23. trace of our souls

23

trace of our souls

Lucynda

Rivian walks with me on a stone path between the trees in the outer forest of the castle. From this view, I can really take in the smaller details of the forest and I get the feel of just how powerful the Hollows Traces grounds are. Weaved between large, dark trees are at least twelve more smaller castle-like buildings on either side of the main home.

My stomach twists with nerves. I feel safe walking with Rivian yet fear grips the tendrils of my heart as it beats rapidly in my chest.

The time I'd spent sitting at the gazebo for the few hours I waited for Rivian had left me alone with my thoughts, which normally isn't a good thing. But I think given all the highs and lows I've been feeling, it served me some good. I know I've been flakey in my own mind about all of this but at the end of the day, I want a family. I want love. I want to be a part of something.

Even still though, I'm scared.

I allowed him a piece of my vulnerability and fell victim to my own heart. It’s new. I feel like for once, there's a chance for hope to commence after all.

"These are all the housing quarters of the other Nocturnes of Hollows. The castle only houses the royal family and the maids, guards, or servants we require." He explains as he points out to some of the other gray-bricked buildings. Smaller, sure, but still just as terrifyingly charming.

"Who else, besides you, Troy and Travois are of royal blood?" I ask, not feeling like I might get scolded for my curiosity anymore.

"We are it. Typically, each Society or kingdom is only made up of one royal family." I try to keep up with his long strides as we walk down the path in the darkness. He seems to have a good sense of where to go despite the lack of light leading the way.

"And how many other vampires are there?"

"About a hundred of us live here in Shadow Creek. There are less and more in other societies," he tells me as we round a bend.

"So, where is everyone?" I voice my concern, noting that I haven't missed the lack of vampires for a town that claims to be crawling with them. But honestly, how would I even be able to spot them?

"Nocturnes can't go out in the daylight. They'll burn. Which means they are required to stay inside their compound quarters until curfew ends. Some of them will still remain inside if they wish, maybe in the castle in the specialty rooms. Others will be at the Gilded Hollow, the club that I own."

"That weird masquerade sex party you took me to? That's your club?" I should have known. That place was a fever dream if I ever had one.

A smirk crawls on Rivian's face.

"It wasn't a sex party, Lucynda. It was your engagement party . . . with nice views." He rubs his jawline with his pointer finger, giving me a look that says everything and nothing at all.

"Whatever you say." I shrug him off, looking ahead at the path leading deeper into the black forest.

"Otherwise, Nocturnes are free to roam wherever they please, so long as they don't step over the boundaries of another society uninvited, they can go virtually anywhere."

That's why I'd see so many people wandering at night on Mainstreet. It's all making sense now.

Rivian leads me off path a bit as we weave between a group of trees until we reach an opening. His hand is on the small of my back to guide me, the gesture provides comfort and security all while lighting my skin on fire.

The open space before us stretches out to what looks like miles before it backs up to the cliffs, giving me a new view to the beauty of Hollows Trace. That’s when I hear the gentle trickling of water running in the distance. Shadow Creek.

I look out to my left and see the stream running along the banks and between the mass of trees. I could easily fall asleep out here. The tranquility is unmatched.

"This is all yours?" I ask in amazement, feeling the full effect of how magical it looks when the moon shines in the cloudy, starlit sky.

"Soon, it will be all ours ." Rivian's words provide hope along with a foreign feeling of belonging. Yet, I know not to be too trusting of his word just yet, seeing as we are barely starting to get along and I have been lied to before.

"What happens when you all die? Is there an heir or another family to take over?" I opt to change the subject, not wanting to get too attached to the idea that he would be willing to share his kingdom with me.

"Ah, kids. This is where it gets tricky, little one. Vampires can only procreate with a human. But more specifically, only a male Nocturnes and female Outsider,” he explains as he steers us back to the path we were on and moves us toward the main castle again.

"Okay, so how does that work?"

"Well, you see when a man inserts himself-"

"No, no. Not like that." I hold my hands up at him, begging for him to stop. I may not be as experienced as he is, but I do not need a crash course on sex.

"I know. I was only kidding." He removes his hand from my back and I shiver at how cold it suddenly feels. "It works a little differently depending on who is involved. In our case, a Royal being involved, if we were to want children you would need to get pregnant during the blood bind. This would ensure the child will carry our true royal blood. Otherwise, they are of half royal blood.” I can see something desolate creep into his eyes as he talks to me, but he doesn’t let it fester before he continues. “But this means that the female isn’t allowed to transition until after birth. Then when the child turns eighteen, they have the option to turn.”

