Chapter 3

THREE

I remember when I was shown our office space on my first day working here at Wiseman Brothers. I imagined an office overlooking London, floor-to-ceiling windows and water coolers and coffee pod machines where colleagues would meet and discuss current affairs and last night's television. I remember getting in the lift and Jan from HR pressing the -2 button. Were we going to the car park? I'd taken the Tube in. Maybe Jan wanted to show me her car or some subterranean gym facility that I could use after work. But the lift kept going down, and we got out and wandered around a rabbit's warren of corridors, faintly lit by bleak strip lighting and a strong smell of bleach. Maybe Jan is going to kill me, I thought. I've watched enough Criminal Minds to know this is how it starts. I'm being lured into a room and I'm going to be chained to a wall. My poor parents. I remember I looked down at my phone. No signal. I reached into my coat pocket and got out my keys, ready to go for Jan if she cornered me. I'd go for the eyes.

‘And this is it,' she said, as we got to a green door with a weathered, scratched sign saying it . Was this a joke? The door had a fireproof glass panel to the centre with a faded printout of the department opening hours.

here from 9am-5pm. if we're not in here, we're fixing stuff or we've gone out for a byte to eat

I saw the sign and laughed. Jan didn't, but she pushed the door open and we went in. Two guys were sitting there. I can't describe what else I saw in that room. It felt like a cross between a university social space and a Comic Con convention. In the corner was a cardboard cut-out of a Stormtrooper, boxes of wires sitting haphazardly around the space and an inflatable sofa. The room smelt like burning solder and men's deodorant. I remember sighing deeply that this was now my life. I may have thought differently about accepting the job had I known.

‘Jan, why are you here? I closed that ticket. Your colleague has to charge the laptop for it to work. This is why it died,' one of the guys said moodily.

I took a step back. I had gone smart for my first day whereas this person had a large colourful scarf wrapped around his neck, like a seventies' Doctor Who.

‘Why is it so cold in here, Jasper?' Jan asked, shivering.

‘It's what happens when your office is literally a catacomb. There are corpses warmer than us at the moment,' Jasper said. I glanced down to his hands to see actual mittens.

In the corner of the room in a large puffer jacket was an Asian gentleman whose desk was adorned with a pyramid formation of energy drink cans and Lego models. He didn't look up but seemed engaged with whatever was on his computer screen.

‘I guess I'll leave you to acquaint yourselves with the department,' Jan said. Never mind chaining me to a wall and killing me – that somehow felt like a better option. She turned to leave and I think I heard the echoes of her footsteps running away. I stood there by the doorway.

‘If you have an IT problem, you'll have to fill in the online form like everyone else and we'll issue you a ticket. There's little we can do without the form,' said Jasper glancing up at me briefly.

‘I guess we'll start by working on your people skills,' I replied, my eyes still fixed on the inflatable sofa.

Jasper stopped to scowl and looked up at me. ‘Are you also from HR then?'

‘No, I'm Maggie Field. I'm your new supervisor and line manager.'

I remember saying it but not quite believing it. Having worked lower down the tech food chain for a number of years, this felt like a real leap into the unknown. It was Maggie in the city, a managerial title on her lanyard; a woman in charge, making a difference. I felt such pride, but had also thrown up twice that morning in absolute terror. It was hugely surprising to me, therefore, that both of those men looked up from their computers, a moment of fear striking through them, and they both stood up from their desks, as if a teacher had just walked into the room.

‘Shit. I'm so sorry. I swore too. I'm doubly sorry,' Jasper mumbled, the colour drained from his already cold face. The other gentleman stood there rooted to the spot, unable to look at me. ‘We were told you were starting next week. And also you're…' Overdressed? Early? In the wrong office? Please be the latter. I paused to let him finish his sentence. ‘A woman.' I wasn't sure whether to be offended or deeply confused by that statement but I watched as Jasper flicked through papers on his desk. ‘Mr Magnus Field?'

