21. treat me like a queen

21

treat me like a queen

Lucynda

October 17th – 2 days until the wedding

After getting back from the dress appointment, I went straight to my room and crashed. I don't know why doing one little thing tore my energy down, but my nerves were shot. I guess I can only pretend to be a badass for so long before I realize I'm way in over my head. That and my emotions are all over the place, but what's new? But since waking up, the adrenaline has since dissipated and now I don't know if I’ll be able to find that courage I was feeling earlier.

I don't regret the black dress; it's a power move and I am desperate to show him that I won't be tossed around after all he's done to introduce me to this life. And I still imagine the way Rivian will look at me when he sees me walk down the aisle. He could be angry or enthralled but either way, I will be satisfied.

I'm about to be a married woman. I'm going to become a vampire. And I can act like none of that phases me, but the truth is . . . I'm fucking scared. So maybe part of my need to play this trouble-maker mentality and to show Rivian that I am not some sad little girl is due to that.

Sometimes, I think I do feel it. The tether. It's why I can't decide if I want to hate him or if I just want him.

I laid in bed for a few hours going over all my thoughts as normal. I hate that my emotions are contradicting and that I can’t seem to focus on wanting one thing. But Natasha came in to change out my sheets, take my dirty laundry and brought me some breakfast which allowed me to take my mind off the impulsive need to overthink everything.

After Natasha leaves, I decide that I want to go find my fiancé since it's been a little over a day since I've seen him and part of me wonders where he hides when he doesn't want to be found.

I head for my closest to throw on a simple black dress before heading to brush my teeth and fix my hair. Once I’ve got myself put together, I leave the room, stepping out into the hallway to see Kacian.

"Not you again," I say somberly but with an undertone of sarcasm. I want so desperately to see him smile, just a little bit. I’ll make it my life’s mission if I have to.

"Can I help you find something, Miss Claire?" His tone is unwavering yet polite as he talks to me.

"Can you call me Lucynda, please?" I ask.

"No can do." His posture stays statue-like, dressed in a black suit, the same as always.

"Well then can you tell me where Rivian is?"

"I can't do that either."

"You're joking, right?" I grow tired of his monotoned answers as I lean against the doorframe. Why wouldn’t he be able to lead me to my future husband?

"Hardly."

"I want to see him, Kacian." This time I speak with a little more demand.

"He's busy, Miss Claire." This time he looks at me when he talks and something dark flicks through his eyes. Good, at least I know there's life in him.

"Look at me. Do you see this?" I swirl my index finger in front of my face, circling my features. "This is the look I make when I don't actually care. Take me to him." I put my foot down, literally and he seems to subject himself to my request.

"Very well."

"Thank you, Kacian." I smile at him and follow behind as he leads the way.

I think about how I'm going to lead today's conversation. The goal is to get answers. I want to see if we can make this work. After yesterday, I was on a high and I couldn't wait to be defiant to Rivian. But today, I want to really take the opportunity and make the most out of it. One last try to see if we can't do this amicably. And if he knows what's good for him, he'll accept.

We get downstairs and Kacian walks me down another hall until we get to Rivian’s office.

I knock my knuckles against the wood of the frame of his open office doors, satisfaction bubbling in my chest when I see that he’s here. "Can I talk to you?" I ask, waiting for him to let me in.

Rivian is seated at his desk, going through some kind of paperwork, and doesn't even look up at me when he answers.

"Now is not a good time. I have a meeting to prepare for." Disappointment washes over me. I'm a foolish girl for thinking that he would be willing to give me a moment of his precious time.

I look over at Kacian and give him a glare that signals him to give us space. While he looks at me hesitantly, he listens.

"What kind of meeting?" I decide to ask anyway, not really wanting to take no for an answer. I can't say I tried if I don't put my all into it.

"Not of importance, Lucynda." Again, irritation scratches my skin like sandpaper, annoyed that he won't even lift his stupid-handsome face up to look at me.

And maybe that's a good thing. Because even though I played him like a fiddle the other night—or maybe I'm delusional to think so—I still can't get his touch out of my mind.

The way his rough fingers played gently between my legs, and how he drank from my neck. How fucking euphoric it felt and how I wanted more despite trying my absolute hardest to act like I had no idea what he was doing to me. But in reality, what he was doing to me gave me so much more pleasure than I've given myself, teeth in my skin and all.

I shake the nefarious thoughts from my head as I try to focus on the task at hand. That's when I remember what Troian had said to me about the treaty.

"Might it have anything do with the rogue vampire or the concern of treason?" I risk angering him if only to get him to listen to me, to talk to me. To let me in. I want him to know I can be a useful part of this kingdom if he lets me.

