23. Skye

Overwhelmed didn't even begin to cover how Skye was feeling. The worry, grief and confusion. River had had a week of relief from his migraines, but they had been back in full force for several more weeks, now, with no explanation. He'd taken two days off of work to start out with, but when the pain hadn't subsided he'd struggled through the remaining weeks again. He'd seen a chiropractor to see if that would help, but it hadn't. He'd tried acupuncture and even botox injections. Neither one was covered by insurance and both had been in vain.

"I can't keep doing this, Skye," River cried as they lay in bed one evening. He was hugging Skye and Skye was rubbing circles on his back.

"I know, River," Skye said. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could fix it."

River sniffled. "I'm having a hard time," he said after a moment of silence. He pulled away, his breath hitching.

"I know," Skye said, rubbing River's arm with his hand.

River shook his head. "Not with the health stuff," he said. "I mean, yes, with the health stuff, but I mean with my faith. With everything that's been going on lately, with all of my health issues, I'm really having a hard time believing." He wiped tears from his eyes and sniffled again.

"Believing what?" Skye asked.

"That God cares about me," River said, his pain filled gaze meeting Skye's. Tears slid down his cheeks again. "That He loves me, that He's good…that He even exists," he said with a final breath. And he was sobbing now. "I feel like I'm losing my faith, and God, it fucking hurts. It's been everything to me for so long, and now it's just…it's fading, and I hate that. I just don't understand."

Skye didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to encourage River in this way, since his faith wasn't something they shared. But he did know he loved him, and he hated for River to lose something that had been so central to his life for so long, and had grounded him and helped him through some really difficult times in the past. So he took his boyfriend into his arms once again and held him as he sobbed.

"Don't give up, angel," he encouraged. "If there's one thing you've taught me through the years it's that just because your circumstances change it doesn't mean that God does, right? I don't get it either. It makes me angry, too. And confused. But maybe your story, your pain, can be used to encourage or help someone else? Maybe there's a bigger picture here that we can't see. And, I don't know. Maybe it's about faith and trust, not having all of the answers. Not saying it's not okay to be angry, ‘cause it is. And if you need to be angry or cry, I'm here for you. Just don't give up on your faith, River. It's brought you through so much. I'd hate to see you lose it now."

River

When they finally got in to see the neurologist, River was actually migraine free again. But he was not so ignorant this time as to assume they would stay away. The neurologist gave him a prescription to try for when the migraine started again and told him to take it as soon as he felt it coming on, and that if he didn't get relief in half an hour he could take another one.

River found out a week later that that didn't work either. And he was miserable for another three weeks until he could get back in to see the neurologist for a follow up to try something else. His migraines seemed to have a pattern of two to three weeks on, one week off, and they had gotten so bad this last time that he'd had to take several days off of work. He was running out of sick days and personal time off. If this kept up he'd have to take unpaid medical leave, and he didn't think he could afford that with all of the bills he had piling up from all of the doctor's visits and tests and lab work he'd had done in the last several months, not to mention the fact that he was still paying off his student loans from the seven years he'd been in school. This was starting to become the longest and worst year of his life.

Except for Skye. Skye was the one bright spot in all of his darkness. And for that, he was immeasurably thankful. Honestly, with everything River had going on, he wasn't one hundred percent sure why Skye still stuck around, why he still cared for him and loved him so fiercely. But he did. He kept sticking around, kept loving him, kept holding him, taking care of him, supporting him. And River couldn't believe that he was loved so deeply. And if there was any proof of God, that God still loved him, it was that he had Skye in his life to love him and walk through all of this with him.

When he finally got back to the neurologist, they offered him another medication to try. This one was a new one that they gave to patients who didn't respond to traditional migraine meds, and it was an injection that he would have shipped to his house and would have to administer to himself once a month. He was fine with that, and luckily didn't have an aversion to needles like Skye did, because this method never would have worked for him if he'd been the one with the debilitating migraines. The thought kind of made him smile until the doctor told him how much it would cost, and his heart fell into his stomach, because he wasn't sure he could afford it.

"Let me know if you want me to send the script over or not," the neurologist said. "I know it's costly but I think it's probably the best option for you."

River sighed as he stood and picked up his seat cushion, which he still got weird looks for, and left the doctor's office.

"Hey, River, how was it?" Skye asked, when River walked in the door of their condo after work. Fortunately today was one of his few non migraine days, so he wasn't as miserable as usual, but he was exhausted and stressed. He'd been trying to figure out all day what to do about the medication the doctor wanted to put him on. He desperately needed relief and at this point he was willing to try anything, but if he couldn't afford it, that was it. He needed to take a look at his finances, closely, and before another migraine hit.

"I don't know," he mumbled, slipping his shoes off.

"What do you mean?" Skye asked, looking at him warily.

River rubbed his eyes with his hands. "I just need to figure out some stuff," he said.

"What stuff? What did the doctor say?" Skye prodded.

River sighed. "She wants to put me on a new medication, but it's expensive. I have to figure out if I can afford it. I've had so many medical bills lately, and I'm still paying off my school debt." He sat on the couch and sighed. "I'm just stressed."

His gaze shot back up to Skye's when he heard him say, "I could help."

"What?"

"I could help," Skye repeated. He bit his lip, his hands in his pockets. "With the cost. If you can't afford it."

River blinked. "That's really sweet of you, Skye, but it"s okay. These are my bills and my meds, and my debt. It's my responsibility. I'll figure something out." He rubbed a hand over his forehead and stood up, letting out a breath, but Skye's next words had him right back on the couch, stunned speechless.

