5. Chapter 5

Oh God, not again.

I've started hallucinating again, haven't I? I haven't seen him in months, why is he back? And since when does he knock instead of just popping up? My subconscious has conjured him up again because of the guilt I'm feeling over what happened with Oscar. That's why he's back, I know it.

My heart pounds in my chest while I shake my head in disbelief and take a step back on unsteady legs. The shattered glass scattered across the floor is momentarily forgotten until one jagged piece stabs into the bottom of my bare foot. A searing pain shoots through me, but it pales in comparison to the shock and disbelief coursing through my veins as I stare into the eyes of my supposedly deceased husband.

My body freezes as I try to process what I am seeing, my mind unable to comprehend how he could be standing here before me when I was told he had died. In this moment, not even the sharp shard embedded in my skin can distract me from the overwhelming flood of emotions washing over me as I gape at him, afraid to even blink in fear that he will disappear once again. Dean's eyes lower to the floor and he takes a step into the house, the glass crunching under his black trainers. "JJ," Dean says again while I tip my head back to stare up at him wide-eyed.

"You're... n-not… you c-can't be …" I squeak incoherently while standing in a pool of my own blood that's seeping from the cut on my foot. I'm sure I can feel my nervous system shutting down and the last of my sanity leaving me whilst I gape at him.

"JJ," Dean lifts his hands and places them on either side of my face, they're ice cold and damp against my warm skin. He stares into my eyes while he speaks slowly. "Breathe, baby. You're in shock, but it's okay, I'm here, I'm real and I'll explain everything to you, but you've cut your foot and you're bleeding."

"Dean…" I whisper, my eyes brimming with tears as I lift my hands, my fingers tremble as I touch his face. Dean's eyes close at my touch and he swallows thickly as he leans into my hand. "You're not real… y-you can't be real, you died," I whisper, looking over his handsome face as my fingers trace every line and curve of his face. "I'm hallucinating again. You're not real. You'll leave me again like you always do."

Dean opens his eyes and looks at me again, "Jeyla, I'm real baby, you're not hallucinating. I didn't die, I'm right here. Here, look..." He takes my hand and presses it to his chest above his heart. I can feel his heartbeat under my palm, and I shake my head, my lip quivering as tears spill over and roll down my face. "You feel that? Can you feel my heart beating for you baby girl? I'm real, I'm right here."

"No," I gasp, shaking my head. "No, you died , they told us that your plane crashed, and you died. We had a f-funeral, I-I- buried y-you." I sob, my fingers curling into his hoodie while I gaze up into those beautiful green eyes that I never thought I'd see again. Though his eyes that were usually bright and full of life, are now like windows to a deeper, untold story. Sunken and shadowed with dark circles betraying the restless nights he must have endured. There's a haunted, distant gaze lingering in their depths, hinting at something that still haunts him.

"I know, baby, I know and I'm going to explain everything to you, I promise, but right now I need to look at your foot, okay?" My entire body is trembling uncontrollably as Dean sweeps me into his arms bridal style, kicks the door shut with his foot and carries me into the house.

Dean's alive .

Have I finally lost my mind? Is this just another figment of my traumatized imagination, creating a false sense of reality? Have I finally snapped under all the trauma I've suffered lately. Because my fragile mind refuses to believe he's real and standing before me. Even if I can feel every beat of his heart under my hand or feel the warmth of his breath on my face and smell his aftershave as he carries me straight to the kitchen. I know it can't be real, but I want it to be. I want it to be real so bad. I'm terrified he's going to disappear on me or I'm going to wake up from whatever dream or psychotic episode I'm having at the moment.

Maybe I have lost touch with reality, but if he is going to disappear on me again, I want to savour every moment of whatever this is.

I watch him mutely as he sets me on the kitchen island and moves with purpose around the kitchen, looking though the cupboards in search of something.

Even as my blood drips slowly onto the white floor from the cut on my foot, I can't feel any pain. My body is numb, except for the endless stream of warm tears cascading down my cheeks.

