20. Jesse

Chapter 20

Jesse

“You are so fucking cute when you’re jealous.”

I glared at Ranya. “Jealous? What are you talking about?”

She quirked an eyebrow. “So I’m just imagining that scowl? And it’s just coincidentally occurring while you’re thinking about your man sharing drinks with another man a few blocks away?”

I gritted my teeth and tried not to think about Anthony and Slade hunched over beers and their history. And I tried not to think about the fact that we had never really laid down any kind of parameters for our relationship. Sex, of course. A lot of sex. But monogamy? Shit, I was married . Not actively, but married nonetheless, and neither Anthony nor I had ever said anything about not sleeping with anyone else. And so I tried not to think about the hotels between here and wherever those two were, and all the things he could do with a clear conscience, and how much they’d probably already done in a past life, and okay, so maybe I was a little bit fucking jealous.

I ran my fingertip up and down the stem of my wineglass. “Fine. But don’t tell me you wouldn’t be jealous right about now.”

She shrugged. “Of course I would. Never said I wouldn’t.”

“Think Slade’s really an ‘old friend’?”

“If by ‘old friend’ he means ex-boyfriend, sure.”

I pursed my lips. As I picked up my wineglass, though, I rolled my shoulders to break up some of the tension that had been accumulating since I’d lost sight of Anthony and Slade. “Well, they obviously get along. Must not have been a bad breakup.”

Ranya nodded. “I’ve always admired people who get along so well with their exes.”

“You’re not friends with any of yours?”

“Oh my fucking God, no. There’s a reason we’re not together anymore, you know.”

“Yeah, but sometimes things just don’t work out romantically,” I said. “Doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that at all. It’s just that when mine don’t work out romantically, they do so in the same way shotgun blasts don’t work out well with human flesh.”

I laughed. “Such a way with words, my dear.”

“It’s true, though. My breakups are always cataclysmic. You should have seen how things went down with my ex-fiancé.” She grimaced.

“I don’t even want to know.”

“No, you don’t. Trust me, he and I are not on speaking terms anymore. ”

“Yeah, well, here’s hoping I can at least stay on speaking terms with my ex-wife,” I said. “Maybe not as friendly as them ”—my, my, how one word could taste so sour—“but speaking terms.”

Ranya’s lips thinned, and she stared into her drink.

I ran my fingertip around the rim of my glass. “Something wrong?”

For a moment, she didn’t speak. The crevices between her eyebrows deepened, and the silence went on. I chewed the inside of my cheek, not sure if I wanted to prod her to say what was on her mind or let her keep it unspoken as long as she needed to.

Finally she folded her hands behind her glass and looked at me. Her expression was unusually serious, completely devoid of the mischievous spark that had, I thought, taken up permanent residence in her eyes.

“I sincerely hope you and Simone stay on speaking terms,” she said softly. “At the very least, you two have a friendship that most people would kill for.”

I swallowed. “But…?”

“But…” She leaned forward, resting her arms on the table. “And maybe I’m out of line for saying this, but the way things are going, you’re seriously asking to lose both Simone and Anthony.”

Ice crackled along my nerve endings. “Is that right?”

She nodded. “Honestly, I think you guys—all of you—are heading for something catastrophic.”

“In what way?”

“You’ve got, well, what you and Anthony have going on,” she said, ticking off the points on her fingers. “Then there’s Simone. She’s your wife, she knows the truth about you, and she’s fucking miserable.”

My stomach tried to jump into my throat. “As much as she insists she’s not.”

“Honey, you’ve been married long enough to know that when a woman says ‘I’m fine,’ she’s not.”

“Yeah, I know.” I sighed. “But with her, I… I just don’t know. But we’ve been through that.”

“We have,” she said with a nod. “So there’s your relationship, your marriage, whatever’s going on with her and Dean—”

“You think she and Dean are really—”

“If those two aren’t together,” she said, “I will become a vegetarian and take up smoking.”

I blinked.

“Call it woman’s intuition.” Her tone and expression turned serious again. “But yes, there is definitely something going on there. So with all that shit going on, plus the election, plus the media’s obsession with celebrities and who they’re doing…Jesse, sweetie, this is not going to end well at all. ”

I forced out a breath and sat back in my chair, letting my head fall back. “I don’t imagine it will. I’m just not sure what to do about it without making things worse.”

“I wish I knew,” she said, almost whispering.

“I guess it would simplify things if Anthony and I called it—”

“Oh, don’t even.”

“What?”

She laughed. “Jesse, I know you. You’d quit this election and become a hard-core Republican before you called it quits with Anthony.”

“Even if that’s the best solution?”

“Best for your campaign, maybe.” She shrugged. “But we’ve all seen what happens when you two try to break up.”

I furrowed my brow.

Ranya rolled her eyes. “Seriously? You didn’t think I caught on?”

“Uh, no.”

“I did. Trust me. And it didn’t work, did it?”

“No. I’m just not sure what else to do.” I scrubbed a hand over my face and sighed. “You know, policy making and all that shit is infinitely less complicated than this.”

“Jesse, darling, the study of nuclear physics is less complicated than your situation.”

I shot her a glare. “I meant relationships in general. This mess is…”

“A mess.”

“A mess, yes.”