I laughed. This job was getting off to an even better start than I thought. I watched one of the lights flicker in the corner, noticed a dark stain in the middle of the floor, and what sounded like the rumblings of the building's plumbing. Maybe you can simply walk, Maggie. You can say this was all a big mistake. Go back to the tech company you were working for in Slough. The one with the cubicles and the views of the motorway, where the food options were the big Tesco or the kebab van in the lay-by. A shiver went through me knowing that these were my options.

‘My name is Maggie. My middle name is Agnes. To my knowledge, I was born a woman,' I stated plainly.

‘Oh…' Jasper said. We stood there, soaking in the awkward silence between all of us.

‘Jasper and Francis?' I ask them.

‘People call him Frank,' Jasper said. ‘Amongst other things.'

They both sniggered and I nodded, not quite getting the joke. I glanced over to the corner where on a small table sat a kettle, a jar of instant coffee and a Lord of the Rings mug that said ‘One Mug To Rule Them All'. I took a very deep breath, the air misting as I exhaled, and nodded in the kettle's direction. ‘Well, switch that on and make me a coffee and let's get acquainted. Do you have any biscuits down here?'

‘I'm dying. Literally dying,' Jasper exclaims now, allowing his body to be consumed by one of the colourful bean bags in the corner of our office.

‘Well, we're underground at least. We won't have far to take your body to bury you,' Frank tells him.

Jasper responds to this by sticking a middle finger in the air for all of us to see. At least you will die in comfort, Jasper. Had I not made it here, you'd be dying on an inflatable sofa, in the cold. I may not have made a huge professional impact on this company but at least I threw that sofa out and got us beanbag chairs. I fixed the lights, bought a cheap coffee pod machine for the corner of the room, freestanding heaters, and ensured all the wires were in labelled boxes. The Stormtrooper stayed (his name is Stanley), Leo joined us six months later and I kept the notice on the door because it is funny. I laminated it though for posterity.

‘Drink that juice I bought you. You need fructose and hydration,' I tell him. He takes his coat and covers himself like a blanket. ‘If that doesn't do the job, just die quietly so we can work.'

‘I will try. Can you tell my mother that I loved her dearly?'

‘I will.'

‘Thank you. You're a wonderful boss.'

‘I know.'

We've been in the office for an hour now, listening to Jasper's low zombie-style moans, sipping at hot drinks and breakfast pastries bought from the canteen upstairs. I have what I'd consider a mild hangover. Bed would be preferable to my desk but IT needs must. There's a whole floor of people upstairs who are unable to retrieve their documents and if we're not here to save the day then the world will end, financial markets will collapse. Our desks are set out in a horseshoe shape, this is mostly so the lads can shout insults at each other when they're playing their online games. This morning though, it gives me the chance to look at Leo from beyond my screen. I rarely see his face, mostly eyes and the top of his head, but this morning, when I glance around my screen at him, he keeps looking at me strangely, then promptly looking away. I think he may be hiding something from me that happened last night. Did I throw up in a hedge like Jasper too? Maybe I had a wee in full view of him and Frank? It was the boobs. They both saw boobs.

‘Frank, did we solve the problem on the logistics floor?' I ask him.

‘Yes. They couldn't remember their password.'

‘Oh.'

‘And you know, I know Daphne so well and so intimately, I remembered it immediately for her.'

‘Excellent work,' I tell him. I look around the room. Bar Jasper dying, you can hardly tell that we had a raging night out in the name of Christmas. ‘So did you all have fun last night?' I say, trying to gauge the mood. Maybe we'll all go out later in the month to see in the festive period properly. Maybe I should have bought gifts.

‘It was fun,' Frank says. A short but sweet appraisal, though I can't quite read the sarcasm levels.

‘Yeah, it was alright.' A more standard review from Leo, though I suspect he's impressed by little so maybe that's a good thing.

‘I mean, it's a few days until advent so I'll get decorating in here. We could have a calendar countdown thing? I could dig out our Christmas hats again?' Look at me trying to build a team ethos. They all go quiet. The hats said ‘Tech the Halls'. They didn't go down as well as I thought they would.