Dean's heavy footsteps echo against the tiled floor as he approaches me, holding a first aid box in his hand. I can't help but watch his movements, transfixed by the sound of his trainers squeaking against the tiles as he walks.

Kneeling in front of me, Dean gently lifts my injured foot to inspect the wound. As he does, I hear the familiar patter of Lex's steps as he comes running into the kitchen. His barks are ferocious and threatening as he stands guard beside me.

But then, I realize that Lex can see Dean too. Does that mean he was actually here?

Dean holds out his hand to the dog speaking in a soothing tone. "Hey, hey, it's okay buddy. I'm not hurting her." To my amazement, Lex's growls subside, and he cautiously approaches Dean, sniffing him curiously. "Is this the puppy I got you for our three-month anniversary?" Dean questions with a smile as he pets Lex's head who instantly calms down under his touch.

I only manage a nod, unable to form words while I watch them interact.

Dean's gentle touch grazes over the smooth, blue collar around Lex's neck. The pendant, emblazoned with Lex's name, dangles delicately between his fingers. Turning to me with a small smile, he asks, "You named him Lex? The moment I saw him I knew you would love him just as much as you did my Lex back then."

My silence causes Dean's smile to falter, and a deep sadness overcomes his expression as he turns his attention back to my foot and carefully removes a piece of glass. With a disinfectant wipe in hand, he gently cleans the blood and examines the wound closer. "It looks like a puncture wound. Luckily, it doesn't seem too deep, so stitches won't be necessary. Just some pressure and a bandage should do the trick," he explains as he tears open a packet of sterile bandages and wraps it around my injured foot. "We'll need to keep an eye on it though, make sure it doesn't get infected," he adds with concern in his voice. The warmth of his touch and the care in his actions soothe me, reminding me why I fell in love with him in the first place.

After he's secured the bandage Dean lifts my leg and presses a kiss to my ankle before he stands and takes a step closer to brush my tears away with his fingers. I draw in a quivering breath when I feel his touch against my skin. As I lean into his touch, I cry, "Please, God, let this be real. Please don't let this be another dream."

"It's not a dream, JJ," Dean whispers, his voice filled with love and conviction as he presses his forehead against mine, his warm breath fanning over my face. "I'm right here. I'm alive and I've come back home to you, baby girl."

His muscular arms wrap around me protectively as I sink into him, my own arms wrapping tightly around his neck, his hoodie still soaked from the rain feels ice cold against my skin. I bury my face into the crook of his neck and sob despairingly, overwhelmed with so many emotions, especially being enveloped in his arms once again when I thought I would never feel the comfort and shelter only his embrace offers ever again.

"They told us that you had died in that crash with no chance of survival. I-I don't understand… h-how…" Dean's arms tighten around me as I weep into his neck, my words coming out like muffled whimpers. Dean pulls back and takes hold of my face; his emerald eyes pooled with tears as he gazes into my own tearful ones.

"Shh, I know baby, I'm going to explain everything I promise you, just…" he states as he brushes damp stands of my hair away from my face. "Let me look at you." Dean's eyes scan my face while his finger lightly traces the curve of my lower lip, "I've missed you so fucking much, JJ. I've quite literally been through absolute hell and back and in my absolute darkest moments when I was sure I wasn't going to make it, it was this angelic face that kept me going." Dean affirms, his nose brushing over mine as he speaks to me quietly. "If I'm alive today it's because of you. Your love gave me the strength I needed to keep fighting until I was able to come back home to you."

"I can't believe you're really here." I cry, curling my fingers at his nape. "I didn't want to believe that you really were gone, I couldn't accept it because I knew, I knew in my heart that you would never leave me. I just, I don't understand how, how have you been alive this entire time? You could have called me and said you were coming home? Why didn't you? Dean, please, say something. Tell me something, because I feel as though I'm about to lose my fucking mind." My heart is racing, and my mind is reeling as I cling to him, desperate for some kind of explanation. "Losing you… it broke me. I didn't want to live. I didn't want to go on without you. I didn't. I couldn't bear the pain, Dean, I just wanted to be with you."

