

“What did you just think of?” Everest asks.

I open my mouth to tell him about my hookup with Knox, but I stop myself. While I’m not ashamed of being with a man, I realize I want to keep this to myself. It’s fun and dirty and sexy, but it’s also something I don’t really know how to explain properly. I definitely don’t want to tell my younger brother I got off on being called a slut, so I sidestep the question. “Maybe you’re right.”

He blinks at me. “I am?”

“Yeah, little bro,” I say, ruffling his hair. “When did you get so wise?”

He snorts. “I’m not wise.”

“You’re awesome,” I insist, and I only hope that he knows that. It warms my heart as he smiles at me like he used to when he was little. “Do you want to play some more?”

“Fuck yeah,” he laughs, picking up his controller.

We play a couple more rounds, avoiding any other heavy topics, and have a pretty great night. He tells me all about how amazing things are with Rhys and how they’re officially moving into their new place next week. I pay attention to every single word—hang on them—and it isn’t until Rhys comes home and they go to bed that I finally think through my decision.

I want Knox.

It’ll just be fun. Something exciting to take my mind off my constant search for love and acceptance. I’ll enjoy my time with him and see what happens, hoping that by letting the universe take the wheel, I’ll find what I’m looking for. But first things first, I think I owe him an apology.

And I just hope he’ll accept it.