14. pacify

14

pacify

Lucynda

October 27th

Last night's events echo heavily against my heart. I've always been a sucker for a sad story, having been through one of my own. And while I knew that Rivian had his own demons he was hiding, I never really anticipated the reveal of his darkest, deepest, secrets. He fed me his reasons for the way his mind works, he let me in on the very thing that ticks in his brain when he wakes in the morning and along with the anger that rages within me, there's also my condolences for the death of the little boy he so eagerly needed to be.

He grew up too fast. Maybe in vampire nature, it's inevitable, but he was forced to be the man of the house simply because his wasn't accepting of him.

As I turn to look at my husband, the deep red silk sheets of his bed wrapped effortlessly around his bare body, his legs tangled with mine in a position that feels entirely too domestic given our situation, I can see the pain layered on his face, even if he doesn't think it's showing. I see it. I couldn't before, though I always suspected he was hiding something, but I see it now.

The curse, his past traumas, the part he played in my life . . . all of it together truly starts to make sense. Like every little detail is a piece to a puzzle and he and I collectively make it whole. It may not be the most stunning of pictures and it might be dark, desolate and undeniably sad but it's there, and it's ours.

Rivian stirs next to me, his eyes still closed as he rolls his body away from mine. I watch as he stretches and I let my eyes linger a little too long. Hovering over the lips that haunt mine, the light scruff of facial hair that caresses his face, the length of his dark lashes. I drag my eyes eagerly down to his neck, the way I can now sense his pulse the way he always seems to intricately find mine, which causes me to venture down to his chest where I can hear his heart beating.

Powers I now possess that I haven't been able to fully grasp because I went from being a newly turned vampire queen to a monstrous shadow in the night. As I glide my eyes over the bare visible parts of Rivian's body while he attempts to wake, I make a note to ask him about what knowledge others might have of my condition and how we're going to combat their concerns.

As I glance back up to dream about having his lips back on mine, I notice that he's been watching me this whole time.

I quickly check myself and turn over, giving him my back and pretending like I wasn't ogling him intentionally. But after everything we've done these past few days, I shouldn't be ashamed or feel awkwardness when staring at my husband. Though given the circumstances and everything we've faced and still must face, I don't want to get too complacent. Not when I'm unsure if I'll even make it out of this curse.

I feel the dip of the bed as his weight leaves the space beside me. I immediately miss having him close to me, even if I don't want to admit it. I am still very upset with him for all he's done, but I heard his story and I can understand his motives to an extent. I can't possibly know his hurt or his tribulations, I can only learn how to accept it and find a way to forgive him, if that's something I want.

But saying as much won't be as easy as actually giving in to the sentiment. Forgiveness isn't something I've dabbled with too much. Just as Travois said in my decaying daze—in other words; I am inherently made to hold on to the grudges I form due to those who hurt me, never forgiving and never forgetting, but harboring that hatred into something dark and sinister because I thrive in my knowledge that I am above their pain. I will use their betrayal to serve my purpose in this world.

As a human, it just made me stronger in my belief that no one can hurt me and that I will condemn anyone who thinks they can inflict any more pain onto me. It made me cautious and adept at standing my ground.

As a vampire, it created a fire in me to crave the actual pain of others in order to counteract my own. I felt it creep up inside of me, giving me insight into how much power I actually hold and what I can do to enact the very thing I decided against but what Rivian made me believe I needed. I know I would have been able to control that desire and manifested it into my duties required as the new queen. I believe I am strong enough that I would have been able to still deny the hunger in me to inflict torment onto my enemies in order to play the role I signed up for, even if Rivian wouldn't give me the chance. But the curse…

As a lavendulan messorem Nocturne, everything was too overpowering for me to gain control of my needs to be vengeful. I couldn't avoid it. Even now, though calmed by the herbs that suppress the curse, I can still feel the remnants of that burning thirst to be the villain without any care or feeling of consequence to my heinous actions.

Then there's Rivian and his egregious agendas. Even if the curse would have never found its way tangled into the depths of my soul, I was bound to fail in my convictions and faith in my strength to persevere, to combat my own desires to be detrimental, because his very existence in my life was forged out of hate. I don't know how I would have handled that if I hadn't been prone to the destruction of this curse. Could I have been strong enough to truly understand him then? To forgive him? Or would it had never even gotten to that point because in the end, his plan was to destroy everything, him included. Does that mean me too?

"You know. Our conversation last night doesn't have to be concluded if you have more questions." Rivian's voice feathers like a gentle caress in the air between us, my back still to him as I hear him shuffle around near the bed.

