Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine“Casual, my arse,” scoffed Izzy, all but plonking her empty mug on my cherrywood coffee table. “Those blokes are proper into you, Briar. Don’t doubt it.”I sighed, balancing my cup on the armrest of the overstuffed chair. “I try not to doubt it, I really do. I try to be positive. But considering nothing has changed over the past two weeks other than we occasionally go out in public together …”She grabbed the remote control and muted the widescreen TV. “Let’s review the situation. They don’t sleep with women more than once in a row, but they did with you. They don’t take women home with them, but they took you—”“I’d been drugged.”“Yeah, but they could have asked Blake to ensure that someone watched over you and got you home safely. Instead, they took it upon themselves to do that. And ever since you stayed at Trace’s home for the first time, they’ve been constantly up in your space. It isn’t just about sex. Not anymore, at least. The three of you spend actual time together.”Very true. During the past two weeks, there had been more dinners at our homes and meet-ups at the Vault. Trace and Kaleb had also continued to visit me during the week, as well as text and call me at random times.We sometimes went out in public now. Occasionally for breakfast. Occasionally for dinner. But it had to be taken into account that … “Friends with benefits often do spend time together.” I gave an aloof shrug when I truly didn’t feel so nonchalant.Folding her arms, she slid up a disbelieving brow. “So they’re your friends? Really?” Her voice dripped with skepticism. “That’s what they said?”“No. But they also haven’t suggested at any point that we start up anything.”I believed that actions often spoke louder than words. To some degree, their behavior would suggest that they didn’t view me as a mere bed-buddy; that they might even care for me. But it had to be noted that their continued lack of action when it came to laying a claim on me was not a positive sign.“Trace once told me that he and Kaleb avoid arrangements because they don’t want to form ties with anyone who they can’t envision being a permanent partner,” I explained to Izzy. “All I can think is that that’s how they feel about me, or they’d otherwise have suggested an arrangement. But they’re avoiding ties.”And yet, I couldn’t break away.Partly because I cared for them. Partly because I couldn’t help but hope that they would come to want more if I just gave them time. It was what Izzy had done with Cole, and that had paid off. Hence why she kept urging me to do exactly that, refusing to accept that the guys only wanted something casual with me … just as she was doing right now.Wanting to escape the conversation, I suggested, “Maybe we could drop this subject and move on.”She shook her head hard. “Oh, no. No way. When I was all mixed up over Cole, you badgered me something rotten to see things your way. I warned you that I’d return the favor when it was your turn to be all tangled up in a bloke.”“So this is revenge?”“And an act of deep concern, because I love you and want you to be happy.” She shuffled forward on the sofa and braced her lower arms on her thighs. “I’m telling you, Briar, these blokes don’t see you as a plaything.”“I’m not disputing that.” They could be affectionate, even in public. They weren’t any less touchy-feely with me while we were out and about. They behaved no differently, not even sparing a look at the people around us to see if anyone was paying attention. I did the same, not whatsoever interested in how it might look to others.“I’m not downplaying how much they’re a part of my life,” I went on. “I’m merely pointing out that they’ve said nothing to indicate to me that they want something permanent. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve enjoyed being with someone but didn’t view them as marriage material. It happens.”Her brow furrowed. “So, what, you think that you’re not triad material in their eyes?”I lifted my shoulders. “Maybe.”“So if they wanted a serious relationship, you’d definitely be up for it?”I rubbed at the back of my neck. “I’d be up for giving it a go, though making a triad work would be tricky. I never really considered how tricky until recently.”She cocked her head. “Is it that you care more for one bloke than the other?”I felt my brows snap together. “What? No. Which is a little surprising. I mean, I would have thought that I’d find it hard to care equally for two men; that I’m so in the habit of being loyal to one person in a relationship that I wouldn’t be able to bond so strongly with two at once. But that isn’t the case here. And if you were to ever ask me to choose one over the other, I’d never be able to do it.”“So, then, what would make a triad so ‘tricky’ in your eyes? Is it that you might have to deal with people staring and sneering and all that crap?”“No, I don’t believe in living to please others. There’s no sense in it.” I cared about the opinions of those closest to me, but I gave zero fucks what perfect strangers thought of me. “There’ll always be someone somewhere who disapproves of you or what you’re doing. You might as well just live your life for you.”“Then why do you think it would be difficult for you to make a triad work?”I blew out a breath. “As their bond with each other is purely platonic, it’s only friendship that holds them together. And that might not forever be enough to keep them together. One could eventually decide to break away.”