5. Orla

CHAPTER 5

My neck aches and I struggle to sleep with the device poking the thin skin above my throat. I hear them return from the shower and pray silently that they will let me out, if only for a moment. If only to clean myself. I can't endure my stink anymore. They crawl into bed and in a matter of minutes; I hear their sleep sounds. Alex snores while Kase has a soft and slow, melodic hum to his sleep. My arms are pressed against the sides of the box, but they're free. I try to make as little sound as possible as I wriggle to free one and raise it to my neck. I move the device a little to the side of my face. The feeling of relief almost makes me feel grateful. I can't believe that I'm feeling grateful for not being in extreme pain even while I'm still confined and in less pain. I know that I should try to get some sleep, but the fear of the horrors that await me tomorrow makes sleep a dream. The smell of ammonia from my piss burns my nostrils and stings my eyes. I can't see anything in front of me and can only feel be my breath as it ricochets off the lid of this coffin.

Iwake when I feel the coffin being pulled and scramble to move the device back into position. It's not as easy as I thought, but the fear of what the consequences will be for removing it makes me careless. I pierce my skin trying to position it, but I swallow the pain and focus on looking as though it's been in that position all night. I pray that it's Kase who opens the box and not Alex. Even though he's the one who put this thing on me as a punishment for screaming in terror -he's still the kinder of the two. I've come to live with a very broad definition of kindness in my time here. This was a harsh and unforgiving place and kindness was sometimes food, water or even a few minutes between horrors. God forgive me but I hate my father for this and curse my mother for bringing me into the world only to endure this as my fate. A lifetime spent paying for sins that aren't my own. I didn't kill Kase's father or cause him to be killed, but I have to serve the sentence. The fact that this betrayal is at my father's hands is all the more painful. I know things happen in business, especially his business, but to give me away as collateral without a thought of what these deranged men would subject to me is hard to bear.

The lid opens and my heart sinks as Alex's hazel colored eyes - cold green with only hints of brown on the edges- stare down at me.

"Get out." He commands. "Kase wants you to clean yourself up and your room as well." He laughs, then lifts his hands to my face, and I recoil. He removes the device and throws it across the room. "Go."

I move quietly but quickly out of the room, more out of fear of him changing his mind and subjecting me to some vile act or punishment, to the room that I've been told is where I will spend my time when I'm not in the box. It's also where I clean myself and the box. I'm able to drag it behind me. It's light but sturdy, but today my body aches. I don't know how long I've been in the box, except that it was light when I was placed in it yesterday and that I was there throughout the night. I reach the room and start by cleaning the box. I have everything I need here in this bare room. It's only a little cheerier than the jail cells I've seen on television. There's one window at least, which is something, I guess. I don't know how long I have before he summons me again or Kase returns and the two of them concoct some plan or scheme. I pray that they have plans and go out. When he's being taken out on the town by Kase, Alex is more pleasant, and the cruelty abates for a little while- often they'll even allow me to stay in the room and once they forgot about me and I slept in a bed for the first time in a month. I clean the box and pray that the smell of lavender and lemons clings to it for a while. It helps when I'm in there. I close my eyes and take myself back to my grandmother's estate and its lavender fields and lemon orchards. I imagine myself running wild and free the way I did as a child and it's amazing- until the smell fades and I'm tugged back to the cold, harsh reality of the box. Most days I can hold out and not soil myself, but yesterday - I think it was yesterday- I just couldn't hold it anymore. It was the last semblance of dignity that I had, and it broke me when I lost it. I hated the look of satisfaction that crossed Alex's face when he opened the box and scrunched up his face. He knew they'd won. I knew I'd lost. The battle for my physical body was lost that day, but I clung hard and desperately to my mind, dignity and emotions. I refused to be broken, but that battle is lost now. First with pissing myself and then when the fear of a snake outside the box made me scream out in terror in a way that neither of them had ever caused me to do - no matter how hard they tried.

The knock at the door sends chills through me. I haven't even had the time to towel off. I quickly get into a t-shirt and jeans and answer the door so that he doesn't knock twice. He eyes me up and down.

"The kitchen staff will bring your food up in a couple of hours, and then you and I need to get you ready for your first public appearance as Kase's new wife. He's having a dinner party on Thursday night." He doesn't wait for me to ask a question or respond. It wasn't a request.

I go to the bed and lay down. It's not the best bed, but it's better than the box. Someone has changed the sheets and comforter since I slept here last. I'm grateful for the respite. A knock at the door announcing my food wakes me. I have no appetite but know that I must eat. I open the door and smile warmly as the maid brings in the tray. She knows she's not to make conversation or even address me. I learned the hard way that I'm to smile and not engage with the staff, either. Kase doesn't feel the need to present a front to them and neither does Alex. Like me, they are below them and none of us question it. The dinner is a sideways move and I force myself not to think about it too much. Just keep your head down and do as you're told. Maybe they'll get tired of me or bored and just leave me? Even as I think about it and ask, I know that it's a na?ve dream. The only way that I'll leave this place is if he lets me or in a box. Blood debt.