“Understatement,” she said. “And it’s just going to keep getting worse. You know that, right?”

I nodded. “So what do I do? I don’t want to hurt Simone any more than I already have. I don’t want to lose Anthony. I just…” I blew out a breath and shook my head. “I’ll take any advice I can get right about now.”

“If it weren’t for all the political games you have to play,” she said, her voice gentle and sympathetic, “the answer would be obvious. Divorce Simone, let her go free, and then you and Anthony can do your thing with a clear conscience. But the election, that complicates things.”

“It does. And I’m open to suggestions.”

Ranya sighed. “If I had one, I’d share it, but I don’t have a clue how to clean all this up without someone getting hurt or blowing your chances at getting elected.”

I rubbed my forehead with two fingers but said nothing.

Ranya put her hand over mine, the gentle contact startling me. “I know you don’t need this on top of everything else. This is all obviously eating you alive, and the last thing you need is more guilt. But…”

I took a breath. “Go ahead. ”

She squeezed my hand. “Think of how you’re feeling tonight. While Anthony is out with Slade.”

“Okay…”

“Your significant other,” she said. “Out with someone else while you’re sitting back here wondering what’s going on, probably imagining more than you should if you want to stay sane.” Her eyebrows rose.

I watched her silently, waiting for her to finish the thought, but she said nothing. She watched me too, and something in her eyes told me all the pieces were there, the whole equation was written out, I just needed to put it all together. Make the connection. Figure out what—

I flinched. “Simone.”

Ranya nodded. “Yeah. For as much as she says she’s okay, you also insisted you’re okay with Anthony being out with Slade tonight.” When I winced, she said, “I’m sorry, Jesse. I know you don’t need that, but…neither does she.”

“No, she doesn’t.” I ran a hand through my hair. “Do you…do you really think this upsets her? Me being with him?”

“Definitely.”

“Even after she practically shoved me at him the day we met him?”

“Definitely. And she’s probably put on a smiling face and told you it’s okay and said she hopes you two are happy together too.”

“She did.”

“Not surprised at all,” Ranya said. “Look, she knows it’s over, but that doesn’t mean she’s happy about it.”

“Are either of us happy about it?”

“Of course not. It’s got to be hell for both of you. And knowing you’re with Anthony, knowing you’re as happy as you are with Anthony is just salt on the wound for her. Even if you’re okay with her seeing Dean, honey, she’s not as okay as you think she is about you seeing Anthony.”

I tapped my fingers on the stem of my wineglass. “And I’ve asked her time and again if any of this bothers her.”

“And haven’t you told me, time and again, that Simone isn’t very good at processing, let alone communicating feelings?”

I chewed my lip. “Good point. Still, I’ve honestly tried to be considerate of her. But you said yourself she’s seeing Dean. She’s moving on.” I searched Ranya’s eyes for agreement and found none. “Right?”

She took a breath. “Okay, call it some more women’s intuition. She’s got something going with Dean, but she’s not in love with him.” Ranya’s brow knitted together, and her tone was extra gentle as she said, “Not like she’s still in love with you.”

The words forced the breath out of my lungs.

“Or like you’re in love with Anthony,” she added.

“What? I’m— ”

“Jesse.” She eyed me. “Don’t even try to deny it. Just…don’t. I see it. Anthony probably sees it. And I know Simone sees it.”

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Whether or not I was in love with Anthony was another argument, but if Simone had picked up on something and it hurt her, the details and semantics didn’t matter.

“So I need to talk to her,” I said. “But…what do I say? I mean, what is there to discuss that isn’t already out in the open? Especially if she just keeps insisting she’s okay when we both know she isn’t?”

“Just let her know you still care about her. That she’s still important to you, and she’s not just there to be arm candy until after the election.”

“God.” I swallowed the lump trying to rise in my throat. “I want to say she knows that, but…maybe she doesn’t.”

“Even if she does,” Ranya said softly, “it wouldn’t hurt either of you for her to hear it again.”

“Good point.” I cleared my throat. “So what about Anthony?”

“What about him?”

“I mean, if this really does bother Simone that much, I don’t want to keep rubbing it in her face.”

Ranya shrugged. “Keep it on the down low just like you’ve been doing. She’s given you her blessing, so it’s not like you’re cheating, but if you and Anthony go out of your way to keep it off her radar as much as possible, that should take some of the sting out for her.” She paused. “And I suppose I’ve already thrown a bunch of unsolicited advice out there, so what’s a little more?”

I laughed quietly. “Don’t let me stop you.”

She smiled, but it was fleeting. “Listen, the way you feel about Anthony. Don’t…don’t let Simone see that any more than she already has. Keeping the whole thing with him on the down low is the best thing you can do for her, but especially that part.”

“Would it make a difference if I said I don’t even know how I feel about him?”

This time her smile came to life more fully, but it was almost a sad one. “I think you do know, Jesse. I can certainly see it.”

“Then how do I keep it from her?”

Ranya shook her head. “I don’t know. Play it cool around Anthony, don’t talk to her about him, keep those little floaty hearts from appearing over your head like they always do when he comes in the room.”

“Sounds easier said than done.”

“It is. But for Simone’s sake…”

“Yeah,” I whispered, staring into my wineglass. “For Simone’s sake.”