Chapter 9

"Whatever that is your drinking, it looks like a melted popsicle," Justin teased as I stared at him over my glass. It was yummy, even if it was a bright shade of pink. But the view of Justin – I couldn't take my eyes away from him. The fact that he wanted to go out with me – that he was flirting and into me, for some reason, made me very nervous. Why me? Why would he be into me? It made no sense.

"It's a strawberry-lemonade-vodka something. You wanna have a sip." Even the thought of his lips touching my glass and then taking a sip from that very same spot made my heart flutter.

"I don't mix if I can help it." His grin was special – especially when it was directed at me. It made me feel like I mattered, which was utterly ridiculous, wasn't it? But I was lost in whatever this was – I relished in it.

"You're young and should be making bad mistakes. Once you're my age, things change. I can't even look at a shot of tequila without wanting to crawl into the fetal position." I grimaced at the thought.

"I'm already there, and as for mistakes – I've already made enough to know better." He winked, and I lost control of my ability to process information for a second. He took away my control by just being near me, and that was ridiculous. I was ridiculous.

"Well, mistakes make us stronger, I guess. At least for most people, they do."

"I'll assume that yours didn't?" He asked like he actually cared.

"No – I mean, maybe in the long term they did." I shrugged, feeling like a fool. "Instead of growing from mine, I hid my head in the sand. It was easier that way."

"You're an ostrich." He chuckled.

"Ouch."

"I mean, you find it easier to hide from your problems than face them head-on and deal with them. My brother can be the same way sometimes. It only makes it harder – I think. I prefer to charge ahead and let the chips fall where they may." He snorted and cracked his neck with a loud pop. "Mine may have been easier if I hadn't faced it so quickly. It didn't do me any favors."

"Charging ahead? So, you're a… horse?" I smirked.

He raised his eyebrows, and I almost stopped breathing. "You wanna know which part?"

"What?" I felt the blood flush into my face.

"I could show you, but I could get arrested out in public." He lowered his voice and looked over his shoulder.

"I meant… I mean… a tiger! You're a tiger." I regained some composure.

"Maybe in bed."

And I lost it again. "Jesus! You… stop. You're making me blush."

"Oh, you're beet red. It's very cute. I like it when you blush." He chuckled and leaned over the table. "I'm a honey badger. Act first and think second."

I threw my head back and howled. "Honey badger, don't give a shit. I loved that meme."

"Honey badger doesn't give a fuck, and right now, this honey badger has no more fucks to give. I'm tired of thinking about the past, David. I want to… live in the… what's happening now, you know? Don't we all deserve that?"

"Yeah… So, what is happening, Justin?" The words came out before I could think better of them.

"Isn't that part of the fun – not knowing a hundred percent? I mean, it's… I'm into it, David, and I'm pretty sure you are too."

"I think tiger is a much more accurate description of you."

"I think there is a very good chance that you will see the tiger sometime soon unless you get scared and run away." He leaned back and smiled at me.

"You're uh…"

"Coming on a bit strong? I have no reason not to, and you're too scared to."

"That's true," I mumbled. "Tell me something about you. I don't know… a lot."

"Well, you know I almost failed out of school, and I'm taking online courses. I live with my family and work as a handyman and a server down at the coffee shop. What else do you want to know?"

"Anything."

"I want to work with a sports team when I… hopefully graduate." He sighed and stared at me for so long that I almost melted into the chair. "I uh… Ok… How about this? I'll tell you the truth about why I'm here. No one, well, almost no one knows. It would be nice to… tell someone – to tell you. Especially if we're… you know, and I think we are. I want to anyway."

"You don't have to." I didn't deserve his truth. I was a lustful older man who had cyber stalked and beaten off to his photos.

"I want to. It would be nice to get it all out there. When I'm done, you can also share why someone like you is still single in a town like Point Pleasant. I swear if you throw a football around here, you hit a gay guy."

"True – that must make me a very sad gay man."

"I think it must make you special." He smiled as he took a sip of his beer. "You're like a hidden surprise in this town."

I sat back in my chair and rotated my glass on the table. I didn't know how to respond – I felt good, but that made me even more nervous. He saw me, and for some reason, he liked me. Why did it feel so dangerous?

"I did, in some ways, fail out of school. It was my grades and financial aid. But that's the reason the school had. The cause – the root of the issue was actually something else." He picked up his drink and took a large gulp. "Ever since I was a… sexually aware, I guess, you could say – I have had a type. Usually, that meant nothing. I mean, my soccer coach was about your age when I was in high school, and I used to fantasize about him. Nothing happened, of course. It's not one of those kinds of stories. It was just a crush, and an awareness that when I had a crush, it was usually on an older guy. Not always – but most of the time."

