16. conclaves & chaos - part 2

16

conclaves no, I have the color of them. But the shape. And her hair. It's the first time I'm really noticing just how much they look alike. It's haunting. When I first saw my mother in the dungeon—obviously not aware of who she was at first—I knew there was something familiar about her. Maybe it's what I saw when I looked at Troian all those times. Or maybe I saw myself in both of them. It was the first time I really felt the need for family in a really long time. I always wanted love but family . . . I was never really hopeful I'd get that back. I was tainted with hatred and I couldn't allow myself anything other than rage at that moment.

And here we are. As much as I want to mend whatever I can, I also know I need to stand my ground. I'm not going to let these people dictate me.

"Excuse me?" I yank my arm free from Troy's grip, though she didn't put up much of a fight like I'd hoped. "I am still your queen." My whisper is only meant for her, but I know the others hear it as Trav chuckles and Rivian watches on.

"Didn't you hear our brother? We're fancying ourselves a little family reunion," she remarks sarcastically. "Besides, if we're all dishing out our grievances, I'd say that you and I…" she steps up to me and lowers her tone, a husky timbre dripping from her lips as she finishes her statement. "We deserve a little . . . Heart to heart ."

I wince at her words; the symbolism in them haunting. She's got me there. I do owe her some kind of explanation or even maybe an apology. But Travois starts back up, breaking the tension between us.

"All I'm saying is that Lucy and I revel in our darkness. You simply avoid it because you're scared of what it will do to you when it overcomes you, because seeing as the subject of your deepest desires is your darkness, it's inevitable that you'd have to face it head on, sooner or later."

"Are you high?" Troy looks behind me to speak to Travois who—when I turn around to face him—is grinning like a madman.

"Troy," Rivian warns her.

"Sorry, but he's talking like some spiritual guide has taken over his body." She puts up her hands in defense.

"What the fuck are you insinuating here, brother? And be very selective with your words." My husband's warning doesn't do much to scare off Travois but it does send a chill down my spine.

I am finding more and more that I love the danger in him. The way he really would fight my battles for me if I wanted. It makes me feel secure in a world that I know now isn't all that safe.

"I'm saying, our dear sister here…" He points to me. "Her darkness is the abuse she endured and the idea of revenge that is undeniably attached to that, am I right sis? And her weakness, because remember, same game, different player, is love. All she craves most in this world is love but for some unexplainable reason," he turns to look at Rivian, "she keeps getting denied access to that part of her heart. You see, he relishes in a world where love is unattainable, a ruinous idea in fact. Love does not exist in Rivian's world because love only sets out to destroy. That is his darkness. That's what he's afraid of." I massage my temples, somewhat a performative action to demonstrate my annoyance with all of this talk.

He might have accurately nailed everything on the head, he might be totally off his rocker, or maybe I'm just not used to people talking so much in general, let alone with ideas and analytics on the people around them, but I am tired. Though I can't deny, Travois is extremely clever and wise. And passionate. He's lost in his own head, just like I was—maybe still am—and he projects that in his words.

"So, what you're saying is…" Troian asks him for a simple explanation which causes him to look right at me.

"Rivian is afraid of you." His words don't shock me, he told me as much the other day. But now my husband is here to face the tune of the music.

I look over at him, seeing that his eyes are on the floor at first. And slowly, he brings them up to me.

I see everything and nothing in them all at once. But there is truth. Rivian fears me because he sees in me what he saw in his mother. A light, hope, comfort and love. And it was ripped from him. He hurt so badly that he needed to make himself believe he can never have love again. He's afraid of that devastatingly empty feeling of having someone you love pried from your heart so he closed himself off to the idea.

I understand. But he doesn't have anything to fear when it comes to me.

"That's enough of your stupid mind games, Trav," Rivian breaks the mental bond building between us to address his brother finally. "What does this have to do with Lucynda's accusation?"

"You're right, I got off track." He winks at me. "But that? I did that because I got tired of living by the rules. I am a monster, I have needs. I don't choose to hide my darkness; I kept it close by in case I ever got bored and wanted to shake things up a little. Or maybe I knew I was going to need it to remind me that it is my nature to be a predator." Travois looks over at Rivian. "Unlike you, I'm not weak. I have control of what I crave and well . . . I decided to fulfill my hunger." I'm a little shocked by his admission, and I can tell so are the other two.

But why do I feel like he's being hypocritical? We all have something to hide and in the midst of his mad-hatter blabbery , I get the feeling that he is not exempt from that notion.

I can't help but to see the similarities in him and Rivian. They just refuse to believe that, and they both have to have power to present their case, whatever it may be.

"You're cruel," Troy remarks, a very pointed look of disgust covering her face.

