12. Savion

TWELVE

SAVION

The cool air hits my face as I step out of the building, a stark contrast to the stifling heat inside that metal box. It's like a weight has been lifted, but my chest is still tight, my heart pounding a little too fast. I need to get away, find someplace quiet where I can pull myself together.

I duck around the corner of the building, away from the students, their laughter and chatter too loud, too normal for what just happened. My legs feel like jelly, and I slump onto a low stone wall, my hands trembling as I rub them over my face. I can still feel the tension in my muscles, like they've been wound too tight and are only now starting to unwind. My breath comes out in shaky bursts, like I'm still trying to remind myself how to do something as basic as breathing.

Jesus, I nearly lost it there.

The memory of the elevator floods back—the walls closing in, the air thick and suffocating. I clung to that damn railing like it was the only thing keeping me from spiraling out of control. And Declan... his voice, steady and calm, even when I was anything but. He didn't freak out, didn't judge. Just helped me through it, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

I should be grateful. Hell, I am grateful. But there's something else too—embarrassment, frustration, maybe a bit of anger. Not at him, but at myself. I hate that I let him see me like that, all raw and exposed. I'm supposed to have it together, always. But in that moment, I was anything but together.

My hands tighten into fists, and I can feel the bite of my nails against my palms. It's grounding, a sharp reminder that I'm here, outside, and not trapped in that box anymore. But the shame lingers, a hot, prickling sensation under my skin. I keep replaying it in my head—Declan's hand brushing against mine, the way he looked at me, concern etched in every line of his face. I've spent so long building up these walls, keeping people at arm's length. And in a matter of minutes, he saw me at my worst.

Why him? Why now?

I lean forward, elbows on my knees, staring at the ground as if it might offer some answers. My chest tightens again, but it's different this time—less panic, more... confusion? Something about Declan gets under my skin. Maybe it's the way he handled me back there, no bullshit, no coddling, just steady. I'm not used to that. Most people either shy away or try to fix me, but Declan didn't do either. He just... was.

My thoughts drift to Kelly. She gets me, and knows when to push and when to back off. But Kelly wasn't there today.

A group of students passes by, their voices a low hum in the background. One of them glances my way, curiosity flickering in their eyes before they move on. I must look like a mess, sitting here like this. But I can't bring myself to care. Not right now.

I push myself to stand, glad the slight tremor in my legs had gone. I've got to head back to the museum, and the last thing I need is to walk in there looking like I've been through hell. I smooth down my clothes, trying to regain some semblance of control. The mask slips back into place, the one that says I'm fine, that nothing gets to me.

As I head back toward the museum, my thoughts are still swirling. It's only a few blocks away, but it feels like miles. My body's moving on autopilot, my mind replaying the last hour over and over. Declan, the elevator, the way he looked at me—like I was more than just a friend. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. It's Kelly.

Kells: How'd the presentation go?

Me: Fine.

It's the easiest lie I can tell right now. But I should've known better. Kelly's always been able to read between the lines, and she doesn't let things slide that easily.

Kells: Meet me at the dive bar after work.

The woman doesn't give me a choice in the matter.

When work is finally over, I let out a long breath, my shoulders slumping as I turn in the direction of the dive bar. I could use the company right now. Apart from my parents, Kelly's the only person I trust, but even with her, I'm careful about how much I share. There's just some stuff I'm not ready to lay out in the open.

When I step in, I feel a sudden jolt in my gut. The last time I was here was with Declan. We had a wonderful time. But so much has happened since then. Will we ever get back to the easy friendship we had? Something tells me that things will never be the same again between us. My heart aches.

It takes me a moment to spot Kelly waving frantically to catch my attention. She's already at our usual table. By the time I get to her, her fingers are tapping out a rhythm on the edge of her glass. She looks up as I approach, eyes narrowing slightly. She doesn't need to say anything; I can feel her scrutiny as I slide into the chair across from her.

We order without much thought—two grilled cheese sandwiches with a side of tomato soup for me, a chicken Caesar salad for her, and a couple of iced teas to wash it all down. Good, solid comfort food, the kind you crave after a rough day.

No words are exchanged between us. Kelly knows she has to give me some time. Our orders don't take that long. Kelly takes a bite of her salad, but her focus is entirely on me. "So, how'd it really go?"

I push the soup around with my spoon, trying to avoid her gaze. "The presentation was good. Actually better than I expected."

She arches an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue. I sigh, setting the spoon down and finally meeting her eyes. "It's not the presentation I'm hung up on. It's what happened after."

"Spill," she urges, leaning forward slightly.

So I do. I tell her about the elevator, how it got stuck, and how I almost lost my shit. How Declan just happened to be there, and how he helped me through the panic attack. I keep my voice as even as possible, but I know she can hear the strain in it.