Though, it doesn't take much for me to see the look in his eyes. Confliction.

I'm realizing that I'm not the only one with a roller coaster of emotions when it comes to this arrangement, which is another reason why I want to push this one last time. I can't read his mind, but I can tell he's trying hard not to cross a certain line that I just so happen to want him to cross.

" Troian ," he grits out through clenched teeth, projecting anger toward his sister.

"How can I help?" I decide to step further into his office even though he didn't ask me to, putting on my best solicitous voice.

This finally gets his attention, and a look filled with shadowed anguish paints his expression.

"No offense, little one. But you can't help." Rivian starts to clean up his papers before shoving them back into a manilla folder and locking it away in one of his drawers.

"Why not? Because I'm human?" I stop my slow footsteps in the middle of the office, not wanting to fully invade his space, for his sake and for mine.

Everything smells like him. Deep cedar and amber smoke. It's intoxicating.

"No. Because it's none of your business. I have it all under control." His words are harsh, and his tone is stern. He really wants nothing to do with me, does he?

"Do you, Rivian?" I cop a bit of an attitude this time around. "It seems to me, from what I've heard, that your kingdom might be under scrutiny because of your lack of title." I can feel his snarl from here. He doesn't like my mention of that at all and I feel immediate regret at bringing it up. I don't want to undermine him but he has got to stop treating me like I am useless.

"That will change in two days," he reminds me.

I feel a draft sweep across my bare legs, noting that it's a lot colder in the mansion than it is outside in the midst of fall.

"Thanks for the heads up by the way. I had to hear about my wedding date from your sister at the dress try on yesterday." I wait for him to say something. Anything. But he doesn't look at me, he doesn't speak. He just grabs an expensive looking bottle of gold liquid and pours an inch into a crystal glass.

When Rivian doesn't answer me, it aggravates me. I hate feeling like I’m being ignored, so I approach him with my sarcasm to hopefully light a fire under his ass.

"Which went well, thanks for asking." This time, I stand a little taller and hold a little more confidence in my voice, feeling that surge of edge I love to wield around.

"I heard you paid for the dress." He caps the bottle and puts it back on a shelf behind him.

My body heats up wondering if Troian also told him that I chose a dress of a supposed curse’s color.

"It was that or steal from the poor boutique. Just because your sister can compel free shit out of people doesn't mean I want anything to do with it. They're people who need to make a living." I can't imagine how much of a commission she would have lost out on if she had let us take it for free.

"The dress was paid for already," he tells me, staring down at his glass.

"It was?" Something invades my body in a swarm of heat. Of course, Rivian had already paid for the dress.

"I'll have the money redeposited into your bank account later today." He swirls the liquid around in his cup before pressing the glass to his lips and swallowing the contents in one sip.

"Rivian, that's not necessa-"

"Don't argue with me.” His demand makes me shiver. I hate it when he tells me what to do, but I’m cynical for loving it just as much.

"What do you want, Lucynda?" Rivian sets the glass down only to add more alcohol to it, still looking down at the desk and not at me like I need him to.

"When are you going to stop asking me what I want and just let me be here? Why do I need to want anything, Rivian? Is it too much to ask for me to be involved? Is it hard to believe that I want to be here, and that I just want to…" I don't finish that statement because words flood me, and I don't have time to think them over. I don't want to say too much. So I calm the pace I'm speaking in and hope he sees how fucking hard I'm trying here. "I'm here to help you secure the crown, am I not? I'm here because you claim you need me to give you that security."

"I could have married anyone." The sting of his words bites like a shark. Like he's not even trying to understand what I'm saying and what I want. And the audacity of the asshole to down his next drink, setting the cup down and turning his back to me leaves me fuming.

If that's true, then why the fuck am I here trying to pick between the devil and the angel that sit on my shoulders, both of them feeding me different narratives on how I should handle every waking second that I'm around this man? This man that consumes my entire being even though he's confusing and arrogant and wrong . But the way he feels when I'm in his arms is so right.

"That's not what you said to me the other day. We're tethered, remember?" I take a few more steps forward, wanting him to turn around and look at me.

Why won't he fucking look at me?

"I don't have to go through with that." His voice is monotone and rage swims inside me, creeping along the valleys of the cracks he's creating in my reserve with his lack of attention. They're getting deeper and deeper into territory that won't be good for either of us, threatening to boil over and explode.

"Then why string me along?" I try my best to suppress the tone in my voice that would display just how enraged he's actually making me.

"Because." He tests me.

"Why?" I test him back.

My whole body shakes when he turns around swifty and in the same breath, slams his fist down on the top of his desk, the crystal glass he just drank from bounces up and shatters against the wood.

