29. Leah

CHAPTER 29

LEAH

Holy Shit. That just happened. Okay, everything is fine. Just breathe.

Sawyer pulls his hand out of my shorts and just when I think I'll be able to get my heart rate to slow, he sucks the same to fingers that were just inside me into his mouth.

"If you ever want me to touch you, Dove. All you have to do is ask." He leans up and kisses me again, turning my heart into a puddle for him.

I've wanted to know what it would feel like to have this man's hands on me for far longer than I care to admit. I thought I was going to lose my damn mind last night sleeping next to him in nothing but his boxers. I deserve some kind of medal for not telling him to take me in every way he could think of right then and there. Or maybe I'm an idiot for not doing that.

When it comes to Sawyer, complicated is the best way I can think to describe my feelings. I've never cared for anyone the way I care for him, but the hurt I've felt over him in the past isn't something you get over easily. Sure, it's been ten years since it happened, but I've only recently found out why it happened, and it still stings. Even so, I want him more than I want air most days.

His thumbs rub lazy little circles around my thighs as he leans back and looks up at me.

I have no idea what to do now. I still want to take things slow… ish , but I can definitely feel how hard his dick is beneath me and wow. But I have no idea how to do… that . I mean, I know how , I don't live under a rock. I just have zero experience and if he made me come with two of his fingers while sitting down—that's kind of a hard act to follow.

"Okay! You ready to get some groceries?" And just like that, he eases all my worries and answers my unasked question. He drums on my ass playfully and helps me stand back up.

"Uh, yeah. Let me go change real quick." I smile, adjusting my shorts that are hanging a little too far to one side.

"I'll take your coffee out and warm up the truck." Then he kisses my forehead and walks out the door. Like he's done this a million times before.

Has he?

Was there someone else he did lazy Sundays with? I mean it's not like I didn't miss out on ten whole years of his life. He could have been married and divorced in that time frame. I mean, sure I probably would have heard about it because there's absolutely no chance Taylor could keep that information to herself, but my intrusive thoughts refuse to acknowledge that .

I glance down at the book on my coffee table and smile. I know Sawyer too well to be worried about any of this. No matter how many times I've tried to deny just how well. If I want to know about his past, all I have to do is ask.

I run to my room and throw on a pair of leggings and my favorite high-top sneakers before locking up and heading out to go grocery shopping.

With the guy I've loved forever but only been with for a day.

My life makes no sense to me but I'm just gonna roll with it.

"Regular or barbeque?" Sawyer stops in front of the basket and holds up two bags of chips.

"Neither. Sour cream and cheddar." He places the bags back on the shelf and scans the aisle until he finds the right flavor. "What about you?" I tip my chin at him.

"Barbeque. Duh."

Some things never change .

The Clark household used to have a family sized bag of BBQ chips on hand at all times, just for him. God help the poor soul that touched that bag without asking—it literally had his name on it.

"What are you laughing about?" He nudges my arm, bending down to rest his elbows on the basket handle next to mine.

"Do you remember when you used to write your name on a family sized bag of chips and you would get so pissed if anyone would eat them without asking?" I laugh.

"Yes, because JJ always left it empty and Tot would only leave crumbs and claim she didn't eat them all ," he says defensively.

"You always shared with me though." My eyes narrow on him as a memory resurfaces.

"You were the exception." He winks at me and gives my ass a slap before taking my list from me. I stop him before he gets too far down the aisle.

"Hey Sawyer?"

"Yes, Dove."

"Was there ever anyone else? That you did this kind of stuff with?" I'd like to say my nerves are settled as I ask him this in the middle of the grocery store, but that would be a big fat lie.

"Do what? Grocery shopping?" I let out a small laugh because I can tell how serious he is in asking that.

"No. Boring Sundays. You seem… I don't know. Too good at it for it to be your first time?" He lets out a laugh now, and I feel completely ridiculous for even bringing it up.

"While I like the idea that you think I'm experienced," he says with a wink. "No, I've never done the lazy, boring Sundays with anyone before."

"Then why does it seem so natural? The way you can shift from…" I lower my voice and step closer to him. "From what we did on the couch to telling me you're gonna warm up the truck and have my coffee waiting for me?"

"Because it is natural to me." I can feel the confusion written all over my face and he takes a deep breath, taking my hand in his. "You're still my best friend, Dove. Being with you has always felt easy to me."

"So boring Sundays are special? Just for us?" I smile, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Boring Sundays will always be just for us. I promise." He presses a quick kiss to my lips then pats on my butt playfully. "Okay! Last movie that made you cry?"

Sawyer continues our little game of twenty questions while we check everything off my list before heading to the register to pay.

DING.

Mom

Hey sweetheart. Dad and I aren't feeling so well tonight. I'm so sorry. Is it okay if we skip dinner tonight?

Me

Oh no! I'm so sorry you guys aren't feeling good. I'll drop some dinner off for you both and we can pick back up next week. Sound good?

Mom

You don't have to get us anything. Next week sounds great though. smile emoji

Me

I am bringing you dinner, Mom. Don't argue with me. heart emoji Do you need anything else?

Mom

Okay then. Yes, actually could you pick your dad up some cold medicine? The kind that dissolves in hot water? It always seems to kick this junk the fastest.

Me

You got it. I'm at the grocery store now so I can drop it off in about half an hour.

Mom

Thank you sweetheart. I love you.

Me

I love you too, Mom.

"Everything okay?" Sawyer asks, leaning against the basket handle as he studies me with a worried expression.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. My parents aren't feeling well. They asked to cancel dinner but I need to grab my dad some cold medicine." I look around the store for a pharmacy sign.

"I hate to hear that. Is there anything else we should grab for them?" My heart swells in my chest hearing Sawyer's concern for my parents.

