11. to be your salvation

11

to be your salvation

Lucynda

Caged in. That's how I feel. Like I'm trapped inside someone I don't recognize and I feel the need to claw at my skin.

Whatever little lavender herbs Rivian fed me, suppressed my need to covet the pain of others, to rage against those who have hurt me and to want annihilation. Now, I'm calm and somewhat satiated, but confusion still eats at me as I caress the velvet skin of Rivian's erection, up and down as my mind plays with the thoughts rattling my brain.

Is he good or is he bad?

Am I innocent or am I evil?

How did I become so sinister? Vilified. Burned.

Now, I can't stand the idea that I am the reason behind arson, bloodshed, and needing to see people fear me. But before . . . it's what I craved. And it might have only lasted for a couple of hours before I was bound to chains to keep from tearing anyone else's throats out—starved so that my spirit crippled and put out any flames that were lit inside of me—but it was an exhilarating time and even though now my head is clearer, I still feel that little twitch of satisfaction tickle my mind.

But that's not me. That's not who I am, is it? I'm strong in my convictions, whatever they may be. But I know that I am not guilty of much other than wanting to be worthy of someone's time and attention, their life and their love.

That's where things went south with Rivian. Not only was he pretending that he didn't see that kind of fulfillment in me but he was purposefully denying me of my desires in order to move forward with his. But I refuse to come this far and give everything up.

An outsider looking in might think: There's always divorce. Just leave him. Start over with someone new. But it's not about that and I'm sure it’s a lot easier said than done. It's about my fight within myself to prove that I am not who I have been forged to be by everyone else in my life, anointed with their execration and denounced to the shadows.

Besides, I am supposed to be a queen to a society of Nocturnes, and wife to a king and now . . . I have siblings and a mother that I am eager to get to know now that I might actually have a chance.

But first, if I ever stand a chance in this world—to survive my newest sins and to, more importantly, survive myself—I have to learn how to trust again. And my idea for trust building when it comes to Rivian is outlandish, but it's all I can think of right now.

I use my toes to pull at the device to unplug the bath, letting all of the dirtied water escape down the drain.

"Not here." Rivian looks down between us where I grip him eagerly before he nods in the direction of the bed.

I reach behind me to start a run of fresh, hot water before I look back at him.

"I think here is the perfect place." I lean in and manifest whatever sexual demon I can conjure, kind of like the one that came out the night he found me at the piano. It's not hard, because in my vampirism, I am tunnel vision when it comes to pleasure.

His.

Mine.

Ours.

I crave it. And I know he's not opposed to it either. So here I am ready to perform some crazy, unorthodox way for us to keep exploring each other's desires—even though I am still very angry with him—all while testing just how far I can take this out-of-pocket trust-fall experiment.

My lips graze his ear and I can feel his dick pulse in my hands.

"I don't want you to let me up until you come in my mouth." I whisper and even I feel hunger at my words.

The look of realization covers his face as he looks down, both of us seeing that I hold him under water.

"Lucynda, you can't possibly be too stubborn to think that you can hold your breath for more than a minute underwater. Especially with my cock down your throat at that." His rebuttal is true, I know I can't hold my breath that long. And I'm definitely bound to gag or choke which will only ruin my chances of control. But part of me finds that thrilling.

Besides, I won't die. Not really. I'll recover from the drowning eventually. I am, after all, immortal now.

"My point exactly." I pump him in my hand a few times, possibly cheating by trying to get him a little closer to release. But then I let go of him while I scoot back to prepare myself to dip my head under water.

"What point?" He asks as I replace the plug to the drain and let the water run for a few more minutes to ensure there's enough for what I need. That, and pure water is what I'm after.

"The one where I might be able to trust you again." I smirk and he gives me a confused but deviant look.

"I know you won't let me drown. I know you'll finish in time to let me breathe." His dick bobs in the water, there's now a good few inches of water above it before it reaches air.

I turn around to turn off the faucet and then meet his eyes again.

"Plus," I say to him as I position myself once more. "We've been playing this game of settling up ever since we've met, and I think I owe you one for taking care of me right now."

"You don't need to repay me for anything. Ever, Cyn. You are my wife." I hear the sincerity in his tone but it's laced with so much lust, I can't seem to think of anything other than getting my lips wrapped around him.

"And right now, your wife wants to see just how much she can trust you." I bat my eyes at him, before I look down at his cock.

"Let me be your salvation," I whisper and then, I sink under into the water.

I close my eyes for a brief second before I open them again to see the watery film before me. The crystal-clear water doesn't limit my eyesight too much as I reach for his erection and waste no time pulling it into my mouth. I can hear him groan above the water, and the way his body shudders sends pleasure to my core. But I grip the base of his dick and blow my cheeks out as I start thrusting him into my mouth.

