Chapter 31

THIRTY-ONE

26th December

I awake the next morning, defrosted, recharged and still glowing from my Lakeland experience. After we took a selfie with Declan, we managed to sneak out of that barn when the other Santas provided distraction, and we made it out to the road, knackered and frozen and arriving back here looking like we'd had a roll in the hay. But the whole Christmas Day was perfect in some ways. The food, the company, the homely nature of it all that lacked pretention but was filled with love, friends and family. However, the best thing of all may be that I got to spend that time in Leo's company.

I roll over, the duvet framing my shoulders to find though that Leo isn't there this morning. I hear the screams of excited children outside and poke my head through the curtains to see Leo's nieces and nephews wading through the layers of snow and making a snowman. I believe that snowman has a carrot for a knob. I'll bet that was Nana. I smile and check my phone. It's nine thirty so pretty late. Perhaps I couldn't be roused and he let me lie in or maybe sleeping with his legs under the desk became too uncomfortable. That said, his bed is made and his clothes are folded in a pile on the pillow. I had a healthy amount of alcohol last night so my head is slightly fuzzy. I also think I can still taste brie in my mouth but I am sure that today will cure all of that. I ache for a cup of tea and one of those walks again to set me right. I've been told it will certainly be a more relaxed affair today. Less family, more picking on cold cuts and certainly more snoozing on the sofa – at this point, it sounds like an amazing end to my Christmas adventures.

The door creaks open suddenly and I turn to see Leo standing there with cups of tea and a couple of chocolate reindeer. I will not say no to that breakfast and smile to see him.

‘Morning,' he whispers, stepping over me and crouching down to put the tea on a spot of carpet space. He sits on the edge of his airbed and I do my best to sit up, propping myself up against a wall space with my pillows. ‘Sleep well?'

‘Too well,' I reply. ‘I think it was a mixture of the cold, the walk, the food and drink, and the donkey mission.'

He smiles in response but I immediately can tell that something is not quite right with the way he looks down and almost forces that grin out. I overslept, didn't I? Or maybe I should have checked what I looked like when I woke up.

‘Did Stuart and the other Santas get away alright? Did they message you?' I ask.

‘Yeah. They were glad we got a picture with the donkey to add to the archives,' he says the sentence dolefully, without the mirth the situation deserves.

‘Have you been up long?' I ask.

‘Nana had to be dropped back at the home early doors so I went with my mum and gave her a hand,' he tells me.

‘Oh, I didn't get to say goodbye,' I tell him.

‘It's all good. You can expect a card from her though to thank you for the toiletry bag.'

It was floral. She joked and told me it was the right size for her sex toys and I laughed so hard, a bit of chocolate flew out of my mouth. I nod, still not really able to read Leo's expression. ‘I might go and have a shower. Have you had one?' I say awkwardly.

‘Yeah. Mum says when you're properly up, she can do you some eggs or toast or whatever you want,' he says a little glumly.

I try and tidy up my hair, taking a prolonged sip of tea, trying to work out his mood. Is it a post-Christmas slump? Maybe he's sad about his grandmother? ‘Must have been sad to say goodbye to your nana.'

‘Yeah,' he replies.

‘Guess you'll see her in a few months' time when you come back?' I say. I furrow my brow trying to work out what's up.

He looks up at me and takes a deep breath. ‘Look, there's no easy way of saying this but I've been in relationships before where there have been secrets and that's not what I want, especially with you.'

Every inch of me stiffens to hear those words, to hear his tone change so dramatically with me. ‘What do you mean?' I ask, trying to catch his eye.

He looks down at his hands. ‘Your phone pinged pretty early this morning, and it was there and I looked over, and a message flashed up from Jan at work. Something about making a decision? Something about redundancy?'

I sit there for a moment to take it in before going to my phone and reading the message fully.

Maggie. I hope you've had a lovely Christmas. I go to New York today but let me know if you've come to a decision yet about the redundancy in your department. I'll mainly be reachable by email but Klaus, the intern, can also advise.

As I read the words, I start to really hate Jan more and more but I realise this secret I've been trying so hard to keep is out there in the open. I thought I would feel some sense of relief to share it but, in truth, it feels awful that Leo knows, that I couldn't protect him from it. ‘What's going on, Maggie? Have they made you redundant? Are you leaving?' he says worriedly.

I bite my lip trying to work out what to say. The problem is I can't stretch the lie now because it's Leo. All of this was never a secret I wanted to keep. Maybe I haven't handled it very well but it was because it was an impossible decision. I close my eyes, shaking my head.

‘No, that's not it at all,' I say, trying to turn towards him and hold his hand. ‘I don't quite know how to say this but they're downsizing the department at work. They've asked me to let one of you go.'

Leo sits there very still on the edge of his bed to take that in, disappointment in his eyes as he slowly exhales. ‘Oh.'

‘I am very sorry I haven't said anything. Jan literally accosted me on the Friday when I let you all go early, and then I jumped into Frank's family wedding, then to Jasper's, and up here, and there was never a good time to tell you, to explain to any of you what was happening.'

He's still silent, taking in the impact of the news, and it feels so incredibly different to the mood of this house in the last few days.

‘So have you made a decision?' he says.