"Because, Lucynda! I have too much fucking riding on you." His anger overtakes my own, rage painting his face in a shadow of darkness that I am too scared to challenge.

Maybe if he didn't want me to rile his ass up so much, he should have just answered me straight the first time.

"What the hell does that mean?" I cross my arms. He thinks I’ll back down because he’s some big scary vampire. But I won’t let him force my hand that easily.

"It means, I will do with you what I very well please. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to prepare for." He doesn't move though. He waits to see if I'll exit the room first but I won't. He'll have to learn to deal with my stubbornness just like I have to put up with him being an asshole.

"No," I tell him.

"Excuse me?" He twists his head slightly, rearing it over his shoulder but not quite looking at me.

"Cancel your meeting," I demand of him, wondering if he would do that for me. But I know that his answer will be no. I know he's not the type of guy to give up what he's doing in order to appease his girl. Then again, I'm not really his girl , am I?

"I can't do that, Cyn."

"Rivian, I'm trying. Really trying here. Please just give me a little bit of your time." This time, I resort to pleading for him to give me what I want.

He finally turns his body, allowing his face to slowly rise so that I can see the darkest parts of his eyes as he glances over me. Something primal sets loose in his stare, his mouth twitches slightly as he brings his thumb to swipe his bottom lip.

"I gave that to you yesterday, remember?" He says in a dark tone. "I had you practically begging me for it up against that wall."

Heat spikes against my skin, like tiny fires setting ablaze over the surface of me as I recall exactly what he did to me. How good it felt. How warm I felt in his hold. How his tongue felt gliding against my blood-soaked skin.

"We both wanted that," I confirm, trying to avoid the memory.

Rivian takes a step away from his desk, closing in on the space between us.

"Then you pulled away," he reminds me. I did what I had to do to stop the pulse of pleasure from growing. To stop the ache that begged him for relief.

"I didn't want that to be my first time." I'm not lying, but I also knew I was attempting to beat him at his own game. Make him want me the way I know, deep down, that I want him.

"Don't play with fire, Lucynda. It'll only get you burned." Another step.

His midnight navy Brioni Vanquish suit looks sinful against the burgundies and dark browns in his office, mixed with the heated gaze of his green eyes.

"I've already been burned, Rivian," I say as I look down at my feet, needing to escape the eyes I craved to look at me moments ago, now eating me up as he walks closer. "You don't get to play this god complex card of yours as if you're the only thing that can hurt me." I look back up at him. "Pain doesn't come that easily to me."

"I think you doubt just how breakable you are, little one." There's a roughness that plays in his tone. Something minacious and tempting.

"What are you saying?" I ask before holding my breath, nervous to allow any more space to deplete between us as he approaches.

But he doesn't answer.

"Rivian, what are you saying?"

Anxiety creeps within, settling forth a domino effect of all the nefarious things I dream of letting him do to me. It comes in waves of anger and greed and forbidden truths. I want Rivian. Maybe that’s why I’m trying to force him to want me the same. I want more than he’s giving me. And his next words do nothing to quell the ache and he confuses me that much more.

"I'm saying that I did not intend for you to crawl into the deepest parts of my mind and mark your territory, little one." I can't focus on his words; his scent comes dangerously close to being my own as he is now only mere inches in front of me.

"I'm saying that I did not anticipate the absolute fucking grip you have on my soul when I allowed you to enter my life. I'm saying that every part of you consumes every part of me even when I tell myself that I can't have you and I don't want you." Rivian's timbre is brooding and gray, a reflection of himself.

My mind races to pick apart the last thing he said, and I need him to clarify.

"Why don't you want me? Isn't that the point of all this?" I question.

"Because monsters like me are not meant to corrupt innocent souls like yours."

"But yet, here I am at your beck and call because you couldn't stand to let your little soulmate escape your clutch. You said before that you sense darkness in me but now I’m suddenly innocent? You seem to paint this narrative that I might only desire an act for revenge and if you believe those things to be true, then don't you think that would be all the more reason for us to actually be together?"

Part of me hates that I enable his thoughts.I want him to see the best in me like I crave to see the best in him. But the difference between him and I is that I would be willing to sacrifice everything to be here, accepting every part of him; dark or light, evil or good.

"No." His answer is short and I’m losing my patience. Can’t he see that I am struggling here? Can’t he tell that I am willing and able to do everything he asks? He won’t even grant me that. Is our life to consist of lonely days, locking me in my room while he fights wars of treason and feeds on humans.

"Tell me why." I command.