It takes me a minute to process everything he just said. So many new things to learn about this world filter through me daily. I can only hope I won’t need to know any of this soon.

“Can you tell me about the blood bind?” There are those two big scary words again; I've been waiting for the chance to finally ask him about what that means.

Rivian and I get back to the main part of the compound, the castle coming into view. I stop my steps and turn to look at him as I wait for his answer.

The wind breezes between us as thunder rolls in the sky. I wrap my arms around myself to fight the chill, but it doesn't help.

Rivian removes his suit jacket and tosses it gently over my shoulders. I look up at him, giving him a silent thank you, feeling something connect between us as we look at each other.

"There's two parts. One part takes place during the wedding ceremony. After the kiss and the final vows, both parties spill their blood into a chalice. For non-royal marriage, only the couple will drink from the chalice. For royal weddings, every member of the society will drink from it." Rivian speaks with conviction.

I look away for a minute, feeling the heat of what he just said saturate me with consternation. Just when I thought that maybe things would feel less out of pocket, disbelief floods me at the truth of what is to become of my wedding night.

"Does that scare you?" he asks with genuine concern lacing his tone.

"No." I shake my head, not knowing if I'm lying to myself or not. "Seems a little cultish but it doesn't scare me."

"The point of that is to create a bind of power and unity within the kingdom. With my royal blood diluted with your human blood, it provides enough strength to allow Nocturnes to keep their abilities controlled and strong, and it also curbs their hunger easier, so as not to accidentally feed too much on someone enough to kill them."

"Okay, so what's the second part?" I don't want to waste any time beating around the bush, something foreboding tells me the first part is the less scary of the two.

"The second part takes place during consummation," he says.

"You mean during sex?"

"Yes, Lucynda." The grin that curls on his lips makes me feel so many different things. Is it a nefarious grin? Is he happy he'll get to take my virginity? Or is he smiling at me because I said the word sex ?

"How does the blood bind line up with us consummating the marriage?" I pull his jacket tighter around my arms, hearing a bird caw in the background, the wind continues to dance around us.

"We are to feed from each other." His voice holds an ominous tone, blending in with the whispers of the wind.

"Wait, like . . . you drink from me and I-"

"Yes. You will need to consume my blood just the same."

Rivian looks down at me, his eyes fierce with the glow of the charming green that they are. But when he sees my reaction, my sudden labored breathing and the war thundering in my head—likely also reading my mind and sensing my heart rate—I can see the darkness take over his emerald-colored irises and my skin breaks like gooseflesh.

"Okay, what does that do?" I dare to ask, nearing the line of terror as I process what it would mean for us to drink each other's blood.

"It ties your blood to mine. It makes us whole. It gives you royal blood. And yours feeds me strength."

"Jesus," I whisper. I guess I never understood exactly how much went into upholding a kingdom for vampires. It definitely isn't as easy as saying I do and going away for a honeymoon.

"Scared off yet?" His question isn't meant to mock me, but to make sure I understand and that I won't be afraid when the time comes.

His dark brown hair curls in the breeze around us, drops of rain starting to trickle down from the sky.

"How do I turn exactly?" I ask, looking off at the moon.

"After we secure the tether with the blood bind…" he trails off and something curiously fearful enters my mind.

He looks away too, obviously trying to figure out how to tell me what he has to do so that I don't try and run again.

"Rivian?" My voice is soft but touched by worry.

"You'll need to die." He turns and latches his eyes straight on to mine, making sure that I feel the importance of his statement.

I knew this. I expected this answer but for some reason, in the midst of all of my mixed emotions and fighting my mind on what I wanted, it escaped me somehow. And now, it shocks me to my core.

I stumble backward a bit, my words coming out shaky and less poised.

I don't have much to fear these days. But death. Death is not something I wanted for myself. Not yet. Death is what I wanted for everyone else. Maybe that's a little harsh but despite the shitty life I've lived, I wanted to live.

Something comes over me. Fear maybe. But nonetheless, it causes me to overreact.

"No. I don't want that. I-"

Rivian grabs me by the wrist to stop me from running or falling back, I can't be sure what I was going to do first.

His touch stings my skin where his fingers wrap around me, fire and ice as the feel of him being so close breathes new life into me.

