Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Four

Shy and the Aftermath

I’ve seen the inside of Elite Cain’s office more times in the last month than I have since I took my oath to become a shadow knight-in-training at twelve. The marble from the wall presses into my skin, and my arms sting where Lily’s nails pierced it.

I am in so much trouble.

We all are—me, Natalie, Jacobi, and he’s not even conscious.

An innocent kid died tonight, and Lily’s corpse was reanimated with her soul—a soul that was subsequently shattered. Anora was trying to help, but her ignorance about her powers means Lily is tethered to this world in pieces, pieces that can never be reclaimed. Someone’s going to have to tell Lily’s father. How many people in the world have to experience the death of their daughter twice? My chest hurts.

I sag against the cold marble. It’s an awkward angle, but I don’t care, because it’s the only thing I feel at the moment, and it’s the only thing grounding me to this spot.

Beside me, Natalie leans forward, elbows on her knees. Her eyes glisten. I haven’t seen her cry often, but tonight did us all in. There are things we’ve seen on our patrols—monsters and soul stealing and dead bodies—but never the horror of this night, and we weren’t trained enough to handle any of it. We fumbled about like idiots trying to take down a resurrected Valryn. Lily had the memory of her training from her time as a knight-in-training but she had none of the humanity.

Jacobi was taken to the infirmary barely breathing. He looked dead.

Please, Charon, don’t take another one of my friends.

Elite Cain bangs into his office, throwing open the doors. Natalie and I get to our feet and salute.

“Probation!” he yells. “All of you, including the unconscious one! Probation until I say otherwise, and I’ll tell you it isn’t looking like you’ll get off in the next year.”

I try not to flinch. I’ve never seen Elite Cain angry.

“What the hell were you all thinking? As soon as you saw the situation, you should have alerted your superiors. None of you were equipped to handle this. Now we have a dead kid, and I have to tell Commander Martin his daughter will never know Spirit. Careless!”

We keep our heads bowed, feeling lower than low. Worse, we both know he’s right.

God, my chest hurts. It’s like it’s split in two—one side pounds with anxiety, the other with fear.

“Who wants to tell me what happened first?” Cain asks, but it’s not a question; it’s a demand.

It’s not often I’m unable to speak, but I’m ashamed and afraid. I keep my jaw pressed tight so my chin doesn’t tremble.

“We learned Anora Silby was kidnapped. When we finally found her, she was fighting a resurrected Lily,” Natalie says. “The boy—Jake—was already dead. We just wanted to get Anora out of there.”

“Was that before or after you learned she was the Eurydice?”

Neither of us speak. As far as Elite Cain is concerned, we all learned Anora was the Eurydice tonight. If he finds out it happened any other way, probation could turn into suspension, and I don’t think Anora’s safe among the Order with Roth as luminary.

“Before tonight, I’d have said you were both the best of your class. Now, I realize my mistake. You have so much to learn. I’m releasing you to your parents. Go.”

Our gazes shift toward the door where both of our fathers stand still and at attention. Natalie moves first; her dad gestures to have her exit in front of him. Then I’m left under my father’s cold gaze.

“Infirmary,” he says.

The medic cleans and bandages the scratches on my arm and a set on my face I didn’t notice until she starts spraying my cheek with sanitizer. Dad has stepped out to make a phone call. I can hear the timbre of his voice through the curtain. He’s talking to Mom, describing the scene—one human dead, Jacobi injured and unconscious, Natalie and I bruised up but okay, and Anora. He doesn’t mention our punishments, just says we’re all okay. While he doesn’t indicate when he’ll be home, he does say in the sincerest voice that he loves her.

As the call ends, the medic finishes up and switches places with my father. His presence fills the small, curtained compartment to bursting.

Before, I always thought my father never gave me the benefit of the doubt, but now I feel like maybe he’s been right all along. Maybe I am just an idiot.

“How long have you known Anora Silby was the Eurydice?” he asks.

I look at my wrist, pretending to read the time, and say, “Three hours.”

“Don’t you dare lie to me,” he says, and the threat in his voice makes me cold.

I grind my teeth together so hard, my jaw hurts. “For certain? A day.”

“How long have you had suspicions?”

“Since Vera disappeared. I just…I don’t trust Roth.”

“Trusting Roth has nothing to do with your job. Your orders are orders, and you obey them, even if you disagree.” He’s given me this lecture before. I hated it then, and as if sensing my protest, he closes the distance between us, hissing, “This is important, Shy. Do you remember what I told you?”

