28. Hudson

Chapter Twenty-Eight

HUDSON

While I was valiantly trying to keep my emotions at bay, I knew I was treading in risky waters. Every single night, my need for Stella pounded like a drum in my body, the crescendo getting louder and louder by the night. I couldn’t wait to get home. To Stella.

And yet, I knew it was a problem. I thought about her whenever there was a spare moment. The idea of not falling asleep with her curled up against my side, or me spooning her from behind, was something I didn’t even like thinking about.

Spring was coming. Soon, I would be gone for weeks at a time. I would miss her. I’d never been in love, so I had nothing by which to measure my feelings for her. If I wasn’t already in love with her, I knew I was well on the way. I wondered if the fall included a rock bottom where my heart cracked into a million pieces.

I didn’t know if it was conscious on her part, or mine, but we were both keeping conversations to the surface. We talked about our lives superficially. I didn’t tell her about my past and I was still anxious about it. I feared her judgment and what it might mean for us.

In the small town of Willow Brook, our social circles overlapped, but our encounters were passing in town. We had yet to be open about what was happening.

If any of our mutual friends suspected anything, there was only one person who commented on it. One morning, I was at Firehouse Café getting two trays of coffee for the station.

Janet smiled over at me when I handed her a slip of paper with a list of drinks. Her eyes twinkled. “Good thing you got here during a quiet time.”

“We have a meeting, so lots of coffee is needed,” I explained.

“Understood.” She began prepping the coffees. “Would you like some donuts?” she asked.

“Donuts? Is this a new thing?” I waggled my brows.

Janet tapped a button on the espresso machine. “Sure is. A woman who moved to town is starting a bakery. She’s using the space next door for now. It’s gonna be a bit before it’s up and running, so I told her she could do some baking here. She made a bunch this morning. They are delicious, I promise.”

“Give us two boxes. You know how many firefighters there are,” I said dryly. “They’ll be gone within the hour, if not sooner.”

I paid with the wad of cash the guys had thrust at me on my way out of the station.

“Tell me something,” Janet said while she continued getting drinks ready.

“What’s that?”

“What’s up with you and Stella?”

If I thought I could play it cool, Janet caught me off guard. “What?” I sputtered, my eyes going wide.

Her grin was sly. “I knew something was up.”

“Janet,” I warned.

“I like Stella, and I like you.”

I laughed softly as I shook my head. “Of course you noticed something. Look, it’s not public knowledge and—” I let out a breath. “I don’t really know what to say the status is with us because, well, because I don’t know.”

Janet studied me while she tucked the various coffees into one of the trays. “What’s your story?”

“Uh, what do you mean?”

“Everybody has a story about why they don’t want to fall in love, or why they want to avoid complications. I might be old, but I understand the heart pretty well. When I was young, I was an idiot.”

“I don’t even know how old you are,” I pointed out.

“It’s more than six and a half decades. Anyway, my parents had a shitty marriage.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I began.

She waved dismissively. “It wasn’t like they beat me or each other, but they didn’t like each other. They weren’t of the generation to get divorced, but I wish they had. I was kind of stupid when I was younger. I was always looking for someone who wanted to commit too soon. After I broke my own heart a few times, I got lucky and I met my husband. He was a good man. It took us a little bit to figure things out because I was a little cynical by then. I still miss him.” Her eyes were bright with tears.

“What happened?” I asked softly.

I knew Janet’s husband had passed away, but I didn’t know what had happened.

“He was one of those ice road truckers, you know how they have the reality show now?” At my nod, she continued, “He died in an accident one winter. I miss him, but I’ll always be grateful for the time we had.”

“I’m sorry,” I offered, feeling as if that was completely inadequate.

“Thank you,” she said softly. She was quiet for a moment as she finished getting another drink ready and slid the second tray over to me. Her gaze was perceptive as she held mine. “Maybe I don’t know all the details and you don’t have to tell me, but I’ll say this, no matter what your story is, if it feels right with someone, it’s worth the risk.”

I swallowed and took an unsteady breath. “You think?”

“I know it is,” she said firmly.

I ended up telling Janet my story, including my beyond-stupid choices in high school. I didn’t tell her the whole truth though. I left out that I was afraid I didn’t have it in me to be a partner to someone. I’d never witnessed a healthy relationship, so it felt foreign to me.

But maybe Janet was right, maybe it could be different for me.