4. Emery

4

EMERY

I almost go back into the Whiskey Whistler, but as I feel the wetness on my cheeks, I change my mind. I go past the door and walk down the block toward my car. I probably should feel bad or guilty for the way that I just left Ray with no explanation, but I can't seem to make myself care right now. All this time has gone by, I finally decide to try and start dating again, and now Nash pulls this. He can’t pull a stunt like that just because he doesn’t want me to date someone.

My car is parked only a block away, and I get in and slam the door shut and lay my head on the steering wheel. A deep agony fills me. It’s the same hurt I’ve felt since I mentioned the word divorce, but it’s even more intense.

I know it sounds foolish, but a part of me wants to walk back to where I left Nash standing. Every part of my being tells me that he is not the type to cheat. I know he's not, but still there's that little glimmer of doubt that has rocked my insecurities since he agreed to the divorce. Why else would he have agreed like he did? But I shouldn’t have thrown it in his face. Not like that. Through everything– even the divorce–he has gone out of his way to be nice to me. He left me the house, pays an alimony that is way too much, and even though I denied it, he still sends it to my bank account each month. And how do I repay him? By accusing him of cheating when I’m really not sure that’s what happened.

I start the car and drive down the street toward my big, empty house. It's the same one that I lived in when Nash and I were married, and it's definitely too big, but I don't have the strength to sell it. I know it sounds stupid, but it's like the very last thing that I have that was part of Nash's and my life together. I can't part with it.

I get a block down the street, and there are headlights in my rearview mirror. I don't even get worried as the lights shine in my eyes. I know exactly who it is. Since the divorce, anytime I drive at night, it's been Nash that has followed me home. More and more lately. It’s like when we were married he was never in town, and now he’s here all the time. I wasn't lying when I told him that I feel like I see him more now that we're divorced than when we were married. It's the truth. If he had given me just half the attention he gives me now, we probably could have worked things out. I don't know what is going on with him, but I won't let myself get into a situation to get hurt again. I don't think I could survive it.

When I pull into the driveway, Nash's Suburban stops at the end of the driveway. I push the button to open the garage and pull in. As soon as I'm in, I push the button again to close the garage doors, and I watch as Nash’s SUV disappears in the rearview mirror. I get out of the car and walk into the house, turning off the security system as I walk through the door. That's one thing that he always stressed as important. He always wanted to make sure I was safe. There were so many times that I felt he was trying to be controlling and maybe too possessive, but he promised me it was only because he wanted me protected. It wasn't until I realized exactly how dangerous his job really was that I discovered his need to keep me safe was the truth.

I step out of my shoes and stop at the entryway, picking up the mail that the mailman had put through the slot of the door. I leaf through the envelopes, and there's one that calls out to me. I drop all of the other letters on the table and stare at the official-looking white envelope. In big bold letters on the upper lefthand side is the name of the adoption agency that I recently applied to. I hurriedly open the envelope, unfolding the paper that was inside and scan the words in front of me. "I'm sorry, but at this time we are unable to process your application. Please reach out to us in the future when your circumstances have changed."

I let my hands fall, and the letter smacks against my leg. Circumstances? I shake my head in disbelief. There are so many kids in this world that need somebody to love them. I could do that, but time after time, I get denied because I am a single woman.

I had all of these dreams when I was married to Nash. He never believed that he could be a good father, but I always thought I would be able to change his mind. When we got married, I thought it was going to be forever. At least I wanted it to be. I had no idea how many days, nights, weeks, months I would go without even seeing him. Sometimes not even knowing where he was at in this world. And then when he was home, he was still thinking about work. I know what he does is important, and I would never want him to give that up, but I guess I just wanted more for us.

I walk into my home office and go straight to the board I have hanging on my wall. With a black marker, I scratch off the name of the adoption agency that just sent me the rejection letter. There's two more on the list I have not heard back from yet. I haven't given up all hope yet. I can't. I know that there is a child out there that needs me, and I'm not going to let anything stop me from doing this. It would've been easier with Nash as my husband. Heck, that's what I always wanted, but somehow I have to force myself to change my dreams a little, even if I don't really want to.