"Because, you have no idea how ruinous I intend to be to you," he says darkly and honestly, I don’t know how to consume his words. Nothing he says makes sense to me one way or another leaving me to constantly feel like I have to pick apart everything he tells me.

"You're planning on ruining me? What the fuck does that even mean, Rivian? Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds?"

"It means-"

"Who's to say I'll even let you ruin me?" I cut him off and I can see fury boil in his eyes. "That sounds like a warning. Maybe I should run. I'm so good at that aren't I?" I love and hate the way I get under his skin, the way he looks at me like I'm the bane of his existence but also the only thing that can make him whole.

"If you fucking run from me, Lucynda. I will find you," he warns me. I don't miss the way his eyes darken, heat rising in my core as they do. There's something so forbidden and enticing about the way his eyes change like that. It's an oddity, but I grow fascinated with the way it looks.

"And then what?" I question.

"And then I'll take what's mine."

"And what might that be?"

"You."

I freeze in my tracks, daring to not blink, flinch, or even breathe as he steps up to me, toe to toe. I don't even want to look him in the eyes anymore, but his scent draws me upward. I love the way he smells, and the way he looks down on me makes it that much more sinful.

"I have no obligation to act out this stupid fantasy of soul bonds Rivian. So I suggest that if you want me to be your queen, then fucking treat me like one!” I press my index finger into his chest, more so for dramatic effect but I push my limits with the way I demand his respect. I can’t take this anymore. The tension builds so quickly and I can only store so much of it without feeling like I'm about to implode.

Rivian touches his fingers to my cheek, and I allow him. Because he makes me weak.

"You might need to reevaluate your plans here, Cyn. You may think that you're all big and bad with your newfound attitude but I think you’ve forgotten just how much I can see right through you.”

“But can you? Because you claim to know what I want, Rivian but you’ve gotten me all wrong.”

I can see that my words cause him to rethink for a beat. His eyes move from my eyes to my lips to my chest then back up to my eyes again.

“Don’t underestimate me, little one.”

I hate him. I hate how he doubts me. I hate that he doesn't allow me the opportunity to do right by his lore and to benefit the Society. Or give me the chance to be myself. I don't even know what that means to me anymore, to be myself. Who am I other than this sad excuse of a girl who seems to be crazier in the head than when he found me? But he doesn't know me if he thinks that this side of me is brand new. He doesn't know how fucking hard it is for me to hide the girl who wants to enact rage on every fucking person on this planet. But if anything, he's what brings that out in me the most. He doesn't know what the fuck he wants. One minute he's on top of me, and the next he's tossing me aside. So, I think he's the one who might need a reevaluation. But he is right, I want him to see me.

"I will do whatever I want, Rivian. If you expect me to just bend over and-"

I regret my words before they even finish leaving my mouth.

Rivian yanks me over to his desk by my wrist, bending me over—using my words against me to put forth the action—and pulling my arms behind my back and securing them in the grip of one of his hands.

My stomach lays flat against the cold wood, he kicks my legs apart with his foot, and his other hand skates up my pebbled flesh on the back of my thigh, now even more exposed as my dress slides up due to my position.

"Rivian, no." I squirm under his searing hold, his hand pushing me deep into his desk.

I don't miss the arousal that builds between my legs. Having him so close does that to me, but this is not right.

"You can't seem to keep your little mouth shut, Cyn. You want me to give in to you? You want to be with me? I’ll give you exactly what you want."

His fingers reach the fabric of my cotton panties. I can't help the painful moan that releases from my twisted lips, confusion swirling in my head.

He yanks my underwear down and lifts my dress up past my ass.

"Not like this," I beg.

"But this is how I like you. Bendable and begging. So very fucking pretty, little sin." His deep tone drags down my body like a blade on fire, leaving my flesh heated in its wake. I can’t take it, the need is so unbearable yet I feel betrayed by his roughness.

"You don't have to do this. You'd just rather lie to yourself about what you really want because you think admitting it will make you seem weak." I try to talk him out of it, out of how close his fingers are to entering me. I can feel every centimeter he touches as he explores my pussy. I hate that he's doing this to me, but I love how it fucking feels; impermissible yet fulfilling.

"Tell me you hate me again." His voice shatters in waves of chills over my neck as he leans down to my ear. I never said I hated him in the first place so—

Wait, I never said that out loud which can only mean one thing.

"Say it," he demands as his finger hovers over the spot needing the most friction. If I don't say it, he'll leave me alone. Which is what I want, right? But if I say it, I'll get to feel him again. And I want that too.

"I hate you," I grit out in a pained admission, feeling inadequate in my own self-assurance for doing what he asked.

His middle finger swipes against my clit before inching back down to my entrance. Fuck, it feels so good.