“Briar—”“I’d have to be the glue that ensured such a thing didn’t happen, and what if I don’t make good glue, Iz? What if one of them someday feels that the idea of sharing no longer holds any appeal? Or they decide they’d rather be a woman’s sole focus and so want to find their own? Or the triad thing affects their careers to such an extent that they choose to walk away?”Izzy’s face softened. “Everyone in any kind of relationship worries that it won’t work out, no matter how many people are part of it.”“I know that. I know it’s just part and parcel of caring for someone—or two someones, in my case. But that doesn’t lessen my fears. Which isn’t to say that I wouldn’t push those fears aside and take a risk. The truth is that I don’t have solid defenses against Trace and Kaleb. They battered right through them, the bastards.”Her lips twitched. “I noticed.”“But if they don’t even want something as simple as exclusivity from me, they’re hardly going to want a relationship with me. They’ve certainly never hinted at it.”Bold as they were, I couldn’t imagine them keeping such a thing to themselves, or denying themselves anything they wanted. They would be more likely to skip the whole ‘asking’ part and quite simply tell me that we were in a relationship.“Maybe they haven’t verbalized that they want to build something with you, Briar, but that’s exactly what they’re doing. And I don’t think they’re subconsciously doing it.”“I’m not so sure about that.”Izzy sighed. “Look, I get why you have doubts. I’d have them, in your shoes. But I’ve seen the way they are with you, I’ve seen the way they look at you. I won’t believe for a single moment that you don’t matter to them.”“Maybe you’re right; maybe I do matter to them. But it doesn’t change that they don’t seem to view me as a potential full-on partner. That’s the point I’m making.” And my chest hurt each time I did, so I was getting damn tired of this conversation.“It could be that something is holding them back … though I don’t know what it could be.” She bit the inside of her cheek. “I did once wonder if maybe they’re just put-off by the idea that Alondra will flip her lid if you had something real with Trace, but neither bloke ever seemed fazed by her shit. Has she contacted you about them yet?”“Nope. I haven’t heard from her at all.” Alondra had been suspiciously quiet. No texts. No calls. No voicemails. Not even a smoke signal.Izzy frowned. “Odd. She has to have seen the pictures of you, Trace, and Kaleb online.”I would have thought so. Photos were taken of us at the restaurant where we had breakfast together the first time we stepped out in public, and those pictures were posted online fast. Speculation then began as to whether the three of us were ‘dating.’When, back then, I’d asked the boys if they were worried that the photos and rumors might impact their career, Trace had waved it away and said, “Everyone will believe it’s just a PR stunt. You’ll see.”I hadn’t been so certain of that, but he’d been right—something Zhen confirmed for me, since I didn’t keep up with the online gossip that was circulating. My apprentice often told me bits and pieces, finding the whole thing rather exciting.Allegedly, there was a small number of people who believed that the rumors had substance. Most from this group egged us on for shunning society’s rules. Others felt that such things should be kept private. And then there were some highly religious individuals who branded such ‘unions’ unnatural.But the believers opinions were buried beneath all the blatantly skeptical online comments that were plastered all over social media …God, celebs have no shame, they’ll do just about anything for publicity.As if we’d honestly believe that Trace Lacroix, who has his pick of women, would ever be prepared to share one.They probably got pissed off that people were taking pictures so gave them something to take pictures of.If they were really in a triad, they’d keep it on the down low, not hide the relationship in plain sight.This whole thing has been blown out of proportion. I’ve got male friends who are handsy, it doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with them.On and on it went.In sum, the majority of the population rolled their eyes and got on with their day, completely certain that there wasn’t really anything to report.I wasn’t even asked questions by any of the people I worked with on the current theatrical project. They, too, had apparently decided that the rumors were bullshit.Still, I’d thought that the boys might nonetheless want to cool things down a little so as not to feed the small fire that burned. But they weren’t interested in going back to keeping our meet-ups private, so there’d been more sort-of-dates, more pictures, more speculation.“Maybe Alondra is too busy sulking about the pictures to contact me,” I suggested.Izzy gave an uncaring shrug. “Well, whatever. As I was saying, maybe something is holding Trace and Kaleb back. I don’t know what it could be. But I do believe they’ll power past it and offer you more at some point. They’re seriously possessive of you—anyone can see that.”“Not so possessive that they insist I wear something red at the club.”Her mouth bopping open and closed, Izzy inclined her head. “It is odd that they haven’t claimed you. I genuinely don’t understand it. But even you can’t deny that there’s some territorialism there.”Not enough to make them want to ensure that they didn’t have to share me with anyone else, though. And yeah, it hurt.“They’re also very protective of you,” Izzy went on. “They guard you with their bodies at the club, making sure that no one jostles you or invades your space.”That was just common courtesy really, though, wasn’t it?