"Ah…" I nodded – finally understanding a little bit more. My heart sped up.

"The summer before I went to college, I had my first encounter with an older man. I had used my youth and good looks to get into a gay bar, and that night, I made out with my first man. A real man, not someone close to my age. I mean, I wasn't a virgin. But this was the first time that it… It was like a hook inside me that pulled tight as his hands explored my body. He wasn't that much older, maybe thirty? But to me, it felt like… perfection, I guess. Then, I went to college, and my life was filled with classes and joining a frat. I dated a few girls, a few guys, you know… Nothing exciting, but fun."

"Then I walked into one of my upper-level classes my junior year and discovered that we had a new professor. He had just been hired by the university to replace someone who retired, and my heart jumped. So did my cock. He was the epitome of what you would expect from a college professor. Glasses and a tie… He looked smart and studious, and… Jesus…" He huffed. "I used to stare at him and lose myself in the fantasy of him instead of what he was teaching me. It got so bad that he had to pull me aside to talk about my grades. He was concerned that I was going through something, you know? But I couldn't tell him why I wasn't doing well. I couldn't say that I was having sexual fantasies as I watched him, and that's why I wasn't really listening. He was just so fucking adorable."

"He kept on me, and I tried, but I was behind and having a hard time catching up on all the classwork. I was also partying pretty hard, which wasn't helping, either. I know…" He chuckled. "But there was always something to do with the frat – some party or event that we were throwing or had to go to. I should have studied harder, but… Anyway, he finally offered to meet with me in his office to help me catch up. I was trying, and he could see that I was struggling with some of the information, so… tutoring a few times."

"It was so hard to sit there and listen to him. But I tried because he was giving me this time, and I wasn't a total idiot. I knew that if I didn't learn and catch up, I was going to flunk this class, and it would put me behind. He could see me working and offered to meet me a little more often over the next couple of weeks. I agreed, and one day, after I started to feel better about my grade, I reached over, took his face in my hand, and kissed him. He kissed me back."

"Months of hiding and sneaking around as I came to and from his office at the end of the day when no one else was around. Late nights and quick fumbles that took my breath away were all I really had with him. I passed his class with an A, and I stayed at the frat over the holiday. Everyone else had gone home, so he would come there, and we would have a drink and talk – I thought I was learning everything about him, and I was sharing my soul with him too, you know? Our quick fumbles grew longer as we now lingered in my bed – my arms wrapped around him. I let my fantasies grow and become something more than I had ever dreamed. I saw a future where we could stop pretending and sneaking around. I saw a mirage."

"He never spent the night, and once school started for the Spring semester, the hiding began again. Early evening fucks in his office where no one could see. By the end of the semester, I knew that I had to do something if this was ever going to become something else. He had confessed that he loved me and didn't know what to do about it. He was a professor in my department, and if they found out… I believed him until one day when I was at a bookstore. I saw him."

"Oh…" My stomach flipped. I knew this was going to be bad, and I hated that he had been through something like this. I felt guilty, and I had no idea why. I sat there frozen as he took a sip and sat his mug back on the table.

"Yeah, oh… I thought, why not, you know? So, I snuck up behind him, and right before I put my hands over his eyes – I saw them. And I heard them. I froze, and I'm sure my face didn't hide my… surprise. Standing right, there were three children and a woman. I glanced down and saw a wedding ring on his hand. He hadn't worn that in classes or… Married? I… ran away, and I know that his wife saw my reaction, and… I didn't know what else to do. I had fallen for this person. I had spent almost a year developing something with him, only to find out it was really nothing. He was married and had three children. I saw them and couldn't unsee them, and I felt horrible."

"Used. You felt used." I muttered, understanding exactly how he felt.

"Yes. When I confronted him about it a couple of nights later, he told me the truth. He may love me, but this could never be more than what it already was. He apologized and said he got caught up in finally allowing himself to act upon his gay feelings. He knew he hurt me, but he loved his family and…" He sighed. "Do you know what's weird? Six months ago, I couldn't have told you all of this – not calmly, anyway. But it feels so far away now – almost like I'm telling someone else's story. It feels good to know that I have finally put this in my past, and it doesn't have the same power that it once had, you know?"

"I… I guess I don't know – not really. I don't know you that well, I know that. But you have this… You are stronger than you think. You have to be. He broke your heart."