Travois doesn't respond and while I can understand what he's saying, I still don't fully grasp what this has to do with anything. His defense to killing two innocent humans is because he simply got tired of controlling his darkness and wants to live by his own rules? What would his own rules be? But then what does that make of me? Granted, my condition worsened due to a curse but I'm sure I was bound to snap at some point. But then what about my husband and his selfish plans for payback? Is it excused because he was a victim to his darkness? What's that make of him? Or Troian? She can't be the exception.

The conclusion I come to is . . . he's wrong. He's just trying to justify his actions over everyone else's, over mine and over Rivian's. Well, maybe he's got some things figured out but at the end of the day, we fall into the darkness we keep, whether out in the open or not, because we want to feel something. We might not mean to fall, but we do. Human or vampire alike. Even those who are inherently good might fall victim to it, but then that says a lot about them and who they really are underneath. But how do we crawl back out? What if we don't want to? What if we're trapped?

"Wait, this is what you fought with Trinity about that night, isn't it?" Rivian's voice kicks me out of my mental evaluation. Thank God because I was starting to get lost in my own thoughts as well.

"She found me soaked in blood. I thought she'd be asleep by the time I got back but I was mistaken. She didn't understand my need ." Travois answers my husband without even looking at him. Instead, he looks at me as if he's trying to say something to me.

And I hear him. I feel it too. Just like I'm sure Rivian does when he tries to pretend that he doesn't want to rip into someone for sport. But he's conducted himself by the rules other than the agenda he's been plotting since the moment he turned. But I've been there, and like I said, it could have been because of the extra added support to my condition but I know that I was going to break for that need eventually. The only difference is that I would have still felt guilt for it; Travois revels in it.

"That poor girl. You're ruining her," Troy spits out at him, obviously feeling defensive about whoever Trinity is.

"Good thing I could care less about what you, or my fiancé, or anyone else thinks of me." Well, here's my answer. Trav turns his attention back to his sister. Our sister. "Besides, she's ruined herself."

Whatever that means. I already have enough family drama as it is, I don't necessarily want to dive into whatever else he's got going on outside of these walls.

"Why even bother taking a fiancé then, Travois?" Rivian steps up and focuses his words and eyes on Trav, this entire conclave feeling like a petty game of back and forth at this point. "Let her go. No one is holding you to this Society."

"Oh, I bet you'd like that wouldn't you, brother?" Trav fires back.

Rivian takes another step in his direction, and I can tell he's trying his best not to let the anger get the best of him as he tries to lower his voice but instead it comes out with a hint of demand. "You act as if you've had life at its worst. So far, the only reason you gave me for your immature grudge you hold is that you felt as if daddy didn't pay you enough attention."

"I was waiting for you to fail!" Travois' voice rings through the castle in a fit of rage, the boom of it echoing off the walls and burning in my ears. "I did my part! I accepted my destiny to Trinity in hopes that I would be the one to play your part, the king. " His demeanor is sinister as his eyes light with fire, twisting in hues of dark grays with dark clouds, indicating his thirst for blood.

"Travois," Troy whispers to him in an attempt to keep him calm. To some extent, it works as his fury settles down and his eyes go back to normal.

Talk about anger issues, that one.

"Enough about me. What about her?" Travois points his finger in my direction and my body tenses, not loving the accusing undertone in his voice.

"What about me?" I look over to Rivian who seems to understand just what my brother is asking.

"Your husband, gracious as he is, had you drying out in the pretty dungeon for quite some time," he starts. "I know there has to be more to the story. And don't worry, I know all about the two dozen bodies Troy dropped in the ocean."

"How did you…" Troy starts but she doesn't get to finish her question.

"Once I was let out, the first place I went to was the Gilded Hollow. I had the same idea she did." He nods his head at me once more. "I needed to feed and I knew there would be a sea of fish waiting to be hooked in that joint. Imagine my surprise when I showed up and everyone was already dead. Shortly after, I watched Troy show up five men deep and they got rid of the evidence."

Realization dawns on all of us. Rivian because he obviously was trying to keep my condition a secret and now, it risks getting free. Troian because she clearly didn't want to get caught cleaning up my mess. And me, because now I know that she's been helping my husband cover the tracks of my mistakes after I tore her heart out. What a family.

"That's when I found you in the basement, chained and despaired. Whoever let me free told me that you nearly killed our sister. But I knew there was something more. A reason why you went berserk. So, what caused you to be so hungry for blood, little sister ?"

I hate this feeling. The one where maybe he's proven right about me but also, them knowing that I was capable of so much pain. Spilled so much blood. And what's worse, is I know they'll figure out that I liked it. Or at least in that moment I think I did, I really don't know what I think of my actions right now except for the fact that I am scared for that curse to come back.

Rivian, has detrimental to my emotional state and mental health as he's been so far, has promised to do right going forward so I need to trust him in this moment to see how he handles it. How I handle it. And it's time to see if my siblings can handle it.

