Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

EASTON- FOUR WEEKS LATER

F ive little letters. That’s all that stands between me and freedom. No more pain. No more possession. Aaron made a mistake, leaving me alone. He was probably desperate to get back to the shiny little toy I saw in the park before I left Boston, but his infidelity happens to work in my favor this time. There’s no telling when he’ll be back, so I can only hope that it’ll work out like I need it to. With the way he’s been behaving, there probably won’t be another chance like this.

I touch the scar on my arm, the one I got on my very first day with him, and remind myself that this is the best thing for him . I’d do anything to protect him, including this. I can protect him like I wish someone would have protected me. I try not to let myself think about him anymore, it’s like Aaron can see it on me and likes to remind me who I really belong to. So I don’t let myself find comfort in him anymore.

But today?

Today, I need him. One last time, after all. One last day to remember the sparkle in his eyes and the warmth of his laughter. Tears burn in my eyes at the thought of never seeing his smile again, but I don’t resist them. They fall freely, giving no relief to my aching heart, but it feels right to allow myself to grieve.

Grieve for the weeks that I’ve been trying to hold on; hoping that this nightmare will end. Grieve for the future that should have been, but has crumpled to dust. It’s time for this, probably long past.

Chase won’t forgive me for this, but I hope one day, he’ll understand. Aaron has shown that he’ll never let me go. He will never let me find happiness, and for me, that can only be found in one place. My love deserves better than that, a life of looking over his shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’d rather him lose me once, permanently, rather than have him be abandoned again and again. As much as it pains me to think about, this is in his best interest. I can do this. I can break his heart, just this once. It’ll hurt, but he will heal with time, and maybe the next time he falls for someone, they won’t have as much baggage as me.

The letter I wrote says as much. That I want him to try again and find his real forever because he was mine. It was a short one, but it was everything to me. More than I ever dreamed of, for the weeks I had him.

My own squiggly handwriting stares back at me. Since I finished it, I haven’t been able to let go of it. Like I’d be letting go of him if I put it down.

I’m being a baby. Emotional and irrational are Aaron’s two favorite words to describe me, and it’s holding up today. But I need to let go, need to say goodbye. Give him closure. I don’t want him to be looking for me again. This time it’s really over.

At least he won’t be alone; his family will be there for him. Brady will be.

Fuck .

Even thinking about my brother hurts. I can’t focus on him or I’ll lose my nerve. I said everything I have to say to both of them in the letter. Depending on where I am, it will arrive in a few days, giving them no time to track me down and try to change my mind.

I just hope he understands.

“Oh, Chase,” I say into the empty house. Aaron’s arrogance never ceases to amaze me. He’s kept me well isolated in the middle of nowhere, not a thing my eye can see but trees, no indication whatsoever as to where we are this time. I assume I’m back on the east coast, but that’s only because Aaron has a preference for the area. He’s obviously learned from the good old days of luxury apartments because this house is a shadow of how we used to live.

Not that it was worth it or anything, because somehow no one ever heard me scream there either. But this place isn’t the kind of thing he’d normally pick. More bare bones.

I guess it doesn’t matter now. It’s been my prison long enough. I’m careful as I address the envelope and seal my letter inside. I debate slipping the plastic bracelet from my wrist and putting it inside so it can be returned to its proper owner, but I don’t have the heart to give it up. It’s the only thing that I was able to take with me from home, and the idea of it staying with me for this gives me solace. When it’s ready, I press a kiss to the front before squeezing it to my chest, hoping that he will be able to feel my love in it after I’m gone for a long time to come.

Dropping it in the box beside the front door for the mailman to pick up is the hardest part. It feels so final. Like etching into marble he was well loved .

And I was. So wholly and completely, maybe only from two people, but it’s more than I deserved. The love of my brother was strong enough to fuel me through the most hopeless and darkest of days. That thing he said once about me carrying a piece of him, he was right, even if he didn’t think so. I carried that resilient little spark that was so unbelievably good that it could have only come from one person.

The one who carried me through years of hate with a smile on his face, and love that can move mountains in his heart. If only I believed in it enough that I never fell for this trap in the first place.

How beautiful is it, being loved like that from my first day to my last? It’s a gift I won’t be able to repay him for, not in ten lifetimes. But selfishly, I still hope he’s my brother in every single one. Maybe next time, I’ll get the chance to come first and be the older one, so he can know what it’s like to always have a friend.

There’s nothing left for me to do, the mail will be picked up, and that’s my affairs in order. It’s a risk even trying to send this with no guarantee that it will work, but for Chase, it’s one I’ll happily take. “It’s time, my love,” I say, looking towards the sun, feeling the warmth on my skin. Even as the tears fall, I smile.

For every time his arms saved me from falling to pieces. For every time he saw me for the mess I truly am and loved me still. For every time his gentle touch healed the scars on my heart. I smile.

My hands shake as I twist the cap open and dump the remaining contents into my palm. The bottle isn’t full, but with a couple of swallows of vodka, it will do the job.

Guilt twists in my gut. I don’t want to do this. Not at all. But the cost of freedom is high. I won’t spend my life running from this monster. He should have done it himself, so at least my blood would remain on his hands forever. He won’t see it like that if I go out in my own way. But I guess that’s okay too. It’s mine, right? I should be the one to decide it’s my time. And without me, he’ll forget about Chase and Brady. He’ll be so furious, a giggle bursts out of my throat at the thought of his face when he comes back for me.

“There won’t be anything left for you to take,” I murmur. Not my heart, for it’s been kept safe away from his evil, and definitely not my soul. That, it will fly without the weight of all this pain.

I toss the pills into my mouth and chase them down with a swallow of the burning liquid that haunts my dreams with its sickening smell. Another for good measure, and the work is done. I fold myself up in the window seat, turn my cheek to the glass. I’ll be warm until the end, he can’t make me be cold anymore.

The world is getting blurry now, my love. Soon, it will be dark and you won’t be able to see me again, but don’t worry, I’ll still see you. You’ll be able to feel me when I’m gone. You changed my whole life, so if I make sure of one thing, it’s that my love will be there to wrap around you until you’re old and gray. I’m so sorry, for falling for you when I had so little time to give. For making you love me when I can’t stay. The next time I love you, I’ll say it on the very first day, and I’ll stay. For you, I will do better the next time, and I’ll stay.

The end.