51. Sawyer

CHAPTER 51

SAWYER

"Where are we going if we need snacks for the drive there?" Leah asks as we walk through the candy aisle of the gas station.

"I told you, it's a surprise." I kiss her temple and she rolls her eyes.

"Fine. But how man—" She stops when her phone starts ringing. "Oh, it's my mom." She smiles, swiping across the screen to answer. "Hey Mom." I scan the shelves as I try to decide what I want to take for the trip when Leah psst 's me over to her. "We're just grabbing snacks before we go to some secret place Sawyer wanted to show me. What's up?" She sticks her tongue out at me and holds her bag of nerd clusters out for me to take from her, but before I can take them, they fall to the ground. I bend to scoop them up and when I look at her again, my blood runs cold.

"What do you mean? Is he okay?" Her eyes begin to water immediately, and her lip is quivering furiously as she hunches over with her hand covering her mouth. "No no no no no, please no!" The hand holding her phone falls to her side, and I grab it before her cell can hit the tiles.

"Leah, what's wrong? What happened?" Her body is completely limp in my arms as she sobs. Nothing she says is comprehensible, so I look down and see the call is still connected. With a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat I pull the phone to my ear.

"Mrs. Gates? It's Sawyer." I hear her sniffle and clear her throat.

"Hey, Honey. Do you think you could get Leah back home?"

"Of course. We'll be on the next flight out. Is everything okay?"

"Allen had a stroke. He uh, he didn't make it." She is trying to be so strong right now, but her voice breaks at the last minute.

I wonder if there's anyone there with her.

Leah lets out another soul crushing wail and I clear my throat, trying to force my composure back into place.

"I am so sorry, Loretta. We'll be back as soon as possible."

"Thank you." I hang up the call and sit our snacks on the shelf closest to me, wrapping my arms around her as tight as I can without crushing her, trying to bring her some kind of comfort.

Does that even exist?

Comfort right after finding out one of the most important people in your life isn't going to be there when you get back home? Not in the way you want them to be, at least.

Fuck!

"Come on baby, let's go home." I scoop her up, walking her out to the car and buckling her in before heading back to the hotel to pack and book the next flight out.

She doesn't say a word the entire way back home. She goes between crying and staring blankly out the window. From the car, to the airport, to the plane, until we land back in Tennessee. I wrap my hand around hers when we get into the truck, but she doesn't move an inch until we pull up to her parents' house. Then, for the first time since her phone rang this morning, she looks at me.

"Your mom is here. I thought you'd want to be with her, but?—"

"I do." Her voice is so raspy from crying and refusing to drink anything. It breaks my heart hearing the pain she's in. I hop out, open her door and she takes my hand to get down, then pulls it away and wraps her arms around herself.

"I'll probably stay here with her tonight," she says, looking down at her feet.

"Of course. I'll come by in the morning to check on you both. Come on, I'll walk you up." She lifts her head, tears immediately streaming down her face when she does. I wipe them away with my thumbs and her eyes fall closed.

"Please go home, Sawyer." Her voice cracks.

"What?" I rear back, confused by her request.

"I can't do this. Okay? I can't." She shakes her head, her sobs shaking her whole body.

"I know, baby. I'm so sorry this happened but I'm right here, okay? I'm not going anywhere." She lets me wrap my arms around her and press a kiss to her forehead, but the moment ends just as quickly as it happens.

"No. You don't get it! I don't want you here, Sawyer!" she yells, frantically running her hands through her hair.

"What?" My chest tightens and my brows pull together in confusion. She looks away from me, with tears and snot streaming down her face.

"I can't look at you without thinking about why I wasn't here. Why I wasn't here for months before that. I missed out on so many chances to be with him. Because I was with you ."

"Baby, you couldn't have known this was going to happen. You can't not live life just because of what may or may not happen."

"But it did happen. It did! And now he's gone, Sawyer! My dad is gone. I'm never going to hear him call me Sweetpea again or take me on a drive when you break my heart, or try to get me to sneak him a cookie after dinner before he checks—" she sucks in a few deep breaths and I can tell she's about to have a panic attack. " Whyyyy! " she tries screaming, but there's too much strain on her voice to allow it so it comes out a pained whisper.

I blink away the tears that have formed in my eyes and pull her into me. She may hate me right now, but she needs me just as much.

"Breathe for me, Dove. Please, baby. You've gotta breathe." She isn't. She can't. The grief is consuming her.

"Breathe with me." I take a deep breath in, letting it out on a three count. Then I take her face in my hands with tears streaming down both of our faces.

"Breathe. With. Me," I command, taking another breath just like the last, only this time, she inhales too. We do this a few more times until she's breathing on her own again.

"I'm not walking away from you, Dove. I told you I wouldn't and I'm not. I can't. I told you you're going to have to demand it or be the one to walk away." She shakes her head, sniffling as more tears fall.

"Then I am. I have to." I take a few steps down the walkway, running a hand through my hair as I try to keep my heart from shattering.

"No. Please, baby. You promised. You promised me you wouldn't walk away either. Please don't do this, I can't lose you. Not again, not after I just got you." My voice shakes with every word.

"That was before my dad was gone , Sawyer! I don't want to see you right now. Why can't you just understand that?"

"Because I love you," I whisper.

There's as much pain in my voice as I know there is in her heart—and I know the pain in mine could never compare—but that doesn't change the fact that when she turns around and runs into her mom's house, she rips my heart out of my chest and takes it with her.

Mom

We just landed. We'll be there soon. Thank you for letting us know.

Me

You're welcome. Leah is staying with her mom. They'll probably both be there.

Mom

When will you be going back? We could wait to go with you.

Me

You should go without me. Leah doesn't want to see me anymore.

Mom

What happened Sweetheart?

Me

She blames me for not being there when it happened.

Mom

Oh, Sawyer. You know that isn't your fault. She's just hurting and needs time to grieve. Don't give up on her.

For the first time in my life, I feel like giving up is exactly what I should do to make things right with her.