I open up my thoughts the best I know how to let Rivian in. It's okay, I say to him. Tell them as much as you want . I take a deep breath as his eyes bore into mine, reading what I'm telling him. We'll be fine .

He nods in approval and turns to the twins, both of them eager for what he's about to tell them.

"She's cursed. The Lavender Curse." I gauge their reactions. Troy seems unfazed by the news, likely because she already knew but my brother…

"What the fuck is she still doing alive?" He charges for me, and I jump back.

"Stay the fuck away from her!" Rivian reaches him before he can make contact with me and pushes him backward.

"You know?" Trav looks to his twin.

"Rivian says he has it under control." She crosses her arms to announce her stance, not threatened by the way her brother is reacting. She has every right to hate me, yet she's standing against him in defense of me.

"Here I am being framed for some kind of mass treason and our psychotic sister has gone full lavender ."

"You are guilty of part of that treason," I remind him and I fully expect him to come after me again, but instead he just pulls at his hair in frustration.

"Nathairia gave her an herb to quell the rage," Rivian explains.

"What happens when the herbs let up? She could and can kill us all." I understand Trav's concerns, they're of my own the same. But part of me had hoped that he would listen and use his own analyzing and judgmental words to understand why this happened.

"You didn't seem too afraid of me when you snapped my neck last night." I don't mean to say it out loud, but the words fall from my lips like a sad afterthought. He wanted to show me who was the boss of us. He had no fear when he thought I was just a girl who decided to fulfill her darkness like his. But now, as I see the slight fear in his eyes, I know he now understands that we are not the same. My darkness encumbers his every time, and I will show him who the boss is if that's the kind of game my sibling likes to play.

"You what ?" Rivian's low growl breeds wrath, his eyes turning up to, once again, threaten Trav.

"Just a little bit of sibling fun, lighten up," Travois quips in an attempt to get on Rivian's nerves and I get extremely tired of the back and forth we seem to find ourselves in. A dance of who can step on the most toes the hardest.

"I started the fire. I-" I decide to put an end to all the bullshit and be forthcoming about my sins "After I ripped out Troian's heart, I staked Rivian, and I left the castle to burn."

I turn to Troian. "I don't think I can apologize. I did what I thought was right in that moment. I am sorry I used you for my actions but I don't know if I'm sorry for my actions. I thought that if I took something from . . . our mothe r, the same way she took something from Rivian, that I could prove my loyalty to him. I didn't know who she was when I did it. All I know is that I wanted her to hurt the way I heard pain drip from Rivian in that moment."

"Why the fuck would you need to do that to prove yourself to him in that way?" Troian asks and I try to dig deep for the answer. I don't know what to say. I just felt the need to defend him, show him that I really was on his side no matter the cost. I still am, I think. But I know now that if I'm going to fight our battles, I risk hurting others in the process. And it's up to me to decide if I'm okay with that.

"Again, I didn't know you were my sister and I…" I trail off, knowing that the rest isn't my truth to tell. She might not accept my excuse for what I've done, but I'm glad it's off my chest.

I look to Rivian who's watching me, pride swelling in his eyes and I know that whatever else is left to say is on him.

Troy and Trav turn to my husband. "Hello?" Troian pushes him for more answers and I'm surprised when he gives them what they ask for.

"She did it for me. I was trying to kill Ameliana." The admission stings them. Specifically my sister. I saw it on her face the night everything happened.

"Rivian, why?" Her tone is defeated but not without a little hint of awareness. I can tell she knew Rivian was hiding something in regard to her mother, now she can finally get her reason.

I watch Travois fight back the irritation growing inside, but he too looks tired.

"Because she's the reason my mom was banished. She abandoned you, then abandoned Lucynda." He looks at me for approval and I nod. "She didn't do anything to stop the torture Renard put me through, letting her husband abuse and then . . . she killed me."

My heart sinks for him. Whatever he went through, it tortured him. I still hate him for the part he made me play in all this, but I can't hate his reasons. We all have something that drives our actions and behaviors. He just happened to focus on nothing else.

I see a tear fall down Troy's cheek which gives me goosebumps. I can tell her love for her brothers means everything to her and she's not afraid to show that in front of them. I want that. Crave it.

The light in the room shifts as the sun passes through clouds outside and snow starts to fall again.

"You've been visiting her for however long, brother," Rivian starts as he looks up to Travois. "I need to know; did she say anything to you about Viktrum or the Rogue or…" Rivian swallows. "Anything at all?"

I watch as Trav chews over the question. It looks like he's trying to find a way to say something that he might not want to say. Does he know something?

"We have to figure out what Viktrum is up to," Troian says, wiping her eyes and turning to face us once more.