"Looking back, I was definitely heartbroken. I mean, I was destroyed. I lost myself in parties and any other person who I could stick my dick in for a while. I stopped going to classes last Fall. Apparently, we hadn't been as inconspicuous as we thought. There were other faculty members… the secretary, who knew things, and he was not asked to return. I have no idea where he went. But I ruined his career at the university, and I never said a word to anyone about it. But I heard the rumor, and I kept my mouth shut. There was no reason to tell them that it was true, and how I knew."

He picked up his drink and finished it.

"You want another?" I would have wanted one and started to stand up to get it. He put his hand on my arm and nodded at me to sit back down.

"It"s your turn," he frowned. "You don't get out of this. I shared mine, and now it's your turn."

"I… My story is just… It's a normal breakup story, I guess. I just wasn't as strong as you. I'm not as strong as you."

"A broken heart doesn't care how strong you are, David. It takes over, and you have to go through the death of… love. You have to mourn to heal. You're stronger than you think – I'm positive of that."

"How could you be? You don't really know me enough to know if that's true or not. I would like it to be true. But I'm… I'm an ostrich, Justin. I stick my head in the sand and hope it will all go away."

"What have you been hiding from? When I see you, I see a man who shouldn't be hiding. I see someone adorable, funny, and smart."

"Well, now that I know your type…" I chuckled.

"I guess I deserve that." He smiled.

"I think I'm hiding from me if you want to know the absolute truth. I know that's… silly, but…"

"It's not silly at all. We all deal with things the way we need to."

"I've been dealing with my… drama… for way too long. Maybe not dealing with it is a better way to say it. I met Satan when we were…"

"Wait! His name was Satan, and you dated him? Are you a masochist?" His eyes widened.

"I won't say his name. I just refer to him as the devil."

"That lets him keep the power. Say his name, and you take that power back."

"I haven't said it in… years. I just call him the horned one or the devil. I think I tried to make it a joke, but… it wasn't."

"What was his name?"

"I…." I sighed. His name felt foreign, so I shrugged at Justin and frowned. "I haven't said his name in over ten years."

"How long were you with him?"

"It had been almost five years. We met in college and started dating soon after. Our friend groups merged, and so did we. Then, after we graduated and had been living together, things changed. He changed. Hell, maybe I changed? I did, and so did he – but our movements were in opposite directions. He got bored in our life, and I was comfortable in it." I sighed so heavily that people looked over at me. I could feel my face flush.

"There's that blush. I like it when you get embarrassed. Your whole face just goes red so quickly." He chuckled. "Does it bother you that I think it's cute?"

"No." I turned redder. "I'm just… Anyway, so I liked our life. I enjoyed staying home and reading or watching a movie. I was never really someone who enjoyed the whole gay bar scene, and clubs were… I don't dance in front of people."

"I've never been a big fan of those things either." He nodded and leaned towards me. "So, what happened?"

"He woke up one day and rolled over. I smiled like I always did, and he said that he wasn't happy. This same conversation is had by thousands every day, but…" I swallowed.

"It doesn't make it hurt any less."

"No. When I asked him what I could do to make him happier, he said that I needed to move out. There was no… He had been thinking about this. I could tell by the way he said it. It was planned like one of those bad reality show scripts. He told me that he deserved more. I wasn't good enough for him. I was boring, and he wanted to go out and still have fun while he was young. He said a lot more – hurtful things than that. The devil…" I almost choked because I almost said his name. "He was gorgeous, and everyone was drawn to him because he just had that kind of energy. I left that night and came back for the rest of my things when he was at work. It ruined me for a very long time. He moved on quickly, which shouldn't have surprised me the way it did. But just seeing him and his new boyfriend with all of our friends, it… He got everything, and I didn't even try. I just gave up and hid away. I ostriched like an ostrich does."

"And now?"

"It's easier to avoid ever feeling like that again by not trying."

"I understand that – I do. But it's also sad, David. You deserve a happy life as much as anyone else."

I sighed.

"I know. I just didn't want to feel that way ever again. It… losing everything – it broke me."

"Not everyone is the devil, you know."

"The devil you know…" I shrugged. "Why are we here? I mean, I get the flirtiness and everything, but…"

"I don't just flirt to flirt, David. I flirt because… so far, I like you. Is that ok?"

I gulped. "Ask me tomorrow."

"That sounds like a second date to me. I'm not him, David. I'm just fucked up me."

"That's scary too. But… a second date sounds nice."