You might think you’re standing up for something grand, but when you do it wrong, it’s not you who will suffer for your actions; it’s the people you love.

I remember.

And he is right. I lost Lily, and she suffered, again and again. Lily is dead in a way that means she is never, ever coming back—not through reincarnation even. It feels like someone’s smashing my chest with a sledgehammer. Shame and embarrassment are there too, undercurrents heating my skin.

“Think for a moment what we could have helped prevent if only you’d have told us about Anora.”

Nothing!I want to scream at him. You could have prevented nothing because Anora’s not the one who killed Lily, and she’s not the one who resurrected her. But I don’t want to get into that with him. Not with Roth having his own agenda. If he can’t control Anora, he may try to find someone else to bring back the dead.

“What could you have prevented?” I ask bitterly, pushing myself off the gurney. “What could you have done better?”

For a moment, I hate him, and I want to make him feel it.

“I’m never good enough for you. I’m not good enough for anyone. The only reason Roth chose to promote me to tracker is because of Anora. I know you didn’t think I was ready. Well, guess what, you were right. I screwed up.”

“You’re wrong,” my dad says. His voice settles on me like snow, making me shiver.

“Who are you to tell me I’m wrong? What have you done to prove me otherwise? Have you been home the last two months? When was the last time you sat down to dinner with me and Mom? You don’t know? I do—it was August!”

“I don’t know where all this sudden defiance is coming from. There are things I have to do here, Shy. Things you don’t understand right now—”

“Try me, Dad!” I yell and then beg, “Trust me.”

But he doesn’t. He doesn’t say a word. Just looks at me with those eyes—my eyes. I hate it.

“Forget this.”

As I go to leave, he says, “I do trust you, and I believed you were ready long before you were promoted, but don’t think for a second I didn’t know what Roth was doing when he chose you to track the Eurydice.”

I stop and face him.

“What are you saying?”

Dad stares for a moment, as if trying to communicate wordlessly. Funny, I know what he’s saying: You know exactly what I’m talking about. “We know Jacobi hacks the archive, Shy. We know he entered the records. I’m assuming he told you what he found.”

He’s talking about my and Anora’s past lives.

“You knew and you didn’t tell me?”

My father puts his hands up, as if he’s afraid this will send me over the edge, and for a moment, I think it might, but instead, I realize I want someone to know. Someone who isn’t Jacobi or Natalie. Someone like my dad. Because, for Charon’s sake…I can’t do this on my own.

“My sixteen-year-old son’s…lover…from a past life reincarnated and just so happens to be the Eurydice.”

Never mind. This is the worst. I take it back—I don’t want him to know anything.

“What do you expect from me?” my father continues. “I knew what Roth would do when he found out, and I was right. You think I wanted my spoiled superior to use my son?”

“But…you could have told me!”

Or at least tried to warn me in subtle ways. Instead, all he does is make me feel inferior and keep me from my assignments…

Oh.

We stare at each other for a long moment. Then he says, “I guess it was too much to hope you’d keep your distance from the Eurydice, given she’s a human and you’re Valryn.”

There it is. I should have expected the blow. I should have been prepared for how bad it hurts, but I’m not.

Dad continues, “I understand why you have the instinct to protect her.”

But he doesn’t. Not really. Because I don’t.

“Forget that this is against the Order. What could you possibly know about someone you met less than two weeks ago?”

It’s not like I’m marrying her. I’m learning her. I might not know the material things—roses or lilies or no flowers at all, favorite music, movies, or books—but I know she loves the stars and wants to be an astrophysicist, all inspired by the love she has for her poppa. I know she grieves for him deeply, that if she lost anyone else, she would shatter. I want to protect her from that, because Anora might be the Eurydice, but she grew up human and is human, and even Valryn cannot escape pain.

Greater things connect us—horror and struggle and fear and love. I might never learn her in other ways, but I’ll know her in the ways that count.

“Dad…I can’t have this conversation right now.”

He doesn’t press, and I’m relieved. I feel like we have a truce, and I don’t want it to end so soon, even knowing at some point, he’s going to want to have that conversation with me. The one where he tells me I can’t see Anora.

Right now, I’m hoping he won’t tell me that.

“Where is she?”

“She’ll go before the Order soon.”

“Dad, she has a life outside this place, outside being the Eurydice. Keeping her here would be kidnapping her—”

Dad reaches out, and I flinch. He hesitates but decides to place his hand on my shoulder anyway.

“Mistrusting one part of the Order doesn’t mean you should mistrust all of it.”

“Then let the Order prove me wrong.”