She listens without interrupting, but I can see the concern etched in her face. "That sounds rough. But you made it out. And Declan was there for you. That's something."

"Yeah, it is," I admit, though it feels like there's more to it than that.

Kelly tilts her head, studying me. "There's more, isn't there?"

I hesitate, but she's not going to let this go, and maybe I need to get it off my chest. "The day at the library... Declan and I… um… we kissed."

Her eyes widen and she sets her fork down, leaning back in her chair. "Holy shit, Sav," she whisper shouts. "Seriously?"

"Yeah," I mutter, running a hand through my hair, feeling the weight of the confession settle between us.

She's grinning now, but I don't get it.

"Why are you so happy about this? Neither of us is gay. It doesn't make sense."

Kelly snorts. "Oh, come on. You're telling me you didn't feel anything? Not even a little spark?"

I stare at the soup, watching as the steam rises. "It doesn't matter what I felt. It's not supposed to happen. I've never felt this way before, not about a guy. It's confusing as hell."

"Feelings don't always come with a roadmap, Sav. Sometimes they just... happen."

I shake my head, frustration bubbling up. "Even if there was something between us, how could it work? We're nothing alike. Different worlds, different lives. I can't trust him. Not after them."

Kelly's expression softens. "Declan isn't those two people who shall forever be unnamed. You know that."

"Do I?" I shoot back, the bitterness seeping into my words. "People can surprise you, Kelly. They can turn on you when you least expect it."

She leans in even closer, her voice gentler now. "You can't let what happened with those two fools ruin this. Not every guy is out to hurt you. Declan... he's different. You wouldn't be this messed up over it if you didn't care."

"I get it," I say, my voice tight. "But Declan's this handsome, successful guy who could have anyone he wants. All the sexy, cool people. Why would he even look twice at someone like me—a scarred bookworm who has panic attacks?"

Kelly's eyes narrow, and she shakes her head. "I bet Declan's not interested in anyone else. He's interested in you. Don't sell yourself short. You're a good guy, Sav. You've got things going for you."

"But what if this doesn't work out?" I argue, my voice rising. "We're in completely different circles. He's all glitz and glam, and I'm just... not. How could something real ever come of this?"

Kelly's tone is firm, her eyes locked onto mine. "You're overthinking it. You can't predict the future, but you can give it a chance. And as for the differences—every relationship has them. It's about finding common ground."

"And how can I trust him?" I press. "He's not exactly a permanent fixture in my life. How do I know he's not just playing around?"

Kelly's voice softens, but her words are sharp. "Sav, Declan's not playing around. If he was, he wouldn't be putting himself out there like this. You're not some temporary fling. And you're not a burden."

"But what if?—"

"No," Kelly cuts me off, her gaze steady. "You're afraid of getting hurt again, and that's understandable. But you can't let that fear keep you from living your life. You might not have all the answers, but you've got a chance here. Don't let it slip away because of what-ifs."

I stare down at my food, the weight of her words sinking in. "It's not that simple. I'm thirty, Kelly. I should've figured out my shit by now. I don't have the bandwidth for this right now. I can't keep dealing with new feelings, new complications. In fact, I'm not sure I care."

"But you do care," she presses. "And that's why you're so freaked out."

My eyes rise to meet hers. "Maybe," I admit, the word heavy on my tongue. "But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep getting close to people just to have them screw me over."

"But you're close to me, aren't you? I would never deliberately hurt you."

"It's because you wore me down with your bossiness." I smiled, the first one for the day.

Kelly reaches across the table, placing a hand over mine. "You've been through a lot, Sav. But you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don't let fear make your decisions for you. If Declan's getting under your skin, maybe it's worth figuring out why."

I squeeze her hand, grateful for the steadying presence she's been since the day we met. "I don't know if I'm ready for that."

"That's okay," she says, her voice firm but kind. "But don't push him away just because you're scared. Give yourself the chance to see where this could go."

I nod, not fully convinced, but there's a part of me that knows she's right. Declan's been on my mind too much lately to just walk away. But the idea of letting him in, of risking getting hurt again—it terrifies me.

Kelly's watching me closely, and I know she can see the battle playing out in my head. "You don't have to figure it all out today, Sav. Just... don't shut the door on it, okay?"

I let out a slow breath, nodding again. "Okay. I'll try."

She smiles, giving my hand a final squeeze before letting go. "That's all I ask."

We finish our meal in relative silence, but it's not uncomfortable. I know Kelly's got my back, no matter what happens next. And maybe, I'll find the courage to see where things with Declan could lead.

But right now, I'm still too wrapped up in the mess of it all to see clearly. All I know is that he's in my head, and it's getting harder to keep him out.