Chapter 19

Zane sighed so dramatically that I thought he was the one lying on the couch with his broken foot on a pillow.

"What is wrong with you?" I regretted even asking. If you opened the door an inch for his drama, Zane would rip that door off the hinges to waylay you with all his dirty laundry, and I had enough of my own right now.

I jumped as he clapped his hands loudly. "You, Mary. You are what is wrong. You're lying there way too pathetically, and it's totally annoying. What the fuck is on your mind?"

"Oh… nothing." I didn't really want to get into it, even with my bestie, not until I could rationalize it better myself.

"Do not lie to a professional fibber. It's unbecoming and only makes you look like an idiot. Spill bitch."

I sighed and tried to set up a little. "Justin had an interview yesterday. That's where he went when you came over. He was offered a job. Can you… I can't…" I struggled, but the pillow kept bunching up.

"Oh, boo… I am so sorry. When is he leaving?" He came over and readjusted the pillow.

"Thanks. He's not leaving."

He stared down at me and narrowed his dark eyes. "Then I am super perplexed or overly sexually frustrated to the point that nothing makes sense. What the fuck are you talking about?"

"He is a… His degree is in… Or it will be in physical therapy for sports or something straight like that."

"I didn't know he was still in school."

"Yeah, he's finishing everything online because of…" I paused and frowned at what I was about to do. "You know what? That's his story to tell, I guess. He had a bad last year and dropped out to come here. I guess I can say that. But now he has to finish his degree so he can work with the Pheasants."

Zane laughed as he picked up Liza and sat down on the edge of the sofa by me. He held her in his lap and rubbed behind her ear. She melted into him. "Oh, God. Hey, at least we have a pro team. I like to go and watch the Hunky violence every now and then. There are a couple of gay men on the team who go to Rumors every now and then. I may have made a small fool of myself by hitting on one of them a few times. That's great. It's a job here. So why are you acting like he died? He's finishing his degree, not breaking up with you. I mean, you are together, right? It seems like you are totally together."

"He's used the word boyfriend, but… it's not official – official, I guess. I suck at this. I would never date me. I'm a fucking mess." I huffed and crossed my arms. I hadn't allowed myself to walk down this road in a long time, and it felt treacherous.

"Duh." He rolled his eyes and smirked.

"You are not helping."

"Yet, I am sure I am completely meeting your expectations," he quipped bitchily.

"Totally." I pouted.

"You are still not making any sense. Once again, why is any of this a problem?"

I shrugged, unable to put the words to my feelings. "It shouldn't be, should it? But…"

"Ah… You really do have one fucked up head because of the devil." He looked at me sadly. "You have to get over him, boo. Seriously, it's been a long time. Stop mourning and wearing black because someone else needs it for another funeral. Your time has come to an end."

"I am totally over him. Just… It's not really him. It's just, I remember how bad I… Why was I so weak, Zane? People break up all the time, so why did I stay so fucked up? Am I like… broken?"

"Oh, trust me, I have pondered this many times in my life." He stood up and gently deposited Liza on the chair, and she quickly curled up on the blanket. "Stay, girl." He patted her head and then turned to look at me. "I used to get so mad at you because you just stayed messed up for so long that it pissed me off. I missed you, you know. You were there, but… It wasn't really you, was it?" He walked over and sat down beside me again.

"But I always came back to the same reason as to why you stayed so… like this. Some people love in the moment, David. But you… Boo, you love with your entire being, not just your heart or your mind. No, you love with every molecule that you possess, and when asshole broke you apart – your atoms flew all over the place because it was safer for them to stay in orbit – or flee mode if you prefer – than it was for them to ever come back together. It happened slowly – but you did eventually come back. You just never forgot how much pain you were in, and that's okay." He reached over and ruffled my hair gently. It was already a hot mess. "But trust me, I have seen how that boy looks at you. I have watched how he touches you and cares for you. I've seen how he has brought you back to me – back to yourself. So, don't fuck it up by being a moron."

"I'm being an idiot."

"You"re making decisions based on fear instead of what's actually happening. Honestly, I'm a shallow bitch, and even though I'm your best friend, you really should be having this conversation with someone who has much more emotional depth than me. But here is the truth, David. You can let go now. Let go of everything you have protected yourself from because if you don't, you're going to lose him. You can't push people away and expect a different outcome. Look at me. Why do you think I'm still in the game of trying to find someone to love? Because when it gets tough – I split. Don't do that. You deserve so much more. No regrets, hon."

"You deserve it too, babe. Underneath all the quips and snark is one of the most loving people I have ever met." I patted his knee.

"True. But I hide mine, and I need to totally work on that, I agree. But this isn't about me, boo. This isn't my therapy session – it's yours. It's about you holding onto something that is worth holding on to. He dotes on you, and it makes me gag with the fucking sweetness of it. Do not fuck this up." He bopped me on the nose.

"I mean, it's not like we've been dating for long."

"Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds."

I giggled. "Jesus! Who are you?"

"I have the quote on a pillow. Anyway, why does that matter? A month or two years makes little difference when you allow yourself to live inside your feelings. You love him."

"Yes. And it…"

"Scares the fuck out of you, I know. He's here, isn't he? He chose to be here."

"And he's choosing again, even if it might not be the best decision for him."

"Maybe you are the best decision for him – have you ever thought of that?"

I took a breath and let his words settle in the very core of me. "Hmm… No."

"Then stop worrying about what might happen in the future. Sure, in four months, this thing could… change. That could also happen in twenty years. Relationships change, boo. They grow, or they falter. But if you stifle it right away… How can a plant grow if there's no water or sun to provide the nourishment?"

"Jesus, I had no idea you could be so wise." I grinned at my bestie, who bent down and kissed me on my forehead.

"Even a wise-ass can make good decisions, sometimes. So that is what you do. Make good decisions, and stop being so fucking noble and let that grown-ass man make his own decision without you meddling. Got it?"

"Loud and clear."

"Yeah… But you have always sucked at following directions."