"Think about the feeling that you felt when your step-sisters bullied you, or when your best friend tried to coerce you into doing something dangerous, or all the times you'd been ignored or used by people you love. Think about the time your mother left you . . . the feeling you felt when your dad was on top of you, when he gave you this." Rivian pulls me into his chest, his breathing mixing with my own. Heat boils between us despite rain now steadily dripping from the sky. He grips me by the waist with one hand and allows his other to trace the scar on my cheek.

"How did that make you feel?" His feathered tone is almost like the one he'd feed my brain when he was the ghost of my days. Now, he's here. He's training me to be his wife, helping me through all of my trauma while literally leading me to my death.

I reach up and close my hand over his. His stare is blazing into the pockets of my soul, begging me to speak my truth.

"Dead inside."

I want to live. I want to actually breathe the air of the Earth when the sky is bluest. I want to explore the desires deep in my heart and hear the sound of love as laughter rattles my cages. I want to feel the moment I find my purpose, harness my future and find a reason to love myself even with all the dark marks imprinted into my skin.

I want to . . . stop merely existing.

"I promise you, Lucynda, that dying in my arms won't feel like you're dead inside. I promise you that when you wake up on the other side, you'll feel more alive than ever," Rivian comforts me, makes me feel like I do have someone who might help me find my way. Whether that's in life or death. But really, when I die, I won't be so . . . dead. I'll breathe new air, feel new life, hear new sounds and hopefully, find new love.

"Will it hurt?" I ask.

"You won't feel a thing," he promises, brushing his fingers over my forehead to tuck away the flyaway hairs that have escaped my braid in the wind.

I sigh. I know I was meant for more. And I feel it in the way my skin ignites in the shadows and how my heart has trouble deciphering all the emotions I feel, because I am feeling .

"When I told you that you would benefit from this life for the strict reason of revenge, I wasn't lying. I know how badly you've been hurt. I can feel your desire to make your demons pay.” He dips his head before reaching back up to touch my face again, this time running his finger over my lips. “But I think I realize now that I might have been leading you on with the wrong headliner. You crave more Lucynda. I'm not a good man. I've done terrible things and I will continue to do terrible things. You will be my wife and I can try to make this as painless and worthy for you as possible." He traces the dip above my top lip for a beat. Shivers cover me in a blanket of what feels like pinpricks. "Nonetheless, becoming a vampire gives you back control and strength. You will feel alive again."

I still as Rivian brings his head down to mine, his soft lips pressing a light, delicate kiss against my forehead.

The contradiction of a man so dark, stringing me along for the thrill of seeing me squirm, yet providing me with the most comforting feeling all in the same breath, is intoxicating.

"Can you tell me more about the treaty?" I decide to change the topic, feeling too much of the hope that he's giving me and I don't want to be so willing to accept it just yet.

He turns us around to start our walk back toward the castle as he approaches his explanation of just one of the things I allow myself to bring up.

"About five years after I was born, my father met his anima vinculum . They married immediately and she ended up pregnant with twins."

"Troian and Travois," I note.

"Correct. But she didn't end up blood-tying with my father. After she gave birth to the twins, she ran off in an attempt to escape, leaving her kids behind. It took my father eleven years to find her and bring her back to finish what they started. But she ran away again a few years later.”

“She must have really not wanted this life,” I conclude.

"I'm unsure of the factual details, but I do know that my father caused a war trying to locate her. He'd been without a wife for a while and even though they did perform the blood bind the second time around, he was still weak from all the years he was forced to go without it." Rivan stares at the ground as we continue forward.

“I take it he didn’t find her?” I ask.

"He tried. Royal blood is the only blood that can be traced. But her trace ran cold, indicating that she was likely dead. He initiated two years of devastation to the Valor Cove society, convinced that that’s where she was. Once the treaty was in play and her death was more believable, he gave up."

Something eerie creeps around in my head. I can't imagine what that poor woman must have gone through. She was obviously struggling with the idea that her life was changed forever. Who knows what all that must have done to her.

Rivian continues to explain to me how his father nearly killed an entire Society and his bloodlust raged in his wake. He explains that one of the laws put into place is that murder by vampire would be punishable by decision of Faction vote unless one of two factors were present.

“They either pose a considerable threat to the society or to humanity, or they have victims of their own.” I think over what he’d just, something going off in my head like a lightbulb.

"So, when you killed my dad…"

Rivian nods his head at me indicating that he was allowed the kill per treaty due to the simple fact that holds my truth.

"He had a victim."

Me.

I know I lived through that moment over and over again, but when it’s put into terms like that, it makes me seem weaker because of it. But really, it made me stronger.

