7. Tessa

Rich kept his eyes pinned on me. I resisted the urge to curl my arms around my waist to shield myself.

“Hurry up,” he barked at Eric.

Rich didn’t even look at Eric. This was how it went when I dropped my son off for visits with his father. Rich had visits every other weekend, and he often cut them short. I resisted the urge to ask what his plans were.

If I said a word about it, he would change his plans. The man was mercurial about everything. If he knew I expected him to give up any time with our son, he wouldn’t do it. I remained still and quiet, willing away the urge to nervously chew the insides of my cheeks. Because he would notice that too.

Eric scrambled out of the car. I knew he was reluctant to go with his dad. He always was, yet I couldn”t do anything about it. We were still locked in a custody battle. Rich was fighting for fifty percent when he couldn’t even be bothered to do an entire weekend.

Rich finally looked away from me when he heard the door to his car close. I waited. “I’m gonna have to cut the weekend short. Just tonight. If you could pick him up tomorrow at my place at two, that would be great,” he said.

“I’ll meet you here at two.” I tried to keep my tone level.

“Fuck this stupid drop-off location. Just come to the fucking house. You used to live there,” Rich muttered.

I’d recited responses to him to keep myself from spiraling inside. “You know this is the court-ordered drop-off location. This is where we’re meeting.”

“Well, then I won’t drop him off early.” My ex’s tone was laced with a hint of “fuck you.”

Every time he played these games with me, I knew I had to keep my cool. “It’s your weekend, so it’s up to you. Please text me if you’d like to meet me here at two tomorrow.”

My level, flat tone belied the spinning anxiety, the dread, and the constant sickening anticipation rising inside me.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. I’ll drop him off at two tomorrow. Don’t be late.”

Rich spun on his heel, stalking away. I stood right where I was, waiting until he’d climbed into his car before I turned and took the three steps to mine. Only after I had closed and locked my car doors did I let out the breath I’d been holding.

Still, I waited, not even looking in the direction of Rich’s car. His tires squealed as he left the parking lot. Only after his car was out of sight did I feel the hot tears roll down my cheeks.

I only let myself cry for a minute. Maybe it didn’t make sense, but if I let the pain take over, I feared it would drown me. “We got out,” I said to myself in the car.

I glanced at the clock on my dashboard before reaching for my phone and typing out a quick text to Eric. I managed so many details of my life as a result of the years with my ex.

The part that hurt the worst, that I hated the most, was that our son carried the same habits as I did. I had told him that he didn’t have to do these things, but he said it was easier for all of us. When I was with Rich, I’d always kept my phone notifications turned off. Eric did the same. That way, if his dad demanded to check his phone, he wouldn’t have to look for too long. You’d think it wouldn’t bother Eric’s father for me to text Eric to tell him I loved him. But that’s not ever how it went with Rich.

I typed out the text and pasted it into the app Eric and I used to communicate. I read all about how parents should be careful having their kids use chat apps because they could take advantage of each other. I understood those concerns. In my case, I didn’t want the message to last long. I wanted Eric to see it and have it disappear in case his father ever paid enough attention to notice the app. I hated that this was what we did. However, my attorney said it was fine, and Eric’s therapist also said it was okay.

The days of my clamoring doubts about how it would be worse if I left my ex were long gone. I just hated that he still had a hold over our son and me, by extension.

I love you. Don’t forget to look at the stars tonight.

We always looked at the stars together even when things were at their worst.

After putting my phone back into my purse, I pointed my car toward my attorney’s office. After that came work. I had a new job, and I loved it. I was a local weather reporter. I’d changed jobs after finally getting away from Rich.

It was so much fun. When I first switched from being a teacher to a weather reporter, the elementary school where I used to work had invited me over for job day to talk about my work. My prior students had asked if they could send in messages for me. It had turned into this game where I would share requests and provide weather information. So far, we’d covered topics like different types of clouds and why volcanic ash could cause car engines to break down.

My program executive had given tentative approval at first, and it had become wildly popular with the station, getting messages from all over Alaska and lots of attention on social media. Kids and parents loved it. I had to ignore the snide comments that my ex made on occasion. He despised anything fun or positive for me.

A few minutes later, I slowed and turned into the parking lot at Blackthorn Partners. I hurried in, waving when Quinn waved at me from her office. She was one of my closest friends. She’d recently admitted she was in love with Kenan Cannon, Adam’s twin brother. I said “admitted” because they’d been best friends for years. We’d all thought they belonged together, and they finally got their heads out of their asses and realized it themselves.

With all of these connections to Adam, you”d think I somehow would’ve been closer to him. But he was the quiet one and kept to himself. As he’d astutely pointed out, my ex was also the jealous type, so I had gone out of my way to never get friendly with any men, even men who were happily married to my friends. It was ridiculous.