He's rock hard, and I can feel every ridge of his flesh against my tongue as I suck him in and out. I close my eyes for a few thrusts to focus on the way he's reacting above me and to hopefully take away thoughts of not being able to breathe.

"Fuck, Cyn." I hear him in a faded moan. It makes me go faster and deeper. But that was my mistake.

Feeling the tip of him hit the back of my throat causes me to open my mouth slightly and water nearly escapes in. I have to control the intake or I will be bound to choke on water.

I look up at him through the water, I can see he's already focused his eyes on me. Tears burn at the corners of my eyes and I urge them not to shed in hopes that if I can keep them at bay, I won't need to scream for air. But my lungs burn as I work Rivian's dick in and out of my mouth.

I know he won't drag this out. Or maybe he will and maybe he'll watch me drown on his cock before he finishes inside my mouth. Only God knows if my husband is a sadist like that. I have to trust that he'll let me up before the water fills my lungs. But I don't spare him the plea in my eyes before I decide to close them and work on pleasuring him.

I wanted this. Not just because I also might be some kind of masochist, but because I want to pleasure my king.

Also trust. What I'm after is trust. Can I trust him?

I start to thrust my hand at the base of his dick as I focus on sucking the top half of him. I can feel him tense and he twitches against my tongue. Fuck, I want him to release so badly I can already taste him.

Maybe it's the people pleaser in me. The giver. But something lights inside me when I feel that his release is close. I don't even care about the burn in my lungs right now or the tightening in my throat as my body craves air. I crave him more.

I remove my hand and grip his thighs, my fingers digging into his skin, as I open my throat as much as I can without gagging hard in order to let him in further. And I know he's seconds away from coming when he reaches into the water and twists his fingers in my hair to push my head down further on his cock. Everything is hot and tense in my body as I let him fuck my mouth. But as his come hits my tongue, I realize I can't swallow without swallowing water and now, I really do panic as he thrusts faster into my mouth.

My eyes burn as I open them seeing him in the throes of his orgasm and my head is still stuck under water as he lets the last of his release spill down my throat, his hand now holding me in place over him.

I don't want to tap out, I know he'll let me up soon. He has to. But I can't breathe and I'm starting to fade…

"Fuck, little one." It's a snap of a finger when he pulls me up and out of the water. Cum and water falls from lips and my gasp is harsh and not enough as I desperately take in more air. “You are a reckoning,” he adds nefariously.

Tears fall from my eyes and mix with the water drops on my face. My tongue is sore and my throat burns, the cool sting of the October air fills my lungs.

"You . . . you-" I try to catch my breath and despite the fact that I nearly passed out under the water, the strongest thing I feel is the abating need to trust him and the undying satisfaction that comes with the look of ecstasy on my husband's face.

"Your words, Cyn." He watches me as I fight for air and try to find my words.

I take a beat to calm myself, steadying the way I inhale and exhale before settling myself to speak.

"You didn't let me drown." I wrap my arms around my body to save off the cold air that breezes through the window mixing with the lukewarm water we sit in.

"Did you have any doubts that I would?" His tone is almost offended, like he's hurt I believed he'd let me die. But then again, he can't be too surprised given the recent events that led us to this insane game.

"Three minutes and twenty-seven seconds," he says as he stands up to exit the tub.

He reaches down to the little table stand, blows out the candle lit on it, and then pulls a towel out from the bottom. He wraps it around the lower half of his body before reaching for my hand to help me out of the tub.

I shiver a bit and look at him somewhat confused by his words.

"Three minutes and twenty-seven seconds?" I question as I take his hand and stand out of cold water into the bitter-cold air. "What's that?"

He looks at me, empathy in his eyes. Rivian takes his time to wrap me in a towel, tightening it to ensure I stay warm before he inhales deeply and answers my questions.

"That's how long you were under water," Rivian states, very matter-of-factly, like this isn't some kind of crazy thing to say to someone. But then again, everything we just did was ludicrous.

"You counted the time while I was under water?" Anger starts to build in my chest, the need to understand why he held me under for so long when clearly, he could see that I was struggling. "How could you have known I was going to even last that long?"

He pauses for a moment, almost as if he's debating on whether or not he wants to visit whatever it is he's planning on saying. But then he proceeds.

"Because if you're anything like me, which I know you are, then I knew you'd make it. But I didn't let you go a second more even though I knew you had it in you."

"You're losing me," I say to him, still not fully comprehending.

Rivian lowers his eyes, takes a deep breath and then holds my gaze with his own.

"That's how long it took before I drowned."