“And it’s so sweet how they always check in with you throughout the week, phone you to make sure you didn’t forget to have dinner—or lunch, as you call it—or even turn up at your apartment with cakes and donuts. Blokes don’t do that when they’re not serious about someone, Briar. I don’t know when it happened or if it’s something that gradually crept up on them, but they care about you.” She gave me a pointed look. “And you care about them. A lot.”I exhaled heavily. “I do, yeah.” I’d done my best to pretend that I wasn’t way out of my emotional depth with these guys; to pretend that I didn’t want so much more than what we currently had together. And everyone had bought my act just fine. Until a more recent picture was posted online of the three of us.Izzy had taken one look at it and declared, “This isn’t just sex to you.” Cat and Inaya had nodded, each insisting that I cared about Trace and Kaleb way more than I’d let on.Well, I’d rather that no one had picked up on that. It made me feel exposed. My one comfort was that I didn’t lookall love-sick in the photo—it was simply that anyone who knew me well would see that I wasn’t just hot for these men.My dads were unfortunately no exception to that. They pestered me to bring both Trace and Kaleb to their house for dinner one night—no doubt meaning to put them through a gauntlet, though Ansel and Troy swore that that wasn’t the case. Like I’d believe that.Of course, I had no intention of humoring my dads in this. Dinner at their place felt too much like a meet the parents thing. I wasn’t sure how Trace and Kaleb would react to such an invitation; whether it would scare them off.“And maybe you’re right that they care about me a little,” I told Izzy. “But the fact remains that they’ve not made any sort of commitment to me. Like I said earlier, I try to be positive that it could change if I give them time. But it’s hard.”Izzy sat up straight and crossed one slim leg over the other. “I know. I’ve been where you are. So I’m now going to sling the same novel concept at you that you did at me: You could just ask the blokes where you stand with them.”“You say that like you followed my recommendation and it then all worked out. I distinctly remember that you didn’t ask Cole what he wanted.”“But if I had, I would have realized that I’d fretted over nothing.” She paused. “I know the thought of putting yourself out there like that is a shitifying one, but letting the whole thing tie you in knots isn’t a much better option. I don’t want it to reach a point where you get so jumbled up inside that you cut your losses and part ways from them out of self-preservation.”I let out a long sigh and reluctantly admitted, “I do have occasional moments where I consider pulling back.”“Then ask them what they want from you.”I took a swig of my coffee, my brow pinching as I realized it was no longer warm. “You’re a real pushy bitch, you know,” I said, setting my cup down on the small table beside the chair, careful not to knock over the lamp.“I’m channeling you, as it happens. And don’t try to distract me, it won’t work. I’m determined to make you take my advice and just ask them outright where their heads are at.” She pursed her lips. “Have you considered that maybe they’re sensing you’re feeling unsure and they’re misinterpreting it as you being uncertain about wanting to be with them?”My brows dipped. No, I hadn’t thought of that.“If that is the case, they might have decided that it would be best to proceed carefully and wait for you to give them some indication that you’re on the same page as them before they up the ante. I mean, you’re proceeding carefully because you’re unsure what they want. It’s not such a stretch to believe that they’re in the same boat as you.”Considering that, I absently licked the inside of my lower lip. Her point certainly held merit. Neither Trace nor Kaleb struck me as people who’d feel unsure in any situation, but if they were mistaking my doubts just as Izzy said, it would only be natural that they’d hold back. Ugh, I despised not knowing.I rolled back my shoulders, feeling far too tense and restless. “Can we finally change the subject now?”“That depends. Are you going to ask them to be straight with you about what it is they want?”I rubbed at my eyebrow. “At some point, yes.” Because Izzy was right that letting my insides get all knotted up wasn’t a good alternative. “I’ll give them at least another week. If they still haven’t thrown me a bone, I’ll talk to them.”Izzy watched me for a long moment. “All right. Personally, I think you’re just delaying it because you worry that their answer won’t be something you want to hear, but I’ll pretend otherwise.”“You just called me on it—that’s not pretending otherwise.”She shrugged, her mouth curving. “I genuinely think you’ll find that they’re singing from the same hymn sheet as you. They’re as gone for you as you are for them.”My back snapped straight. “Gone? I care about them, but I’m not gone for them.”Huffing an annoyed breath, Izzy tossed a throw cushion at me. “Be honest, Briar, have you ever felt even a modicum of what you feel for those blokes for anyone else?”Groaning, I threw the cushion right at her face, grunting in irritation when she easily caught it. “I don’t like your questions.”“You don’t like answering them,” she corrected.“Same difference.”“Come on, be honest, have you felt that strongly for anyone else?”The intercom buzzed.Izzy sighed. “Saved by the intercom.”I stood, smiling. “The universe looks out for me that way.” Or so I thought until I reached the wall-mounted monitor near my front door and saw none other than Alondra waiting outside, her mouth pinched, her eyes hidden by large sunglasses.Crap.