I forgot, he can read my mind. And now, since I'm a Royal, I can read his. I wasn't able to do that before. I remember somewhere that only a Royal Nocturne can read another Royal Nocturnes' mind. In fact, Royal vampires can read everyone's mind.

I turn to face him, feeling his eyes on me before I can confirm that they actually are. When I look at him, he's watching me intently. I feel assaulted by the greens that swirl in his irises yet comforted in the stare that bores into me.

I don't know the first thing about being able to read minds. Again, more abilities that I haven't been able to practice at yet.

"It's not as easy as it sounds," he answers me.

I can't decide if I like or dislike that he can answer my thoughts so easily. Especially because as I try to focus my eyes on his and attempt to listen to his own thoughts, nothing happens.

"Come here," he says to me as he holds out his hand for me. I hesitate, not sure if I want to entertain simplicity this morning. Though, the ability to reach into the thoughts of another's head isn't all that simple I suppose.

I keep the silk sheet wrapped around my body and tuck it in so that it doesn't fall when I decide to move off the bed. I scoot toward the side he waits for me at and put my hand in his so that he can help me off.

When I stand, we're so close that I can feel his heat; the warmth of his body radiates and settles over mine and I feel guarded by the way it smothers me. He presses a kiss to my head, and part of me wants to retract and leave him hanging, but there's always that part of me that's been drawn to Rivian and having him close is something I can't deny myself of no matter how irate I am with him. So I let his kiss linger for a few moments against my skin before I pull away, gasping for a silent breath simultaneously.

"Reading someone's mind, while an ability of ours, takes a lot of skill. There's a focus mechanism deep in our own brains that we have to manifest. But in order to come close to penetrating someone's mind, you have to clear your own." Rivian guides me to the ornate, gothic style mirror that is built into the wall and places us in front of it. Me in the center, and him right behind me. "During our wedding ceremony, when we were conversing back and forth, that was me allowing you to have my thoughts. That's different than you entering my mind without my permission," he states as he closes any space left behind me and fits his body against mine.

He uses his fingers to brush my hair away from one shoulder and sweeps it over the other. He doesn't shy away from allowing his fingers to skate seductively over my skin as he does. The warmth between us shifts to a fiery feeling that tingles across my flesh.

"It's true, you and I can now read each other's thoughts and anyone else with even a sliver of Royal blood can participate in the same. It’s just not as clear for them if they're not full-blooded.”

"What's it mean to not be full-blooded?" I ask, not moving my head from staring straight into our reflections. I can see him gazing over my bare shoulder and skin, the silk sheet still wrapped tightly around me. The only thing between us otherwise is his sweatpants.

"Do you remember our conversation in the forest?" he asks without looking up at me.

"Yes," I whisper.

"It's like I said. The Twins and I were born from human mothers while our father Renard was Royal. However, we were born out of a Royal marriage, meaning at some point after our births, the blood binds were performed which generated our own Royal blood. So that would make us full-blooded Royals. Someone whose mother remained human or didn't become Royal would be considered a half-blood." I appreciate his explanation once more, seeing as there are so many working parts to this world, and surely, I can't be expected to keep all the information contained right away.

Just then, something that Rivian and I talked about in the forest that day comes to mind.

"About five years after I was born, my father met his anima vinculum . They married immediately and she ended up pregnant with twins."

"Troian and Travois," I note.

"Correct. But she didn't end up blood-tying with my father. After she gave birth to the twins, she ran off in an attempt to escape, leaving her kids behind. It took my father eleven years to find her and bring her back to finish what they started. But she ran away again a few years later.”

"So, Travois and Troy were half-bloods?" I question in response to the memory.

"At first, yes. When my father found Ameliana, she performed her blood bind. Naturally, that affixed the twins' blood to then reflect the same. They became full-blooded Royals." He's not condescending or annoyed as he answers me and I'm grateful for it. But more questions form, and I worry that there won't be enough time to get answers to them all.

"So when my mother . . . I mean, Ameliana ran away the first time, after she gave birth to the twins, technically she was already married to your dad."

"Correct."

Everything in this moment feels normal to me. Like it did before I turned to a vampire. When I met him at the bookstore. The moment in my living room after the masquerade party. The time in the hallway downstairs when I first made my decision to join him. I was unsure then, and I might be a little unsure now. But I'm not scared.

Only now, my feelings for him are compellingly intense. More than they've ever been and part of me wonders if it's due to the lingering effects of the curse or if it's the heightened emotions from being a vampire in general or if . . . I simply have true, unrelenting, genuine feelings for him. Even with the knowledge of his betrayal still eating away in the back of my mind, I can't escape my desire for him.

I turn around to look at him, only turning my head over my shoulder and finally, he brings his eyes to mine. He searches for something, maybe he's hoping for forgiveness.

