Chapter Thirty-Six

Darcy hated being called an ice princess. The implication, especially coming from Natalie, that she was cold and aloof, that she lacked any feelings, really bothered her.

She wasn’t cold. She didn’t lack feelings. If anything, she had too many that were too easily hurt. Caring too much about what her friends thought, about their future as a couple, about Natalie had led to her making the biggest mistake of her life. It had cost her Natalie and broken both their hearts.

She looked at Natalie and tried not to pick a fight. They were getting along better every day and it made working together significantly more fun. But the way Natalie casually mentioned Grace’s concerns coupled with how easily she dismissed the notion that she’d ever have feelings for Darcy burned.

People treated her differently when they found out who her father was or that she’d won a bunch of gold medals. She was proud of those accomplishments but wished it didn’t change how people spoke to her, how they treated her. It was too much pressure to live up to that image. Anything she said or did could only ruin that impossibly high opinion. Her anxiety told her there was nothing she could do to improve on people’s expectations of her. She could only disappoint them.

If she didn’t fall all over herself to be kind and polite, or if she was having a bad day, people might think she was rude or aloof or full of herself. Or, like Natalie, they might claim that everything she had was given to her because of her last name and not because she’d worked her ass off for it.

This had bothered her for years, and she’d mostly realized that there would always be people who thought she’d been handed all her successes on a silver platter. She couldn’t change who she was, but she could try to care less about the people who would never look past her last name.

Back in college, she thought that Natalie saw through all that bullshit. They joked with each other, and being a Canadian princess was a big part of that, but it was always lighthearted. She thought Natalie knew that all of that was a joke, not a real thing. It made her relax in Natalie’s presence. She could be herself with Nat.

Back then, when they were together, she didn’t think about the pressure to be perfect. She didn’t worry about disappointing Natalie because Natalie didn’t expect her to be superhuman. Darcy didn’t worry about disappointing Natalie by failing to live up to some image of her that wasn’t real.

Except, she blew it. She ruined all of that. She disappointed Natalie, and herself, and she’d never really recovered. She vowed she’d never disappoint another person like that ever again. Having Natalie bring up Grace brought all the memories flooding back.

A couple days after they got back from the NCAA finals, it felt like everyone on campus stopped her to say congratulations. When Darcy looked up from her meal, she expected another round of congratulations. Instead, Grace started screaming about how Darcy was a “selfish, overrated, asshole who deserved to spend the rest of her life alone and miserable.” Darcy tried to shake it off but Grace’s words ate away at her, even years later.

She looked over at Natalie, who was making notes on her legal pad. Was she thinking about what an asshole Darcy was all those years ago? Did she still hold that grudge? Or was it nothing to her now? Was Darcy’s biggest regret something Natalie never thought about because Darcy was just some insignificant footnote to her life? Was Natalie taking shots at her for fun, or was there real hurt behind her words?

Darcy couldn’t decide which was worse, being someone Natalie never forgave or something Natalie never considered at all.

“What about this?” Natalie shoved her own laptop toward Darcy and hit Play on a YouTube video. Darcy watched as a skier took off over and over again and then demonstrated indoor training where he jumped off a platform and his coach held him aloft.

“Who knew ski jumping had so much in common with Dirty Dancing ?” Darcy said, her eyes on the screen.

Natalie laughed. “I think if they have us do that we might kill someone. These jumpers are built like whippets and we...”

“Are not,” Darcy said with a laugh.

Darcy found another trove of videos and watched ski jumpers flying off the end of massive jumps again and again. There had to be some videos of people training, little kids or beginners, learning how to do this wild sport because there was no way she was going to go to the top of the ramp let alone ski down it and off the edge. No matter how badly she wanted this job, she wasn’t going to die for it.

She turned her screen to Natalie. “I’m not keen on killing some poor, unsuspecting skiing coach, but I’m also not excited to fly off the end of that ramp and die in a fiery crash.”

Natalie scoffed. “The hill’s covered with snow, there’s zero chance we’d catch fire.”

Darcy shoved Natalie’s shoulder without thinking about it. Then realized what she’d done. “Sorry. Unprofessional.”

“Remove your hockey stick from your ass, LaCroix. You’re allowed to joke around with me. I’m not calling HR because you stopped pretending we haven’t known each other for fifteen years.”

Darcy nodded solemnly. “Things with us...” She had no idea how to finish that sentence. “I didn’t know if I was allowed after everything.”

Natalie held her gaze. “I’m a grown-ass woman, Darcy. People have said mean words to me before. I’m sure they’ll do it again. I can take it.”

Darcy swallowed. Natalie hadn’t forgotten what she’d done. But it wasn’t clear she had forgiven her either. It felt worse, somehow, to be dismissed as one of a group of people who had been shitty to Natalie. When it came to Natalie, she never wanted to be one of a crowd, she wanted to be the only one.

She tried to read Natalie’s expression, searching for any bit of hope she could find there. Natalie wasn’t giving anything away but her eyes weren’t angry. If anything, Darcy would have said they were soft and gentle, the blue sparkling with mischief and something else. Darcy wouldn’t let herself hope that there might be more there. How could she even dare hope for a second chance after what she’d done? She’d hurt Natalie, the first girl she’d ever really loved. She didn’t deserve a second chance.

But sitting in that stupid conference room, watching videos of skiers flying into the air, she realized she wanted another chance with Natalie.

And she had no fucking idea how to get Natalie to give her one.