I shake my head. ‘I can't…I don't quite know. They've asked me to weigh up lots of factors. Experience, qualifications, work history, length of employment…'

‘I was the last one in. It's me, isn't it?' he says, sadly.

‘No.'

‘Then who? You need to tell Jasper and Frank, you know. So they have time to digest this. Plus they're…'

‘They're in IT, you always land on your feet in our industry…' I say, knowing how weak that sounds .

He furrows his brow. ‘They're our friends, Maggie. You said it on that call yesterday. They really look up to you.'

His words penetrate so very deeply and the emotion sits in my stomach like a stone. ‘I told this to HR. I fought for and defended your positions to my core so please don't make out that I don't care about them. My head's been in bits trying to work this out, to think what's the best thing to do.'

We both sit there stewing in this sudden unfamiliar barbed emotion between us. ‘I asked you a while back if we needed to declare our relationship to HR. You said we didn't need to. Is that because it might not have been an issue?' he continues.

‘God, no,' I say, aching to reach over to him and embrace him.

‘Because now I'm worried, wondering what this is. Us. Did you jump into this so you wouldn't have to fire me? Was it out of guilt?'

‘Leo…' I whisper, pained that he could be thinking that. ‘I like you. I really like you. The timing is awful but nothing changes how I feel about you.' And it's then my heart squeezes into a ball tightly as the look he gives me makes me think he doesn't quite believe me. ‘Leo, please…'

He rubs at his temples, not really knowing what to do. ‘This just feels like we've blurred the lines here. Frank and Jasper are my mates too, so if you need to make a decision, I'd rather it's fair. I don't want to mess them about. I don't want them to think badly of us.'

I sit there for a moment to take it all in, feeling awful that I was the one to blur those lines, to now be throwing Leo into this emotional turmoil too. But worse is watching him question my intentions towards him because this week has meant something, everything. There were sparks so bright, emotions so very real and I hope he can still see that.

‘Leo… '

His bottom lip quivers but he steadies himself on that airbed, desperately trying to avoid my gaze.

‘Maybe we put the brakes on this until all of that is out of the way then. Whatever this is…' he tells me, taking a deep breath.

I can't stop a tear from rolling down my cheek now and I try to wipe it away with a corner of the duvet, taking a long sip of tea to compose myself. He reaches a hand out and I place it in his. In the corner of my eye, I see a Mr Frosty on the windowsill and I'm reminded of the depths of Leo's kindness and affection. This can't be the end of what I have with Leo, it's barely started.

‘I don't know what to say, Leo. I'm sorry I never told you. I'm sorry you thought I was keeping secrets from you. I just didn't say anything because…'

‘It was Christmas,' he mumbles.

I study his face, trying to work him out, wondering what he's thinking. Eyes that usually sang so bright now look confused and, achingly, incredibly hurt. I've hurt him. He took such a gamble on revealing his heart to me and I really feel like I've let him down. ‘I…I don't know what…'

There's a knock on the door and it suddenly opens, Sandy standing there with a tray of sandwiches. ‘Morning! I hope you don't mind but thought I'd bring these to you. I did think Maggie's on antibiotics, she needs something more than just a bit of chocolate.'

A lump in my throat forms to see her but she reads my eyes and the tension in the room instantly. ‘You alright, love? It's not your hand is it? Is it getting better? I forgot to ask.'

I flex it up and down to put her mind to rest but I look at Leo, thinking of the words we've exchanged and how awful I feel. God, I've messed this up. In what had been a perfect few days with the most perfect man, I've messed up.

‘Oh no, it's…umm… my friend down South has been taken ill. She texted me early this morning and I think I may need to leave early,' I mutter.

Leo looks over at me instantly. I can't read that look at all but he takes my hand and squeezes it tightly. If we are putting the brakes on this and being practical and rational about all of this, then I don't think I can be here. I think it might hurt my heart a little too much.

My chest stutters with emotion to see Sandy's crestfallen look. ‘Oh dear, that is a shame. How serious?'

‘They think it's her appendix. She's a good mate and I want to help her out with her kids and that. I feel awful. I really do.'

‘Well, if you both need to leave…I can wrap these up and we can?—'

‘No…' I interrupt her. ‘Leo should stay. It's family. I've already looked up trains. I don't want to interfere with your plans.'

Leo can hardly bear to look at me. Before we went to sleep last night, he bundled me into his arms and told me it had been one of his favourite Christmas Days ever. Because of me. And now, all that emotion has been completely upended. I feel completely winded by it.

‘Well, let's get you ready to go then. Are you OK, love? You look very tense. Is she a good friend?' she asks.

‘Yeah.'

She puts her tray down and gives me a huge hug and I shudder in her embrace. ‘I am sure everything will be fine. Come on, Leo. Let her get changed and let's make up a care package for her.'

She leaves and Leo and I both sit there on the floor of that room, neither of us quite sure what to say.

‘Are you sure?' Leo asks quietly. ‘I didn't mean like that. You don't have to go…I just…'

‘I'm really sorry, Leo…' I tell him. ‘I've loved every minute of being here. I really have. I've loved… '

But my lip quivers to talk anymore about how he makes me feel. I get up, his fingers brushing against my hand and I leave that small room, hoping no one is around in this house to see the tears streaming down my face.