I knocked lightly on Colin Blackthorn’s open office door. He looked up from his desk and smiled, waving me in. “Come on in, Tessa.”

He nudged his chin toward the door when I stepped in without closing it. “Close the door.”

My stomach tightened as soon as he said that, and fear began to coil like a snake ready to strike inside. I swallowed. I stopped in front of his desk, resting my fingertips lightly on the edge of it.

“Have a seat.” He gestured to the chair behind me.

I clenched a hand tightly onto my purse strap as I sat down. “What is it?” I asked.

“What? No friendly conversation?” Colin’s tone was light, but his smile wasn’t reaching his eyes now.

I shook my head. “Just get to the point.”

“Rich’s attorney has filed an amendment. He’s no longer filing for full custody.”

My eyes widened, but I didn’t trust any of this. “Is that good or bad?”

Colin considered me. “Well, Rich has proposed attending co-parenting coaching classes with you.”

“No, no, no. Colin, I just dropped Eric off for his weekend visit, and Rich wants me to pick him up tomorrow at two. He doesn’t even spend whole weekends with Eric. I just want this over. He doesn’t want to do co-parenting classes. He’s just trying to find a way to make me miserable.” Tears were stinging in my eyes, but I refused to give into them.

I took a slow breath, and Colin slid his handy box of tissues from the corner of the desk closer to me. A bitter laugh slipped out, and I dabbed at my eyes. “You should’ve bought stock in tissue when you took my case.”

“I agree with everything you’re saying,” Colin said. “I just wanted you to be aware of the filing. We’re holding firm on our request for full custody, and I have a bit of good news.”

“What’s that?”

“The judge on this case is retiring. It’s been assigned at our request to a judge in Juneau. While we don’t have a choice in judges, I feel good about this one. He?—”

“I think it would be better if we got a female judge. I just feel like?—”

Colin held a hand up. “I know you feel like a female would understand better. This has been an awful experience because this judge does know Rich’s family. He should’ve recused himself from the case, but we can’t change that. He’s retiring, so it’s no longer relevant. As I explained before, we can’t choose the judge. In this case, Rich is less likely to badger a male judge, so I’m good with it. It just is what it is.”

This was a fact, so I wouldn’t argue that point. Rich had been a nightmare during one hearing covered by a female judge when the primary judge on the case was out of town.

“I’m familiar with the judge in Juneau. He’s fair, and he takes no bullshit. There’s no way he will force you to do co-parenting classes with Rich.”

“Is there any way I can just get this to end?”

Colin studied me quietly. “Unless Rich is willing to relinquish his rights, in which case you’d forgo all child support for the rest of Eric’s life.”

“I don’t want the money. Honestly, I’d rather be homeless and living on a friend’s couch if I have to. He doesn’t give me much anyway.”

I let out a sigh. This wasn’t the first time Colin had pointed this out, and I was still reluctant. Even though I knew Rich would never change, there was a thin thread of possibility that he could be a good father. Lately, though, I have felt like our son was truly nothing more than a bargaining chip to his father.

“It’s not something you can do anyway. It’s just the only way to stop all this time in court.”

“It’s been almost two years.” My voice sounded as tired as I felt.

Colin nodded. “I can also call his attorney and feel him out. Attorneys do that all the time.”

“Okay,” I whispered. I swallowed through my aching throat. “So I’ll be going to Juneau for hearings from this point forward?”

“Yes. They’ll offer the option for you to do a live video call, but —”

I cut in quickly. “Absolutely not. I’m appearing in person. I don’t want there to be any doubts from the judge that this matters to me.”

Colin’s phone rang, and his eyes flicked to the phone screen. “Unfortunately, I need to take this call,” he said softly.

“Go ahead. Thank you for keeping me updated.”

I walked out of his office quickly. I felt stripped raw. I was so cold, it felt as if I was standing out in an icy wind in the middle of the winter without anything on. I often felt cold when it came to anything to do with my ex.

I just needed a few minutes to pull myself together. While I stood there, temporarily frozen in place, the door to the reception area opened. I glanced over to see Adam walking in. I wasn’t crying, and I wasn’t shaking, but the second his eyes locked with mine, it felt as if he could see straight through all of my defenses. I had some military-grade barricades built up around me, so that was saying something.

Along with all of the hell that came with being in an emotionally abusive relationship, I learned how to hide it from everyone. I’d never wanted anyone who cared about me to know how stupid I’d been.

Quinn happened to be walking out of her office a second later. Her eyes bounced from me to Adam and back again. She knew me well enough to know the blank look on my face didn’t bode well for my state of mind. She also knew that I would be here to meet with Colin.

