Chapter 17

Syl was lined up with the others when I came out, and she didn't seem upset when I squeezed my way in between her and a muscle-bound guy with a buzz cut. Instead, she gave me a flirty grin, her eyes twinkling before they fixed on the tree line. She was already naked, her back straight as she looked out dreamily at the forest.

Beautiful. I ached to draw her expression, but that wasn't why I was here. So, I committed the light in her eyes to memory and busied my hands, pulling off the joggers and hoodie I'd thrown on. When I pulled it over my head, I emerged to find her eyes glued to my body, roving over my muscles with a hunger I was eager to sate.

Too bad I had to be an asshole today.

I cleared my throat, and her eyes shot guiltily to mine. Fuck. She could stare at me all day if she wanted to. I welcomed her attention. Every muscle, every ridge of definition had been put there for her. A costume that allowed me admittance to her exclusive club.

It was all for her, and it was all hers.

I scrubbed a hand through my hair.

But I couldn't say that.

"I hope you're not going to take off on me again." There was a warning growl in her voice, but I caught the underlying lust and frustration. If I chased her, would she submit to me? Allow me to take her as I'd been about to last time? I could imagine it, how healing it would be. I'd stay, unlike last time, and finish what we'd started.

Only, that might kill me. I drew a deep, steadying breath and looked down at her. My angel, my muse.

"Sorry, Syl, but I like to be alone on my runs. It's weird, I know, but I'm a bit of a lone wolf that way," I said the last with an awkward laugh, hoping to soften the blow I saw already falling and crushing the excitement in her eyes.

She looked away, her brow puckered and bottom lip protruding. Her slim shoulders filled with a tension my palms longed to ease.

Fuck.

I wished I could chase her down like she wanted. Every part of me screamed to do so, to hunt her through the forest and hold her down, but I couldn't. There was no way to explain why without outing myself.

We were out here for a scheduled run. To maintain our bodies in peak physical condition. To let the animal part of ourselves soak up the glory of the pines and the crunch of leaves as we raced through them.

But it wasn't meant for me, and I never felt more like an outsider than in that moment with Syl's eyes glistening as she fixed them on an empty space across the field. No longer looking to the tree line but at something that didn't exist.

I'd never wanted to disappoint her, and I'd never hated myself more than in that moment. All my mother's and my sister's words about my defective nature couldn't compare to the disappointment in Syl's eyes. A disappointment I'd put there myself.

A disappointment in me.

Always a watcher, never a breeder. Never anything more than the little defective boy held back from runs, from participating in anything even remotely straining, and then locked in a room to watch more able-bodied men once I was old enough. Better men.

Fuck, I wanted to scream out my frustrations, but Carter stood in front of the line, giving some shit speech about nurturing our other forms.

I didn't know if he was really giving a bad speech or if my hate for him was strong enough to downgrade even the most eloquent of words, but the thought of that slimy jerk out there with Syl, able to chase her through the woods when I couldn't…It filled my mind with rage until whatever words he continued to spout were lost to the thundering in my ears.

There was cheering around me as everyone began to shift, but I stood there in my human form watching as Syl took off across the field and into the woods, easily winding a path between the pines. Beautiful. I could watch her run all day. Just plant myself out here and watch Syl-wolf do all manner of mundane thing.

I longed to be out there with her, to hunt her like an animal and take my reward when I caught up, but that wasn't me.

So, I shifted, taking my wolf form and falling to my paws as my bones cracked into their new position and hair sprouted across my body. Even with my heightened senses, I could feel the crushing pain and anger at having to stay back. I loped my way into the woods, ensuring an easy pace that wouldn't irritate my lungs.

I hid in the woods like a coward, pawing through the decaying leaves and falling branches to make enough space for my oversized body so I could lie in the dirt, cursing my pathetic existence.

If wolves could cry the way humans did, a stream of my tears would have caught in the wind and trailed behind me as I raced through the woods, trying to outrun the pain and disappointment. I'd been so sure when I came out here today that we'd pick up where we left off, that the hurt caused by Bash abandoning me on the forest floor would be healed tenfold. Instead, he'd muttered some stupid bullshit about wanting to be alone.

Alone and not with me. Was I really so undesirable? But I knew I wasn't, at least not to Bash. The way he'd been watching me when I'd invited him into my room had been dirtier than most of the sexual acts I'd fulfilled since coming to the dorm. He hadn't just undressed me with his eyes. He'd fucked me with them, and I'd ordered him out, wanting him to take me out here the way he'd failed to do before.

Only he wouldn't. Tragic yips escaped my throat, and I ran harder, pushing my legs until they burned, leaping over a fallen tree and barely slowing my pace. I'd left a moment behind the rest, but I knew I was ahead of them now, and I wanted to put even more distance between myself and any other wolf.

If Bash wanted to be alone, then I'd be alone too. Maybe that way I could feel close to him again.

But the understanding wouldn't come. He wanted me, and he'd wanted me during our run last time. Why give me a shitty excuse so he could go off on his own? It didn't make sense, and I couldn't stop the images of him chasing down a different she-wolf from forming in my mind. She'd be a beauty with long legs to match Bash's height and a mane of silky-smooth dark hair. Never mind that no one in Pack Breeders 103C fit that description. Bash's girlfriend took shape in my mind until she became a real person, and I fucking hated her.

I knew how stupid I was being. If he chose to take another woman, it was none of my business. We were here to conceive. Nothing more. And multiple partners weren't only encouraged, they were practically demanded. Everyone knew they'd be going home after they were involved in a pregnancy as a man or made pregnant as a woman.

Back to their real lives away from this place of fiction, and relationships deeper than the physical were discouraged. Bash should take another lover, and I should too. It was what we were meant to do, but winding through the trees and tearing through the brush didn't change how badly I wanted Bash, or the feeling that he'd be the one to finally get me pregnant.

And that was the goal—a pregnancy. Then they could all leave me the fuck alone. I'd hand the red-faced infant, or infants, off to a gaggle of eager aunties and make my dresses in peace. Safe from the poison fields and able to live my life.

I'd lost sight of the goal—distracted by Bash and our connection—but he didn't care enough to chase me. Even knowing the way most runs ended with wolves tangled up with one another—sometimes shifting, sometimes not—with the adrenaline of racing through the woods and feral needs of our animal sides brought to the surface, had me concluding that he didn't care.

Maybe he was happy to be rid of me, to lose me out here and let another wolf hunt me down the way he'd started to do before turning away.

I had to face the facts.

He didn't want me.

Sex with Bash was dangerous. Sex with anyone else was just sex, but with Bash—it was something more. Something that went beyond the physical.

All of it amounted to one thing. The Party Girl was back. I'd still draw with Bash, soaking up his presence and artistic skills, so I could return to 14F better able to draw out the fashions in my head, but I'd stay away from him physically and avoid his touch at all costs. I knew where it led now, and nothing good could come of it.

It could get me cut from the breeding program and sent directly to the fields. Icy fear gripped my heart, and I stumbled, coming to a stop.

I'd give up on him. The next time I saw him, I wouldn't allow myself to be drawn in. He didn't want me, and I was done letting heartache and longing interfere with what I was doing here.

But I couldn't stop the mournful howl from leaving my throat. It echoed up into the branches, flushing out a group of birds with inky black wings previously unseen within their depths. Why had I dared to hope for more from this place, from him? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid girl.

I'd miss Syl, but she didn't have a place here.

Not anymore.