18. Tessa

“Be right back. Bathroom break,” I said to the room at large.

I hurried from the kitchen into the bathroom. As soon as I closed the door, I leaned against it and took several deep breaths, trying to slow the beat of my rampaging pulse.

I slipped my phone from the pocket of my jeans and glanced at the screen again. Adam wanted to know how we were going to see each other again. Oh. My. God.

I had no idea. We’d had a brief conversation about it after our unexpected, shockingly intimate, and intensely pleasurable night together.

I pushed away from the door and put the phone back in my pocket, turning on the cold water at the sink. I splashed water on my face to cool the heat blazing in my cheeks.

After dabbing my face dry, I studied myself in the mirror. With my slightly wavy hair and big eyes, I looked a touch weary. I hadn’t really looked at myself in a while. Maybe it was being a mom, or perhaps it was being in an abusive relationship for too long. No matter the reason, I had simply stopped even thinking about myself as a sexual being.

Yet after one night with a man who’d been in my life for so many years, I felt bracingly alive like a blast of wind had lifted me and dropped me in a new place. Just thinking about the heat contained in Adam’s eyes after we kissed sent another wash of heat through me. My mind spun to when he fucked me against the wall in the shower after dryly pointing out that shower sex wasn’t all that great unless you stayed out of the water. I was burning up inside.

I slid my phone out of my pocket again and typed a quick reply.

Me:I don’t know.

I sat on the closed toilet even though I didn’t even have to go to the bathroom. Adam’s reply came quickly.

Adam:I can come to you any night. Just tell me what works for you. I promise I’ll be quiet.

A disbelieving laugh slipped out, and I leaned my head back as I took a slow breath.

Quiet? Ha! We’d been anything but the other night.

“What’s taking you so long?” A voice came from outside the door. “I have to pee,” Haven added.

Heat flashed into my cheeks as if my friend somehow knew I was texting my secret new friends-with-benefits guy. I stood, flushed the toilet for good measure, and washed my hands again.

Me:I’ll text you later.

Haven waited outside the bathroom, dancing on her feet. “Sorry. My bladder hasn’t recovered from having a baby.”

“No worries.”

I slipped across the hallway to check on Eric. He was situated happily in front of his TV, playing one of his video games. There were so many things to keep track of as a mom, one of them was monitoring your child’s online gaming behaviors. I was beyond grateful that Eric was comfortable with me checking on things and liked to read as much as he liked to play video games. McKenna had helped me set up a monitoring program, which Eric didn’t care about. I wasn’t worried about him. I was worried about other people.

“Hey, Mom,” he said without looking away from the screen as his thumbs moved rapidly on the controller.

“Bedtime is in half an hour.”

“I know, Mom.” He tossed me a quick smile over his shoulder.

I stepped into the room and ruffled his hair quickly before departing to return to the kitchen. When I sat down, Haven followed me into the room and glanced around. “I should get home.”

“You’re like me when Eric was younger. I found it hard to leave him for much time at all,” I offered

Haven cast me a sheepish smile. “I know. I don’t like leaving Jake for too long even though I know he’s asleep, and Rhys is there, and everything is fine. It’s just…” She shrugged.

I gave her a quick hug before she departed. McKenna got up from the table and followed her to the door. “I’m going to head home too.”

“Go to your lover boy,” Rosie teased with a dismissive wave.

McKenna’s cheeks went pink. I grinned. “We all understand. You’re in love.”

“Dinner at my place next time,” she said, lightly squeezing Rosie on the shoulder before she left.

Rosie helped me start to clean up. “I can handle it if you need to go,” I said.

She eyed the plates and glasses on the table. “I’d like to help.” We began cleaning before she glanced over. “I just have one question.”

“What’s that?”

“What were you doing at Adam Cannon’s house?”

Fireweed Harbor was a small town, complete with the usual gossip that raced through it like tiny flames. There was also the unique situation of being in Alaska and off the road system. You had to take a plane or boat just to get here. We had all the amenities, but the winters were long and dark. Residents were bound more tightly together by the shared experience of living on the edge of the wilderness, the wildness itself its own force, tightening the bonds we already shared.

I loved all those things about my hometown. Although I’d hated them while I was married because I’d been so ashamed and found myself keeping secrets from everyone in my life.