"Right now, there are claims that unlawful murder is being committed on Valor Cove's Outsiders and Nocturnes. They claim a rogue from within this kingdom is responsible."

"Well, how do you stop it?" I ask, noticing the rain getting heavier as we approach the castle grounds.

In a half-second of time, I'm whisked away like that of the wind and my back is pushed up against a brick wall. Rivian manifested us to cover, an awning covers the top of us to prevent the rain from shattering against our heads.

He's close. His hands grip my upper arms and his head is bent down to mine. His voice takes a more serious tone.

"We can’t. We have to let things play out. But our blood strength is weak right now, so we’re the easier target." His words leave on breathy notes as he leans in close to protect me from the cold rain relenting behind him.

A revelation hits me.

"Because you are unmarried and haven't tied this . . . tether." I close my eyes to allow myself to breathe in Rivian; his amber smoke and sweet metallic scent covers me in pin pricks even as his warmth circles around me.

"Correct, little one." He slides his hands gently down the length of my arms. I don't think I'll have it in me to stand on my own if he keeps touching me like this.

All of the information he provided me with seems to make things a little clearer while also charging new questions. The complexity of this world isn’t one easily understood, but I do my best to make sure I hold on to everything he gave me privilege to. I appreciate his trust in me and his self-allowance to be open. But I still have one more question specifically, remembering mine and Troian’s conversation from the other day.

"Rivian, what happened to your mom?"

He lets go of me entirely, breathing out a tortured sigh as he turns his head to the side and looks out into the distance.

"Before my father met Ameliana-"

"Wait.” I stop him, recognizing the sound of that name. “Ameliana. Why does that name sound so familiar?" I mumble to myself more than anything, trying to remember where I might have heard it from but as I search my brain, I come up empty.

Rivian dips his head before turning back to look at me. I yank his jacket tighter, giving my hands something to do because if he continues to look at me the way he does, I won't be able to control my need to touch him.

"I'm sorry if I brought up any bad memories," I say to him, feeling as though talking about his mother is something that brings out sadness. That's twice that something in regard to his mother has allowed me to see more in Rivian than just a murderous vampire.

It’s refreshing and I can tell that whatever happened to her, changed something in him.

"You didn't." He shakes his head. "Is there anything else you'd like to know?"

"Am I…” An awkwardness falls over me as I try to form the words for my next question. “Should I get pregnant on our wedding night?" The question feels like a chemical element burning on my tongue. I'm not sure I ever imagined having kids and I honestly don’t want to talk about it, but I have to know what is expected of me.

"No. I don't require an heir. When I die, Trav will take over as king, he's already got a fiancé and I'll leave the burden of creating an heir on him."

"There's a lot to unpack with what you just said." I loosen up my position a bit, feeling an opportunity arise to find out more about my soon-to-be husband.

"How so?"

"You said when I die instead of if I die. And you claim having kids to be a burden. Do you not want a family?"

"It's not my priority. I can't imagine bringing kids into this world." His answer is short but honestly, it's something I can agree with. How does a girl dream of becoming a mother, and a good one at that, if she never had one herself? But more so, his answer holds further truth of the evils this world carries. Ironic, coming from the likes of him.

"Anything else, little one?"

"Yeah, I need to know what I should do with my bookstore and-"

'It's been taken care of."

"What do you mean?"

"Lucynda, when I killed your father. I set into motion a certain chain of events."

"Like what?"

Rivian leads us to start walking toward the doors of the castle.

"I compelled him to sign over everything he owned to you including the house and his savings account, for one." Something in Rivian’s tone rattles me to my core as his words speak truth to the chain of events he’s revealing.

"Wait, you did that?"

"Do you really think he would have left you anything if it were up to him?"

He's got a point.

"What else are you responsible for?" I continue to follow beside him.

“When I realized you were the tether to my soul, I compelled the old lady who owned Blythewood Bookstore and lived in the apartment above it to move out. I needed you to have a place to live while I tried to convince you to do this."

His confession sends me into a light dizzy spell, feeling an out-of-body experience hit my bones, allowing me to truly put into perspective just how much control he's had over most of my adult life—the past month at least, and even bits of before that as well.

"You forced an old lady out of her home? Rivian, that's not fair."

" Life isn't fair."

We get to the doors of the castle and one of Rivian's guards opens it up for us. I'd been so lost in conversation with Rivian that I failed to notice all the guards and security he has roaming around.

Once we're inside, I remove his jacket from my shoulders and hold it back out for him to take. I lower my voice when I speak next.

