Chapter 52

The roaring in my ears eclipses the shocked gasps and furtive whispers of the crowd. I was hoping to slip in undetected, to support Belle and the event she worked so hard to prepare for, but I should’ve known better. I should’ve known my anonymity went down the drain ever since the disastrous first press conference, the wedding, and the gala.

I’m suddenly transported back to Mom’s funeral, when I stood frozen under the spotlight, trapped by the claws of fear, a helpless prey succumbing to the predators around me.

Flashes erupt, the blinding lights glaring assaults to my eyes, and sweat gathers on my forehead. The crowd morphs into the familiar monster who had haunted me my entire life—my inner demon.

My nostrils flare as my breathing quickens. I scan the blurry faces, my hands fisted at my sides.

Until I see her.

My little muse, standing in the shadows, her luscious hair piled on top of her head, her lips parted, eyes widening.

She clutches a notepad to her chest and shrinks into the dark.

As if I can’t see her. As if she isn’t the brightest beacon in this room, the beam of the lighthouse guiding my ship to shore in the turbulent seas.

I think back to what Dr. Lin told me in our meeting yesterday.

“We’ll assemble a team for your treatment—talk therapy and medication,” Dr. Lin concluded as she left me with a prescription of SSRIs, which would slowly take effect after a few weeks and benzodiazepines for panic attacks. We also had the next three appointments scheduled .

It isn’t a magical bandage, no snap of the fingers to make everything go away.

But it’s a start.

“Mr. Anderson! Are you here to support your wife?”

“There are rumors you’ve moved out of the estate. Is your marriage on the rocks?”

“An unnamed source told us you were in a car crash a few nights ago. Do you have any comment?”

Their questions are endless, bullets fired from an automatic weapon, as reporters converge around me, their phones thrusted into my face. But my eyes are only on her, my Belle, watching her throat rippling as emotions cloud her startling eyes.

While the beginning of an anxiety attack threatens to smother me, maybe because of the medication I took beforehand or the fact I’m making a choice to fight my inner demons, I’m able to keep the panic attack at bay.

I won’t let it win this time.

“We came across a divorce filing. Is it true? Are you getting a divorce?”

Shocked gasps erupt from the crowd as more questions are thrown at me, the chaos adding to the rioting pulse hammering in my ears.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and count to five before exhaling to a count of eight and repeat the process. Dr. Lin told me longer exhales than inhales help calm the nervous system. I rub my heirloom ring, focusing on the sharp corners and gilded edges.

I’m calm. I’m at peace. I accept myself.

This time, the affirmations finally feel true, not just lip service I’ve been giving myself all these years.

My eyes flutter open and I hold up my hand. I fix my gaze on Belle as she clasps a hand over her mouth.

“I-I want to say s-something,” I murmur, but the crowd doesn’t hear me.

More questions. More lights. More noises .

Heat rushes up my spine, my lungs working in overdrive, the dark monster looming before me again.

Not today.

“Be quiet! I want to say something!” I roar.

The room abruptly silences, clearly shocked at my outburst. I hear the furtive clicking of shutters and my heavy breathing.

“T-Thank you,” I murmur. I stare at Belle as my next words tumble out of my lips. “I haven’t been honest with you all.”

More scratching of pens on paper as reporters take notes.

“When I first married my wife, it was done as a ruse to calm the media circus regarding my failed press conference. It was primarily a publicity stunt.”

A few people gasp and raise their hands. Belle’s eyes widen. Grace holds her hand in support.

I shake my head. “I’m not done. The truth is…” I tear my gaze away from the love of my life and stare into the eyes of the reporters in front of me, reminding myself they are human, just like me. Not monsters. “I have severe, debilitating, social anxiety. It prevents me from making speeches and it’s also why I avoid crowds.”

More murmurs erupt from the crowd, and I smell the headlines tomorrow.

“I don’t care what you say or write about me tomorrow.” I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants. “I’m not ashamed because it’s just a medical condition many people deal with…like diabetes or heart disease. I only regret not treating it sooner and allowing it to rule my life for so long.”

My eyes find Belle’s again, every cell in my body clamoring for her, but I know I’ve hurt her too many times, and I need to make amends. “Yes, my marriage started as a sham. An arrangement. But I love her, my wife…my muse.” My voice thickens at the end.

The fire that roared to life a few days ago is now burning hot in my veins, and I stare at her, the love of my life, hoping to convey the depths of my love for her, my sincerest regret for hurting her .

“She’s taught me my scars are beautiful, that every step I take is a sign of courage. She’s the better half of me, a woman I don’t deserve. And I’d hurt her in the past by ignoring her feelings because I was too focused on mine.”

Belle swipes her eyes, her lips trembling. Millie rubs her back as Taylor crosses her arms and frowns at me with clear disapproval.

“Belle,” I call out, “I’m sorry for taking your choice away. I’m sorry for not listening to you. I’m sorry for any tears I’ve caused you to shed.”

Thumping my chest, I let out a ragged breath. “This time, the choice is yours. Because I trust you, because you’re the best person I know. Because with you, I’ll be brave…and I’ll fight my demons. I only wish you’ll be by my side because I love you…so, so much.”

Her face crumbles and she heaves in struggling breaths. The reporters turn toward her, clearly making the connection I’m talking directly to my wife. They take a few steps toward her.

“Please! Give her space, p-please,” I murmur, and the press pauses, a few of them glancing at each other with uncertainty.

I love you, I mouth to Belle, who’s being dragged away by Taylor and Grace, with Millie following fast behind. I’ll be waiting for you.

Now and forever. This life and all the lifetimes thereafter.