I stared at my friend, feeling my cheeks heat. As much as I loved my friends caring about me and worrying about me and wanting me to be okay, I hadn’t even been thinking. Rosie lived right near Adam, which I hadn’t thought about the other night.

I scrambled in my thoughts, trying to find something, anything to explain away my presence there.

Rosie pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. I finally sighed. “I don’t have a good reason.”

She nodded slowly, holding her hand out for me to pass over a plate I’d just finished rinsing. She put it in the dishwasher. “I feel kind of slow, but did you ever have a thing for Adam? I mean, we all know him, but…” She shrugged.

“I know! We’ve all been friends since we were kids, but Adam was?—”

When I paused, Rosie interjected, “Four years older, which is like forever in school. By the time we started high school, he had just graduated. After that, he was in Seattle. We’ve gotten to know Rhys better because he married Haven. And the other brothers have been around town more. Adam keeps to himself.”

“Honestly, I never had a thing for Adam. I thought he was handsome. The whole freaking family is good-looking.” I handed her the last plate, and she put it in the dishwasher before closing it. After I dried my hands, I passed the towel to her.

I turned around, resting my hips on the counter and crossing my arms while I tapped my foot nervously on the floor. “I don’t know what happened. At McKenna’s dinner party, I went to the bathroom. I came out, and Adam was waiting, and it was just a weird thing. I wanted to kiss him, and I’m pretty sure he was going to kiss me. And?—”

I got hot just thinking about it. Rosie fanned in front of my face for me with a laugh, and I rolled my eyes. “Then you spent the night with him,” she added.

“Nobody can know,” I said hurriedly. “If Rich finds out, he will make my life a living hell. As it is, Eric’s a chess piece for him to make moves against me.”

“How bad is it with Rich? I was hoping he’d ease up,” Rosie said softly.

“Colin suggested that he check with Rich’s attorney to see if he’ll drop the custody case if I agree to forgo child support. He’s not paying anyway.”

Her gaze sobered. “I’m sorry. I’d kick Rich’s ass for you if you’d let me.”

I shook my head quickly. “I appreciate the offer.”

“I don’t think you need to worry about Adam keeping things quiet. There’s a reason none of us know him that well. He lays low. That family is not an easy family to be a part of. So much gossip to ignore. I’m sure he’ll understand your situation.”

I wasn’t sure where she was going with this. “What are you proposing, Rosie?”

“That you have lots of hot sex with Adam,” she said, her tone completely serious.

I snorted. “You think that’s a good idea?”

“Why not?” She cocked her head to the side. “What do you want?”

“Well, lots of hot sex with Adam would be a pretty sweet deal,” I admitted.

“Then do it. I won’t say a word.”

“Yeah, but if you saw me there…” I shrugged.

“I saw you this morning in his SUV. Just come and go in the dark and make sure he understands it’s important to keep it quiet.”

“What about the rest of our friends?” I honestly didn’t care much about what my friends knew, but the more people who knew, the more likely the information would make its way to Rich.

“Oh, even if they guess or actually find out, we are all vaults.” Rosie’s words were solemn.

Tears sprang to my eyes. My friends” support when I scraped up the courage to leave Rich was invaluable. “I don’t know what I would do without any of you!” I gave her a fierce hug as emotion rushed through me.

Rosie squeezed me before she stepped back, holding my shoulders. “You’re okay. You’re okay.”

The amount of relief I’d experienced just being honest with my friends about what my relationship with Rich had really been like was hard to describe. The secrecy and the shame were another part of the pain and isolation. It made all of it feel even worse.

“I know I am.” I took a slow breath.

After years of trying to keep myself together while living under the equivalent of Rich’s boot on my throat, I still experienced waves of shame and embarrassment about what had happened. Fear and anxiety stirred up little tornadoes in my life. But when the rushes of emotion passed by, the sense of feeling stuck in a dark, lonely place had disappeared. No matter how hard it was to still deal with Rich around the custody situation, Eric and I were free.

Rosie smiled over at me. “You deserve this,” she said firmly.

“Deserve what?”

“A man who makes you blush, who makes you want more. Maybe I’m not that close to Adam, but I know he’s a good man.”