"Does that make us . . . step siblings?" My question comes out shy as I realize the dynamic we could be living in.

He closes his eyes and a crooked smirk forms against his lips as he scoffs gently. "I guess in the human world, it can be seen that way." Does his response do anything to reveal any doubts in my head? No. Does it mean anything different? No.

As it is, stranger things are at hand. I'm a vampire for crying out loud.

Rivian reaches for my chin with his other hand and forces my head straight, so that I'm looking back in our reflection in the mirror. I see the hunger that detonates in his eyes, likely the reason why he turned me away. But it's still there and I feel it down to my core.

"Whatever it is you're thinking, rid yourself of it. You have to create space for whatever you plan to pull from another's mind. Royal or not, you can take their thoughts." His direction is clear and I almost can't focus on it because the way his voice clings to my heart sends intense tremors of lust shattering inside me.

But I hunker down and do as he says. I close my eyes at first, thinking that would do the trick. But then suddenly the beat of his heart against my back starts to tease me and I can feel my own hunger take over.

"Lucynda." Rivian's tone is a warning and I open my eyes to find him deeply entranced with my reaction.

"I'm sorry, I…" I trail off, wanting to perform this task. But I can't not feel him everywhere.

"I think I need…" I fade again, my words seemingly scarce as I feel a dizziness start to berate me. My body tingles, but not out of pleasure this time.

" Fuck ," I hear him say under his breath as he leaves myself for just a moment and comes back right as I fall to the ground.

My arms feel heavy, yet weightless.

"Here." I keep my eyelids as wide as I can to see that Rivian is holding one of the cookies he'd given me yesterday.

"The curse?" I ask and he simply places the pastry against my lip.

"It's safe to say the effects likely wore off and your body was bound to feel weak from the lack of suppressant. I guess now we know the suppressant doesn't last long." As I chew on the grainy cookie, I notice that there would be only one left after this. I guess I need to stop wasting time with trivial questions and do what I can to help my husband get the kingdom back in order before I'm lost to the curse completely once and for all.

"Your questions aren’t trivial." He reads my mind once more and I give him a look that says he's not playing fair, and I'm rewarded with a soft chuckle that warms my belly.

After I finish the cookie, I look up at Rivian who has me laid out in his lap as he sits on the floor. One hand under my head and lifting me up slightly while the other is hung over my stomach, holding me tightly to him, and his thumb is rubbing circles on top of the fabric that still covers me, the pressure of his touch feathering through the silk and onto the skin of my hip where he rubs me gently.

I decide to pull myself up so that I sit on my own accord and he leans back to allow me the room.

"Maybe we should do this a different day," I tell him, referring to the mind control lessons.

"I'm sure you'll get it on your own," he assures me and I smile at his hope.

Silence shadows us for a few beats before he breaks through it.

"Your pulse is weak." He analyzes and I'm not quite sure what that means. "Here." He reaches for me and I get to my knees before scooting a tad closer into him.

He holds me by my wrist and makes sure I'm stabilized as I position myself in front of him. Rivian cranes his neck to one side and watches me as I come to terms with what he's doing.

"Rivian…" I let my voice fade. I know I need to feed and I know that's what he's doing.

"Cyn, you need to." His tone doesn't allow for me to second guess the action. He's stern and convincing. He's always been that way with me, and it's something I wasn't sure I appreciated at first. I don't like being told what I have to do. But in this instance, I know he's doing it for me and I can't deny that I want to sink my teeth into his skin.

I lean in and watch as his chest rises and falls with his calculated breaths. I can hear his heart the closer I get. I feel the sheet covering me start to unravel as the end of it is likely caught under me somewhere so I hold it to my chest with one hand as I reach for his neck with the other.

I'm eager. Not just for blood but to taste him. To have my mouth on his skin again.

He doesn't say a word as he waits for me to make contact and as zeal as I am, I have to force myself to take my time so that I don't totally ravish him.

He holds me by the small of back, wrapping both hands around me to close me in and hold me close. I can feel the eagerness shed from him as well but he doesn't push for his as he allows me to adjust to him. I lower my lips to his neck, feeling the pulse in his neck as my mouth closes around him, tasting his flesh and feeling the warmth melt onto my tongue.

"Jesus," he grits out as I suck his neck for a beat. I feel his grip deepen as his fingers dig into my skin and a moan escapes me.

I bare my teeth the next second and tremble at the thought of breaking through his skin, shivers run up and down my arms and my spine. I feel pressure in my gums as my teeth form to points which allow me to puncture his neck and the way he quakes against me brings me to fucking life.