"Well, for someone who pushed me away the moment I stepped foot into this castle, you sure did go out of your way to make sure I was taken care of. But newsflash, Rivian, I never needed someone to take care of me." I meant it as sarcastic as possible, but it didn't come out that way for Rivian.

He does that thing again where he pushes me up against a wall, this time his fingers gripping the strands of my hair and loosening my braid all in one swift movement.

My breathing hitches and my heart thuds in its cage in fear of what he's going to do next.

"Don't you ever fucking doubt what lengths I would go to keep you safe, my sweet sin. I will burn the world down for you if only it meant I got to hold you up against the wall like this just to watch your pretty little eyes beg me for mercy."

Fuck . His breath skates across my skin, my heart pounds heavily in my chest. I can feel every caress of his fingers at the back of my head. His eyes light me up with so much hunger and lust.

"You would?" I ask, adrenaline coursing through me like a wildfire.

Rivian gives into the heat that has been sizzling between us the whole time we've spent together in the forest. I knew he could feel it. The butterflies that assaulted me every time he touched me, the way his eyes would dig into mine as if to tell me there is no escape.

He dips his head, running the tip of his nose along the scar on my cheek.

"You plague me, Lucynda. You have become all I can think about, and it is ruining me." He breathes me in, chills swarm the surface of my skin, what little is exposed. I dare to keep my hands at my side, wanting to reach out and grab him but knowing that I won't be able to stop myself from begging him for more.

"I need you. More than I need to fulfill the craving for blood. And I'm a monster. How could you want someone like this, Lucynda? How could you want me to touch you like this and to…"

I push further into the wall trying to create enough space to see his eyes.

"You pushed me away because you thought I wouldn't want to be with you?"

He dips his forehead to my own. I can't tell if he's hiding something more or if he's simply too ashamed to speak his truth.

His eyes change. Blackness overcoming the greens and swirling into clouds of smoke. I’m entranced by the way everything blends into a pool of dark.

"Rivian, you saved me," I whisper. "You have shown me more in the past week alone than I have ever been privy to in my life. You helped me through some of the toughest times of my life and I will always be thankful for that." It's true, as much as I have hated the way he's treated me these past few days, I can't deny how helpful he truly has been.

The voices he planted to talk me down from ledges I was bound to jump off of, the act of freeing me from my father and making sure I had a place to go after I escaped the hell hole that was known as my home. And more importantly, he's opening me up to the possibility of a new life.

"You aren't as undesirable as you think you are, Riv." I push my fingers through his hair, leaning up to pull my lips to his.

He allows me to draw closer and closer, until-

"Hello! We don't have all fucking night!" Shouting comes from down the hall causing me to jump.

My head smacks into Rivian's mouth and he winces slightly, but not more than I do when I see a dribble of blood escape the corner of his mouth.

"Shit. Sorry," I apologize.

I look over to see Troian peeking out of Rivian's office, clear down the other side of the hall, hand on her hips.

"You should get going," I say to him, seeing the agony in his eyes from not being able to continue what we started.

His hands are flat on the wall behind me and his head is still low.

"Rivian," I whisper. Feeling too overwhelmed with the way he's looking at me and the way it makes me feel.

The drop of blood continues its descent over his lips and onto his chin. Something dangerously forbidden crosses my mind—the blood bind. I'll have to feed from him, drink his blood.

It can't be worse than sucking blood off your finger when you get cut by a piece of glass, right? The taste won't be that bad. It'll just be . . . more .

I look back over to check if Troy is still watching, and she's not. So I lean up, eager to make contact. I use my grasp on his shirt for purchase as I softly press my lips to his.

He tries to press deeper, but instead, I open my mouth against his closed lips and use my tongue to glide over the little spot of blood, allowing myself to savor the way it tastes.

I lean back, licking my own lips. Satisfaction and greed dances in Rivian's eyes.

"Lucynda." His voice cracks with need as he says my name.

"You should get back."

I let go of my hold on his shirt and sit back against the wall, hinting to him that it's time for him to leave.

For once, I have the control over his needs, I can tell he's begging for more.

His face twists with emotions I can't make out, but his eyes swirl with those little clouds of smoke and his lips twitch. He removes himself from the wall, and I miss the way his body heat encapsulated me.

He gives me a searing look, from my toes back up to my eyes before picking his jacket up off the floor—it must have fallen from my hands when he pushed me up against the wall in the first place—and straightens out his shirt before telling me, "Hope you have fun tonight, little one. Alone. In your room."

And then he walks away.