Dean pulls me into his arm and holds me while I sob inconsolably in his arms. "Hey," Dean's voice is gentle yet firm as he draws back slightly to lift my head and meet my tear-filled gaze. The corners of his own eyes glisten with tears, mirroring the pain etched upon my face. "You listen to me; don't you ever say things like that. No matter what happens to me, you live on , do you understand? Your life doesn't end with mine, JJ."

"You were my life, Dean," I confess with a whimper. "I didn't know that I was breathing solely for you until you were gone. Every breath I took after felt like a sledgehammer to my chest." Tears of despair roll down Dean's cheeks while he listens to me. The credence of my words seems to crush him as he realizes the depth of my pain. "And if I hadn't found out I was pregnant, I…" I declare with a shake of my head, stuck reliving the anguish I that suffered over losing him all over again. Dean opens his mouth to speak, but the sound of DJ's cry stops him.

Dean's gaze shifts towards the living room where our son's wails echo through the house. "Is that..." he begins to ask. I nod mutely, unable to form any words in that moment. Dean wipes away the tears that roll down his cheek and smiles. Through the shock of Dean's unforeseen return from the dead, DJ's existence very fleetingly slipped my mind.

" We have a baby?" Dean says lifting his hands and cupping my face while he gazes into my tear-filled eyes.

"A son." I reply quietly. "We have a son. Dean Jr, who I named after his late father. The father I thought he would never get a chance to meet." The gratified smile on Dean's face vanishes and it's quickly replaced with one of deep sorrow. "The father I hoped he would grow up to be just like. If you only knew just how many nights I spent praying for this," I explain leaning into his touch when his thumbs affectionately caress my jawline. "For you to be back with me… with us ."

"I know, baby girl, because I was praying for the same thing, every minute of every day, because every hour that I had to spend apart from you was a fate worse than hell for me."

A surge of anger and hurt bulges in my chest as I stare at Dean, tears stinging my eyes. "Then why did you, Dean?" I ask, "If you've been alive this entire time why didn't you come home sooner?"

In the midst of our conversation, DJ's whimpers escalate into full-blown cries, and I feel a pang of guilt for neglecting him. With a resigned sigh, I slide off the kitchen counter, momentarily forgetting about the sharp cut on my foot. As it comes into contact with the floor, a searing pain shoots through me and I wince, gritting my teeth against it.

I can't think straight with him being this close to me. I need to put some space between us before I lose what little sanity I have left.

I limp through the kitchen, careful not to put any weight onto my injured foot and rush into the living room where I left him in his playpen. I can hear Dean's footsteps following me as I lean over and lift DJ up into my arms and rub his back to soothe him.

"It's okay, baby. Mama is here," I whisper softly, pressing kisses to his temple. As I turn to look at Dean, tears pool in his beautiful green eyes as he approaches me. His face is a canvas of emotions, making it hard to focus on just one. For a moment he just stands there closely observing me holding DJ, as if he's trying to carve the memory deep into his brain. He reaches out to touch DJ's little hand, his gaze transfixed on our son.

"JJ, he's..." Dean shakes his head in awe as he reaches out to touch DJ's tiny hand. "Oh my God, he's just... perfect." A radiant smile spreads across his face as he strokes DJ's hand. "Hi, DJ."

I nod, rocking DJ gently in my arms. "Your mum said he looks just like you when you were a baby." DJ's little fingers wrap around Dean's finger, and he smiles broadly, tears rolling down his eyes. "Do you want to hold him?" Dean drags his eyes from DJ to look at me and eagerly nods.

"Of course I do," Dean reaches out and takes DJ from my arms and presses a lingering kiss to the top of his head, his eyes closed. "Hey, little man. I'm your Dad. You have no idea how much I have been dying to meet you and hold you. I know I've missed so much of your life already, but I'm home. Daddy is home, son, and I promise I'm going to protect you and Mummy with my life."

