Chapter 5

FIVE

Three Weeks Later

19th December

‘AUNTY MAGGIE!' two voices chime out of the front door as it opens. They both stand there in their Christmas pyjamas and onesies, arms in the air, jigging around to see my face. This may be because I'm carrying bags of gifts, but I do genuinely like how these girls always seem excited to see me. I bend down to cuddle each of them.

‘Paige! Bella!' I hold them close, inhaling a whiff of Vicks and shampoo.

‘GIRLS, WHY IS THE FRONT DOOR OPEN? IS THAT THAT CHARITY MAN ASKING FOR MONEY FOR THE DOGS HOME AGAIN?' a voice booms down from upstairs. I peer up through the gap to hear splashing and what sounds like someone wrestling a large marine animal.

‘It's Aunty Maggie!' Bella wails.

‘HEY, MAGGIE! CLOSE THE DOOR, COME STRAIGHT UP!'

I enter the house, closing the door behind me, without even a moment to take off my beanie as Paige and Bella drag me into the living room. ‘Come and see our tree!' they chime. They lead me into the living room to see a wondrous festive flickering creation in the corner, which seems to possess every light of every feasible colour. None of the ornaments match, and on the top is a monkey puppet with tinsel wrapped around him.

‘It is possibly the best thing I've ever seen.' They stand there beaming. I will assume they were given full creative control. ‘Let me leave my pressies here – no peeking – and we'll go and see your mum, yeah?'

They both nod animatedly as I unlace my boots and take off my coat, scarf and hat.

‘And how are you both doing? How's Harry doing?'

‘He's always on Mummy's boobies,' Paige informs me.

‘Well, that's good, isn't it? If he's eating that means he'll grow big and strong.'

‘Mummy says she feels like a cow though,' Paige continues. This makes Bella giggle and she moos as we walk upstairs. I always like this house. Some would say messy, but to me it shows signs of life, fun, family. It's random Lego men next to lone socks, pasta art hanging off the walls. I get to the top of the stairs and pop my head around the bathroom door. ‘Gem?'

She kneels over the bath, the sleeves of her sweatshirt rolled up, messy bun on her head, trying to blow errant bits of her auburn hair out of her face. In the bath, baby Harry is all limbs like he's fighting against the water but having the best time.

‘Pass me that towel, hun. Excuse the mess.' I do as I'm told as she dangles Harry over the bath to drip-dry him while kicking dirty clothes into a pile with a foot. She then bundles him into a towel and sits down on the toilet. His little face peers out at me. He doesn't quite know how to react to me yet but I'll give him time.

‘And hello. How are you?' she says, taking a breath.

‘I'm OK. You? Where's Nate? '

‘Night shift, so I am a big hot mess.'

The thing is, I think she's anything but. I met Gemma in my first year of university and since then she's been a ride-or-die, the sort who'd ask you to text her to make sure you got home safely, the one who always sends a Christmas card, and messages if you haven't met up in a while, just to check in. Since she married Nate and had her kids, she still checks in, she gets her girls to call me aunty; she thinks her life is a big hot mess, but really, I think she's the most put-together person I know.

‘Girls, can you go and find me something for Harry to wear to bed?' Paige lets go of my hand to run off as Gemma puts a hand in the bath to pull out the plug, urging me to follow her into her room.

‘So, you are after a fancy red dress?' she asks me. ‘I hope that request comes with a story.' She enters her room and places her naked baby in his towel nest on the bed, digging through a drawer to find a nappy and some talc.

‘Sort of. I'm a plus-one at a wedding and there's a colour theme.'

Gemma stops for a moment, excitement filling her eyes. ‘MAGGIE!' she squeals. The baby looks confused. I'd rather she focus on putting a nappy on him so he doesn't pee everywhere. The girls run in, holding what looks like a swimming costume and a hoodie. ‘Why are you shouting, Mummy?'

‘I'm not. Hey, Harry can't sleep in that, try again poppets.' The girls scamper away. ‘I assumed it was for a work Christmas thing. You're a plus-one? That's huge. I didn't even know you were dating! Have I been a mombie for so long that you told me you were dating and I forgot?' she says, scolding me.

I put my hand to the air to calm her down. ‘Hold your horses. It's not like that at all.'

‘Whatever.' The girls return with something in fur, like they've skinned a Muppet. ‘He'll be too warm in that. Go. Maybe go downstairs and see if that one with the polar bears is dry. It's on the radiator.' She watches as they head down the stairs. ‘I want gossip. I need gossip.'

‘He's someone from work. Frank…'

‘You're dating that geeky kid from your work? Maggie!' she exclaims almost sadly.

‘Well, we are all geeks in my workplace.'

‘Yeah, but he looks like he cuts his own hair.'

His mother cuts his hair, but I won't tell her that. ‘Frank is a decent bloke when you get to know him but no…I'm going because he had a plus-one. It's firmly in the friends camp.'

Gemma rolls her face to a sad snarl to know this story might not be as juicy as she had hoped. She puts a nappy on Harry, who giggles when she tickles his belly. ‘But how's all of that? The love life stuff? How was that fella you met off Plenty of Fish?' she enquires.

