Chapter 14

FOURTEEN

So I don't really know what happened last night. One minute it was innocent flowing chat on the phone, which is something we often do at work. Yes, it did go on longer than it should have, but then I got in my Uber and he was still there, and we chatted the whole length of the journey. His excuse was that he wanted to make sure I got home to my little flat safely. I did get home. We didn't hang up. He came into my kitchen, we switched to a video call while I put my phone to charge, and he watched me eat cake and have a cup of tea. He saw me get very enthusiastic about my cake because it really was bloody delicious and I talked him through the layers of red velvet. I then gave him a tour of my flat, I showed him my very modest Christmas tree to the corner of my living room. He then came into my bedroom with me. I flopped on to my bed, kicking off my shoes, still in my dress and we chatted randomly about anything and everything.

‘So what would your wedding look like?' he asked me.

‘I've always liked the idea of renting a house in the country and you have the ceremony there and then the party is in the garden, and everyone stays the night. It's convenient. Chilled. There would be a fire pit,' I said a little too animatedly .

‘Noted, the girl likes a fire pit,' he said, laughing. ‘Would there be someone sitting there with a guitar?'

‘Of course. And smores and good quality unscratchy blankets. You?'

‘Small. Nothing that involves flash mobs, heavily choreographed photos or mud.'

‘Specific.'

‘I went to a mate's festival-themed wedding once. Hay bales and marquees but pissing down with rain. Nothing says romance like having to wring out your socks.' I lay back in bed and laughed. It was then I heard a coughing. ‘Maggie, your…' he mumbled, pointing. I looked down and noticed that one of my boobs had escaped, shall we say, and I was flashing nipple. I fumbled around, dropping my phone, trying to rearrange myself. When I picked up the screen, he had his hand over his eyes. ‘Is it safe to look?' he asked.

‘Yes.'

‘I am sorry, that was very…unprofessional.' My cheeks blazed. How long had it been staring at him like that?

He laughed. ‘The inference is that there is a professional way to flash someone.'

The laughter continued, and I was grateful he made a joke out of it. But then there was silence, the first of the evening, that sat there awkwardly between us.

‘We've been chatting for nearly three hours,' I told him, checking the clock in my room. It was 1.30am.

‘I know. And to think you'll have to do this with me all over again in a couple nights' time,' he joked.

‘I don't think I'll mind that much.'

I smiled. I didn't want to hang up. I could have sat there and spoken to him until the sun came out. He yawned and raised an arm over his duvet so I could see the contour of his shoulder, a slice of flesh at the top of his chest.

‘Look who's flashing nipple now!' I said, rolling my eyes.

‘That wasn't accidental,' he said, smiling. I liked how when we went to video call he didn't think to put on a shirt, he just continued the conversation wrapped in a duvet, still in his pants. The thought made me a little nervous.

‘The inference being that you flashed me on purpose.'

‘Maybe I did.'

He raised his eyebrows at me and that simple gesture made me sit up in my bed.

‘I don't quite know what we're doing here, Leo,' I told him cautiously.

‘We're just talking,' he said and he moved, and as he did so the duvet lowered a bit to reveal the full top of his chest. It's not like I didn't know Leo had a body, obviously he did, I've just never seen it like this.

I bit my lip, trying not to laugh. ‘Has it suddenly got quite warm in your room then?'

‘It has.'

And I am not sure what came over me. Maybe it was curiosity, courage or just some immediate intense attraction but I remember holding my breath and exhaling very, very slowly. ‘I should probably get out of this dress, eh? Seeing as I borrowed it.'

And he nodded, smiling at me as his duvet moved slowly down to his waist.

‘You know that's a terrible thing to do, yes?' Jasper tells me now as we sit outside Winchester train station, waiting on his mother to pick us up.

