9. Alex

CHAPTER 9

The dinner at Le Creme was wonderful, but I can't shake the feeling that Kase is miles away from here. I don't know if it's my imagination or paranoia, but he seems preoccupied. It's not particularly unusual, but before I was assured that it was work or his way of finding how to avenge his father. But since, she entered in the picture it seems to be another thing considered. I know Kase has sowed his wild oats on multiple fields and why not, even without the power and money he holds, he exudes power. Even now as I dance, men and women use the chance to come on to him or send over drinks that he politely rejects. In those moments, I know he's mine, but when he stares off. In the distance, the doubt creeps in. I make my way back to the table mid-song. A guy approaches me, but I avoid him. I'm not exactly chopped liver but I know what I want, and I will have him. I just need to ride this out. No distractions, no doubts in his mind about my love and loyalty. I get into the booth and pull up close to him. I can feel the disappointment of a dozen hearts in the room, and it thrills me. He looks at me and smiles.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"What do you mean?"

"Babe, you're a million miles away." I tell him.

"It's scary how well you know me," He says and laughs.

"Is it her...?" I ask, dreading the answer.

"Who!?"

"Orla." I reply flatly.

"No, why would you think that? No. I was just thinking about Thursday. Wondering if perhaps you aren't right." He says, turning his drink in his hands.

"Right about what?" I ask.

"If this is a good idea or not? His father may be beleaguered now, but he's still a very powerful man and toying with him or antagonizing him when I have so much on the line. My dad always said that in seeking revenge, one always has to be careful of rousing slumbering monsters." He says.

"What did he mean?" I ask. I know the sleeping dog analogy, but not in this context.

"He told me that sometimes people get so blinded by the need for revenge that it makes them blind to the lines. In this world of mine family is sacrosanct. The only reason anyone is ok with how this has been squelched is because of my father's murder. What if I push it too far? What if I am going too far?" He looks off again. "My father would be disgusted by what I've done in his name."

I remain quiet when kase wants or needs feedback. Especially when he's processing something, needing it to be said out loud or talking it out. I just needed to listen and pay attention. Anything I say now won't be taken in the spirit it's meant. It won't be seen as trying to help or empathy. He'll perceive it as weakness and then he'll retreat. It will be days or weeks before this Kase comes back.

"I'm in pain and I don't feel like he's paid for what he did. The lines are blurry, and I don't know when I'm crossing the line that I can never come back from." He finishes and downs the remains of his drink. I get up and go to the bar to order another round. I don't need to ask, I know the routine. He'll drink until he forgets, and I'll drive us home, where he'll fall into bed. I'll lay beside him until I eventually fall asleep and, in the morning he'll act like this little dalliance never happened. Or he'll be different with his values and how he responds with his conscience. Which one it will be remains to be seen? for my part I hope he gets over it and sends her on her way so we can live our lives. At the very least, I can get started with my life. We are alike in many ways, we both have goals and dreams. It's selfish, but just like he has goals and dreams -so do I. Spending the next however many years of my life watching him chase his father's ghost and being a part of the world's worst threesome isn't part of the deal. I want Kase all to myself. I've only tolerated this because it's what he needs to do.

Idrive us home. He's not as drunk as usual, which is new to me and I'm out of my depths. He nods off and I'm comforted by that, at least. When we get home, he needs my help to get up the stairs and into bed. He's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I'm wired. Something is different and I don't know what it is. I thought I had a handle on all this and on Kase. II feel him slipping from my grasp and the usual things aren't working to interest him. Even though he denies it, I know it's her. I can feel it as surely as you know when your partner's cheating or your child is in danger. Something is shifting in our lives and our relationship, and it started the moment he became obsessed with bringing her here. It wasn't there in the months it took him to plot his revenge or following his discovery of her father as the man behind the botched deal that led to his dad's murder. He was rational and empirical until then, but the minute she was offered to him to squash the blood debt it changed.

She's beautiful, I have to admit, but that doesn't explain this because Kase has never been short on attention from beautiful men and women. I tried today to see what it was about her that has him questioning everything. He's a man who's always been assured of what he wants and knows himself. It's what attracted me to him, but she's made him question everything about himself and his life. The more he questions, the worse he behaves especially with her. It gave me pleasure in the beginning because I thought it was a sign of his hatred for her, but I can't convince myself of that anymore. It's as if she's holding a mirror to his face and forcing him to look at himself and while answering tough questions. Like a mid-life crisis for a 33-year-old. That in itself doesn't scare me because it will easily go away when she does, but what if she doesn't? And I'm the one that gets cut in his life evaluation and inventory. I've invested too much time and effort into getting us to where we are now to give up or walk away with nothing. I've risked too much to be here and until this is over, I'm still risking everything, including my life. If this blows up, I'm the one that's going to take the hit. I knew it the night he made his way to me across the dancefloor. The first time we were together. I was there to find out how much intel he knew finding myself drawn in and too deep to walk away.