She's referring to Paul, an accounts executive who I dated for four months earlier in the year. There were positives: he was good at buying me flowers, we both were mildly obsessive about the New York Times Mini Crossword and I don't think his parents cut his hair. I look around to see if the girls are still downstairs.

‘Don't know how to say it, it was just a bit of a red-flag situation?' I tell her.

‘How so? God, he didn't hurt you, did he?' she says, concern etched in her face.

‘Oh no, it was little things. He used to order for me in restaurants and had crazy theories about the bottled water industry, and he was snobbish about the fact I liked sleek American medical dramas.'

Gemma looks at me, curiously. ‘He ordered for you?'

‘Yeah. I think he thought it was gentlemanly but it really came across as a touch controlling…' I think back to one night in particular. It was a pop-up restaurant in town. I was eyeing up some halloumi and had to have a terrine instead. I didn't realise ho w sad that would make me – to be denied a choice – but also how obsessed I really am with Greek cheese.

‘Oh, that's red flags all over. You do love a medical drama though, it's bordering on obsessive.'

‘They're my safe space, Gem. We all have our things. You keep a folder of photos of Harry Styles on your phone.'

‘I do,' she says defensively.

‘The difference is that Nate knows and doesn't judge you for it.'

She smiles, cocking her head to one side. ‘So no one since him?' I know she's asking this out of concern, but I don't think she realises that what she and Nate have is very special. They are two people who clicked in terms of sense of humour, interests, likes and dislikes, and over the years, through a few relationships and infinite numbers of bad dates and hook-ups, I've realised that sort of alchemy is truly hard to find.

‘No. It's got so bad, I'm actually spending Christmas with all my department this year,' I tell her. It feels a bit strange to say this out loud. I perhaps should have run this by Gemma when we came up with this plan in November so she could tell me if it was an awful idea or not. Does it cross a line? What could go wrong? Does it make me look completely sad and desperate?

‘What?' she asks me, confused, her pity starting to peek through.

‘Wedding with Frank, two days with Jasper, a jaunt up to the Lakes with Leo.'

‘Is this a mandatory work thing or a strange four-way office romance? Like a reverse harem situation?' she asks the baby, her eyes big and wide.

My eyes open wider. ‘Gemma, no. There is no romance involved. They simply heard I was going to be alone this Christmas so they've invited me into their homes and family events. It's actually quite sweet, if a little sad. '

‘What about your mum and dad?' she asks me. Harry starts to whimper and she picks him up, sitting back on to her bed and lifting her T-shirt up, unclipping her bra to release one of her boobs. I've known Gemma long enough to not be shocked by the sight but I do always marvel how her tits have grown exponentially with every child. She starts to massage one in the way I would do a joint of meat to marinate it, before sticking her nipple in Harry's mouth.

‘Mum and Dad are off on a cruise.'

‘Maggie, you should have said,' she replies dolefully.

I shake my head at her. ‘I knew you were going to spend Christmas with Nate's family this year. It's fine.'

And it is totally fine. She's just had a new baby; there was no way I was going to burden her over Christmas with me too. In fact, in the last few weeks, it's been nice to plan this mini-Christmas adventure. I've not wanted to go into any of these situations empty-handed so I've been buying presents, finding out more about each of their families. Frank even drew me a family tree to explain the sheer number of cousins he has, and I found out things I'd probably never have got to know otherwise.

‘If you had to though,' she asks me cheekily. ‘Like if we had a Snog, Marry, Avoid situation with the three of them…'

I hope she can read my horror with the face I'm pulling.

‘Humour me. Please. My boobs hurt, I'm wearing big unsexy knickers and have you seen my tree? It looks like it was decorated by gremlins.'

‘Cute gremlins though. Well, Jasper is gay so I can avoid him safe in the knowledge he's not into me like that. I'd snog Frank for the reaction and I'd marry…'

‘The one with the good smile,' Gemma says finishing off my sentence.

‘How do you know what sort of smile Leo has?' I ask her.

‘Social media, you posted a pic of a night out. He was wearing a sombrero but he had dimples and decent teeth,' she says, grinning, flexing her eyebrows at me.

I sigh and shake my head but I'll admit, since that night out I've garnered a strange curiosity towards Leo who slept on the floor so I could have his bed. Leo who stayed behind to help me put up festive LEDs, who makes the good tea and is a hardworking, reliable colleague. He is handsome, the sort that doesn't even have to try. He's single and I'm intrigued, but surely it's overstepping. If it were to go wrong, we'd be resigned to be in that basement together for life.

‘What's he like, this Leo?' she asks. I see her eyes brighten to partake in some adult chat.

‘He's tall.'

‘Is that all I'm getting?'

‘He was very good at helping me decorate the office a few weeks ago. It meant I didn't have to stand on unstable stepladders and risk my life.'

‘Boring,' she says smiling. ‘Did you get a good view of his arse when he was standing on that ladder?'

‘No, I did not. I am professional. I am also his boss so it could be construed as harassment if I were to look at his backside.'

‘So, you did look…' she says, excitedly.