Over the full hour of our train trip, Jasper heard all the detail of last night. Not all of it, obviously. And especially not the part about when I awoke in the morning with an overwhelming sense of panic. Maybe something had been building with Leo in the last month, his kindness had started to peek through and I was noticing him more. The way his eyes would crease at the corners when he was really happy, and certainly more stolen glances over our monitors. To be at this point, to have acted on those impulses felt so very right but, as I lay there trying to work out what time it was, I realised I'd known this man for four years. Why had this not happened before? Oh, because I was his boss. I'd stepped over a line, abused my power some would say. Jan in HR would not be happy with this and, suddenly, I realised this could come across as really really bad if in the new year, we had to let Leo go. Could that be classed as harassment? What was I doing? I liked him, completely, but this was not well thought through.

‘I know. Please don't lecture me about it,' I plead with him.

Jasper sits on a bench, arms spreadeagled to the back of it, legs out taking in the cold sunshine as I pace in front of him.

‘I was also referring to the fact that your liaison may have been recorded, hacked. It all lives in the Cloud somewhere, you should know that? You've not called him since? Texted?'

‘Well, no. I got up at midday and I had to get ready to meet you.'

‘Don't use me as an excuse. It takes mere seconds to send an emoji,' he tells me. ‘I can't believe I'm the only person not to have seen your boobs though.'

‘JASPER!' I shriek, hitting him across the head. He laughs, alluding to how he found out. It turned out Frank got home from the wedding and brought a piece of wedding cake to Leo in bed. Who was very naked and still connected to me via Facetime where my phone was angled at my also very naked body. Apparently, Frank screamed to see me. He dropped the cake. And then he rang Jasper.

‘I can't believe you saw me in Waterloo and let me get on that train, knowing that whole time,' I say scolding him.

He smiles. ‘I thought you would have guessed from my expression. I rarely smile. That was my awful way of trying to keep the secret in. I can't believe you would have come into my family home and kept that information to yourself too,' he says, slightly annoyed at me.

‘I think I'm a bit ashamed. That was poor of me, to take advantage of him like that.' The fact is I want to appear professional, to voice the tumult of emotions in my gut, but the overriding feeling at the moment is lust. The fact I leaned into the temptation of Leo. That despite my better judgement telling me it was not a good idea, some other feeling soared above that all, telling me to just relent to it all.

‘What you described on that train did not sound like shame,' he tells me.

‘Was it too much…Did I say too much?' I think I was just holding on to all of it, tightly like a spring. I had phone sex, I had pretty intense orgasms, I went to sleep, I got up and had a shower, washed my hair, packed my things and was almost in shock and denial that it had happened. So when Jasper questioned me about it, I went into some sort of overdrive mode.

‘Well, the ladies behind us did move away when you started going on about being surprised by his penis and I am fond of you, Maggie, but those were not images I needed in my head.'

I stop pacing to blush profusely.

‘Did Frank indicate if Leo was OK?' I ask.

‘He didn't get a lot out of him,' he explains. ‘As we both well know, he's not one to share his emotions. You will have to get in touch with him at some point though. You're going to the Lakes in two days. You need to do something.'

I know this to be true but my head is far too messed up to be dealing with this now. I think I really like him but there are complications there to do with work decisions. Jasper studies my face and I can't quite read his expression – criticism or confusion. It's fortunate, therefore, that the moment is suddenly interrupted by a very loud and repeated car horn coming for us.

‘JASSSSSSSS!' someone shouts from an open Land Rover window and she screeches to a stop right by our bench, as I jump out of the way to avoid being run over. The lady exits the car and gives Jasper the biggest of hugs. Having met Frank's mum yesterday, there is something about her which is completely different. The way she embraces him and sways from side to side to draw it out and make him laugh, it's like a complete infusion of love. I won't mention that her hair is in rollers, she's got Uggs on her feet and a big winter coat over what I will assume to be some nightwear or the like underneath.

‘You could have got dressed, Mum?' he says, from over her shoulder, looking at me and trying to gauge my reaction.

‘Boring. Everyone was busy in the house anyways. I wanted to come. You're my Jas. You look so well. Have you grown?' she asks him. Did I expect her to be posh? Jasper's got some clipped tones to his accent that he tries to hide but his mother sounds normal.