Her eyes arced back to Adam. Even though I hadn’t said one word to anyone about Adam, it was as if Quinn put all the pieces together quickly.

“I’m just leaving. If you need my office, it’s yours,” she said. After she started walking, she stopped in front of me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow evening, right?”

I had to scramble mentally to remember what she was talking about. “Oh right. Dinner. My place. Yes.”

“Perfect.” Her touch was comforting and grounded me a little.

She glanced toward Adam. “I forgot about our meeting. We’ll have to try another time.”

Adam held her gaze for a moment, and I realized he was probably supposed to be meeting with her because Quinn headed up the legal division at Fireweed Industries. Her cousin, Colin, handled the family law cases.

She looked back toward me. “Fireweed Industries. They always need something.”

A smile played at the corners of Adam’s mouth. “No worries. Catch up with you tomorrow at the office?”

She flashed a smile. “Always.”

He held the door for her. Quinn was gone in a blink, leaving Adam and I standing alone in the reception area of an office building where neither of us worked.

Adam didn’t hesitate, striding past me and walking into Quinn’s office as if he owned it. But then, Adam had that kind of confidence. He was understated and quiet, yet never arrogant. He simply commanded any situation when the moment called for it.

I was still frozen a few feet from Quinn’s office door. Adam waited. “You look like you could use a minute. I can leave if that would help.”

“Please don’t,” I whispered, that small request slipping out unbidden.

When my eyes locked with his, my legs were galvanized into motion. I followed him into Quinn’s office. It was familiar as I often stopped by to chat with my friend after meeting with Colin.

Only after Adam closed the door and we were in her quiet office alone did everything that I had kept swaddled tight inside begin to break loose. I trembled so hard my teeth chattered.

I felt Adam stopping in front of me, and one of his hands landed on my shoulder. “Do you want me to go?”

I shook my head, and something like a sob came out. Without a word, Adam folded me into his embrace. He was strong and warm, and I simply let him envelop me. I was so cold and tired, so very, very tired.

My sobs weren’t big and dramatic. They were slow and soft and sounded as weary as I felt.

Adam murmured soothing sounds while he held me securely against him. One palm began to move in slow passes up and down my back. His touch eased the tension spinning madly inside. Gradually, my sobs and the tears wicking up from my throat slowed. I could take a deep breath, and the shivering and trembling finally stopped.

I honestly didn’t know how long he held me in Quinn’s office. I felt a little sheepish, but my anxiety was dissipating. I scrambled inside to find my composure. I took a few deep breaths and finally lifted my head.

Adam still held me close, and I loved the feeling. He was warm, and I could’ve stayed here forever in his arms. He lifted a hand, swiping the tears off each cheek with his thumb. My heart felt cracked wide open.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked gently.

It didn’t escape me that he didn’t ask me what happened. Instead, his question put the control in my hands. I didn’t feel like I had to explain.

I contemplated it for a moment. While I didn’t want to tell him about the relentlessly badgering process of having my ex use the custody situation as yet another way to make me miserable, I did want to explain some of it.

“Rich is filing for shared custody. This should be good because, until today, he has been demanding full physical custody. But he wants shared legal custody and for me to keep physical custody. That means we have to make decisions together, and he wants us to attend co-parenting classes. Together! I don’t want to be forced into that with him. I also know he doesn’t really want custody. He just wants to make my life a living hell.”

Adam quietly absorbed what I’d shared, his expression calm. After a beat, he nodded, just barely. “Rich is a fucking asshole, but you already knew that. I know you’re a fighter, Tessa, because you left and divorced him. Just remember that. If you ever need anything from me related to this, I’ll help however I can. All you have to do is ask.”

That was all he said. Yet I was instantly calm. A part of me had surrendered already. I would have these moments when I felt like I couldn’t control my anxiety, but then I would remember that the one thing I could control was my own response. I had already done the hardest part. I’d left.

That was the wildest part, the paradox of getting caught in this dynamic. When I felt like I was falling apart and weak and at the mercy of someone else, the experience of that helped me become stronger. The strength I got from that carried me through. I just had to remember to reach for it.

I took a slow, steadying breath. “Thank you,” I said, my voice soft.

Adam nodded. After a few beats of quiet, he dipped his head, surprising me with a kiss. This comforting kiss lingered. A moment later, he eased his hold on me and stepped back. Every movement was purposeful and deliberate.

“Should I walk you to your car?”

At my nod, he turned, opening the office door and gesturing me through. I wanted him to reach for my hand, but he did one better. He placed his palm lightly on my waist, and his touch was like a hot brand.

I felt protected with every step. He walked me to my car, opened the door, and waited until I buckled up.

“Call or text anytime.”