I shake my head at her. The truth is, I'm confused about how I feel, and I have no idea what he thinks of me. Out of the three of them he is the hardest to figure out. In fact, I still can't work out what this trip to the Lakes will entail. He always says he's from there but does he live in a mountain hut like Heidi? Or on a boat, in a lake? I really should get out of the city more.

‘We work together. It feels complicated,' I tell her.

She smiles to know she's unearthed some secret feelings I may have for him. ‘Not really. It's convenient. He's there. You can have lunch-hour sex sessions. '

I flare my nostrils. I'm only beginning to admit to myself I'm crushing. I hadn't imagined that far ahead. ‘Classy.'

‘Well, if I get a vote, I think take a chance on this Leo. He has a kind face. I hate you being on all those dating sites. Better the devil you know and all that…' she informs me. ‘He's not like Frank though, is he? The whole living at home, virgin vibe.'

‘Don't be mean,' I tell her, feeling a need to stand up for Frank. ‘But yes, Leo is, I'm pretty sure, a non-virgin.'

‘Well, that's a start,' she says, smiling. ‘So this dress I'm lending you. Are you wearing it throughout the duration of your Christmas jaunts or just for this wedding?'

‘For the wedding which is in two days and a Christmas party…' I tell her.

‘Well, it's in the closet. It was a bridesmaid dress I wore when Nate's sister got married – spaghetti straps, chiffon, tea length. I think it'll suit you.'

I open up her wardrobe and paw through the hangers. Gemma is on maternity leave so I rake through a lot of suits currently veiled in a thin layer of dust. I also see a nurse's outfit that I won't ask about in too much detail. I get to a garment bag and unzip it carefully.

‘That's the one. I don't know why I kept it. I probably can't get that thing over my tits now but it'll look so pretty on you.'

I remove it carefully from the hanger, and take off my jumper and T-shirt so I can slide it over my head. As I pull it over me, the material from the dress is whipped up into the air and falls back down. I look at myself in the mirror of the wardrobe door and see Gemma grinning at me in the background, giving me a wolf-whistle.

‘I mean, I wouldn't wear it with the jeans underneath, but it looks perfect. Have a dig through my wardrobe if you want to borrow any purses,' she tells me. ‘Better someone uses them or they'll disintegrate in there from age.'

I look at myself in the mirror. Frank has not been hugely forthcoming with details about this wedding. He told me everyone had to wear red. The men, too? I asked, imagining him leaping around this wedding like a giant tomato. He laughed in reply. How red did I need to go? Like head to toe red? Just an accessory? Is this too much? Or not enough?

‘It feels a little too festive,' I tell Gemma.

‘Don't be silly. It's a Christmas wedding. Too festive would be bells and a giant fur muff.'

‘Well, you haven't seen my waxing situation yet,' I jest and she laughs, her boobs jiggling as she does. It makes me wonder if the milk comes out a bit bubbly.

‘Doesn't Aunty Maggie look amazing, girls?' The girls re-enter the room and bundle on to the bed with their mum, armed with polar bear pyjamas and stuffed toys. The whole scene makes me stand there by that wardrobe and smile. The girls look over and I pose with a hand to my waist.

‘You look like a fairy,' Bella says. At least she didn't say I looked like a double-decker bus. ‘Are you going to a party?'

‘Kind of. I'm going to a wedding with my friend, Frank.'

‘Is he your boyfriend?' Paige asks.

‘No, he has a very bad haircut. I won't allow it,' their mother tells them. ‘Aunty Maggie does have a new friend called Leo though. We like him.'

I upturn my palms to the ceiling to hear her implant these ideas in the girls' heads. She doesn't even know Leo, she's literally judging him by his teeth.

‘Mummy obviously hasn't had enough sleep, she doesn't know what she's talking about,' I say sitting down on the edge of the bed. ‘I am single.'

‘Don't you want a boyfriend?' Paige asks me.

‘Maybe, one day,' I reply. ‘I quite like being on my own. It means I don't have to share my crisps and I can sleep in a star shape and not have anyone steal my duvet at night. '

The girls look at me not entirely convinced. ‘Or maybe you could ask Santa for one?' Bella suggests.

Gemma laughs and kisses the top of her head. ‘I think that's an excellent idea, Santa could squeeze someone down the chimney, just for Aunty Maggie, wrapped in a giant bow.'

To be fair, it's not such a bad idea. Maybe he could come in a box like a giant Ken doll. The girls are in fits of giggles at the suggestion and Paige flashes me her adorable toothless grin.

‘Look, seeing as I'm here, shall we give Mummy a break? Let's go make some hot chocolate and I'll read you guys a story, yeah?'

Gemma's shoulders sigh with relief to have a little break while Bella runs towards me and into my arms. ‘You look very pretty, Aunty Maggie,' she says, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

‘That's very kind, Bells…thank you.'

‘Do you want me to help you draw your boyfriend for your letter to Santa?'

‘Why not?' I tell her. ‘I want him wearing a green Christmas jumper.'

‘And what do you want him to look like?'

I pause. ‘Tall? Let's start there.'