7. Kase

CHAPTER 7

Walking through the atrium, I see Alex checking on the progress of the landscaper. He's been a useful addition to me, and I have grown rather fond of him. I know he wants, and needs, more of me, but I'm not sure I'm ready to give it. I used the excuse of the world I inhabit, but it's not the truth. It's just what I've always used to keep my male partners at bay over the years. Nothing keeps commitment talks off the table like fear of death at the hands of a criminal organization. So far it's worked, but Alex is the first man that I've felt even slightly close to letting down my guard for and dispensing with the rule. The first one who not only didn't mind my proclivities, but could match me kink for kink. He goes a little overboard where the girl is concerned. My plan is to punish her father - let him not have a moment's rest as he's assaulted by thoughts of what depravities I'm wreaking on his little girl. She's a weapon in a much larger arsenal -part of a plan that will see him driven to his knees and wiped out, not by me but by his own hand. He'll pay for what he's done to my family for taking my father from me and causing me to be an orphan who had to conquer a world that I had no interest in becoming a part of until my father's death. He needs to know and feel how his actions changed not only my life but his daughter's too. With that he can live with the consequences until it becomes too much he doesn't want to live through it anymore.

My mind wanders upstairs to where she is. Alex has already spoken to her and says she's clear on what's expected of her and the point of the dinner. He says she might toe the line. A guard would seem odd on a secured property, and he's suggested being at her side to prevent any slips about her or our arrangement. It makes sense, so I don't know why part of me is fighting against it. It bugs me that despite everything, I still struggle to trust him and let him in, to love him. He's been clear about his desire for us to build a life together and even his acceptance of her as my wife, at least on paper. I couldn't ask for a more accepting and accommodating partner but still a part of me hangs back, a part of me resists. He knows it and it hurts him, I can tell, but I don't know how else to be or act. I cannot fake love or intimacy -they're strangers to me. I've only ever loved myself and my family. Everyone else was just passing through. I live my life by a certain code and that means that the white picket fence will never be my destination.

I go upstairs and get ready for an evening out with Alex. I've been promising some time alone again for a couple of weeks. He deserves to have it for all the sacrifices he's made to make this insane situation work because he knows and understands that I need it. I think he hopes that once I get it out of my system and I've avenged my father, I can move on - to him and a life together. That's part of what I find refreshing about him. He doesn't fear me and says what he thinks and means. There's no guile or pretense and I know where I stand with him at all times. In my world, that's refreshing. The people I've grown up with and now surround myself with are always on guard and make sure that you never know where you stand and that you have no indication of their emotions or intentions. It's a survival skill. The life we've chosen. Nobody questions it or talks about it - it just is, and we get on with business. Some, like me, never let the mask drop because our private lives need to be handled in the same way.

I take a shower and use the time to clear my head as the warm water pummels my body like a million tiny masseuse hands. It works and emerges clear headed and actually excited about spending a night out on the town. I haven't decided what to do beyond dinner at Le Creme. It's Alex's favorite French bistro. After that, maybe a bar or clubbing. I'll let him decide. He's the one that loves to dance and party. I could happily stay in and watch TV or read a book. It makes no difference to me, but I've seen how he goes stir crazy after a few days. I guess He's good for me in that way- brings me out of my shell. The night we met was an absolute fluke. I usually just go online and find someone when the need arises. Since my father's murder, I haven't wanted or been able to tolerate more than that, but that night the walls seemed to be closing in on me. I needed people or anonymity - I don't know which even now. I hadn't thought of hooking up, but when I saw him on the dance floor; I was drawn to him. The most beautiful women in the city were there, and I had my pick, but it was him that I wanted. He made me work for it though -he thinks I don't know- he would only make occasional eye contact and once a wry smile and then he would either turn back to his drink or the dance floor. When I saw him at the bar and he looked at me, daring me to approach. With that I went over to him and that was the beginning of something new.