Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

Carlotta

W hen William stormed out of my studio after his failed attempt to fuck me, I felt nothing but disgust. I couldn’t believe that I had ever loved this man, ever craved him physically and mentally. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to go to the precinct and throw myself at Detective Del Rey’s mercy. I could tell him everything. I would get into trouble for covering this up, of that I had no doubt, but maybe it would be worth it.

Something was stopping me, though. For all that William disgusted me completely now, I had made a vow to honor and protect him. And while he meant less than nothing to me, my vows still meant something to me. I had taken those vows before God and I wasn’t ready to break them.

I sighed. I didn’t know what to do. None of the options were appealing and all of them had consequences. I was either risking being thrown in jail for lying to the police or risking eternal damnation if I broke my marriage vows. I knew one thing for sure. I wouldn’t be getting any painting done today. I just wasn’t in the mood to be creative now.

I walked away from the easel and put the paint brush down. I went through the kitchen and down the hallway and grabbed my coat and my purse. I was going to go for a walk to try to clear my head a little.

I had been walking for about half an hour, just walking blindly with no real destination in mind. My head was no clearer. I still couldn’t decide what to do for the best. Up ahead, I noticed a church and I instantly knew what to do. I would go to confession. Maybe the priest would be able to advise me on the best course of action for me. And if he couldn’t, at least by confessing, I was getting a weight off my mind, and more importantly, a weight off my soul.

I made my way toward the church. It was funny because if anyone asked, I always said I wasn’t religious. As far as I could remember, I hadn't set foot in a church in five years. But when the going got tough, my faith always resumed itself, and it had always gotten me through the tough times.

I stepped into the church. The air inside was cool, the quietness of the building calming. Churches always had a calming effect on me, like once I was across the threshold, I left all of my problems behind and nothing could hurt me anymore.

I realized as I headed toward the confessional booth that if I confessed everything, I would be here all day. The not attending church regularly, the fact that I hated my husband, and the thoughts I had been having recently. I could deal with those myself. I told myself I would start saying the rosary again. Today, I would only be focusing on my dilemma. And I wouldn’t be using the word murder . Even the sanctity of the confessional could be broken if I told the priest everything.

I stepped into the confessional booth and made the sign of the cross and then I sat down on the hard and uncomfortable stool. I waited for a moment and the curtain drew back.

“Forgive me, Father, for I think I may have sinned,” I said .

“You may have sinned, child?” the priest said.

“Yes, Father. I ... I don’t know what to do. I need your guidance,” I said.

“Tell me what is bothering you, my child,” he said.

I took a deep breath while I got my thoughts in order. I looked down into my lap, watching my fingers fidget with each other.

“My husband did something bad, Father. Something that broke the law. He doesn’t remember doing it, and I lied to the police and said I didn’t remember either. I know it’s a sin to bear false witness, but I also know it’s a sin to break your marriage vows, and I vowed to honor and protect my husband. I don’t know what to do, Father. I feel like I need to tell the police the truth, but I’m afraid to do it. I’m afraid that God will find me lacking. I think maybe He’s testing me, and I don’t know how to pass the test, Father. Do I lie and protect my marriage vows, or do I tell the truth and break the vows?”

It all poured out of me in a stream of babble that left me a little breathless when I was done. I waited, hoping that the priest would be able to decipher what I had told him and advise me.

“I see your predicament, my child,” the priest said after a moment’s pause. “Your marriage vows are important, and of course, loyalty to one’s spouse is important for a happy marriage. But lying is indeed a sin. Perhaps you should look at this in a different way.”

I nodded my head, desperate for the answer. If there was a different way to look at this, I would be only too happy to take it.

“Perhaps you should consider that by telling the police the truth, you are not so much breaking your marriage vows as you are giving your husband the chance to make his own confession and be absolved of his sin. Sometimes, people must face the consequences of their actions in order to truly repent of them and in turn, to become more enlightened.”

“Do you really think so, Father?” I asked.

“Of course, my child. And while I am not at liberty to tell you what to do, that’s my advice to you. This secret is a huge burden on your soul, and if your husband has broken one of the Lord’s commandments, then you may well be helping him to see the error of his ways by bringing his actions to light. Pray on it, child, and you shall find the answers you seek. The Lord helps those who seek his guidance.”

“Thank you, Father,” I said .

I didn’t even need to pray on it. The priest had given me the answer I needed. It was worse to lie to the police than it was to break my wedding vows. And if I told the truth, then it might just save both of our souls.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have told lies,” I said, suddenly needing the penance as well as the advice.

“Are you ready to renounce your sins and complete your penance?” the priest asked.

“Yes, Father,” I said.

“Then your penance is thus. You must say twenty-five Hail Marys.”

“Thank you, Father,” I said.

I left the confessional booth and made my way to the front of the church. I genuflected and knelt before the altar where I recited the Hail Mary prayer twenty-five times. Feeling better than I had since Candy’s body was found, I left the church.

My decision was made. It was time to tell Detective Del Rey the truth and face the consequences of my lies.