"Ameliana never said anything to me," Trav responds before sighing what sounds like a sigh of inconvenience. "Because she doesn’t say anything to me at all."

Everyone hangs on to his words. A confession? But what does it mean?

"Travois . . . what are you saying?" Troian seems confused by his admission while I'm just here trying to follow along.

"I found her years ago. I never told anyone because I wanted to protect her. I spoke to her one time, that was it. She asked about you,” he looks to Troy. “But we didn’t discuss much else other than the normal distant pleasantries. She gave me access to come back and I did, but I never knew what to say. So I never said anything at all. I knew there was a reason she ran so I didn't expose her. But we've…" Something shifts in Travois. I can't tell what it is but he doesn't seem so self assured in this moment. "I never spoke to her again. I just watched. She probably thinks I abandoned her or something, but I couldn’t force myself to pretend that I cared about her absence any longer,” he finishes and I don't know what it’s supposed to mean, but I see his siblings carry disbelief and disappointment on their faces.

"Well, I can't say this changes anything one way or the other." Rivian paces near me, obviously trying to decide how to approach things now.

"Do you really think she would know anything about this Rogue to begin with? I mean, what has you thinking as much?" I turn to ask him, trying to get things finished up here so I can give my brain a break.

Troy and Trav just stare at each other as if they're having some kind of twin fight or something.

"She has to know." Troy breaks her silence and opts to place herself back in the plan. "Didn't you say she was married to someone in Valor Cove now?"

"Dominek. Viktrum's brother," Rivian answers.

I do my best to listen to their conversation and take as much information in as possible.

They talk about how Dominek was declared dead by Viktrum as one of the Royals in the accusation of treason. Troy offers to have a one on one with him but Trav decides getting him to talk would be impossible. My head bounces back and forth between the three of them as they talk out a plan.

I hear Troian offering that Zharus might be able to get them into the castle—she mentions the fact that she caught him sneaking in already so it shouldn't be that hard. But Rivian comes to his defense slightly by stating that him having some kind of secret tryst with a Valor Nocturne doesn't make him an easy ally for what they need to do. But Troian offers that he might be sleeping with someone who knows something and maybe they should be questioning him first.

The conversation jumps to how Travois might need to keep a low profile for a while until they figure things out, Rivina offering him to keep an eye on Zharus in the meantime.

"Your scrawny little Factotum?" Travois responds which causes me to chuckle under my breath a little.

I turn my head back to Troy who reminds her brother of the accusations against him and how someone might know what he did and is using that to their advantage.

Rivian reminds us that Zharus is hiding something from him, but he just doesn't know what.

Back and forth the possibilities and ideas keep bouncing between them and I'm finding it fairly simple to keep up until…

"I don't care how you guys get into Valor Cove, but you have to find out what she knows. If Dominek is really alive like Ameliana claims, then we know that Viktrum is behind this somehow. Maybe she'll be willing to talk to the both of you." I look over to Rivian whose eyes bounce between me and my sister while he speaks, obviously giving us a direct order that I might have only heard half of.

"Wait, are you talking to me?" I hook my thumb in my direction, my eyes wide when I realize he really was giving me direction.

"You and Troy," he confirms, and I spin the responsibility in my head.

Go to Valor.

Talk to my mother.

The one I tried to kill the other night.

Interrogate her.

Again.

Talk to her.

"Lucynda? You good?" I look up to see Troian studying me, and I give her a curt nod knowing that I need to do what needs to be done. I can do it. I can face my mother. This time, I know she's my mom.

A mix of feelings surge through me. Nervousness, anxiety, power, control, heartbreak, defeat, confidence, inclusion. Everything crashes against my heart in violent waves, battling out the storm of things thundering against my reserve. The emotions are magnified. I know that. But I've never felt so unsure about my feelings than right now. Not only that, I can feel the threat of the curse knocking at my door which is likely causing me to carry more confusion in my demeanor.

But I'll fight through this. I know what I want and I know what I need. That will always be clear.

"And you?" I shake my head clear and look over to my husband.

But he doesn't answer me right away as the sound of footsteps approaches and we all turn toward the door to see Kacian standing in the entry.

I hate to say it, but I do kind of miss having him to follow me around or guide me one way or the other. I never loved not having freedom, but I am slowly learning that freedom means having people on your side.

He looks at me first, and I smile. He doesn't do much back to acknowledge me and while he's always had a somewhat monotone personality, I can sense something is off.

"I have some personal business to take care of." Rivian's words break the tension a bit and I look at him, accepting his answer.

Trav takes off without another word as Troy waits for me before leading us to the exit, passing Kacian on the way. I hate that he doesn't even look down at me as we leave.

"Oh, and Lucynda?" I turn around to Rivian's call for me. "Meet me in the foyer in two hours. Dress warm."

And then we leave.