‘As long as it doesn't involve me having to handle your bra,' Frank says. Frank is fine today as he hardly drinks. He told us something about Asian genes being unable to handle liquor because of the lack of some enzyme, but sometimes I wonder if he ever had a social life at university or before that. You can tell by the way he always asks for a beer, any beer, because he doesn't know what to ask for, and sips it politely, wincing as he does. Sometimes I think he just doesn't know how. His phone pings and we all recognise the ringtone as he has a specific one for his mother. It's a crow cawing. He looks down at it and scowls.

‘All good, Frank?' I ask him.

‘It's my mother. My sister's wedding has turned her into a monster. "Francis, this is your mother! Pick up your phone. I need to know if you're bringing someone to this wedding otherwise I'm going to sit you next to Uncle Terry and Aunty Loretta",' he reads out to us in an accent which I will assume is his mother's.

Leo smiles behind his desk. ‘I take it a seat next to Uncle Terry and Aunty Loretta is not great.'

‘Uncle Terry is an overweight, old-school man with eyebrows that take up most of his face. Aunty Loretta will be doing her best to outdo my mother, and she'll complain about everything, and try and steal the silverware. My mother is basically telling me I'll be babysitting them for the evening,' he says, drearily.

I look at the doleful expression on his face. Weddings should be a happy time, a moment to celebrate, and to Frank, the whole scenario feels like his worst nightmare. An evening to traverse through judgemental relatives, family drama and do it all on his own.

‘Well, if not Jasper…have you thought of anyone else you could take?' I ask him. ‘You must have friends who are girls?'

Leo looks at me from over his computer screen and shakes his head.

‘I've got a friend in one of my Warhammer groups. She'd have to fly in from Russia but I guess I could send her some money for the flight…'

‘Have you ever met this friend?' I ask him tentatively, eyeballing Leo who looks similarly worried.

‘No.'

‘Well, maybe there are other options,' I say, trying to be kind.

‘I did think about paying someone, but that's bad, isn't it?' he tells us.

Leo and I both look over at him, trying not to look too pitying. I mean, it's an alternative, but I've seen too many comedy films where that can go wrong. I'm picturing a scene where a pimp is chasing Frank down the street .

‘And so if you bring a plus-one, would it change the whole experience?'

Frank considers. ‘People would possibly show me a pinch more respect, but it wouldn't be a family gathering without people lining up to tell me what a disappointment I am,' he says, plainly.

I look over at Leo whose face scrunches up into sadness for his friend. ‘Well, sod them, mate. I think you're great.'

‘Me too,' I echo.

Jasper moans something that I think might be his agreement but it's followed by a silence, as we all sense how forlorn and sad Frank is. Poor Frank only recently moved out of his family home, but they hold on tightly to him; his mother's apron strings are literally around his neck. He never talks of girlfriends or a social life, or aspirations beyond this basement. He's quite content to come in every day and just sit with his computer, fix the broken ones and drink his energy drinks. I deliberate on all of that as I come up with a sketchy plan in my head.

‘When is it again?' I ask him.

‘Twenty-first December,' Frank mumbles.

‘In London?'

He peers around his computer to look at me. ‘Why? Do you know someone I could go with?'

‘Well, don't read anything into this at all, but there is me.'

Leo pops his head out from behind his computer to look at me. I glance at Frank and can't quite read his expression. It's a look that reads confusion, a bit of shock.

‘Would I have to pay you?' he asks me. ‘Do I have to negotiate rates?

‘Frank, please don't pay me. Maybe pay for my Uber. But I'd get a free meal, yes? Are there favours? It'd be a nice festive night out. I've told you my Christmas is going to be a bit quiet.'

He looks over at Leo then back at me. ‘You'd do that for me?' Frank asks, a bit more emotion in his tones .

‘Hell, what else am I going to do?' I say, trying to laugh off the gesture.

Everyone sits there quietly, all eyes on me.

‘Actually, we had a brief chat about this last night when you were in the loo,' Leo intervenes. ‘Were you serious about being on your own all Christmas?'