My emotions bunch up and choke me as the lump in my throat thickens while I watch Dean holding our son for the first time. Tears well up in my eyes as I watch Dean bond with DJ, overwhelmed by the intense emotions consuming me. My heart feels like it's going to stop altogether or burst with elation for witnessing this beautiful moment between father and son. It's surreal, because this is a moment I never in my wildest dreams imagined would ever happen. If this isn't real and I truly am having some kind of episode, I don't ever want to wake up. If someone asked me what my happy place is, I would say this, right now.

God, please, please I'm begging you with my whole heart don't take this from me. I've suffered enough, please let me have this.

I want to believe it's real. Although Dean keeps assuring me that it is, after all the trauma and suffering I have endured, my mind refuses to accept it. I'm absolutely terrified of waking up from whatever this is to find he's just another figment my mind conjured up.

I'm so engrossed in their moment that I don't even notice I'm quietly sobbing until Dean circles his arm around me and pulls me against his chest. His protective embrace encompasses both me and our son, creating a sense of safety and warmth that I never want to leave. "Come here, baby girl." As he presses a tender kiss to my forehead, Dean's words wash over me like a soothing balm. "Thank you for giving me the greatest gift a man could ever ask for," he says, his voice filled with emotion. "And for choosing to love me unconditionally despite all the odds against us." He gazes into my eyes with such intensity that it takes my breath away. "I'm crazy about you, baby."

And there it is… those five words I have been longing to hear. Christ, just hearing them is enough to break me. Before I can respond Dean leans in and brushes a tender kiss to my lips. My eyes close, and my lips readily welcome him as Dean's lips capture mine in a gentle yet passionate kiss. My senses are overwhelmed by the taste of him, the feel of his lips moving against mine with such familiarity and tenderness makes me ache deeply.

My pulse thunders in my ears so loudly my senses don't pick up the sound of the front door opening, and the footsteps followed by Oscar's panicked voice calling out my name which snaps us back to reality. "Jeyla?!"

Dean and I jump apart, startled by the sudden interruption. My body tenses instinctively, pulling away from Dean's grasp as Oscar enters the living room. His usually composed face is etched with worry, but it quickly contorts into one of shock when he stops dead in his tracks in the living room doorway as Dean turns to face his big brother. Their eyes lock in a tense and silent exchange. The air in the room suddenly shifts and almost feels charged with unspoken tension. I see the colour drain away from Oscar's face and the gym bag hanging on his shoulder slips off and hits the floor with a dull thud while he stares unblinking at his younger brother.

"Dean…" Oscar whispers, his soft brown eyes pooling with tears. A sense of relief comes over me when I realize that I'm not the only one that can see him.

"Hey, Bro." Dean greets his brother with a smile and hands DJ back to me. Oscar's gaze shifts to me and DJ and he shakes his head before he looks back at Dean again.

"I… you're…" Oscar stammers, pressing his hand over his mouth, his eyes as wide as saucers while he stares utterly dumbfounded at his younger brother. "Fuck, how are you…"

Dean lets out a heavy sigh, his hand rubbing the tense muscles in the back of his neck. "It's... a long story," he begins, his voice filled with hesitation. "I can't go into too much detail right now, but I promise to explain everything." Oscar shakes his head, his expression a mix of concern and understanding. In two fluid strides, he crosses the room and pulls Dean into a tight hug. I press my nose into DJ's soft hair as I watch the two brothers embrace in that familiar, masculine way. The tension in the room dissipates as they hold onto each other; their bond unbreakable. I can see the relief flooding over Oscar's face, a look that words could never fully capture. Until his eyes open and they lock with mine over Dean's shoulder. The relief on his face is palpable as he sees his brother, alive and well. But behind that look is a sense of guilt, visible in the way his eyes meet mine. The weight of our actions the other day and the unresolved not-so platonic feelings between us now feel heavier on our shoulders with Dean's return.

There are so many things left up in the air, I don't know which one to focus on.

Do I just ignore the feelings and what happened with Oscar and focus on Dean, or do I come clean and tell Dean what happened between me and his brother?

Shit.