"You are so fucking wet for me, little one." I buck at him, squirming in protest—I think—but the way his finger slides through me as I move only provides that much more satisfaction.

"You're not weak, Riv." I moan, trying to retract what I had said earlier that might have caused him to act this out. "You're strong." I don't know who I'm trying to convince at this point. Him? Myself? The fucking air?

He holds my wrists tightly in the grip of his hand while the other prods my entrance. I can feel slight pressure as he eases his finger in and I push back against him, another false attempt to get him off me but really, it's my reaction to the intense pleasure coursing through me.

"So fucking strong," I whisper in a lust-filled daze, not even sure what I'm saying at this point.

"Does this make you feel seen, Cyn?" His finger is only deep enough to cover his first knuckle, but it's in enough for me to feel myself clenching around him as he speaks. "Knowing that I like hearing you moan for me while I tease this pretty pussy with my finger. Does it give you power to know that I have no control over the wreckage I plan to make of you." I feel pressure building in my core, everything threatening to break apart the longer he keeps talking to me. His voice is like a drug, giving me a high I never knew I could feel.

"You're the only one who gets away with defying me, Cyn. Do you like knowing that I can do this to you whenever I fucking want?"

He removes his finger and I miss the pressure, but he focuses on my clit, rubbing small circles over it until I can feel an orgasm build. Throbs wrack as I seek the end, hating that I love how it feels.

"Yes. I like it," I whimper.

"Say it again," he demands. I writhe under his grip; the desk is so uncomfortable under me in this position, but my vision blurs the closer I get to coming.

"I like it, Rivian. I like it so much. Please, don't stop." I'm begging him to bring me there, to send me into a euphoric frenzy as he works my clit closer.

But then, he stops.

"What? No, don't-" He removes his finger, I can feel the pain of my orgasm drifting away as he steps back, leaving me bare and edged.

"What are you doing?" He lets go of my hands and I frantically lift myself up, embarrassed as I fight to pull my thong back up and cover myself with my dress, looking at him in disgust.

"Next time you try to level up with me, make sure you can fucking take it Lucynda."

Shame washes over my face, hatred stews as I watch him wipe his fingers off on his stupid little silk napkin before turning to walk away.

"I can’t love you," he starts and I'm almost startled by the sudden change in his tone, dropping from his demanding growl to this calm and calculated timbre. "I can't give you the heart that you wish for. You are here because it is your duty. Your destiny is to be my wife. I will give you everything I can, Lucynda. But I can not and will not give you love."

Fucking prick. Who treats women like that? Is that because I stopped him from going further the other day? Is this payback? Or punishment? I don't even think that what I had said to him just now was that bad, at least not to constitute this kind of cruel treatment.

"Wait!" I holler at him before he exits.

Forget the embarrassment I'm battling right now, forget the fact that he's a complete asshole for what he just did, I still want to make this work. And after experiencing the rapturous need of having him so close to me, I don't want to let him walk away. I can't let him walk away. If I have to accept his promise for what it is, I'll do that. But I can’t be stuck in this life feeling just as alone as I was before. That would kill me.

"Rivian, please. I didn't come over here to make you mad or fight with you or to do whatever the fuck that was."

He stops at the door.

"If you thought that was me mad, Cyn. Then you are in for a rude awakening."

I sigh at his words, knowing that I toyed with him enough to cause him to feel resentment toward me. Or maybe he was fighting his own battle, hiding the satisfaction I gave him and retaliating the only way he knows how?

"I only wanted to help. I want to play my part. Really play my part. But you've got to stop pushing me away." This is not me pretending. This is me actually allowing myself to be vulnerable with him. I'm obviously not doing something right and I have to pivot, try another angle.

But it's hard when the throes of my near-orgasm haunt me, needing that relief more than I need my next breath. Though I have to subdue the need a little longer.

"If you don't want to give us a chance, fine. But don’t forget, you tracked me down and made it your mission to bring me here. We can’t keep going back and forth like this. It's not a good look to the kingdom, am I right? Whether you want me to be your anima vinculum , or whatever the hell you call it, or not, I am here and I am staying. So please."

I let myself be expressive in my sincerity, my need to have him give me this chance.

"I have a meeting to get to." His response is short and simple. But I don't let hope escape me as he didn't give me a clear no .

"After your meeting. Can we meet after your meeting?"

Rivian visibly seems trapped. Good. So am I. He's displaying the way I feel. Do we want this or do we not? To give in or not to give in?

Trust me, it's giving me whiplash just as I can see it wreak havoc on him. But as he sighs and turns his head to look at me, solace washes over me as his tone softens and his eyes meet mine.

"I'll come find you."