‘I think you stop growing in your late teens, Mum,' he says but she doesn't listen, swinging around to take a look at me.

‘Maggie! Oh my,' she says coming in for a hug, a true warmth and sparkle in her eyes. ‘You're so welcome too. I'm Carmel.'

I hug her tightly in return. ‘It's lovely to meet you, Carmel,' I say. There's a gorgeous joy that just hits her face.

She pushes me back to look at me. ‘So lovely. Did you know that in all the years Jasper has been away from home, you are the only person he's ever brought home?'

‘That's a lie. I brought back Clarence once, who was on my course,' Jasper argues.

‘The one with the big hair like a lion's mane? He was slightly dull, Jassy Bear. He got spooked like a horse when anyone tried to talk to him.'

I smile when she calls him Jassy, which Jasper is not entirely impressed about. ‘I don't bring many people back to the bedlam,' he says dryly .

‘So rude but not untrue,' she jokes, opening the boot and helping us get our bags inside. ‘And don't worry, Jasper has briefed us. You are alone this Christmas? Really?'

‘My parents are on a holiday so Jasper suggested I come here. I hope it's alright?'

We all bundle into our seats and I sit in the back as she looks at me in the rearview mirror. ‘It's more than OK. I wish he would do this more. Jassy Bear, have you invited her skiing? You're very welcome to come along if you want?' she tells me and I smile back. We've only just met and you want to adopt me. It's very sweet either way.

‘I have plans with other friends but that's very kind, thank you.'

Jasper giggles in the passenger seat. ‘"Friends"…' he says, putting imaginary speech marks in the air. His eyes meet mine in the rearview mirror and I stick my tongue out at him.

I gaze out the window at the narrow country roads, the fields and hedges that mark out that we are truly in the countryside. Carmel whizzes past. Sheep. I just saw sheep.

‘I'm surprised Miles didn't come up with you guys?' she asks Jasper in the front seat.

‘He's driving up later. He had to run some errands,' Jasper explains.

That's the boyfriend. I grin to hear his name. I can piece together little details about this man. He lives with Jasper and given that his mum knows about him then this is more than dating. While it will be wonderful to meet him, I do wonder why I haven't known about him sooner. I'm simmering with curious excitement to meet the man who tamed our grumpy office cat.

The car starts to slow down and I look around at the infinite expanse of fields. There are no houses around this place. It's hedgerows and signs telling me to look out for horses. There's a stone wall to the left that suddenly opens up and there is a black gate there and we slow down and pull up to it. Carmel winds down the window and punches in a code. I sit there quietly. We knew you were posh, Jasper. We joked about it, but how posh? Are we talking private jet posh? Or does a weekly shop in Waitrose posh? The gate creeps open and Carmel drives on through, the car crunching against the gravel. We carry on through a drive lined with trees, the winter light filtering through and, for a moment, I put my hands up to the window to take it all in.

‘Is that a…lake?' I ask them.

‘Oh yes. The trout are all on their Christmas holidays though,' Carmel laughs.

And then around the very next bend of the drive, his family home comes into view, and I think I must feel the same way that Elizabeth Bennet felt when she first saw Pemberley. I expect she didn't cry out, ‘Holy Fuck,' to see it, however. ‘I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that out loud,' I mumble, apologising. ‘It's really…'

I catch Jasper's eye in the rearview mirror again. ‘It's fucking huge,' I say mouthing the words. It's a large stone house adorned in ivy, stairs to the front that lead on to wooden doors that most people would decorate with a simple wreath at this time of year but this is adorned with an archway of ribbons, pine cones and foliage, the door flanked by two sparkling Christmas trees. I don't know why but I start counting windows, noticing how every one is illuminated, decorated, and I try to peek at what it may look like inside. I feel my mouth agape to take it all in. I look back to Jasper. A mansion, my arse. You live in bloody Saltburn.