21. Kase

CHAPTER 21

Iwait in the solarium for Orla to join me for breakfast. It's the part of the house that's far from where I killed Alex. I'm still plagued by questions and musings about us what was real and what wasn't. It will take me a while to figure out and for now I need to focus on making amends to the woman upstairs. No matter what I've been through or who I've lost, the only actual victim here is Orla. A complete innocent, subjected to the horrors of our depravity and her only crime is being the daughter of a man who took responsibility for something that wasn't his fault.

He's old school Joe, and he raised a wonderful daughter. I can at hope it helps mend their relationship by being open about what went down with her dad and the arrangement. Her mom's role; her relationship with her mother might not be salvageable and she may never trust me again. There's still hope for her and her father. Maybe it's because I don't have the chance to be with my dad again or maybe it's simply just the right thing to do. I don't know, but I have to try. I know forgiveness may not be on the cards, but redemption might be up for grabs. That's what I'm hoping at least. She can't remember me as a monster.

She comes down after a few minutes and we wait for breakfast to be brought in so I can I apologize to her because I didn't ask what she wanted by leaving the normal order, which was Alex's favorite.

"Don't worry about it." She says.

"Thanks."

'Listen, about your family..." I start and she looks down. "I think you need to know what happened."

She waves her hand.

"That's not necessary, really." She protests.

"Ok. How about you? Let me tell you what went down, and you decide what you want to do with that information." I offer.

She nods, but I can see she's still conflicted.

"When I thought that your father was responsible for my father being murdered; he tried everything, offered me anything I wanted to make up for it. He took responsibility for what happened to my dad because he believed that when he walked out of the meeting that night, it set the Russians off and they killed my father." I pause to see if she's taking any of this in. The chef brings in our food and I wait until he's done before I continue. She takes a sip of orange juice. "Anyway, I rejected every offer he made because I was hurt and lashing out but I wanted him to suffer. I didn't know that he already was. I saw your photo on the mantel behind him at one of our meetings, and that's when the idea was formed. It's obvious he loves you deeply. He lights up at the mere mention of your name. He rejected the offer. It was your mother who wore him down and convinced him to make you do it."

She sits quietly for a while and moves her food around the plate. She spears a mushroom and plops it into her mouth.

"That tracks." She smiles and shakes her head.

"It does?" I ask, confused.

"Yes. It's complicated and the subject of ongoing therapy. This should ensure that I'm on that couch until I'm 85." She laughs.

"I'm sorry."

"No need. It's just the way it is."

"It's hard to wrap your head around it." I say, finally diving into my breakfast.

"Maybe for a person who had normal and only mildly disappointing parents. Not a mother who is overly critical and sees you as competition for her husband's affection." She says. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure. What do you want to talk about?" I don't look up from my eggs.

"You still haven't told me about what happened that night and how Alex fits into the picture?"

"Wow. You don't beat about the bush, do you? Ok. Here goes."

I spend the next couple of hours unpacking the whole sordid debacle out for her. She listens and doesn't say a word. She just nods and takes it all in, none of it surprises her by then she grew up in this world and tried to leave it behind until I dragged her back into it in the harshest way possible. I wouldn't be surprised if after I let her go, she just keeps running until she hits a different ocean. I wonder about turning my back on this world and this life for a moment too. It was never my desire to live in this world after college and for a while I didn't and I was happy. I haven't thought about that time in years, and it feels good to remember now. Not shut the door to stop from pining for it. She finishes her food and sits back.

"Have you had enough?" I ask.

"Yes, I'm stuffed and tired. It's weird." She says.

"Not really. We've discussed a lot of heavy subjects and you've been through the ringer, no thanks to me. I just hope that one day you can forgive me and give me a chance to earn your trust."

She doesn't say anything. Maria comes to clear the table and tells me that there's a call for me. The person insisted on holding.

"Will you excuse me, please? This might take a while." I say to Orla.

"That's ok, I'm going to go up to my room and rest. I think you're right about the exhaustion catching up with me." She says.

We spend the next few days getting to know each other and having long conversations. I don't know if I've managed to earn her trust or if she'll ever be able to forgive me but I've tried. I know she's reached out to her dad to let him know that she's ok. She's still not ready to see him and refuses to return home. She's adamant that some things that are broken aren't supposed to be fixed.

"You can love people and know that they cannot be a part of their world where they don't fit in yours." She tells me one night over dinner. "I know this sounds weird; but I love my mom, but our lives work better when we're not around each other. She's happier and more secure about her place in my father's heart and affections. It may sound crazy and irrational, but it's who she is and I'm not going to change her. So, I have two choices; I can spend my life trying and failing while making both of us miserable or I love her for who she is and give her what she needs to be that."

I look at her for the longest time before speaking.

"I've already told your father, and now I need to tell you. I'm giving you your freedom. You can leave whenever you want." Her eyes fill with tears.

I know this life isn't what she wants but she's right about giving the person you love - what they need to be who they want to be in life. It's the ultimate act of love. Freedom.