"You could marry me."

River's mouth gaped. The wheels in his head were spinning so fast. "What?" he asked eventually, when he could finally bring himself to form words.

"Marry me," Skye said again, earnestly this time. He sat down next to River and took his hand. "Then you won't feel bad about letting me help you pay for it. It won't be your debt or your bills anymore. They'll be our bills and our debt." His eyes danced over River's face. "Marry me," he said. "Please."

River swallowed hard. He opened his mouth but nothing came out for quite a while. "I…I," he started. "Skye, I don't…"

"River, I love you," Skye said. "I know this isn't the world's most romantic proposal, but it's the most sincere. I want to be married to you. Not just so you won't feel bad about taking my money. But because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Whatever you face I want to face it with you." He reached up and placed his hand on River's cheek, stroking it with his thumb. River swallowed again, but then he relaxed and leaned into the touch, even closing his eyes.

"Skye," he said softly, placing his hand on top of Skye's. The mood in the room had changed drastically in the last two minutes, from talking about bills to talking about marriage. And when he opened his eyes, and saw those beautiful emerald ones staring back at him, and felt the fluttering in his chest, he knew that this was what he wanted for the rest of his life too.

"Okay," he said, a smile spreading across his face. Then Skye's lips were on his, and they kissed hard and long.

"You're serious?" Skye said, pulling away eventually and pressing his forehead to River's, his breaths ragged.

"If you're sure you really want me."

Skye smiled. "I'm sure," he said, as tears fell down his cheeks. "God, River, I've never been so sure of anything in my life."

River smiled, too, but it quickly turned to a frown, causing Skye to pull away.

"What is it?" he asked, clasping River's hand in his.

River looked down, biting his lip. "Skye, you know I may not be ready for sex still, on our wedding night. I mean, I always thought I would be, back when I thought I would be marrying a woman, but now…" he trailed off, looking back up at Skye. "It might still take some time before I'm ready for that, and…that's not the reason for your proposal is it? Because if it is…I'm afraid you might be disappointed. Stuck with a chronically ill husband and lots of bills, and no sex. I mean, I'll try, and I'll work on it. I'll see a counselor for it if I need to. I will, Skye, cause I'd do anything for you, but, I just want you to understand that it might be a while…"

"River," Skye said, scooting closer to him again, their legs touching. "You don't have to be ready for anything on our wedding night, okay? You don't have to be ready for sex ever, if it's not something you want. That's not why I'm proposing. I do want you. Of course I do. I always have, but I think being married, knowing we don't have those boundaries anymore, might help you. Knowing you don't have to guard yourself, and you can look, and touch, and enjoy me freely, if you want to, uninhibited. Maybe you'll realize more of what you want, and if you really are scared or if you are just holding back because you feel like you have to. It's worth a shot, right? Either way, I want to be married to you." He planted a sweet kiss on River"s temple, and then another one on his cheek, and then his nose.

River closed his eyes again as Skye's lips brushed against his face, and he could feel himself getting hard all over again, and he knew what his body wanted, what his heart wanted. He just wasn't sure his mind would cooperate. But being married would give him the opportunity to find that out. It scared him a little bit, but it also excited him, the idea of being able to explore all that marriage had to offer with Skye. And knowing that Skye truly would be patient with him, and love him, and guide him through it.

"When should we get married?" Skye asked, pressing soft, addictive kisses to River's neck and jaw, making him harder still. He could hear Skye breathing in his scent and feel his nose against his bare skin even as Skye's lips brushed the short stubble on his face. He gasped and his dick twitched. God, he hoped being married to Skye would give him the courage to try being intimate. He wanted this man so much.

He was so gone on how Skye was making him feel that he almost didn't comprehend the question.

"Riv?" Skye said.

"Hmm?" he asked, and he heard Skye chuckle, his warm breath ghosting over River's neck, sending a shiver down his spine.

"When do you want to marry me, beautiful?"

River tried to catch his breath. "Um, tomorrow sounds good," he muttered, his heart racing and his cock throbbing now, as Skye pressed his palm to River's cheek and continued to lavish him with warm, soft kisses, even nibbling on his ear. It felt incredible. He didn't think he'd ever been so turned on in his life. Skye made him feel things, want things he'd never wanted before. He never thought another man would be able to make him feel this way, and that gave him hope. Hope that sex wasn't impossible.

"Tomorrow?" Skye said, pulling away. "Really?" His eyes danced over River's face again, as if to gauge his sincerity.

River blinked and nodded as he tried to catch his breath. "Yes, Skye, please? The only reason we're not going now is because the courthouse is already closed. But I've been too sick lately to try and plan a wedding. These migraines are so debilitating, and we still don't know if this new medication is even going to work. I want to marry you before they start up again. So, if in the morning I'm still migraine free, can we please go get married?"

Skye took River's face in his hands and kissed him. "Okay," he said, smiling. "You convinced me. I guess I better call my boss to tell him I need a personal day tomorrow. And then I better make a few other phone calls too. I think Jaden and Mom would be pretty upset if I didn't tell them I was getting married."

"And Nick and Jenna," River said, smiling so hard his cheeks hurt.

Skye grinned. "Definitely. If we don't tell them, Jenna will have our balls."

River laughed, and Skye made his phone calls. Jenna and Nick swore they were going to be at the courthouse in the morning to witness the nuptials, even if it got them fired, and they barely slept that night, curled up in each other's arms, smiling, kissing, brushing their faces together, sliding their legs in between each other's, holding each other close, because in the morning, they were getting married.