"I don't think so. I'm just gonna grab the medicine from the pharmacy, I'll be right back."

After finding medicine for my dad, grabbing food from a restaurant Sawyer recommended—because they have a really clean menu which is good for Dad's dietary needs—and dropping everything off at my parents' house, we make it back to my place right around sunset.

"So. How was your day of doing boring things with me? Ready to run back home yet?" I laugh, unlocking my door as Sawyer carries almost all of the groceries he bought for me in one hand. Yes, he bought my groceries, and paid for my parents' dinner—because why not give me one more reason to find him insanely perfect?

"This might just be my favorite Sunday to date." There go those damn butterflies again. Fluttering to life at the sound of his voice, at the idea he enjoyed a lazy Sunday with me. At the way he comes up behind me, after setting the bags on the island, spinning me around in his arms.

"I hear you're free for dinner tonight?" He brushes the tip of his nose against mine, picking me up around my waist prompting me to wrap my legs around him.

"It appears so." My arms drape lazily around his neck, and I smile as his eyes land on my lips.

He walks me over to the kitchen island, setting my ass down on the empty space as the tension in the air grows thicker. He doesn't say a word, he simply runs his hands down the length of my spine, squeezing hard when he gets to my backside before pulling me closer to him. Then he leans in and kisses my neck, licking and biting in a way that has me wet within seconds and sends my mind into a tailspin.

"Dove," he growls against my skin as my head falls back.

"Yes," I whisper pleadingly.

"Can I take you to dinner tonight?" His kisses trail up my jawline and he nips at my ear before standing back to face me completely. When I finally catch my breath and focus on him, he actually looks nervous.

"Sawyer Clark, are you asking me out on a date?"

"I am." My heart does a somersault in my chest because I never thought this day would happen. Not in this lifetime at least.

"I would love that." I bite on my cheek to keep my smile from bursting at the seams.

"Alright then," The boyish smile on his face and the strong Tennessee accent in his response has seventeen-year-old me absolutely screaming on the inside.

"Let's get stuff finished up here then we can get ready to go, sound good?"

God, I love an assertive man.

I nod in agreement and just like it's been the rest of the day, Sawyer flawlessly transitions from a heated moment to putting laundry away for me like he's been part of this routine forever. Meanwhile, I can't stop thinking about what happened on the couch before we went grocery shopping and wondering if he had the same inclination I did to let it happen again on the island before he asked me to dinner.

As I'm putting the last bit of groceries away, Sawyer comes walking back out of my bedroom with something in his hand, but what really gets my attention is the pained expression on his face.

"What's the matter?" My brows knit together as his head shakes back and forth.

"You kept this?" Now it's my turn to frown. I look down at the blue and yellow hoodie I've had since tenth grade with our school's hockey logo on it and my expression softens.

"Of course I did. You gave it to me." He begins closing the distance between us, coming to a stop right in front of me.

"Even when you hated me. You kept it? You…sleep in it?" The strain in his voice as well as the way he visibly swallows make his emotions clear.

"I never hated you, Sawyer. I just wanted to hate you because…" I roll my lips together, unsure if now is the time for this conversation.

"Because why, Dove?" The agony in his face is pleading with me to finally be truthful—with him and with myself.

"Because I never stopped loving you." I've never seen a man get emotional. Not directly at least, and never about me. But the way Sawyer's chest is rising and falling with short, quick breaths and the sad joy that's now in his eyes, it's unmistakable.

"You loved me?" His voice cracks, making my heart squeeze and my eyes begin to water.

I nod in response. "Well…yeah."

"For how long?" The strain on his voice breaks me in ways I never knew were possible.

"For as long as I can remember," I whisper. "Ever since you first called me Dove." He breaks down, letting his hands cup my cheeks and he presses his forehead to mine.

"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice is soft like a whisper, but full of pain.

"Because we became friends, and I didn't want to lose you. And—" I drop my head, looking down at my socks until he pulls my gaze back to him.

"And?"

"I was convinced you'd never look at me the way I always looked at you. I was just your little sister's best friend for a while, then we were friends, then I was… nothing." I can almost feel my heart breaking all over again as I hear the collapse of our relationship voiced aloud.

He steps back and pulls his shirt over his head, making me breathe a little deeper when I take in his perfectly sculpted, tattoo covered body. He grabs my hands and places them on his ribs, making my face twist in confusion.

"I've wanted you for far longer than you even realize, Dove. I've only seen you for over ten years. You engrained yourself into my mind so deeply, that when we went our separate ways, the only way I could make sure I had some part of you with me always, was to etch you into my body as well." When the realization hits me, I look down where he placed my hands, a small gasp leaving my lips when I see it.

An angel wing is tattooed on the left side of his rib cage with the word Dove closing one side. I run my fingertips over the scalloped part of the wings, my vision becoming blurry behind my glasses.

"When did you get this?" I ask, wiping the tears with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

"About a week after Halloween."

"Why this? Why there?" I point to the tattoo again. He smirks as he caresses my cheek with his thumb.

"You were dressed like an angel that night. When the girls left you in the corn maze and we started walking together, you got scared and you grabbed onto me so tight that you left nail marks on my ribs right here. The scalloped part of the wings are the outline of your fingernails. When they started to fade it felt too much like a sign of what was to come. I knew I didn't want them to fade because I didn't want our friendship to either, even though I was pretty certain it would, given the way I was having to avoid you. So, I got them inked in permanently. Your name, well, I should hope that one is obvious." He smirks, but it's a sad smirk—not playful or flirty like the ones I've grown so fond of. I wrap my arms around him, resting my head on his bare chest, basking in the warmth and the wild rhythm of his heartbeat.

"I can't believe we lost so much time." He kisses the top of my head, running a hand through my hair.

"I know. But we're together now. And I'm not losing another damn second with you."