The tangy scent of blood permeates the air as the taste of copper hits my tongue. I groan into his neck as I drink from him, not paying attention as I squirm against him.

He helps me to gain better access by lifting me and wrapping my legs around him to straddle him. I have to let go of the silk blanketing me to hold onto his shoulder for better purchase, causing the covering to fall off my body but nothing is of focus other than my consumption of Rivian's blood.

I don't know how much to take, but I know he'll stop me if it's too much so I take my time as I let the blood melt onto my tongue, feeling the way the viscid liquid slides down my tongue as I swallow against his neck.

I still rock, absentmindedly, against him, but this time I feel an intrusion at my core. His cock is hard at my center as I hold onto his shoulders and feed from his neck, squirming against him over and over.

"Cyn." His whisper of my name is breathy and filled with undeniable desire which causes me to react, grinding against him now willingly as I pull blood from his neck.

All at once, everything starts to build in tandem with the euphoric taste that glides against my tongue. Rocking, sucking, moaning, and swallowing. Every single movement I make feels tenfold and I can't hold back when an orgasm crests.

Rivian removes a hand to pull away the rest of the fabric that once wrapped around me, leaving me fully naked to his half-dressed body.

The throbbing in my clit starts to scream as I force my mouth away from Rivian's neck to allow myself a breath while he helps me grind into him, securing his hold on the small of back.

"I need you," I cry out and he wastes no time lifting up to pull his sweats down, revealing his thick erection.

My cheeks heat, my body flushes like it's on fire. He positions me back over him. I seat myself in his lap, coming up on my knees for better control and I work my pussy around him.

" Fuck ," he says in a deep grumble.

I use my grip on his shoulders to ground me as I work him in and out of me, desperate to relieve the pressure building. It doesn't take long before the both of us reach the peak of pleasure, grasping for each other like we want to rip each other open, skin for skin.

His eyes are heavy, twisted with dark wisps of smoke that grip the greens in them. I watch as blood spills from the wound in his neck and that's when my release reaches me in the most delirious way. I lean into his neck to muffle my intense screams of pleasure, tasting the blood that spilled there simultaneously. He grips me tighter while his own release pummels through him, his dick throbs against the clench of my pussy as he groans my name over and over.

I spend myself, flush and satiated against my husband feeling completely full yet entirely weak to the throes of my orgasm. I let my tongue lap gently at the blood on his skin while he finds his calm after the storm.

We are utter chaos, taunting and teasing each other with our sexual needs while in the midst of battle.

I pull away from him and start to feel the remnants of guilt eat at me slowly.

"I'm sorry," I say as I search eagerly for the silk sheet and wrap it around me before removing myself from his lap. I don't want him to think I used him; I don't want him to feel as if I'm leading him on. Last night was one thing, but this . . . this shouldn't have happened when we have business to attend to and so much more to figure out.

But something snaps in Rivian. I'm barely up on my feet before he has his pants back on and he is pushing me up against the wall.

It shakes me, the force of his actions, because I don't expect it. I make a mental note that I need to always be prepared for intrusion and violation of any kind.

My body is flush against the wall just as his is to me. His hand is tangled in my hair while the other palms the wall by my head. His face dipped down to mine, his eyes bleed with some kind of passionate rage while his tone lowers to a throaty warning.

"Don't you ever fucking apologize for taking what is owed to you. You are the queen of this castle and if you demand pleasure from your king, you take it proudly, Lucynda. Sorry is not a word in your vocabulary. Do you understand me?"

He was calm and sincere with me before. This . . . this is an intense need to put me in my place. But this doesn't seem to be out of need for control or out of pity or guilt for what has been done for me. This is because he believes me to be the rightful queen to this kingdom and all other trials and tribulations aside, he will see that I take the respect I am entitled to even when it comes to him.

"I understand," I whisper, trying to hide the slide unsubtly that grips my tone.

"Love me or hate me, you will demand my respect and I will give it to you without a fucking question. Don't ever let anyone treat you otherwise, little one." He backs up away from me and walks for the door.

I've never been told that I am owed something, let alone respect or demand. Yet, his attention on me feeds me these superficial ideas of just how powerful I am in this position. I won't abuse that power. Not intentionally. And asking for anything doesn't come naturally for me. But his threat has me realizing just how seriously I need to take this role no matter the ask.

"We're needed in fifteen minutes. I'll meet you in the Great Hall." Rivian leaves me against the wall and takes the air in my lungs with him.

As I watch him disappear, I'm stuck with two words ringing in my ears.

Love me.

Love me.

I thought I did.

Once.

I wanted to.

I think.

But I wanted him to feel it too.

And now…

I just don't know.