I notice Jasper, once on the brink of dying, is sitting up and joining in the conversation. All eyes on me and my sad social life, one that has just seen me invite myself to a wedding to give myself something to do. I try to recall what I told them last night. I was only one cocktail in. I hope I didn't make myself sound too pathetic. I have a life. Yes, it's centred around work and these three a little too much, but I can celebrate Christmas perfectly well on my own. ‘Well, yeah, but seriously, it's no big deal. Please, less of the sad-dog eyes.'

‘I read an article that suicide rates go up at Christmas because people are so lonely,' Frank tells me.

‘Jesus, Frank. It's not that bad,' I fret.

‘Well, we didn't think it was quite right,' Jasper murmurs, taking a large sip of juice and burping under his breath.

‘So we've come up with a plan,' Leo says.

‘Lads, it's fine…Really. I'm twenty-eight. I'm a big girl.' I try to force a smile. Of course I'd love to be around my parents' house with a massive cheeseboard and some Scrabble, but such is the way when you're an only child in a small family. I look at my colleagues and there are still the looks of sadness that tell me that deep down, they've read my disappointment.

‘Well, I'm at home from the twenty-second to the twenty-third before I go to Chamonix. We have a big family Christmas party, exchange gifts and listen to my grandmother singing around the piano,' Jasper tells me. ‘You're coming. No arguments.' It's more an order than an invitation, not really giving me an option to refuse.

‘Jasper. Seriously, I don't want to impose. It's your family. '

Jasper shakes his head at me. ‘It is fine. There is room and our Christmases are always quite big social gatherings. It's the way my family like it. Cressida always brings home some randoms too. She likes to rehome the lost ones.'

‘You make me sound like a stray cat, Jasper. Who's Cressida?' I ask him.

‘My sister.'

‘You have a sister called Cressida?' Leo jests. ‘Will the butlers be cooking the pheasants in aspic too?'

Jasper puts his middle finger up at him again.

‘It will actually be good to have you there. Like Frank, my family are quite the experience. It will be a change to have a person there I actually like,' he tells me, smiling to let me know the compliment in there was sincere. ‘Come for some food and hang out. That's all.'

‘And when you're done lording it up in his country manor…' Leo continues. ‘Come up North? Spend Christmas Eve and Day at mine?'

I stare at Leo for a while trying to figure him out. That's at least a four-hour drive. And the actual Christmas Day…that feels like more of an event that I'd be gatecrashing. ‘Leo…'

‘I've seen you. You're tiny, you don't eat a lot, so it'd be no trouble. My family are a tad different though. I hope you like organised board game events and enough cheese to make the French weep?' he says.

Cheese and Scrabble. I smile to myself. ‘I've never been to the Lakes,' I mumble, trying to work out this option in my head. Ten minutes ago, I was more than happy for Christmas to be a velour jumpsuit, snacks and films situation, but there's something warming to know the three of them were sat there eating guacamole last night sharing concern for my well-being and came up with a plan to make my Christmas a little less lonely.

‘Make sure you've got a big coat,' Leo says, a smile hitting his eyes as he watches me seriously considering the option .

‘So a wedding, Jasper's posh mansion, Leo's up North,' I say pointing to each of them in turn. ‘You're telling me that's how I'm doing Christmas this year?'

‘I do not live in a mansion,' Jasper complains.

We all ignore him.

‘And it won't be weird because I'm your boss?' I ask them.

They all shrug. I never treat them like my subordinates anyway. I sit with them, we use the same mugs, we share in the same banter. For years, it's been the four of us stuck in this basement, like a mini tech family, so for them to suggest that I spend Christmas with them this year, makes me a bit emotional.

‘Then, yeah. OK…' I reply.

I'd like to say they all cheer and look thrilled at my response, but Frank immediately starts to type a reply on his phone to his mother, Jasper lies back to continue dying. I glance over at Leo and see his eyes looking over at me from his monitor. He catches me looking and smiles. I smile back, holding his gaze before he goes back to his work.